Really Foul Language
Why I’m waging a one-woman war on a certain set of words
I’ve never been much bothered by the use of what others usually think of as foul language. When I’m watching a movie, the seven forbidden words of the media sail right past me. Most are references to body parts and bodily functions for which we use dozens of acceptable synonyms all the time, and, in context, they’re primarily just noises people make when they’re surprised or angry or distraught.
I’m always surprised when someone in my reading group objects to the “language” of the book we’re reading. Invariably, I didn’t even notice the offending words, and those who object have to point them out to me.
For years, though, I’ve been waging a one-woman war on another kind of foul language. It started when my daughters were toddlers.
“Lulu isn’t stupid,” I’d tell Charlotte. “She’s just younger than you and hasn’t learned as much. And anyway, even if she were stupid, it would be mean to call her that.”
“Well, she’s a dummy then.”
“That means the same thing,” I’d say as I detached Lulu’s baby claws from her sister’s arms. “You wouldn’t want someone to call you that, would you?”
“But I’m not stupid,” she’d blithely retort. “Nobody’d ever call me that.” Charlotte’s always been a good arguer.
When the girls got to be school age, they added words like dope and retard to their vocabulary, and soon I was giving my foul language speeches not only to them but to the kids they brought home from school and the kids on their soccer teams and the kids at children’s church.
When I went back to teaching, I incorporated lessons on offensive language into my junior high and high school English curriculum.
“But we don’t mean it that way,” my students always told me in defense of words like idiot and moron and especially the ubiquitous retard. Even when I told them the history of those words, they resisted my teaching.
“It’s just what everyone says,” they insisted.
In the racist language part of my lesson, I told them that racial epithets amount to using references to people’s ethnic heritage as a way of disparaging them as somehow less than you. They were okay with this idea until I told them that my husband Kris was offended when people used words like hick and redneck in reference to country people like him.
“That’s stupid,” they universally agreed. “It doesn’t mean anything bad.”
Back then, Kris was farming fulltime. Although routinely referred to among my acquaintances and in the graduate writing program in which I met him as “one of the smartest people I’ve ever met,” Kris has always regarded farming as the most important and enriching work a person can do: stewarding the land, taking care of animals, raising food for the hungry. He opted out of a full-ride scholarship to the best graduate astrophysics program in the world to raise cattle, and the great disappointment of his life was when cattle prices dropped so low that only massive agro-businesses, which were more about making money than actually farming, could turn a profit.
“I’m a hick,” one student told me, “and I don’t mind being called that.”
“That’s because you haven’t been called that by anyone who isn’t also from the country. Wait till you are. You may feel different.”
The first year composition textbook I use at the Christian university where I now teach includes a wonderful essay entitled “No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch” about a woman who researches and tastes a variety of dog foods to find out if they live up to their producers’ advertising claims. Whenever I assign it, the title provides an opportunity for what I see as important spiritual formation. I decry the offending word, of course. My students often use the word themselves, but are always mortified to see it in the title of an essay assigned for class. In their syllabus, for Pete’s sake. They’re astonished that it’s their use of the word, not the pun in the title, that I find offensive.
“If you call someone a bitch, you’re not just saying you don’t like her,” I tell them. “You’re saying she’s angry or forthright and a woman and that it’s not okay for a woman to be angry or forthright. And you’re also saying that, despite your own anger and forthrightness in calling her that, you’re better than she is.”
I list all the words they use that do the same thing—words that use some feature of another’s cultural background or identity as belittlement.
“That’s what all of what I call ‘foul language’ comes down to,” I tell them. “Not language that refers to unsavory matters like defecation and sexual intercourse, but language that, regardless of the speaker’s motives, demeans another person. Language that says, I’m better—smarter, nicer, more refined, more Christian—than you are. Language that seeks to disempower someone.”
I take them to Jesus’ startlingly harsh teaching on the subject: “. . . anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell” (Matthew 5:22).
Jesus is talking about anger in general here—how it’s tantamount to murder—and I always expect some biblical studies student to say so and argue that, if they aren’t using words like bitch and retard and hick in anger, then Jesus’ teaching doesn’t apply. That’s never happened, but I have my answer ready: The language we use is the expression of who we are, whether we mean it to be or not.
“Consider the word retard,” I tell my students. “You would never think of using that word in the presence of, say, your friend’s developmentally delayed sister, right? Or, if you did let the word slip by accident, you’d be embarrassed. Why is that? Isn’t it because using the word—even in jest—impugns those among us who, through no error of their own, are what used to be called ‘retarded’? Secretly, intuitively, you know the word belittles them, so you avoid it. That knowledge informs the word even when your friend’s sister isn’t around.”
Last night I pontificated on this subject in replying to an e-mail from a sunny, sweet-spirited student who had used the word retard in reference to herself. “Pass on this information, gently, to your friends and acquaintances and especially to your future students,” I concluded. “You'll have to do it more than once, though. I still haven’t eradicated the word and its ilk from my daughters’ and their friends’ and my students’ vocabularies.”
