Stepping into a New Stage
How I found myself again
I’m in love with my new shoes. They arrived by mail last week, and I couldn’t wait to try them on. For they’re not just any shoes, but black T-strap character shoes for a play I’m doing. I’m tempted to sleep in them.
“Character shoes,” for anyone unfamiliar with theater, are sturdy leather pumps with two-inch heels and soft soles for dancing. These shoes are the standard issue footwear of actresses and dancers everywhere, and work for nearly every time period setting, every costume design, every character—hence the name. And I hadn’t owned a pair for almost 20 years.
Today these shoes represent a new life stage, the rebirth of a long-dormant part of me. They are, quite literally, helping me step into myself again. I’ve loved theater ever since I played the role of Mrs. Santa Claus in my third-grade Christmas pageant. Once I heard the applause, I was hooked. I participated in countless plays during high school and college, and even did some community theater after graduation.
Then I moved into “real” adulthood—work, church, kids, husband, friends, mortgages, car payments, bedtime stories, house projects—and I couldn’t figure out how to make time for eight weeks of nightly rehearsals and three weekends of performances. Although I missed acting, I told myself that part of my life was over.
But every time I saw a play, even if only a second-grade production of The Grouchy Ladybug, I wanted to be on the stage, to participate in the creative process, to sing with a full orchestra backing me up. So this spring I worked up my nerve and auditioned for a show. And I got a part. I’m slightly disconcerted to be playing the mother of a college-age son, especially since the last time I was on stage I played a 16-year-old, but I’m thrilled nonetheless.
Throughout those intervening years, I excused putting my dreams and passions aside in the name of serving others. But I did myself a disservice. Life isn’t an all-or-nothing operation. I’m wrong to think my loved ones can survive only if I let them suck all the life out of me. Yet this belief is the common curse of women. We assume the only way to be good friends, good daughters, good mothers, good wives, good bosses, good coworkers, good anything is to put aside every one of our interests and devote ourselves to others. We think having our own dreams and hopes and plans is selfish.
Yet when the apostle Paul wrote in many of his letters about God’s gifts to us as individuals, he emphasized their essentiality to a community’s spiritual health. Each gift has a value and purpose, Paul explained, because each comes from God. “There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work” (1 Corinthians 12:4–6).
I no longer believe I’m “selfish” to honor my God-given dreams and gifts. In fact, I might be more selfish to think I’m so vital to the lives and well being of others that they won’t be able to cope if I’m not there to show them how. I don’t “serve” those people at all when I give up for their sakes everything that matters to me.
And I don’t illustrate to others the importance of developing our gifts. My 11-year-old daughter has big plans for her life. If anyone can figure out how to be a veterinarian/Broadway star, she can. Certainly, the realities of adulthood will temper those dreams. But I never want her to abandon them altogether. I never want her to doubt they matter. And I never want her to forget who she is and how God created her to be. I want my daughter to walk where God leads, whether onto a stage or into an animal hospital. And if she’s wearing character shoes when she does, that will be fine with me.
Blessings,
What dreams and passions have you put aside in the name of serving others? How could reconnecting with yourself actually honor God and benefit others?
Posted at 9:01 AM on June 17, 2008.
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Comments
I writing this, but really, I am at a loss for words. Today is my birthday--and I don' t think it is by accident that I stumbled onto this blog. I feel like it is a laser-directed message to my soul. My dream has also been to "act"-- be on stage-- actually, it has always been to write and act in Christian dramas/skits that share and show God's love. But its like that dream went away years ago- and today, as I look back on this past year, I realized that I really do not have any "live" dreams that I am pursuing or even real goals in my life. Reading what you write is like reading about my own life-- except I having really found myself yet--- but this year, I will take the steps to not only find myself--but to uncover my old dreams. ( I hope!)
thank you
Posted by: Kathie on June 17, 2008
I love the stage!!! And it's been nearly 25 years for me - except for the Christmas production I was in for our church a couple years back and a couple of mid-child-bearing years when I was able to dance with a litergical dance group. I've been very happy in these years of homeschooling mommyhood, pastoring alongside my husband, leading ladies ministry, caring for aging parents . . . serving others. In the midst I've enjoyed encouraging my children in their dance, speech and acting interests.
One of the quotes I love best is, "As women, we can do everything - just not all at the same time!"
Thank the Lord for the wonderful "stages" of life and the wondrous joy in each one. And yes, I am looking fw to the empty nest (10 years or so from now) - not because it will be empty, for that is heart-wrenching, but because in-between my grandma hours I'll be able to do so many more new things with the Lord - perhaps even a stage appearance or two!
Posted by: Sue on June 18, 2008
Thank you for writing this article. It has really inspired me. God bless
Posted by: brooke on June 19, 2008
Carla, Thank you for this. Your words are a reminder that God is good. I was just praying for a good way to get a discussion going with a group of women on using their gifts, and your blog will be the opener I need. (Don't worry, I'll be sure to give you credit.)
