I Need a Tongue-ectomy
How I’m trying to tame my talk (and why my husband’s thrilled about it)
In my (albeit feeble) defense, I’d just undergone a medical test that required sedation, which may or may not have loosened my tongue. Or maybe it was because I hadn’t eaten in 24 hours and hunger affected my brain.
Whatever the reason, I said something that embarrassed my husband.
We’d stopped at a local restaurant for a burger. I ordered the thickest, beefiest, cheesiest burger on the menu, plus fries, and my husband ordered a veggie burger and a salad.
Before the waiter left the table, I blurted, “That’s what girls order!”
I don’t remember anything else of the meal except how good that burger tasted. Nor did I remember what I’d said until later at home when my husband told me how embarrassed he’d been.
“You were still spacey from the anesthesia, so I’ll just forget about it,” he said. “But any other time I’d be really upset.”
Any other time, I’d like to think I’d never say anything that would embarrass him. But truthfully, I don’t know if I can say never.
Sure, I could rationalize my comment by saying I was just trying to be funny. Besides, what I said wasn’t all that offensive. Maybe my husband was being overly sensitive. However, that’s not the point.
The point is I embarrassed my husband.
Over the years of relating to and writing about men, I’ve learned a lot about what makes them tick. One fact that’s stuck with me is how much men fear being embarrassed or thought inadequate.
The quickest way to shut a man down is to let him think he’s not measuring up. A man constantly measures himself against the “other guy”—like the waiter taking my husband’s and my order. Brothers measure themselves against each other, sons against their fathers. They’re always asking themselves, How am I doing?
Just as a woman’s deepest need is to know she’s cherished, a man needs to know he’s OK—as a father, a provider, a husband, a lover, a man. At his core, a man yearns to be a hero to his family, strong in the eyes of other men, strong in his own eyes.
John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, wrote that women generally don’t know how critical and unloving they sound to the men in their life. For example, when we offer unsolicited advice or try to “help” men, Gray says it’s the same as saying, “I don’t trust your judgment or your capabilities; I think you’re incompetent.”
Likewise, my “ordering like a girl” comment, especially in front of another man, was emasculating to my husband. It was as if I said, “You’re not a real man because you didn’t order beef.”
When he brought up what I’d said, I felt terrible and apologized profusely. We blamed it on the sedation, but as I said, I can’t be sure I wouldn’t have said it anyway. Sometimes I don’t think before I speak.
New Testament writer James says, “By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell (James 3:6, The Message).
Yikes!
I need a tongue-ectomy. But my tongue isn’t the real problem. Jesus said what comes out of my mouth is what’s in my heart, and that horrifies me. I might be able to tame my tongue, but I’ll never be able to tame my heart.
How grateful I am that Jesus can.
And as I continue to learn of him and learn more about what makes men tick, I’m certain I’ll have plenty of opportunities to use my words to build my husband up, not tear him down.
Plus, next time I recover from sedation, I think I’ll just have a bowl of soup.
Posted at 3:42 PM on September 3, 2008.
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Comments
Thanks so much for the reminder. I'm with you; I'm appalled at what I say sometimes in the heat of the moment. It's like the movie 'Liar Liar'--it's a funny movie, but that's what happens when we give our mouths free reign to say whatever's in our (very human) hearts! Praise God that in Christ we have the opportunity to renew our minds, and to eat our fill of the fruit of the Spirit (the three I go shopping for most of the time are 'peace', 'patience' and 'self-control'!).
Posted by: Melissa on September 5, 2008
yes, when people ask me how they can pray for me, i am always asking them to pray that i will pray as i think, and before i decide, speak or do! and my life prayer is the end of ps 19: Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be pleasing to YOu, LOrd, for YOu are my Rock and my Redeemer!
Posted by: bonnie on September 6, 2008
I had an experience that wasn't an
embarassment to my husband, but it
reminds me that I hurt him horribly.
We were sitting in a small waiting room
at the hospital, waiting for my husband to
get a CT Scan. I made the mistake of
speaking to a man who had come in with
his mother. They were running behind
leaving us to wait over an hour. This
man talked to me non-stop. I tried to
cut off the conversation, but to no avail.
Needless to say I caught on to the fact
my husband was furious with me for
talking to this man. He wanted to slap
me, he said. I wanted a tongue-ectomy.
Posted by: GG on September 6, 2008
Thank you for this....I hurt my man almost on a daily basis with my tongue. I don't know why I do it. It just takes over and he says that what comes out is venom. I have asked God to help me with this but I do not seem to be making any ground. I want to stop hurting my man and start loving and encouraging and building him up with my tongue.
