Prayer Envy
How I learned to pray the way I pray
Ever since becoming a Christian, I’ve worried about praying. Should I pray to God the Father or to Jesus or, although I’d never heard anyone do so, to the Holy Spirit, whom Jesus promised would advocate for and comfort us in his absence? Should I favor obviously holy topics—gratitude, praise, others’ salvation—over my daily worries and complaints? Most importantly, how, precisely, does one go about conversing with someone not physically present?
Expert advice on prayer abounds. At the Christian university where I teach, chapel speakers promote everything from praying directly from Scripture to “just being quiet and listening.” Orthodox speakers recommend the “Jesus Prayer”: “Lord Jesus, have mercy upon me, a sinner.” Other speakers remark that prayer is simply a conversation with God, and I think, Simply?! Just a regular old conversation with someone I can’t see, hear, or touch and whose voice is so tricky to sort from others’, especially my own hopes and fears? If only I could feel as secure about my chats with the Deity!
My measly prayers typically amount to little more than internal gasps of “Help!” in a crisis or middle-of-the-night anxieties I call “pray-worrying.” Occasionally, I add a perfunctory—and usually long overdue—remembrance of someone else’s problems. Or let out a “Wow!” in recognition of some dazzling evidence of God’s creativity. But I may go whole days without conversing with God at all.
I’m especially ungifted in the area of public prayer. I covet others’ ability not only to remember long lists of others’ needs but to reformulate them into communiqués that don’t sound, as mine do, wacky or false. Most public petitions sound as premeditated as sermons, probably because, unlike me, my fellow believers don’t have to be reminded to pray those petitions in the first place. They’ve been praying them for weeks.
Whether praying publicly or privately, I seem incapable of praying for very long. If I keep it up past a minute or two, I get distracted. In bed, I fall asleep. At church, I find myself spying at the bowed heads around me, trying to remember if I turned off my daughters’ hair straightener, making judgments on the choir’s new robes, dreaming. Although I’d like to follow the apostle Paul’s advice to pray continually, I can’t do it.
Once, on a plane trip, I sat next to an elderly woman wearing a funny little diaphanous bonnet over the back of her head. When I asked about it, she called it a “prayer hat” and said that the Bible says to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17) and for women to cover their heads while praying. So, she told me, Bible-believing women should always wear hats. She was a sweet, earnest woman, and I wondered if, somewhere beneath our conversation, she was praying for me even then. I hoped so. Later I found out she was. We’d exchanged addresses, and she sent me a few letters over the next years saying she was still praying for me. I wish I could pray as she did: for a stranger, years after a chance meeting, continually, and with childlike confidence and trust in even the oddest scraps of Scripture.
My efforts to have regular “private time with God,” as some call prayer, usually fail. Many of my Christian friends have devotions every morning, at a set time. Some go to a special place and meditate. Others follow a reading schedule—the Bible in a year’s time or a segmented book of devotions—that keeps them on track or helps them focus on some area of growth. One friend has tea with God, filling two cups to visualize God’s actual presence. My husband kneels in our walk-in closet and usually, over breakfast, reads a chapter from the Bible. I set out to follow his example, but soon I’m mechanically grading those last three papers or reading one of the magazines that accrue at my place at the table.
I suffer, in short, from prayer envy. I wish I could pray like my friends, like my husband, with their steadfastness and regularity. Or with the abandon of some of my students, who raise their hands or cup them reverently. I try to mimic their gestures, hoping to share what I imagine are the accompanying feelings of rapture, but even in private I feel embarrassed and have to quit.
I envy the prayer habits of biblical figures like Abraham, Moses, Hagar, and Cain, who wheedled and wailed just as they likely did with their spouses and children. In the Old Testament, conversing with God sounds so natural, so normal. As if the exchange featured not only words but gestures and facial expressions and the Creator of Heaven and Earth stood before them in the flesh.
