"Our lives aren’t meant to be lived in little boxes. They’re meant to be integrated and interwoven with the lives of other people."

So true. Thank you for encouraging us to live out of the box!

i like your article but as married poeple i think one one should be very cautios in making friends,people can rarely be trusted

My problem isn't lack of time as much as lack of friends in the same state. 95% of the women in my church are 15-20 years older than I and non-working. Their free time and mine don't match. My co-workers, on the other hand, are 15-25 years younger and none live near me. Other school parents I only see in passing. We've lived here 10 years and still my best friend lives 1200 miles away! I'd love to have a friend or two *here* that I needed to find time to see.

What a great article. My newest BFF and I have decided that we are such good friends because we are trying to be professionals at friendship...in other words, treating our friendship with as much respect as we treat our work. This article really reinforces that idea.

All of this is so true--but some of us find ourselves removed from our communities of 35 years and trying to re-establish new ones is difficult. Friendships and community with other women is what I miss most, I think, in retiring from the active pastorate.

i am afraid that this cannot be said of the church i belong to. Sadly, yet true. what wee see of those on sunday is certainly not what we see of them on monday or tuesday or wed. But then i am grateful to God for the few very very few of the friends that i have in church with whom this is not true. I dont even need the firngers of one hand to count them. But we are there fopr each other and of course i am also grateful for the friends who have moved out of town and had to join another church but we are connected whererever. I know the wealth of friends and also know that they are GOds Gift to me.

I develop friednships through my church, work, and even family places. I make sure that these friends are up to my needs and standards. When they are, these are the kind of firneds I wish to keep and to hold. There is no other way that can beat this process! It's all pure, bright, and good!

Friends are a vital part of womens lives, but when friendships go bad they can leave painful memories and scars. I was betrayed by a close friend many years ago and now live my life avoiding close ties with other women because of the fear of the same thing happening again. Its a lonely existence - I have no friends now and feel cut off from others. I know this is partly my fault. I am no longer the help, support, entertainer and companion I once was. I know this is not Gods will and purpose for my life and so want to live the way He intended but dont know how to get that back.
This article was an eye opener for me and is helping me to self reflect.

Carla, you always make me think and I appreciate that. I do think "reframing" makes sense. Some of my dearest friendships have come from work, where we have a Christian boss and mission statement, and we spend a lot of time. My church is not as relational as yours, but maybe it will get there, with some prodding...

I think its important to look for friendship in places you might not expect it...

- an elderly neighbor may be more than just an opportunity to serve

- Nonchristians may be more than just witnessng projects

- Being close friends with a man (with proper boundries, of course) can be a wonderful experience.

I definitely agree with Lauren in that once a friend betrays you, it is hard to trust again. I had a really good friend who treated me that way and it has been really hard to trust others since then and make a real connection. I feel that it is often times difficult to really get to know people sometimes because interactions with them can seem rather superficial and shallow. Even in the church, particularly the one I attend, it seems sometimes like the people put on a good show, and don't really reveal who they really are, which makes it hard to get to know them. It also doesn't help that most of the people at the church I attend are older than me, which makes it even more difficult to find those with which I have a lot in common. I have just started a new job, and many of the people seem rather stuck in their own cliques, although they are relatively friendly, but don't seem to be very interested in becoming friends with me for some reason; I guess because I'm the new girl. I am praying to the Lord to open new doors in my life and provide opportunities in which I can not only serve him, but also have real fellowship with others too.

I have maybe three friends. All were female. The real issue is two fold. I would like more friends female and male. I have not had a male friend in 20 years. For those around me it seems to be the same. We are all single christian women in our 30s and 40s. Never been married, and one of them has a child. Our church is full of married older couples.

