Thank you so much for that.. I recently ask God to forgive one more time for leaving him,I am trying to be a Loving, faithful wife and I like you have always cared more about what others saw in me than God. I knew I had to talk the right way and dress the right way, what others thought has always been my downfall. I also left my only Father for sin. I have done things that years ago would have been thought as SIN and God Don't forgive that. I have had problems with sex, that to me was only nasty and awful even as a child with abuse, sex was still the most sick thing alive, I could never understand how that could happen to a little scared girl who thought Daddy loved more than anyone else. Yes My true father is the most powerful, Loving, gracious,merciful,and never hurt me like I have hurt him. I can't get over the guilt that I feel over just being the worst sinner of all times. No I have not killed another, or done drugs,or stole anything I feel my sin is worse than that. I only had sex 3 times with different men everyday. Now what am I, how do I win my other christain friends that I prayed with everyday Love me and care for me like I miss so much, I confess my sins to my friends i believe i should, now I need them like I need My heavenly father. I need prayer to stay close to my God. I need my prayer partners. I need to stay faithful to my Father.Please find the time to pray for me. I'm truly begging.

I LOVE this blog entry! I am the first person of my generaton to graduate high school in my family. I am the first person in the history of my family to ever go to college. Sadly, because I was treading in unchartered waters my family was more afraid for me than encouraging. Because so many of the decision and things I was embakring on had never been done before, I was setting the precedent and that was scary to me. But to have equally timid family assuring me that I did not have to go to college and that it would be better for me to meet a "nice boy" and get married and let him take car of me was demoralizing. They didn't have bad intentions, they just didn't know any better. So my whole life I have felt like I shouldn't be able to be doing the things I am doing (I was also the first female ever in my family to join the military). I see now that I am constantly selling myself short and I never realized until reading this blog that I have a little voice in my head that whispers, "There is no way you should be able to do this. You are a minority. You are a female. You came from a poor background. People like you don't accomplish this much." It's sad. Now that I am starting a graduate program it amazes me that the words "graduate program" and "I'm starting" are in the same sentence! People like me don't make it to graduate school! (Another first in my family.) Sadly, I feel that I am stuck in a rut of thinking, "I can't actually being doing this! Who do I think I am?"

Dear friend Carla,

Sometimes I am made aware of how much I think of me & my actions being thought of by others ... then I remember that as my relationship with God & His approval are the main aim of the game, I should live His way of love & owe no-one anything but love... but to grow in favour "with God & man."
Little children, save yourselves from love of idols [being thought well of ] which cannot save.. live before an audience of primarily the One who is Saviour & Judge !

Run the race which is set before you & which gives an eternal crown, not laurels that wither... the empty praise of men !

Your story really sounds familiar. As a child I used to daydream about how amazed everyone would be when I sailed over the hurdles, whacked the puck past the goalie or coasted in first from a cross country run. Aaah, the accolades I dreamed would be mine. And weren't. So, in not doing anything like that, I've felt "less than". (No one in high school lettered in French, History or Biology; imagine a pep rally before the AP Exams, lol.)
None of us are "less than" to God. In the past twelve years of following Christ, I've never really thought of that.
Thank you.

Thanks for this blog entry. It really ministered to me.

Thank you for these honest words from your life, they hit home today! Perhaps marriage makes you look inward in a new way, or perhaps I care more about what people thing about me being in a new city (where my in-laws are) these past few months, but I have felt so self-aware and insecure! For instance, as your story so honestly describes, I too have secretly wanted to be an Olympian, the champion of the team, the person no one wants to play without! Most of my sisters and mother in law play tennis so I've joined, thinking I would trully be the athlete I thought I was in high school, and after terribly losing (think balls OVER the sides of the court) my first tournament today I found myself crying in my car on the way home. Yes one might think this is completely pitiful! I have a wonderful loving husband, great friends, and a terrific job, why would I care about some silly tennis match with a completely stranger? I think b/c down deep I thought it would be important for my new family (and even my husband, sigh), to value my skills. Clearly the message God has for me is to find myself anew in Him and no-one else. Even reading this now I don't want to accept it! I think this is a battle women and men both have, and your story reminded me to take this to the Lord this evening and not dwell on my negative thoughts...and not take myself so seriously! Thank you!

I feel fat, and I am fat....
I feel old, and I am old.....
But God does not look on the outer man or woman and he does not care one fig how my outer clay pot looks. (See II Cor. 4:7) "We hold this treasure in earthen vessels" We are common clay pots, our purpose in life is to pour out Gods grace and light and love to others, not to just adorn the outside and ignore the inside.
We spend too much time worried about out worn out useless clay pot and no time replenishing and caring for the treasure inside.

