Carla,

You've hit a good one. So often we think of our own comfort when dealing with pain, even pain of others. It is a sure thing that suffering will come. As believers, we are not immune, but we do have each other to share in our suffering. Someone to cry with us, sit with us, and eventually-maybe-pray with us. But for the most part quiet presence is our greatest gift.
Thanks for the insight.
Robin

This is exactly right! Thanks for your words. I try to be the kind of friend that does more listening than talking and I long to have a friend who does the same for me when I am hurting. Hope I meet her soon.

It's unfortunate, but I've lost about 4 friends in that last year, 3 of which were Christian, because of their inability to help me through my grief. It's as frustrating for me as it is for them. I so very desperately want to be done with this journey, but only God knows how much longer it will take. I just hope to make new friends to walk with me the rest of the way. Hopefully your words will be good reminders for friends who are frustrated at watching another friend suffer to hang in there until the end with them. Try to consider it as a learning experience for yourself as well.

Carla, this is excellent counsel. As a woman who is usually helping others, I now find myself in need of helping friends. My dh of 20 years passed away almost 6 months ago. He was a minister and we have always been involved in church. My church family is wonderful, but the ones who help me most are the ones who give me hugs and a listening ear. I can't tell you how many times I've had to let comments go in one ear and out the other because I felt those comments minimized my pain in the other person's eyes. It brought no comfort to me, only more grief. Biblical & Christian cliches don't help, either. Sit down with me and let's talk about what an awesome God we serve. Give me His life-giving Word. It has pulled me back from the brink of depression and anxiety every day for the last 5 1/2 months. Thank you for sharing your insight.
Janelle

Some years ago, a relative of mine went thru postpartum psychosis. It was one of the scariest periods of my life as we really didn't know much about ppp and women with ppp are often the ones you read about who hurt their children or themselves. I had solid Christian friends and went to them for support. Because the relative wasn't a believer at the time, a number of my friends were quick to blame lack of belief on the situation. One friend did spend an hour praying with me, but when there was no immediate change in the situation, that friend backed off, not knowing what else to do. During long cross-country phone calls to the woman with ppp and her family, I often felt really alone, but knew that God wanted me to persevere. Sometimes when things were especially bad, my relative wouldn't speak on the phone. The only way I would know she was still there and I was still connecting on some level was to sing to her. I'd sing "You Are My Hiding Place" and she would sing with me. It took about 3 months before she came out of it. Hanging in there with her was one of the hardest things I've ever done. The rewards of doing so were - as the commercial puts it - priceless. My relative became a believer as did her daughter. My relationship with both of them has been amazingly sweet. I've never had children of my own, but my relationship with the daughter has been one of God's greatest blessings in my life. I didn't hang in there for the rewards, but still God was abundantly faithful. I've done things I regret in my life - that was not one of them.

I admit I am guilty the kind of friend (and sister) that wants to fix other's "problems". When a friend or my sister calls me and is upset, hurt, stressed about something going on in their life I always want to offer a solution or try to make them see it from my perspective and hoping that my contribution to "the solution" will get them to see that it's not as bad or serious or dramatic as they are making it seem. I have learned, that that kind of thinking is incredibly insensitive and thoughtless. Of course it is serious to them! Of course it is a big deal to them! Of course it is as bad as they feel it is! I realized that by trying to solve the problem, my way was diminish the gravity of the problem. Now, instead of trying to have an answer for everything my friends and sister share with me, and instead of trying to make them see that it's no big deal and trying to get them to "blow it off" and move on...I LISTEN, I am patient, I let them vent and vent and vent until they do feel better and sometimes, they themselves eventually see it from another perspective on their own. My helping part now is just be there for them to lean on.

Great column. This is one of the key concepts we learned in Stephen Minister training. Our role is to be the "caregiver"--let God be the "curegiver."

People who are suffering don't need our "fixing." They need God's healing. We can listen and care and pray and encourage--as God works in and through us to bring about hope and healing. That's what we do in our congregation's Stephen Ministry!

Terrific article. Wow! Did you ever hear the "work will set you free" one when you feel lousy? Yikes! Looking back there was some real comedy, though - one side of my family marches to the stiff upper lip mentality, and the other side lives life as a daily opera. You should have seen the reunions! Both sides loved music - Bach, Beetovan, Pucchini, and church music from everywhere. After surviving all of that, music to this day is a gift from the Lord, I am convinced.

Your write up may be saying that we talk when we should be listening. For some people, when you are silent they think we do not really care but when we are talking. I spoke to my Pastor when he lost his child who went out with other youths and got drown in the river. What I said to him seem to have waken him up and reminded him of what he knows very well. For others your silence and presence with them is very helpful. Hence, careful understanding of the people will do the trick. There is no general rule.

Sometimes, I just say to her/him, "This stinks," and cry right along with them. Sometimes I just sit next to her in silence, figuring that she will talk if/when she's ready. Who among us has ever truly fixed another person? Much as I'd like to, I know it's not my job.