I don't date because no one ask. The one guy that seemed interested ran because I am a 40 yr virgin. I'm not sure how to make friends with men. My associates have male friends that they dated first. They have had sex. For those in the world it seems easier now that we are adults. I know it's important to have a male perspective once in a while, but I only have females. What to do? Yes I have prayed for more friends.

at present I am 'friendless in CT'. I am friendly outgoing, social not shy person.
my best friend lives in NY. I am friendly with folks but nothing solid. I have the time and will make the time for friends, but most are not as 'single' as I am. I'm single living alone with no blood relatives in this country (UK) most are single with a family network, single parents, single room mates etc. I even have a date night for myself....thursdays. I'm optimistic that God will send real friends our way!

Thanks...I agree integrated is a new look at having the friends we need. I have so needed friends and am trying to get them in different parts of my life! We even go grocery shopping together and that is a delight! Makes a chore fun and enjoyable. Do I have a lot of friends...nope but good ones these days!

I had friends when I was younger, but no one close in years. My degree and career is in a non-traditional field, so I work with mostly men. I long to get together with other women, but when I do it feels forced and I feel as if everything I say is somehow out of place in the conversation.... so I avoid getting close to other women. I have lots of acquaintences, but no true friends. Im a single mother of four, so having a good friend to lean on when things are so tough would be great, Im just honestly weary of trying.

its great you have the same [people around you. That's a very lucky life. In some instances, we cannot really choose the people we are to be with.

This article has encouraged me and it's telling what i was thinking about lately. My family moved recently into a new non-Christian community (we live in Moldova, Eastern Europe) and my husband and me are thinking about the ways how to make our neighbors friends and bring them to Christ. I wasn’t able to develop new friends in the past years - when i married i moved from that city, then my best friend moved to US, now i have made friends with another girl, but she lives 2 hours from me. The church we minister is located in a different community 45 min. away. I really miss communication with girls but i understand perfectly that i myself need to work on relationships. So i am working now on a project (don't know exactly how it'll look like) where i intend to invite my neighbor girls in our house in order to get to know each other and develop friendships.

I co-host a women's radio program and we are talking about this very topic this month. I think it
is an important topic. Also as a personal trainer
I'm amazed the topics my clients talk to me about many have very limited friendships. There
lives become so busy they choose not to make
time for these important relationships.
Thank you,
bobbi
www.womenspersonaltrainer.com

I am 43, married and no children. I've always worked and that meant getting to know alot of non christian women, which is a great outreach but the relationships were not deep, their idea of going out was a bar. I know women at church but most have children and often that is their focus and they gossip about their husbands, we just do not have things in common. I've resolved myself to no close friends and those that are close are my nonchristian sisters who don't "get" me and how I think. God knows my needs and when to fulfill them.

I am Christian, in my 40's, married and with children.
I have trouble and many thoughts with this subject. At times I long for female friends, but when I get them, they are okay at first, but then it seems to get too close for comfort...I get uneasy with so many inquisitive questions, and don't long for that total bearing of the soul to my 'sister' friends, like I believe many others may feel. Am I wrong? Perhaps, but I feel I have a close enough relationship with my husband and other few family members, so this fulfills my need at the time. But getting so close to have girlfriend getaway weekends? I don't understand that, and never yearned for that. I like my level of privacy and feel at times that I am very different from other women in that regard. I don't know if that's good or bad, but it is where I am right now.

I have always enjoyed having friends, entertaining and hanging out with my girlfriends. About a year ago my two best friends betrayed me and it has left some significant emotional scars, as they refuse to tell me why we can no longer friends. I have moved on with my life, but find it very difficult to find new friends. Most people are comfortable in the relationships they have or do not have time to cultivate new ones. I am still left with a void in my life that I would like to fill. It is difficult to find a friend who you really connect with, but I would be happy for a few girlfriends just to hang out with. I will keep looking....

I have many friends but one that I met in 1st grade and have cherished from that day. We are both 45 years old and our friendship has never been stronger. We grewup living just down the road from one another, we introduced our parents, which became fast friends, we have seen each other through the loss of one parent each at this time, over the years we have gone seperate ways with our families, and moved to different towns, but our friendship could never be broken, we can pickup the phone after months of not talking and we pickup right where we left off. I can call her day or night and she can call me, its a friendship that I know GOD has blessed me with. As we have gotten older and our children are graduating high school and moving on, we find more time for one another, we do more things together, and we support one another. We laugh that we met in 1st grade, and we got in trouble together, and we are still getting into trouble together according to our children. Friends are the angles GOD has sent to us. I love my ANGLE!

