I'm struck by the fact that we need to assume that everyone has struggled or is struggling. Thanks, Carla.

I sometimes too struggle with the same thing trying to be ok for everyone else and suffering silently myself. The enemy convinces you that you should not tell anyone what you're going thru because they need your strength so we keep living a lie and literally dying on the inside. Please pray with and for me.

Garnetta

both of my parents were very angry people. they took a lot og that out on me and my brother both with hitting and yelling. as a result i never felt i was worth much and have carried that with me all of my life. it is so hard to admit that the ones you should trust the most let you down

Carla,

Your writings about 'silent struggles' prompts me to write this:

Have you ever written about women who gave up their child for adoption? Today's society, families (and individuals) now have very different thoughts about the role of a single mother. However, 10, 20, 30, 40, even 50 years ago (and individual situations) were quite different. Many birth mothers gave up their children to childless couples with the hope of a much better life for their child than they could ever provide.
How does a birth mother respond when/if contacted by their adult child who was adopted? What role do the adopted parents play in the contacts (if any)? How can the expectations of a "closed" adoption remaining confidential be overcome by the party who is contacted 'out of the blue'? How does the birth mother share this information from the past with current family members?
A very recent change in the laws of Colorado and Massachusetts (2007) has resulted in information from previously 'closed' adoptions becoming available.
Is there a place on the site for the necessary Christian guidance and wisdom that all the parties involved need?
Thank you,
Anon

Thanx for such an encouragement it has made me change my outlook of life. So my role models are just like me they too struggle!

I am blessed by this story and it helps me see myself. Like Cheryl i have been struggling too on how to tell my friends about what i've going thru even at this very moment and what i have gone thru. Even with my own family i am having hard time telling them what really is in my heart.

this was very encouraging for me who sometimes feels that the other girls have it together. I'm a freshman in college and it has taken me a very long time to get into 'the swing' with emotional struggles so great that I feel noone could relate. thank you for the encouragement that God works with us through and in our struggles

It is only through the blood of Jesus that we are strong enough to work past these hurts, whether it is alcoholic parents, physical, emotional or mental abuse or even the loss of a child. All these things are very painful and tend to block our view of the cross like a cloud. Thanks to our Father & Savior's love and the help of the Holy Spirit, we can look past these clouds and keep focused on the cross. "Praise God for His unspeakable gift!"

I can't believe this message today. I too just returned from lunch with a college friend. I was struck today with how perfect her life seemed to turn out. We have similar careers, but she has married, just bought a beautiful new home, and has a sweet little 3 year old. I am still single, trying to figure out what God's plan for me is and have a small home I share with my brother. The more we talked I learned that she has struggled with fertility issues, which opended my eyes to maybe her "not so perfect life". I was wrestiling with all of this when I came upon this article, so I thank you for the uplifting message. I still don't know where God is taking me on this single road, but I know He is taking me somewhere, right?!

What a great article. Thanks for sharing. I know these feelings and have my own share of struggles. I watch my 17 soon to be 18 yr old daughter I know there lies the same types of struggles. I will share this with her... it's good for her to see it's not just her mom telling her that lots of women have hidden struggles. Thanks!

It's easy to fall into the trap of comparing my weaknesses to others' perceived strengths. That's not fair, or real. "We all, like sheep, have gone astray" and we all have weaknesses and strengths. If I can remember that only God sees all that someone is (and is going through) and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, including (especially) myself, the world will be a better place.
I will always have a better attitude toward someone if I pray for them and our relationship.

I have been stuggling with this too. Envying others prevents us from being honest with people and not being honest prevents us from loving as deeply as God calls us to love. It is hard to admit that I am clutzy, make many mistakes, have no exact plans for my future, my financial situation is not exactly what it should be according to the world standards and I am still single in my late 20's. Yet I know in all of this the Lord will provide and knowing that I am not the only one that doesn't have it all together is liberating. Sharing my struggles enables them to share with me.

When we make comparisons with others it leads to all types of deceptive thoughts. I know for me, it leads to a lot of selfish thoughts - why not me, why is she better, she wouldn't want to talk to me because I am pathetic, when I get it all sorted then I will truely be happy, I have to do this all by myself because God isn't here to help me... The list of thoughts goes on and the focus is always on me! I never try and think of others or try and include God in all of this. After all the world is all about me and my struggles. Could have it as bad as me?