I even envy the blithe prayers of my own childhood: stream-of-consciousness comments on daily life—oh!, oops!, please let me, help me, let me not get in trouble!—to an always interested God aware of everything going on in my head at every moment. I wish I could pray with such trust and candor still, instead of stressing about whether my prayers are in the right form and about the right thing and thus acceptably holy.
Often I pray about praying itself, thinking to hope into happening what an old farmer in my first Bible study class said had happened to him as he matured in faith. Over time, the man said, God had changed his “wanter.” Change my “pray-er,” I pray. Make me desire your will, instead of the handy miracles I tend to ask for. Make me pray bigger, longer, less selfishly, more trustingly, more continuously, more as you would have me pray.
I try to console myself with a friend’s advice that however one prays is okay. The variety of opinions on prayer, though makes it hard to stay convinced, and I’m guessing many of my fellow Christians secretly beat themselves up about prayer, too. We’re probably all like the disciples, for whom prayer clearly did not come naturally. They begged Jesus to teach them how to pray. They failed to cast out demons because they didn’t pray enough. In Gethsemane, when Jesus expressly asked the ones accompanying him to pray, they fell asleep.
Jesus himself often suggested that some prayers are better than others. Responding to his disciples’ plea for prayer instruction, Jesus gave them the Lord’s Prayer—and believers ever since have debated whether he intended it as a conversational model or a prayer to be memorized and recited. He faulted a Pharisee for praying too ostentatiously and commended a tax collector who, by contrast, “stood at a distance . . . would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast” and prayed, in essence, the Jesus Prayer: “'God, be merciful to me, a sinner’” (Luke 18:13).
My best prayers, I think, are borrowed. Sometimes, in remorse, I find myself unconsciously mouthing the Act of Contrition of my Catholic childhood: “Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended thee!” Or silently reciting from the Mass, “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.” With the father of a demon-possessed boy, I whisper into my skepticism, “Help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24). And I often pray the simple prayer of the little girl protagonist of Flannery O’Connor’s short story, “Temple of the Holy Ghost”: “Hep me not to be so mean.”
Once I got an email from a former creative writing student who, in the wake of several personal disasters, had stopped believing in God. In his e-mail, he reported his life was shaping up and his faith slowly returning. He’d also started writing again—“weird little devotional essays,” he said, like those he remembered me reading aloud in class.
“Does it ever seem to you that your writing is prayer?” he asked.
His question was transformational. Afterwards, I felt as though this struggling young believer gave me my prayers—not just my weird little devotional essays, like this one, but all the other prayers I’d been praying all along. Self-centered, semi-conscious pleas for help I send up to my invisible Creator and Parent and Guide whenever I’m in trouble; botched efforts to pray through lists of others’ needs; even someone else’s words I memorized as a child that rise unbidden to my tongue in a crisis are all efforts to acknowledge God’s presence. They’re all, in other words, prayer. Failed prayer, yes. God knows my prayers are vain at times, often ridiculous, always mal-focused and inadequate, at best mere mindless moans.
Indeed, as Paul points out, “we do not know how to pray as we ought” (Romans 8:26). Our most effectual prayers, he says, are little more than “groaning in labor pains” along with the rest of creation (Romans 8:22). Nevertheless, “the Spirit helps us in our weakness” and intercedes for us with its own “sighs too deep for words. And God, who searches the heart, knows what is the mind of the Spirit” (Romans 8:26-27).
So, having pray-worried the matter of prayer to death, I’ve decided to just do what I do, however inadequate, and trust the Holy Spirit to keep on groaning.
Posted at 1:47 PM on January 14, 2009.