Boy, I say amen to all of these comments. Unfortunately, I understand and agree only too well the betrayal, the cliques and the lonliness. A lifetime of it. I don't have anyone I can call a true, personal friend. Do any of you live in Southern Ca?

This is a topic close to my heart and one that I have always struggled with. It is easier for me to be friends with men. Maybe I am more open with them. I feel like I reach out to women and a lot of them are content with their families and husbands and have little room for someone else. Or they have friendships from college that sustain them. But God is good and I have a loving family and one dear friend for 20 years. Other friends drift in and out. It is enviable to watch shows like Sex and the City and see women with such a close bond, but it is not reality or close to anything I have witnessed.

Thank you!! I just moved to a new city and a new state. I didnt have a clue about how to find and make new friends. Your story helped me see that it really is worth the effort to seek out new friendships.

Thank God I have Real friends. Thank myself also, for seeking and finding them. My "Velveteen Friends" have learned a lot about friendship in our 8 years together. We honor and trust each other to confront when needed.

Thank you for this article. I recently lost connection with a close friend of mine due to reasons we were not even able to talk about. I guess the way out of loneliness is to go out there and keep finding new ones. Join a club, enroll in a class or attend church events. These are lessons from a very famous book about the positive attitude towards change that I think has helped me get over this kind of predicament.

I have serious issues with Trust and do not have any friends. it makes me sad cuz I want a few "good" friends. I recently tried last year, met a woman at a church we were visiting. My husband and I hung out at her house fellowshipping for a few months. She would call us and ask us to come over, always at their place. She never wants to do anything outside of her house, which I am the type to always do things outside of the house. I felt like she tested everything she threw my way-seeing what my response would be. I found her friendship to be onesided-everything her way, and she was bossy. I did not trust her after she told me that she called a Pastor from a church that we had attended for 12 years and recently left to "see" what type pf people we were. I was offended. I cut off our friendship soon after. I am mad. I want to find a person who isn't up to something, who has no hidden agenda, who listens to me even if they don't agree, or can take objective criticism, because thatso called friend was bullying her older daughter and would not accept someone's input of the situation, was even very rude to me but would often comment on my daughters . How can I trust especially women? I am so lonely, I cry often. Is something wrong with me? I was very active and knew alot of women at the last Church we had attended but it seemed unless you were "in the club" being related to the head Pastor you were "nothing"

We are looking for a home church again, and it is hard, and I am not tolerating social clubs in a church again so I pulled back from any type of relationships at all.

My husband and I worked so hard at doing what GOD wanted of us and we took so many classes ending up being Teachers and Marriage Leaders of marriages classes then the head Pastor changes all the requirements of what the Leaders in his church need to have, which we had-my husband already being a Minister by another Church. Hence unless you were in the "Pastor's " circle, having the Pastor teach you everything for 20 years you were not allowed to be a Leader. We were devastated after having taken classes for many years ourselves, having outstanding allegiance to GOD, never have a ill spoken word against us, we weren't even in consideration but people who barely just gave their lives to GOD and had not attended these classes were considered. We left that Church after 12 years of faithfulness. Now again, we do not trust church Leaders and again, I am alone. I truly do not have someone I can pick up the phone to call or hang out with. My heart is so broken.

PLEASE REMEMBER MY HUSBAND JIM AND I DURING YOUR PRAYERS AS I LOVE HIM SO VERY MUCH AND I WANT HIM TO COME BACK HOME. I WILL TREAT HIM BETTER THAN A KING. I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO SHOW HIM HOW VERY MUCH HE MEANS TO ME AND WHEN OTHER THINGS BOTHER ME I TAKE IT OUT ON HIM OR THE CHILDREN AND IT IS NOT FAIR TO ANYONE