Haven't we all let the world dictate our sense of self at one time or another? The trick is, as you learned, to stop listening to the world and listen to The Truth!

hi
Just wanted to say thanks for this confirmation of who I am. I know who I am but have difficulty remembering, especially in the difficult times. Now I wear the words of who I am round my neck in solid gold - I am a child of God. When I catch sight of myself in a mirror - I see the words. When people ask what the pendant says, although they can read it for themselves - I hear myself say 'I am a child of God'
and you & I both are perfect in His Sight. Amen

o it only goes to show that the world can makes us feel insecure in the things that matter and secure in worthless things better put letting the world decide what are priorities are. SUPERficial and in the long run really worthless are considered important (hence a constant race to remain beautiful and young) While important things like where is my soul going when I die and how am I makin this world great for someone else,friendships Eccl 51-12,our health come way down on the list if at all for some. Let our Bible(the word of GOD) set our priorities for us and not the world after all with the creation(us) came the manual (the Bible)for daily living!

Carla - Your blog touched a nerve deep inside me that I was wishing had gone away long ago. I have always been very insecure, always needing others approval for everything I do, sometimes it seems to be worse as an adult. During my first marriage I met a woman that changed my life - we were soulmates. She built up my confidence, I was able to actually think that I might mean something to someone. That I could contribute to a family and not be judged harshly for my actions. We fell in love. Unfortunately, that friendship ruined my marriage, and, in the end, my reputation. The loss (of my best friend, of her children, my life and reputation) felt like a death. I grieved like my spouse had died. During this time, all of my insecurities came rushing back into my life, and I realize now that I had been putting my hope and trust in the wrong person. I need to be trusting and hoping in my Lord, for with God all things are possible! I thought that where there were two, there would never be one, but now I am doing something tht I never thought I could do on my own, and it's all because I finally trusted in the Lord, and He has given me the forgiveness and grace to be a child of God, and I am truly thankful to my Lord and Saviour!! Praise God! I am now married to a wonderful man, and we are both walking with the Lord. I know that I have quite an uphill battle still, but with the Lord at my side, who could be against me? I'm sorry this went on so long!! Thank you, Carla! Your blog was truly an eye- (and heart!) opener for me! peace, my friend...

I too have been caught in the trap of allowing others to dictate how I felt about myself. My irony is that I was raised in a Christian home with Christian parents who I belived had my best interest at heart. I grew up with a keen sense of rejection that I was never "good enough" or would never "measure up" to the high standards of my parents or those of my God. I am thankful that God did send me a wonderful mate that has shown me how valued I am in his eyes. It has been a life lesson for me to begin to see myself as my loving Heavenly Father does and not as those who just see with human eyes.

Dear Carla,
Thank you for your honesty. The Lord used this article to speak to my heart because I am struggling with this very issue. I came to realize this morning just how much I am still influenced by what others think of me.
I can relate to everything you said. While reading your article, the Lord reminded me of who I am "A child of God" and that I never have to be afraid, I simply need to trust him.
I am normally so worried about embarrassing myself that I tend to be quiet and afraid to share my opinions. Attendign graduate school right now makes that a big challenge because I am so fearful of having to get up and present on a topic.
I now realize that I still struggle with the impact of growing up as a child with a huge birthmark on her face and being made fun of by everyone, even my family. I've often felt like I do not measure up and I am sonehow less of a person because I am different (i.e I have a huge birth mark). Even though I wear make up that hides my birthmark now, I still am afraid of what others think and am realizing that I focus too much on what they might think.

I am remided by your article that God has not allowed this in my life, I have allowed myself to be defined by others opinion. The birthmark nothwitstanding, I am allowing others to define me because I have lost focus of who I belong to (Jesus)and I regained that foucs today thanks to you carla.
I have a wonderful husband who loves me no matter what, yet I struggle in Grad school with being confident enough to be content with who I am. Jesus remined me today that my Confidence is and should always be in Him alone. That I should stop being afraid and defined by others. I am to trust him and focus on him alone. It is my goal to make that a daily mantra.

I am a child of God, my confidence is in God alone and I am defined by my creator, not by society or my birthmark! Thank you for allowing God to use you to speak to many of us who have or are experiencing this struggle! God bless you dearest sister in Christ

Thanks!

Dearest inspired Carla! Oh how hard it is to remember that the child in us is still really in us, even after 50 + years for some of us! That can be summed up as one famous author did back several decades ago in a work entitled "The Search for Significance (sp??). That need we have to be somebody and to be noticed is our cry to be excellant, not just ordinary. But, after just reading a wonderfully imaginative series based on the search for the famed Holy Grail, I must say how this dovetails! So many were tricked because they thought the Grail was a cup (or bowl) fit for a king, perhaps encrusted with jewels and covered in gold. In truth, if it existed itwas a plain earthen vessel, made common for use by a simple man, of simple earthen materials--clay or even the wood used by a carpenter! Oh how we must remember that we too are clay, to be used by the carpenter in the ordinary circumstances of life--and in that we can truly excel, soaring high in our everyday use!!!!!!!!

Great article. I'm laughing a bit because I was in the midst of reposting something I wrote last year called "Divinely Defined." It's more of a declaration I guess. In the midst of googling, yours came up as well & I thought I would check it out. I appreciate your words, revelations and honesty. God bless you Sis.

Wendy M. Reynolds
wendym.wordpress.com