Posted by: Karen on September 8, 2008
I really appreciate this article. I had an experience like this just the other day--I was trying to be funny, but my husband didn't see it this way at all. He was embarrassed, and now I think I have a better understanding of why. Thank you!
Posted by: Lindsay on September 9, 2008
I agree. I suppose times forget that I am representing not only myself but my household. I need a tongue.ectomy as well. And I am so grateful to have come across this testimony and reminder. Thanks and GOD bless!!!
Posted by: Tameka on September 9, 2008
Thank you so much for the article.
Its so true how bad we use our tongue. Ive been doing this for some time that my husband sometimes avoids talking with me in fear of what I will say. Pls. pray for me that God will help me use my tongue to encourage and build him up rather than tearing him down.
Posted by: gloria rowland-douglas on September 10, 2008
I really like your article so much because it has really hit the nail right on the head. Most often when we say things that hurt the people who mean the most to us, we take it for granted and want it to seem like a joke but in reality it demeans them or makes them seem incapable. As you said, you can't even blame it on the anaesthesia because in the clearest of moods you would probably have said the same thing. I believe its time for all of us who need to have tongue-ectomy, like myself, to make a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to remind ourselves to think over the words and comments we make before blurting them out. And we can achieve that when we tell others too about our problem-tongue, not as an excuse to keep at it, but as a check for them to prompt us as soon as we slip. May the Holy Spirit continually help us to keep our words few, not be angry and listen much.
Posted by: Tricia, Accra on September 12, 2008
My inlaw does this to her husband and it is heartbreaking to watch,pray for her.
Posted by: jean on September 12, 2008
How true...I so can relate to wishing I could just duct tape my mouth sometimes. Things just spill out
Thank you for the wake up call.
Posted by: sue on September 15, 2008
we always pray for other.I think we dont need any proper way to pray. God
is always listning to us so we can desire
any thing for anyone at any time and He will bless us
Nido lion
Outsourcing Solution in Call Center
Posted by: Nido lion on September 22, 2008
Hey GG,
It's awkward being stuck talking to people who don't know when to end conversations. But you have the right to end a conversation when you want to. I'd suggest the solution is learning to enforce your boundaries, not a tongue-ectomy.
Perhaps you and your husband could work on this together eg. role play him being the talkative interlocuter and you making a firm but preferably polite exit, or discuss how to run interference for each other the next time such a situation comes up. Hope it works out!
Posted by: GY on September 22, 2008
Hi GG~ Your post bothered me when I read where u said your hubby wanted to slap you? Were u just trying to make a point or were u serious? Didn't he hear u trying to cut off the convo? He could have helped u do that if he had tried. I hope that he didn't really tell u he wanted to slap u. You were being kind. You never know- u could have made that other person's day just by talking to him like u did. I think it was sweet of u :)
Posted by: Nancy TN on September 25, 2008
I can really relate to this situation! I am always blurting out remarks that I wish I could take back as soon as I say them.
Usually it's when I am trying to be cute or funny, but the jokes just don't come out right. It is very embarassing!
And GG, I agree with Nancy, you were sweet to be so patient with that man.
He was probably nervous and was looking for a bit of reassurance. I think your husband owes you an apology.
Posted by: Kathy on October 5, 2008
Thanks for your article. i have been battling this for so long, lashing out and destroying relationships because of an uncontrolled tongue. i thank the Lord for His mercy and i know strive to build relationships with words of kindness and encouragement rather than speak words that hurt out of my own selfishness. May God bless all of us in this struggle.
Posted by: Diana on October 7, 2008
Thank you Thank you for this article. I have had several of these insert foot moments. The one I can remember recently was when my husband and me were talking about the presidential election. We were supposed to be equally sharing out thoughts about the candidates but instead before he could get a word in I interrupted and said yeah yeah, I know what you think. He was furious with me stating that I emasculated him because I did not honor him enough to respect his opinion. I felt horrible. I am relieved to know I am not the only one struggling in this area. I know I need to pray daily for a tongue ectomy.
Posted by: Carissa on October 8, 2008
THINK ABOUT THIS
WE DEFINITLY NEED TO THINK BEFORE WE SPEAK AND CERTAINLY NEED TO BE CAREFUL OF WHAT WE ASK OUR LORD AND SAVIOR FOR
HIS WORD SAYS ,AND I JUST LOOKED FOR THE SCRIPTURE
AND I TELL YOU THIS,THAT YOU MUST GIVE AN ACCOUNT ON JUDGMENT DAY OF EVERY IDLE WORD YOU SPEAK , MATTHEW CHAP 12: VS 36,37
THIS VERSE ALONE SHOULD MAKE US THINK BEFORE WE SPEAK OR ASK GOD FOR IDLEMINDED THINGS
Posted by: tracy on October 14, 2008