Worried About Worrying
Oh, the tribulations of watching my daughters grow up!
My daughter Charlotte just got her driver's license and first car. It's been a rocky time for me. Keeping track of where she is. Making sure she doesn't use her phone while she's driving. Struggling not only to accept but also to embrace her acceleration toward independence. Worrying.
Yesterday she drove 40 miles to Barnes & Noble. Her goal was to go that far alone, to cross "the big road" into their parking lot (highways terrify her), to order a grande Earl Grey tea, to read in one of their dingy armchairs, and then to come home.
All innocent desires. And at least midway through her adventure, I knew she was fine, because my husband, Kris, and I met up with her briefly at the bookstore, where we always go at the end of our weekly date. Still, I worried the whole way home. When police sent us around an accident, I was sure it was Charlotte and made Kris defy the law and bypass the detour to see.
Meanwhile, our younger daughter, Lulu, is a thousand miles away attending what she calls "nerd camp": a college course for high schoolers on politics and literature. So far, it's been mostly about existentialism. They're reading bleak novels arguing that God doesn't exist and only personal choice matters.
"They're so depressing," Lulu told me, "they make me want to go to church."
That statement was startling from a kid who's been unenthusiastic about church of late, maybe because she's 14, or maybe because our family's been visiting different churches for a while looking for one that pleases us all equally—for a church, in other words, that doesn't exist. Wherever we go, both girls act bored during the service and criticize everything afterwards. Soon, they'll be on their own and may not attend church at all, and I wrestle with the worries of all parents with children apathetic about church: Does God matter to them? Do they sense his presence in their lives? Will they abandon not just church but God himself as they escape further and further into a world beyond my influence or control?
Worrying is a sin, my Christian friends always tell me. They point to angels saying "Fear not!" all the time, and they quote Paul's famous advice from his prison cell: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6–7, TNIV). My friends think we should be like Paul: "content in any and every situation" (Philippians 4:12, TNIV).
I tell my friends that worrying is a way of praying. I even have a name for it: pray-worrying. Indeed, what is praying but giving voice to worries as a means of seeking that elusive peace Paul promises God will send?
Nevertheless, I’ve secretly added worrying itself to my list of worries. I know I worry too much. Not only about dramatic disasters, like Charlotte's being killed or maimed in a car accident, but about my daughters' coming under the tutelage of ardent atheists or questioning matters of faith or making bad choices in life.
I worry, in short, about my daughters' growing up—when growing up is exactly what teenagers should be doing. How awful it would be if they weren't growing up, I remind myself, suddenly thankful. What if they weren't making choices, good or bad, but were just waiting—like newborns, like our dogs—for me to decide everything for them? What if they weren't asking questions about faith? What if they didn't care about faith at all?
God's plan is for us to grow up. To step forth from where we start, even though doing so inevitably means making mistakes. To grow up is to question everything and pursue faith not from habit or compulsion, but from free will.
Allowing one's children to grow up and find faith on their own is, I'm thinking, the crux of Jesus' parable of the Prodigal Son. It's always perplexed me that the father—who represents God in the story—gives his son the inheritance in the first place. Any parenting book would say that indulging such greedy desires is a mistake—just as my sister told me that buying my daughter a car was a mistake, although a car is a virtual necessity of growing up and working and being involved in activities in rural areas like ours.
"You're spoiling her!" my sister complained. And I worry she's right.
Either way, the father in Jesus' story sounds like the classic enabler, helping his son into a life of misery and sin. Various pastors have explained the story's purpose is not to model parenting but to illustrate salvation. I wonder, though.
Maybe God's showing me—through this story so real-sounding it could be from my life—that letting kids grow up means allowing them independence, although it will inevitably result in their messing up. Perhaps it's OK to worry about them, just as that father in the parable surely does. When the prodigal son finally returns home, the father sees him while he's "still a long way off" (Luke 15:20, TNIV). Clearly, the father's been searching the horizon, pray-worrying that his son will turn out all right. God himself worries about his children. Just before he destroyed most of Earth's inhabitants in the Flood, he looked down on them, and "his heart was deeply troubled" (Genesis 6:6, TNIV).