For my pain,I really lean on the Lord. For others' pain,I just treat with hugs and prayer. It seems to help.I listen if they want to talk.

Carla,

Thank you so much for your blog. It so poignantly expressed how I've been feeling lately. Like you said, sometimes things we might say to encourage our friends sound trite and can do more harm than good. You put my thoughts into words. And with the verses you write of, redirected my path toward being a friend they can count on to be there for them and not force them to conform to my schedule.

Blessings.
Tracy

I agree. My ex was emotionally and verbally abused by his mom. His wife divorced him and all this has lead him to drink and use cocaine. He dwells on the past and cannot seem to move forward. He broke up with me for these reasons. But God touched my heart and told me that I should be there to confort him and guide him. I pray that the lord will heal him.

Thanks for that timely bit of truth. I could relate on all points. Who teaches on suffering and how to help others through it? It's not a popular sermon topic, but it sure is needed. Thank you for your honesty.

Thanks for talking about this topic as it was exactly what I needed. I tend to do the same thing because I don't want to feel pain nor see others in pain. I also think that I do this because I tend to internalize other's pain and carry it when I should give it over to God. Thanks for reminding me that I am not God and that I should just listen and pray for others who are hurting.

Carla, I really enjoyed your reading today. Very often I have to listen to others who are going thru some kind of issues in life, I am always able to brighten their day, not by saying what they want to here but often with the facts of life, this gives them hope as they are usually successful in their plight. Continue to help us in your writings.

Thanks for your sharing. My younger sisters hubby was killed in a truck accident January this year.I feel her pain with her and her new walk in life. With Gods help I am able to be with her as a comfort and allow this process of greiving and growing to unfold. Friends are eager to have her "Move on" and her natural instinct is to resist and withdraw, I trust God will direct her path in his time.

I am in pain a lot of the time. I have a variety of arthritis that causes my joints to degenerate or rot. I call it "joint rot". I have had 12 surgeries and 11 of them were joint related. My husband says he budgets for 1 or 2 surgeries per year. Chronic pain is not easy to deal with!!!!!
People have laid hands on me and prayed for my healing, but it hasn't happened. I had to ask myself if I really meant it when I told God I wanted Him to use me in any way He saw fit. Apparently he can use me in a more effective way if I am handicapped than able bodied. Once I realized that, I was able to give the situation over to God. While He has not taken me out of my pain, He has faithfully held my hand and walked with me through it. I have also found that I get depressed the most if I am focusing on my own pain. That is when I look for someone I can do something for - even if it is a phone call. Getting my mind off myself and onto others helps tremendously. I would be interested in corresponding with others who deal with chronic pain.

Love all that has been said. I was usually the one that was the listener and the helper and now I am the one in need and we know no one in my area. Walking w/ the dog has helped me get some frustrations out, but I am slowly learning what not to say esp. to some well-meaing family members for they have really hurt my feelings. I fell last summer and broke bones &had several surgeries and almost died so I am extremely grateful for life, just struggling w/ the aftermath of it all and so so tired of advice that is not asked for. I bite my tongue and at times have tried to say, but am interrupted w/ their "what I should and should not do"
But the best has been writing in my journal and then a poem of the blessing.
I think at times we are too quick to make that person feel better and you have to allow them to fully grieve, it is a process that is needed and if you just be there for them and with them you will create a lasting kindred friendship like no other. I was a people person and now I am closed in and that has been the most painful, but I know my LORD is still on the throne and will use this time of healing & training for HIS purpose for HE always has a plan for HIS reasons in every Season. Thanks for this postings :~)

Thank you Carla,
I just got off an engagement and the sad thing is most of the people that i thought were my brothers in Christ have abandon me, instead have taken one side, her side. I don't say they should be on her side but it made me question what means being a Christian, if we only show compassion to one side oh well even the scripture warn us not trust men. However, through these times of tribulations and trials, Christ has revealed wonderful thing to me, he has not taken the pain away from me but he has reassured me of his love and joy ( I am on top of this rocky mountain it tough but I am not alone) and how it was for the best. But I wish we Christian should not be quick to talk but to listen at both side with compassion instead of be quick to judge!!!
Your story is an inspiration again thanks you!!

I know what it means to go through tragedy and people around you don't know what it means to just listen. I lost my 1st pregnancy at 6 months and it has been 5 months since then, i am still not over it. People in my church and christains around me tell me to get over it! it happens. My friends said the same thing. My husband is the same, he just does not want to hear ,for him it is in the past. Nobody understands that i need to heal, i need a friend to listen. I go to the hospital just to find someone who will listen. As a result, i have so much anger and bitterness in me that i have found myself drawn away from God. I cannot find HIS healing. I pray to God for a friend who will help me through it and i am still praying. It is hard. When people go through times of sorrow, they do not need quick fix it words, it does more damage. I have learnt from my own loss that all i want to be is a friend that listens and is there all the way.