It is hard to admit that. I am a very fawed person especially in my thoughts. But I know that God is calling me to change my thoughts and opinoins of others so I may be able to change my thoughts and opinoin about me. I thank you for your wonderful message.

Amen - been going through it all day today when I haven't "felt" loved or cherished or important to anyone. Had to cry in the bathroom at work and then go back to it wondering what's wrong with me - everyone else has it all together. Came home and cried and prayed that God would allow me to see myself as He sees me - His precious child. But it's hard when there's no human affirmation. Thanks for praying!

I have rarely experienced unconditional love from women and as such its made me quite wary of them. But I am glad to know that there are others as well. I do know that some have very large hearts, kind hearts and I thank God for such women. These are rare!

I am 30 years old and struggle with who I am in Christ? I have looked for love in all the wrong places and nothing satisfied my desire to be known and understood.

My focus right now is to learn to be honest with others and express the real me, who seeks to hide, because I run the risk of rejection, rather than acceptance.

I pray for all you women who can relate to my plead of my heart, to find the love that can only satify the longing of my heart only the Lord can.

i guess one lesson we can learn here is to just communicate. time heals all wounds but talking about it, sharing it with the right people will make it faster and easier to bear. lets continue to offer a listening ministry to people . . . God bless Carla! my prayers are with you . . .
bingaroma

Very interesting to know that God works in everyone's life the similar way but in different measure and developing different characters. Many struggles within us is to make us a better person, only time can change the perspective of how we look at our struggles.

Thanks Carla! Now, I can see that most of my struggles are meant for good.

Its true that women we are going thru hard time especially as wifes.but thanx God who created the way we are and with special gift of severance.myself am passing through a very tough time with my husband but Roman 8:28 has been of greate help to me.let us pray for each other

hi carla,

thanks for sharing this message with us women who want so much to be what God has destined us to be but find it so hard that quiting seems like the easiest way out.

i also have a thousand and one struggles about who i am, comparing myself with my female friends who seem much better than myself and even my younger sisters who i fear will grow up to be more beautiful, have better and richer boyfriends, better jobs and all sorts of crazy thoughts. i wonder if any of you out ther feel the same way i do? but your message out.

it is reasuring although i still don't know what to do with myself except pray that God takes all these fears from me and replace them with his peace. i am truelly glad i had the chance to read your message.

My heart has been aching in the aftermath of yet another attempt to find the intimacy and promise of God-shaped loved in other more immediate forms and the consequential uncertainty of my identity and value. Insecurity is a natural effect of building on foundations that aren't secured. But the struggle with ensuing emotions--jealousy, rage, entitlement, etc.--destroys the soul. And comparing myself with others only increases those emotions, isolating me further. It was a surprise to find community and understanding in the women who I've perceived to be competitors and opponents in my own life. It shouldn't surprise me that it's common for others to feel the depth of that particular sorrow, but it does.

I've long been perceived as having a polished life. It's odd how I experience great frustration with that presumption, but how I frantically try to uphold it in order to receive approval. It is difficult to name these behaviors, yes, as well as to identify where they've come from, but I write all of this to say that I understand, and that we really can't assume that someone's okay just because they seem so. How good it feels when we can be honest with each other.

Thanks for this reminder!! I definately need to remember that the people I think have it all together & have no problems have them...maybe more often than I do. thanks!!

Thanks Carla for this very encouraging and inspiring message. I struggle with the curse of envy as well. I'm now 41 and still single. Everyone around me is married. I have a good job and own my own home, but it's hard to persevere with my faith when it seems like God has forgotten about me in other areas. However, I am encouraged by your words and the comments from the other readers. No one's life is perfect and just because I'm STILL not married doesn't mean squat. Getting married does not solve anything, and just might bring more problems since it requires considering another's opinion and feelings. Still, it would be nice to know someone in my life would like to know how my day went (besides my mother), what we're doing this weekend, and is interested in spending time with me. The grass always looks greener on the other side, but I work on not being fooled by that generalization. It's amazing how the belief that God is always working on our behalf, that sometimes things aren't what they seem, and that He is always working for our good keeps coming up in my life. I cling to that hope.
Thanks for your words.