Posted by: Caryn on June 20, 2008
Thank you for this article today...I have not been "consistant" in my love habits for my "dreams" and "hopes" and "gifts" that the Lord has blessed me with. I too, have looked back this year of "reflection" after a divorce almost 2 years ago. I have been an "empty-nester" grandma for 10 years now...and after almost 23 years of marriage the second time, and 7 the first, the 31 years since high school graduation have been "others" focused, from the military, to two husbands, two miscarriages, a beautiful almost 28 year old daughter and now two beautiful grandchildren. I have a new fiance' and I am getting married in the next few weeks. A new home in a new town, and still close to my daughter and grandchildren, friends and others. I don't know what I want to do, where the Lord is leading me, the Arts (visual), a little gallery, food (Chef business) or something else...I am one class short this Summer of my AA degree after trying for 16 years to finish and also have started that BA, too...will I ever finish? My goal(s) are to find out what God wants for me and do it. Thank you for being here.
In His Name,
always,
T
Posted by: THENEWYORKBAGLADY on June 20, 2008
Carla, from the Holy Spirit to your keyboard and straight to my heart, these are some good words I needed. I've struggled with going back to school--despite encouragement and support from family, friends, and my church--because I thought my relationships would flounder if I couldn't devote as much time to them. I'm beginning to realize how much others value me, not because I'm doing stuff for them but because they are good, compassionate folks who have the God-driven capacity to love and serve me, too. Thanks for sharing what God's teaching you.
Posted by: Holly on June 20, 2008
I just cannot tell you how much this article affected me! I even wrote about it in my blog today. God has been revealing to me that I need to get in touch with the person He has created me to be & I've wrestled with it because I've felt so selfish. He's been using several things to show me that I'm NOT being selfish, and today reading your article sealed it for me! Thank you so much for sharing this with others!
God bless,
Michelle
http://holdingupthebanner.blogspot.com/
Posted by: Michelle on June 21, 2008
I want to thank you for telling your story because this messge for sent for me to read. when i read this message i literally broke down and start crying because i have truly lost my self. i don't know where to begin or how to get started, but thank you for the inspiration to at least begin.
Be Blessed
Posted by: Sheila on June 21, 2008
It was perfect timing that I read this! Throughout my years in school I was always a very creative writer. I always impressed and and won the parise of all my teachers for the eloquent way I was able to transcribe what was in my vivid imagination so successfully onto paper in the form of a short story, poem, or song. Unfortunately when I graduated from college "real life" began and after getting my first job and then holding down two jobs to pay the bills and finally joining the Army, it had been years since I wrote anything creative. I felt as though the spark my imagination was extinguished. Very recently, like last month(!) my sister started encouraging me to write. She remembered how much I loved writing when we were growing up. She kept pushing me to write something. On a whim I decided to enter one of my poems into our local library's poetry contest and my poem received an honorable mention! Out of all the entries I was one of the recognized! I won some prizes, my poem was posted in the library for all to read, and was even published in the libray's newsletter! It gave me the confidence I needed to get back into writing! Next month one of my short stories will be published as a chapter in a book that the pastor of our church recently wrote! Praise be to God that I was able to rediscover my passion and God-given creativity!
Posted by: Sandra on June 21, 2008
Thanks or the blog!
I had once put my love for the stage on the back burner. I just resigned myself to the fact that my theatre days were part of my childhood, high school and college years. The only think I did theatre related was go to see a produtions every once and a while. But I always wondered why God gave me the love for theatre yet not give me the outlet??? Then I found another venue (church!) that included the arts as part of worship. I was thirlled and that spark is back!
Posted by: Anna on June 21, 2008
I guess blogs are another form of forums or communities. If they are, that is great! I am new here, love the magazine, and am looking for a "blog" to help those with wives with worries about money management. I am trying really hard to manage money, the right way, staying out of the hole is hard to do when living pay check to pay check. Sometimes I go into the hole and it overwhelms me sometimes. Thank you
Posted by: Fancicoffee on June 23, 2008
What if your big dream is allowed by God to be taken away but it still burns in your heart? How do you deal with it?
Posted by: janet on June 26, 2008
Carla,
I am so greatful for your blog and your honesty. I to have found myself again and have enbraced it like never before. My talent is writing. Being married for 4years and with two toddler that talent have been burried under all the toys and loads of laundry. Recently I went back to college so that I can cultivate that gift so that the Lord Jesus Christ can get the ultimate glory out of my life. I was afraid that people wouldn't consider me worthy of being a writer, but I was much more concerned with how God would respond to me burring my talent. I have never been happier. When we are doing what God has called us to do we are becoming a willing vessel. I want everything God has for me, a wonderful marriage, beauty healthy kids, a big beautiful estate, peace, and joy that only God can bring.
Posted by: Victoria Taylor on August 6, 2008