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Thanks for helping me understand I'm not the only one with a prayer problem. Very disheartening to approach God's holy throne and have your mind wander away to vain things of this world. I pray that God will empower me to pray unceasingly, with understanding and not be selfish. When I stray from focus, God send me your spirit to direct my prayer in the right channel and with the right motive. I pray for courage, boldness and wisdom in prayer before a congregation. I rebuke spirit of fear and humiliation in my life, for as for me and my house we shall serve the Lord. Satan you have no power over me, none. So get lost Satan I'm rising up in 2009 in the wings of prayer. Thank to our Father in heaven for giving us a way out when we seem too weak to do the things of the spirit. God bless you all
Posted by: anne on January 16, 2009
I found that writing out my thoughts and prayers in a letter format or as journal helps. I need to do this because no matter what I do, iI can't seem to keep awake when praying. For a time, I thought that if I kneel with my face to the floor , I would be like the Biblical figures who prostrate themselves before God. Well, I fell asleep in this position and I tell myself that if I continue doing so, one day God is going to flick his finger and I would find myself rolling like a ball into his Holy presence. Pen and paper so it is...
Posted by: Dorothy on January 16, 2009
Oh my goodness! I seldom see an article that I so identify with! Although I know our salvation has nothing to do with reading our Bibles, praying or anything good we could possibly do, I feel so inadequate. Thank you for letting me know I'm not the only one. You articulated just about every thought I've had about prayer!
Posted by: Kim on January 16, 2009
What caught my eye was who do we pray to. God,Jesus, or Holy Spirit? It is the enemy Satan trying to confuse us I think because I have had the same thoughts pop up in my mind. They are 3 but one ,so shoudln't we pray to our Heavenly Father, and the Bible says the Holy Spirit will make intercession for us when we do not know what to pray, and in the name of Jesus, because our access is through Jesus.
The enemy is out to wage war on us and keep us confused because he knows we belong to God but wants to keep us sidetracked so we do not be the person or prayer warrior God has set us out to be.
Posted by: mary on January 17, 2009
What a wonderful, honest, transparent article. You could have been descirbing my prayer experiences. I envy those people who say they have a "vibrant realtionship" with God and who seem to know His every will for their lives. I feel so very far removed from an ethereal Father. I've been praying for just two things lately, that I can see Him at work and offering thanks for all the blessings I notice around me. I thought if I started small, maybe one day I'll have that vibrant prayer life others speak of. Or in my despair I think maybe this is all God has for me. Maybe I'm just not the pray-er that others are. I've also been somewhat dissillusioned in prayers that have been offered up for years yet never seem to be heard or answered. I just have to trust that God hears what He needs to hear and does the best for the ones I'm praying for.
Posted by: Janet on January 17, 2009
I finally have found that taking the time to seek God in the early morning hour has helped me to pray. It takes over 30 days to develop a habit of this so it is a commitment to just do it. This has worked for me (not in making perfect prayers) but in coming to God and reading his Word and thinking and asking Him questions about what I have read. I use two daily reading devotionals, and read the scripture given and the lay-person's comment and prayer. I relate where I can with that person, I read very critically and discern what I believe is helpful and true from what that person's thoughts are. I have my own thoughts and comments and sometime write notes along the side. This just balloons into what I believe God has to say to me for that moment. I also have a prayer book that I make from several sheets of compurter paper. Sometimes I put new verse that has meant a lot to me. I write names of new people I meet in my day. From any conversation with a person I can find a reason to pray...even if they haven't asked me to. I can always just ask God to bless each person. Sometimes I don't use the prayer book, but then other times I write my thoughts and new things I have learned in it. There are just so many ways. I will say...that when I ask God to guide me in my day, or teach me something...HE really does. MY job is to not miss the answer to my prayer of the day and to also just marvel and thank God for His communication personally back to me...
Having this relationship is new to me, yet I was a believer since I was 11 years old. I am now 50 years past that and have finally really begun my "active" and continuous relationship with my Savior and God. He was working in me all along and He was faithful and teaching me all along, but now I am really desiring to listen and be guided by HIM. There are so many ways that I find now to really worship God at home. It is also important to be active in fellowshipping and outreach to others. However, it is important to worship God at home (alone). I am not really alone because worship of God is taking place in Heaven and all over the Earth by those in the Church Universal. I now consider who I am as the book of Ephesians tells us. Read and realize who you really are and think of this daily. Live with the power of the Holy Spirit.