reading these posts let me know that I am not alone. I've been looking for love from a husband that is unwilling to even try to love me or work on our marriage. the only reason we still live together is because he can't pay the bills alone. I feel an emptiness that I beg God to fill on a daily basis. it seems ilm just going through the motions of life waiting for Christ to return. the one woman friend I have stands in judgement of me because I am having a struggle to consistently believe God for marriage restoration. I do try--i just get so depressed. she is divorced and patiently waiting on her husband to be changed. I think she thinks I should be happy just to have a man around. I think I'd rather have no man than one who either doesn't talk or when he does its to cuss me out. boy oh boy is it lonely and heartbreaking.

reading these posts let me know that I am not alone. I've been looking for love from a husband that is unwilling to even try to love me or work on our marriage. the only reason we still live together is because he can't pay the bills alone. I feel an emptiness that I beg God to fill on a daily basis. it seems ilm just going through the motions of life waiting for Christ to return. the one woman friend I have stands in judgement of me because I am having a struggle to consistently believe God for marriage restoration. I do try--i just get so depressed. she is divorced and patiently waiting on her husband to be changed. I think she thinks I should be happy just to have a man around. I think I'd rather have no man than one who either doesn't talk or when he does its to cuss me out. boy oh boy is it lonely and heartbreaking.

I felt touched by Cheryl n Monie's comment above. I actually felt just felt like screaming before logging on to this site. I'm married with two kids but quite often i feel so alone young and incapable, so unsure and my husband doesn't help matters cos it feels like I'm the only one bringing up the kids and also working trying to balance evrything. Some friend see the perfect profile...........good job, husband, house n kids at my age but quite often i'm so torn up and don't know who to tell...........

I am going through a terrible time with my mother, and neither of us wants to budge. This article helped me realize that we BOTH are struggling... pray for me that I do the right thing as a daughter... and for humility, and forgiveness on both sides. I thank God for the wisdom found here.

Struggles in life are necessary for our growth in purity,holiness, remind us to abide on Love that´s freely Lays openwide arms on the hill of calvary.
It is our little mind long to see things in one color, but it would be more practical to live la life with variety of challenges,trials, this way we are to discover all the gifts of our Father in heaven. We are to remeber though everytime we are push or pull or swirl by a life situations, we are actually gearing upward to become, Tougher than any physical,emotional challenges. Definitely we need situations that will make us the person God love to pour His Blessings. comment why all the dates are February 22,2008?

Thank you for your article. It reflects so much what a college friend of mine and I recently discovered about one another as well. I am thankful for the body of Christ and how years and distance do not remove the care and love we have for one another.

I'm also thankful for maturity and the ability to see past the facade and know that there are depths to explore with friends, new and old. May we all have the courage to do so!

I wish I could say that, in my church social circles, the women are open and honest like the ones I read about here.

I live in a most affluent county. All the women are like Stepford wives, seem to have it all together, drive the same SUVs or mini-vans. Their children all do the same sports just about. No one talks about their struggles even though I know they have them based on what leaks out here and there. Yet, when I gently pursue the discussion, each one shuts down and puts on the mask. They all talk about things that are extremely materialistic and hugely bore me; things like Southern Living parties and items, their new vehicles, home improvement stuff. Sigh. I really need a lot of prayers b/c I'm really struggling.

I to struggle silently and often times people think that I have it all together and I don't.

It is hard to share what you are going through or even open up when your parent has taught you through their silence, to remain silent yourself.

Remaining silent can cause depression and a host of other things if we are not strong in our mind.

Someone please be real! This life we are in is hard! And sometimes, we don't SEE, or FEEL, or HEAR GOD. Yes, there is static clouding his voice and stronghold keeping back his strength. But life is hard. Marriages fall apart, kids are hateful and mean to their kids. you lose a job; maybe he loses his, health gets bad and lets' face it, when YOUR THE ONE IN THE CHURCH that everyone has look up to, it's hard to tell them that you see GOD in all this. I know HE's there, but I don't see him. It's hard. I hate it. I'm tired and depressed and Death seems alot more attractive to me. but there the looming questions is....will they get my insurance? Will God forgive me for being so weak.? God ARE YOU THERE?

"And that girlfriend with the seemingly charmed life wonders why she’s not married, why she can’t get ahead at work, why she’s still worried she’s a disappointment to her parents."
Thats me ,thanks Carla for such an inspiring article.It has really helped me realize that its ok to have struggles and to realize that no body is perfect but we are all as women living a life in our struggles yet God's grace is sufficient.

this is very uplifting, even though still young ive struggled myself and kind of look at other pple as being perfect, without struggles, worry and all that. tanx for sharing this