I don't mean to defend worrying here, but I do think it's unavoidable, in parenting at least. Perhaps worrying even plays a role in securing the contentment in all things Paul prescribes. His injunction against worrying is, after all, part of a larger message of thanks to the Philippians for their worries on his behalf: "I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me" (Philippians 4:10, TNIV).
Worrying can lead to action as when the concerned Philippians sent Paul aid. Or worrying might lead to new insight, like my sudden thankfulness that my children are growing up. Certainly, as Paul suggests, we shouldn't wallow in anxiety but, rather, step forth from our worries into faith. We should scan the horizon daily, hourly even, and know God's will, his splendid purpose for each of us, will certainly come to pass.
Blessings,
Posted at 5:21 PM on August 12, 2008.
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Wow! I could've written this blog today. My oldest is 22 and drove 2 1/2 hours to pick up her boyfriend from the airport as he is returning from Summer break at his home in Australia. My youngest is 16 and yes, we just bought her a new car....they both are unhappy with organized religion...as our pastor of 4 years just decided to involve himself in activities that I have taught them against! Authority figures have let them down, in several arenas of their lives...leaving me and their dad (who travels over 300 days a year) voices crying out in the darkness of this world.
Thanks for sharing and being an encouragement that I am not alone!!!
Posted by: Deborah on August 15, 2008
I am so glad for you as well as I am thankful for your honesty. Just today, I took my 3 year old out to the park to play. I worried the minute I got there until the minute I left the place fearing he would hurt himself as he is small for his age. There was a child who abruptly made her way in front of my son to slide although he was there first. I did everything I could to stand there and say nothing. I know kids will be kids, but worrying is what I do now since I've become a mother. Anyway, I felt reassured when my son wasn't bothered about the little kid getting in front of him. I know I worry too much and it's reassuring to know that I am not the only parent that does this. I try as much as I can to replace my worrying with prayer.
Posted by: Jennifer on August 15, 2008
This is a very refreshing and thought-provoking article. As a single, homeschooling mom of six, business owner and college student, I have plenty to worry about. It's easy to worry about each of my children, the finances, my past, my present and my future.
I recently went to the doctor with some health concerns because I'm actually quite fit and active, but just wasn't feeling well and had several little overuse issues, and a general icky feeling (from overtraining, overworking, and not eating enough, and probably worrying a little, I suspect). The doctor immediately (and wrongly) assumed I needed some sort of mood altering drug, without taking any of my health concerns seriously (turns out I had an ear infection that she didn't look at until I asked her to!).
That really irritated me... because I love my crazy life and wouldn't trade it for anything! God has taken such good care of me and my children and for the most part, I do not worry. But when I do, I pray -- and I forgive myself and move on. God always handles whatever it is that I'm worrying about. When I worry about my schedule or work load, he suddenly provides an opening. When I worry about finances, He provides some form of relief. When I worry about my children, they surprise me with their character and decisions.
God's command to "not worry", is not just for Him -- to give us another rule. It is a word of COMFORT for us, that we NEED NOT worry, but instead, that we can trust Him to provide whatever we need, whether it is a little healthy stress, rest, food, shelter, loving care, a spouse (or not). When I worry, I do not need to hide it from God. He understands and He gives rest.
Posted by: Susan on August 16, 2008
I like your term, "pray-worrying". It is a form of praying when we voice our concerns to the Lord. And why would he tell us to cast our burdens upon him if he wasn't concerned with our worries?
Posted by: Sharon Young on August 16, 2008
Patty! Your article was right on the mark for me! (It even felt like I wrote it!) I have a beautiful 17-year old daughter and I struggle with issues of worry. I lean on God daily (okay, maybe even minute-by-minute) as I watch her spread her wings.
She will be applying for college this winter. The fear of what will fill her mind when she's away from home often creeps into my thoughts. I pray daily for God to impart HIS wisdom on our daughter that she will go where HE wants her to go.
Thank you so much for this post! It affirms me to know that there's a sister just like me out there! I'm not the only one who worries because I worry too much (and then feel guilt over the sin of worry!).
Praise God for his mercy and grace shown to a worry-filled (but trying not to be) woman like me!
Posted by: Katey on August 16, 2008
What a great and comforting blog!