Posted by: susan on January 17, 2009
Thank you so much! It was like somebody was in my heading writing about my thoughts on prayer because it is exactly the same struggles/worries I've had about prayer. I hear other people pray and then think my prayers sound so inadequate. It always helps to remember that I am not alone with my struggles.
Posted by: Jill on January 17, 2009
I read in a book (Every Woman's Battle) that the author has a formula for prayer. It's an acronym "ACTSO" . She says she acts so that others can benefit, or something to that effect. Anyway, it stands for Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication and Others. I've started using it and it really has changed my life. If I follow that prayer formula, and try to say something for each area in it, my prayer time is much longer and I feel much closer to God after. But I think prayer journaling is a great idea too.
Posted by: Dena on January 18, 2009
I'm thanks to God, to day I can went to chuch to price and worship Him....
and I'm thanks to God i Found you blog...
Posted by: indra on January 18, 2009
yes, prayer is a concern to us all and should be to some extent. i have heard it said that great worriers make great pray ers, we just need to turn to our Lord in and thru our worries, including our worries about prayer. prayer is more about our focus, and heart than anything else, those are my 2 areas that i pray about when i pray about my prayer.
i also pray often, for the Lord's help in praying as i think, and before i decide, speak or do. it just takes a second to direct my focus away from whatever is in front of me, and toward my Lord. and i love writing my prayers as well. and my prayer life has looked very different in different seasons of my life. the key is am i focused on Him? is my heart one with His? prayer often leads to confession, and cries for His help.
the end of ps. 19 is my life prayer: "Lord, let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to You, because You Lord are my Rock and my Redeemer!"
we can all use improvement in our prayer life, as in our relationship with Him, really prayer and our relationship are pretty synonomous, don't you think? and this article is a good stepping stone for that. thank you.
Posted by: bonnie on January 18, 2009
totally relate, especially about the husband & friends with daily devotionals. I have struggled with this also since being saved 30 yrs, now! Always remember God see our hearts & he knows yor frame.. I even tell myself watching Joyce Meyers will count or reading this..Thanks for sharing,
Posted by: lauri on January 19, 2009
I recall hearing about a theologian who, after a lecture, was asked about how one should pray.
She said, "Well, why don't you ask God?"
Now, I know people who pray contemplatively, people who use set liturgical prayers, people who use devotionals, people who just converse with God as their days go along, people who are 'list' prayers (they keep a list of prayer requests) . . . so many different ways to connect with God.
I don't think one size fits all.
We are all God's children, and all different.
Trusting God to lead each one of us into prayer with Him seems sensible to me.
Posted by: Anna K. on January 19, 2009
I enjoyed your topic on prayer. I wanted to share some things that I have learned over the years with my fellowship with the Father, and His Son, my Savior, Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit. When I pray, I usually address both Jesus and my Heavenly Father, God and I always close my prayers "in the name of Jesus Christ" as He taught us that no man cometh to the Father but by Him (John 12:6). I have, on occassion, addressed the Holy Spirit as we are told that He is a separate entity as well and the one that Jesus, as head of the body of Christ (us) utilizes to bring revelation to our spirits within us. Prayers of worship and praise will get more results than the grocery list that we are usually pressured into feeling we need to lift up to God. A prayer of praise when we don't feel like it will yield a much greater result than complaining or whining. After all, fear is a never God's will for us so if we are afraid of anything, it behooves us to pray that we NOT fear at all ever again. See II Tim. 1:7, I John 4:18, and especially helpful is Psalm 34:4 "I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." Imagine never fearing anything again. Now that's trusting God! Prayer can do that. God bless you all in the name of our soon returning Savior, Jesus Christ!