Jay,
I so understand your hearts cry - I lost my first and that was almost 30 yrs ago and I still at times have a tear. I was only 4months along and had just begun to feel movement. It was listed as miscarrige but it was life to me and I was suppose to get over it quickly.
I was a mess for a while and in fact I thought I was doing well and the first Mothers Day I wept like a baby at the altar. A very few were understanding but still I was to get over it.
For one thing you can not so easy - your hormones are a mess. It takes a while for your body to go back to a non-pregnany status and that varies w/ each person. When it is your first it is the hardest. You have no little one to hold. I did have one lady that was married to a close friend of my hubby that was helpful. She needed me one day to help her with her son. At first I didn't think I could do it. But finally said otay. I arrived right at nap time and she was in the midst of some cooking and he was very fussy and wanted to be held. SO I rocked him. In the midst of him fighting sleep he reached up with one hand and touched my face and said mommy. I lost it !!!
I cried and those were the most precious tears - that I will always remember -
The LORD knew I needed that and helped free the beginning of the emotions. NO one else can understand if they have not experienced this themselves. TOO, we can not expect them too and thats hard for we hurt so so very much.
Many do nothing in not knowing what to do. We can be there -doing and say nothing and that speaks volumes. I pray for you & I pray you do find someone to unload all too. I did. I later had a daugher and now a son who are grown.
MY son is 24 & Autistic and requires care 24/7 so I do hear your heart my dear.
Each step as painful as it is - is precious and especially designed just for you. I know it does not feel it - I know I felt where you are even with latest surgeries and etc...
WE are never forsaken and we do long for a great female friend. I am your email friend. I am not sure if they allow us to share email but mine is available if they allow it to be given out. I do not know how this is done; but if you want I am always here to listen. I do not want to push you, nor fix you, or even tell you anything, but just be here for you as I have had. Remember, all that you are feeling is normal. I have so so been there where you are.
I am alone in my area with my son. All women my age are doing things together and I am not invited for I always have my son. Plus I have a new grand-daughter in another state that we have not been able to go see.
My friend - I so so appreciate you sharing your hearts pain - this is a great step and I pray for you a hedge of protection around your heart and the healing process. Healing is deep and precious.
Sorrie for yaking so much - I just so know and understand where you are. Again thanks for sharing and allowing the rest of us to pray with and for you through this time of your life. :~)

Wonderful article and I couldn't agree more!
My husband of 30 years died 2/03.
Granted it took me far too long (5years) to work thru the pain/heartache/depression but I did work thru it by the grace of my Almighty God.

I wanted to Praise God here in this forum for the 3 dearest & closest friends who did just be there and were always ready to listen or talk or cry or whatever with me. Whatever state I was in, they tried to go there with me.

There were many others, church family & biological family that wanted to do nothing but push & talk & give me the "Word". I know in some ways I needed that, the "Word" is always good but at that time it helped nothing.

I know they all love me and they just wanted to help, I realize that but it hurt more than it helped. I still love them anyway, they are family! :)

Thanks again for writing this.
God bless you,
Cindy

Growing up in a home where my step dad suffered from alcoholism I often took on the fixer role in my family. If he was angry, rather I did anything or not it was up to me to make things better and I have taken that with me in my adult life with friends. I worry and fret over my friends troubles and make them my own and want to fix it right away for them. In the process I'm sure I've pushed some friends away and made them feel they couldn't talk to me because they wanted me to listen more instead of trying to fix it. My kids have told me this at times as well. My younger daughter especially says Mom I don't need you to fix this for me I just need to be able to vent and tell you about it.
Thanks for this article. It made me think and examine how I handle things.

Thanks for the article. I'm a fixer and when I'm broken, I want to be fixed. When my grandson died in utero at 33 wks., I could not fix him, nor his parents, nor his little sister. The most comfort I received was from those who cried with me...a ministry of tears, so to speak. I now know what it means to "weep with those who weep." Because of the depth of my own sorrow, I'm not afraid to be involved with the deep pain of others. I asked God to let me not waste my grief...I haven't. Thanks again for the insight.

I have always been the type of person who wants to "fix" people,to take away their pain and be there for them,but sometimes you can't, only God can,and Quoting scripture and trying to tell them to "get over it" when they are hurting badly does not help at all and may only compound their grief,time does heal and God is the only one that can heal a broken heart.

This is so true. Sometimes I try to rush my friends/family because I do not have anymore energy for their issues. I am going to be more patient and stop thinking I can "fix" everything and just be there for them.

Tolerance for pain, whether its your own or someone else’s, is developed over time through continuous personal study of His word combined with a strong prayer life. Paul didn’t just instruct Timothy to endure hardness as a good soldier and leave it at that. He gave Timothy a basic formula to follow
(II Timothy 2:3,15, 24). When Christ talked and offered support to people in pain, He also gave solutions through His wisdom and understanding of scriptures.

I found in (Isaiah 50:4 … that I should know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary …). I realize that for
me to do the same, whether for myself or for others, I have to prepare for it --- in advance.

Thanks Carla for sharing. This is really something that we should always be reminded of.. to be a friend, Just Like Jesus.

Press on.