I loved your prayer-worrying example; it really is something that a lot of us mothers do, as we go over scenarios in our mind of the very worst things that can happen to our children. My husband sometimes says by the definition of worrywart in the dictionary, they have a picture of me. As a mother of four daughters, ages 17 to 41, I struggle as there seems to be so many things that may hurt our girls, but I find I even try to overprotect my grandsons as well.
I loved this part: "I worry, in short, about my daughters' growing up—when growing up is exactly what teenagers should be doing. How awful it would be if they weren't growing up, I remind myself, suddenly thankful."
There are so many selfless parents who are taking care of children with disabilities that wish they had such problems as worrying about their children driving, I'm sure. It helps me to put things into a saner perspective to remind myself about the normal process of growing up and becoming independent.
And the church worries: it took me going to an Al-Anon meeting this week to remind myself that I can only control (through the Lord) my own healing, health and life, not adult children. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that "You, Lord are Lord of this day and I will rejoice in You."
I find that the best way I can overcome worry is to focus my mind on the verse from Philippians 4:8,
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever wins respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovable, whatever is of good repute--if there is any virtue or anything deemed worthy of praise--cherish the thought of these things.
I am not defending worrying either, but know, dear sister, there are an army of prayer-worriers or rather warriors that deal with the same emotions and thoughts each day.
Posted by: Donna Collins Tinsley on August 17, 2008
thank you
and Amen
Posted by: Allie on August 18, 2008
Oh my! Just what I needed to hear. Nice to know I am not alone in this world with many of the same fears. I have a 17 year old senior with a new car and decisions to make about college. Next year I'll be sending them off without a curfew, without asking where are you going and with who. I will not know if they go to church or small group anymore. I will not be involved in making sure they eat healthy or get enough rest...and yet you remind me it's all part of their growing up. My 14 year old HS freshman is still a under my control, yet I know how quickly these 4 years fly by and also know how in 4 years, things in this world will probably be morally worse. I behaved like a mother bear when her cub did not make the cut for fall sports -- another reminder that elementary & middle school days of being fair and playing nice in the sandbox are over. I guess all I can do is pray -- the worries are way to big for me to handle! Thanks for your thoughts.
Posted by: Pam on August 19, 2008
Well said. My Compliments!!!
Posted by: Mom on August 20, 2008
I could have written this myself. I have a two sons whom I constantly worry about. My 18 year just got his license and i worry about him everytime he leaves the house. I know that you have to let young men grow up and become men but it is hard when it seems that they no longer need your help. You do not have to hold their hands anymore. When my youngest went to registar for his classes at college the other day I went with him. the first instinct was to fill it out for him. The college professor and his advisor was there to remind me that it was time for him to start becoming more independent. Let him do it, but comforted me by saying that I still could be there for guidance. That was when I realize that it was time for me to cut the wings and let him soar to new heights. I will never stop worrying about my sons no matter hold old they get. I will continue to pray even more.
Posted by: Mom of 2 on August 21, 2008
This article/blog is right on time. My youngest daughter is 20, a senior in college, and just recently brought her first car. I too worried about her going back and forth from her part-time job to school late at night. I made her promise to text me when she got to her college apt every time she had to work. She would also text me when she was leaving school to come home or go to work. Her faith in God is growing everyday. I'm a firm believer in Proverbs 22:6, and I try to live a life that she emulates daily. I pray for God to cover her with angels daily. I find myself repeating Philip 4:6-7 and Matthew 6:25-34. Talk about a worry-wart. I must also remember that God has a plan for my child, and so I give Him full control. There were times when I wasn't walking with the Lord as I should, but He was still with me, and I always felt a tug from the Holy Spirit whenever I tried to act "worldly". We do have to back up like the prodigal father and let our children "mess up", but just like the loving father, we must keep watching the horizon for our children to return. Thank you again for this blog.
Posted by: Donna on August 22, 2008
it is so nice to read of real people in the midst of whirl pool of life . it is so nice to know that not only i but many do worry and i am not alone and praying and sharing it out to god is what people like me do . i feel nice . thanks patty . i am sure you too are blessed . please do write it down in a book and let the world without internet know they do not have to worry and feel so bad because there are people who are their brothers and sisters
Posted by: jeetesh on September 2, 2008