Posted by: Linda Kate on January 20, 2009
joyce meyer just came out with her new bible and it's good for prayer, what's the point of the passage, and etc... very good bible. It might help, and also another person with a bible to help you pray is stomie ormartin very good bible Women who pray bible it's worth it. god bless, i hope i helped.
odom_monique@yahoo.com
Posted by: monique on January 21, 2009
I love that you are so honest about your struggles with prayer envy. As a young Christian and mother of two children, over 30 years ago now, I wanted to know God through an intimate prayer life. It has been a life-long journey - as I believe it shoudl be. Our desire for God motivates us to draw nearer to him. I believe that our giftedness leads us to certain types of prayers - contemplative prayer, intercessory prayer - and that throughout our lives as we seek to practice God's presence in each thought, word, and deed - we develop the mind of Christ. As he captures our heart and our thoughts are taken captive - our life becomes a prayer to him - a confession of what we believe. And then that abundant life, the eternal life that we have here and now, is lived out in joy before the presence of God. Blessings to you!
Posted by: Susan Green on January 21, 2009
Thank you for your honesty, Patty. I, too, struggle with consistency in my prayer life. I'm getting a little better, but it's more often than not that my mind wanders or I forget to pray, being distracted by some unimportant thing in this world, or I simply don't know what to say. A few weeks ago, our Pastor's wife told our Bible study group that God was pleased with how much we strive to learn about Him, but He was more desiring us to know Him and spend time with Him. She directed our group, approximately 100 people, to spend the next hour in prayer to God, individually, but collectively. She challenged us by pointing out that we (most of us) give 8 hours a day to our jobs, several hours to our children and families and merely waste more time on frivolous things, but seldom take more than 15 or 20 minutes communing with God who, through His grace, has given us ALL THINGS. It was the most amazing experience of my life and since then, I've been trying to be more intentional about setting aside time for God, alone.
Posted by: Cheryl on January 22, 2009
Prayer is my way to say thank you God for all the things that You gave to me. The scripture says that in everything and anything we have to acknowledge God.
Prayer is getting strength from Him too. So, my prayers are requests of the good things that I want to happen for me, for my loved ones and friends. Putting all my trust to God to be incontrol and to show me direction. And believing that He really marches with me in my daily walk because He promised it in Deut 31.8
Prayer is praising my God Jesus Christ for the gift of salvation and His faithfulness. Through prayers I worship God.
But prayers can be short or long. What is important is we pause and give time to our Creator.
I love to pray for other people's concerns. Oftentimes, whenever my children leave the house for work they would always say, 'ma, please pray for me" and I would do so. I got prayer requests from friends and wuold include them in my prayer time.
How good to find comfort, peace and joy in praying.
Posted by: owell on January 24, 2009
This was such a refreshing article, thank you. There are so many ways to communicate with God, the most important thing is that we do it regularly with an attitude of humility and transparency. A friend told me about the book "Praying in Color" by Sybil MacBeth. If your thoughts tend to wander, this is an excellent technique to stay focused while giving God whatever is on your mind at the time in a creative and contemplative way.
Be blessed everyone!
Posted by: Samantha on January 24, 2009
Loved the honesty of this! Although a bit worried how you managed to write my thoughts nearly word for word! Oh well I will pray for you or will I...... :)
Posted by: Joanne on February 6, 2009
You article was a prayer in of itself. You could interpret the article as asking the Lord for help with prayer. I too found myself praying for the same thing as I read your article. Thanks.
Posted by: MH on February 10, 2009
Please pray for my family.
*My daughter Tammy, and husband Joe she is trying to concieve a child, and hasn't been able too.
*My daughter-in-law Michelle her heart to soften towards family, and be a good christian example to her daughters.
*Me, having some health issues including thyroid(obesity issues), High blood pressure, headaces. Also financial problems.
I am so grateful for prayer support.
God bless
Cheryl
Posted by: Cheryl on February 26, 2009