I was thinking about my e-mail this morning during my daily run on a skinny back road near my house. Up ahead of me, as I mused, a man in what my husband’s mom calls a rattlety-bang pickup prepared to enter the road from a driveway. He pulled partway out and then, although I was still a ways off, just sat there.
“What? You’re waiting till I get in front of you, you retard, and then you’re going to pull out and run me over?” I groused in my head as I slowed to a stop. Just then, a car whooshed past me from behind. Had the pickup pulled out when I wanted it to, our three paths would have coincided, and I might have been killed.
So eager, I am, to judge and preach. So quick to attack. It’ll take a daily—hourly, minutely—dose of grace to get me through this life alive.
Posted at 10:48 AM on November 12, 2008.
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Thank you! It's always good to hear what Jesus said in another light.
Posted by: Jennie on November 12, 2008
What matters is the thought or feeling that triggers the language, not the language. If I feel someone is an idiot, whether I call them an idiot or not I have injured them by perceiving them in that way.
However, I feel a lot of people are idiots. After considering their actions and the way they treat the people around them, I feel qualified to think that I am better than they are. Sure, it's hubris; but at least I'm honest with myself about that fact.
I'd agree that stopping the language is positive overall, but it's focusing on the symptom rather than the disease. When we are able to truly humble ourselves and believe that we are no better than those upon whom we pass judgement, we will naturally cease to use this type of language. We'll no longer have any reason to express such negative feelings, since the feelings themselves have changed.
Posted by: West on November 13, 2008
Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm reminded of a friend of mine who frequently
uses the phrase "Thought, Word,Deed" If you say those words in your head or in your heart,
it's still wrong. I am, disabled. I have been called gimp, crip, etc. but, ONLY by my two brothers. if they heard anyone else calling me
that, that person would lose a few teeth. However, they would never, ever call me retard. They have also taught their kids never to use those names to describe anyone disabled, because they would be insulting their auntie in the process. My brothers only say these things in jest as brothers will. But, I can tell by the looks I sometimes get (very rarely) that some people are thinking it without saying it.
It is such a good reminder to watch our words and our thoughts.
Posted by: scarlett604@yahoo.com on November 14, 2008
I think that I have been taught to avoid bad words. It has become ingrained in me to cringe at the use of any "fowl" language. So why has this language considered forbidden while language that actually cuts people is glossed over?
I am quick to judge other people, but I should look at myself first. Sometimes it's more of the tone that I use than the language itself.
Thanks for these thoughts. I appreciate how much your articles always make me think.
Posted by: Steph on November 14, 2008
Very true.
patty
Posted by: patty kirk on November 14, 2008
Thank you Patty for addressing this subject so honestly. I have a son who has Autism. It pains him deeply to hear others use the word "retard." It saddens me that even adults lace such a word into their ordinary conversations. I applaud your efforts as a teacher to help students understand the implications of offensive language. I think that schools have allowed poor language to become normalized instead of teaching children that it is unacceptable and hurtful. ~My son has made it his mission to lovingly teach others who use the word "retard" that though they may not mean to offend, there are better words to use. ~Our culture is permeated with filth but each one of us has the ability to gracefully correct children and let them know that poor language very well will become an expression of who they are.
Posted by: Dayle on November 15, 2008
Thank you for your thought provoking article. scripture says - out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. In other words what we think (about others) eventually makes its way out of our mouths. How I long to have my mind and mouth transformed into the likeness of Christ. He has such compassion, and weeps over the city who are perishing. Foul language of both types is to me like filth smeared over a person's face.
Posted by: Jessy on November 15, 2008
I would love to use this essay in my Creative Writing classes. Certainly I would tell my students where I got it, in fact I could just list the URL if it would still be available in the spring...I have long felt this way about these words, but you have articulated it in such a clear way that I could certainly not improve on it.
And, unfortunately, this is not an issue exclusive to young people.
Posted by: Carol on November 17, 2008
I am so with you in that battle and I am losing as well. My eldest son constantly puts himself and everyone else down. At least I now know I'm not the only one who believes that these words are much worse than curse words. I've been ridiculed by close friends for refusing to use negative defining words and I've been guilty of putting myself down from time to time but constantly trying to improve.
Posted by: Becky on November 17, 2008
It's nice to see a Christian really think and make a real difference rather than just being a high-minded moralist.
thank you.
Your article is about the words that actually do matter.
Posted by: nathan on November 18, 2008
Carol.
As far as I'm concerned, feel free to use the post in your class and/or link it to your syllabus. (I hope I'm not violating TCW's copyright policies in saying this, but, as I understand the law, if you use something for purely educational purposes--no profit--and cite the source, it's fine.) And best wishes to you in the classroom!
patty
Posted by: patty kirk on November 18, 2008
I agree with you 100%.
I have this philosophy about profanity. Words, in and of themselves, cannot be “bad.” The way a word is used gives it meaning that may or may not be harmful. Saying “shit” when I stub my toe is not harmful to anyone. On the other hand, calling someone a “shit” is harmful. In this paradigm, the word “cupcake” could be considered profanity if it is used in way that harms or insults another person. This is the standard I generally use by which to judge “bad words.”
Posted by: Callie on November 18, 2008
Sure I agree with you in that name calling etc is very degrading and damaging in our society. But you confuse me when you say that this bothers you far more than the usual foul language people use. I would have thought, as a Christian, your concern should be equal about both categories. Just as much as name calling does, cursing for exclamation or using offensive language to describe body parts/functions is offensive and says a lot about a person's character. Words like that are not 'primarily just noises people make when they’re surprised or angry or distraught.' You make it sound like people's use of foul language is involuntary. A person chooses to use offensive language under those circumstances just as much as they choose to call a person a retard. I don't mean to be someone who takes issue - I do get your point - but there are too many people in our culture who take a lax attitude towards the 'usual' offensive language. It is all a perversion of the English language when it gets down to it and has the power to do a lot of damage.
Posted by: Jennifer on November 18, 2008
Once I got passed your opening paragraph I thought you offered some good insight on words that we have so losely used as Christians.
Please go back and reread your opening paragraph and explain to your readers how you can ever become as a follower of Jesus Christ indifferent to the vile language you so quickly "flip off" in the movies and books you read. Have you been able to do the same with blasphemy? You know the taking of our Lord's name in vain.
Posted by: doug on November 18, 2008
This was a good reminder to me about keeping a check on the words that are coming out of my mouth. I remember back to when I was a kid, and my grandpa had a post-it note stuck on the side of the fridge of his house that said, "Profanity makes ignorance audible".
That was meant to apply to the "seven words you can't say on television". However, I think it can also apply to insults, since they are a really troubling form of profanity. To use an insult against someone summarily dismisses them as a person, which, in my mind, is worse than using an expletive when hitting your thumb with a hammer.
Posted by: Alison on November 19, 2008
Doug,
Casting the first stone, eh? She is simply being honest and forthcoming about the reality of her life. Doesn't make her a blasphemer nor does it give any indication she isn't bothered by hearing the Lord's name in vain. Her opening paragraph simply underscores the point of the article - we must think about ALL words that we use..not just those society has already deemed as profane. Let's not go down a road of abstract logic to only to arrive at an unfounded point just to stand on our own moral high horse.
Posted by: Sam on November 20, 2008
I think your point is good, that words used to hurt others are the worst kind of words we can use. I do think though that all words have meaning that is attached to them through our culture and through our life experiences. The definition of profanity includes not only irreverence, but also refers to things that are vulgar or coarse. The words that some of us flinch at in movies cause a gut reaction, an instinctive feeling of revulsion toward that coarseness or vulgarity. Those words have a certain power and effect that I think as Christians we need to think twice about before utilizing or condoning. I think God calls us to reject things of that nature. I think coarseness and vulgarity negatively affects our spirit and our message. We would like for words to just be words, but saying "oh snap" just does not have the same effect or evoke the same feelings as many of the more crude alternatives. Will this stay the same as our culture changes? Certainly our language changes over time, and we probably use words today in polite societythat a century ago might have been considered quite inappropriate. There are countries where the "f" word is as common as can be. Has it lost its power and effect in those places? I'm not sure. I'm not sure they would use it so much if that were completely the case. I think it's rather that these days, crudeness reigns in rebellion to what is godly, and I just can't see that as a neutral thing.
Posted by: Becky on November 25, 2008
I can't see a differnce in the two sets of words, they are all offending. I wince when I hear any of those words, because I believe they show what is in our heart. Do they portray kindness, goodness, love , etc. ?
Posted by: Annabelle on November 27, 2008
Our flip use of words reveals how little we understand of their impact upon others, and ourselves as well. Jewish thought understands this, as we see that Jacob's blessing could not be rescinded, though it was "just words." By the Word of God, all creation came to be. Blessing and cursing involve words. What we say, we also hear, and it impacts our own mind and character every time we speak.
Posted by: Kathy on December 8, 2008
Patty, as one who values language and the living aspects of it, I appreciate your care and concern in this matter.
Thanks for consistently challenging us...
Some names university students use 'endearingly' with each other are a concern for me as well. 'What's up, my ho' is something I heard a really great Christian guy say to my wonderful Christian daughter. You can be sure that I responded, lovingly, of course and assured him that that language was not acceptable in any time or place in my family no matter how lovingly he meant the address to my daughter.
Thanks again Patty~ from a fellow language lover. Keep the conversations growing!
Posted by: mindi on December 8, 2008
Thank you so very very much. Growing up and even when I am with my family, I heard words a lot worse. When I became a Christian, I was taught not to say such words. Thankfully, thanks to a stroke that caused me to be unable to speak clearly for a while and taught me instead to think before I speak so whatever I had to say would be clear, I am even more careful. But, words still slip out like when I burned my hand on hot tea. The words you commented on are fairly easy for me not to say because being disabled, I can see the other side, but like I said, the bad words slip sometimes. Overall, thank you. I'm glad someone is self concious and doing something about it.
Posted by: Jen on December 8, 2008