Angel Visits
Reexamining a friend’s critical remark as a message from God
The other day, while on the phone with an old friend, I confided my struggle to be a better conversationalist.
“I talk about myself too much,” I told her. “I never remember to ask people about their lives. I’m trying to get into the habit of mentally reviewing all the questions I should ask before I call. I’ve got a list near the phone of topics relevant to specific friends in case they call. Even then,” I confessed, “I’m so self-centered, I often get caught up in something I’m saying and forget my lists altogether. I feel so bad.”
“Yeah,” my friend said. “You do tend to monopolize conversations.”
She was right, of course, but I was immediately angry. Somehow I managed not to remind her how I’d gone out of my way to ask her about numerous topics throughout our phone call. I didn’t even let on I was upset, but just listened to her blather away about a mutual acquaintance who was such a wonderful listener—who always remembered anniversaries and kids’ birthdays and the smallest details of everyone’s life.
I stewed all afternoon. The next morning, during my run, I tried to pray about my friend’s surgery later that day, and I couldn’t. I formed sentences in my head, but my spirit was entirely uninvolved. I was still that miffed.
I don’t know what I’d expected in response to my confession. Commiseration, maybe. Or, better yet, the comforting lie that I wasn’t as bad as I thought, that I’d made some progress in recent months.
So, as I ran, I decided to take this encounter as a test case for my new year’s resolution—to regain the sweeter faith I had as a new believer by seeking God in minor daily experiences. Immediately, I remembered a passage from Marilynne Robinson’s book Gilead about viewing conflicts and insults as visits from angels—and thus, as opportunities to engage grace.
What if I looked at my friend as God’s emissary? I mused. What if I reexamined her remark as a message from God?
I’d been studying angel visits for an upcoming book on Advent, so I had several in my mind. I struggled, though, as I huffed down the road, to recast my friend’s finger pointing as the “good news of great joy” the angel announced to the shepherds. Certainly my friend’s remark was nothing like Gabriel’s encouraging opening words to Mary—“Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you” (Luke 1:28)—or to Zechariah, “Do not be afraid, Zachariah; your prayer has been heard” (Luke 1:13).
The angel visit that launched the prophet Isaiah’s ministry was a better match. Isaiah saw God on his throne surrounded by seraphs, the highest order of angels, singing “Holy, Holy, Holy” so exuberantly that buildings shook, the temple filled with smoke, and Isaiah trembled with dread.
‘“Woe to me!’ [Isaiah] cried. ‘I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among people with unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty’” (6:5).
I envied Isaiah’s ability to recognize first his own sin, rather than focus on others’ sins. As I ran, I forced myself to look past my friend’s lips to my own—to the me-centered words perpetually filling my mouth and drowning out the words of those around me. Why, even in that moment of confessing, I had to acknowledge, I was focusing on me. And not so much confessing, really, as secretly seeking someone else’s denial of my faults.
I take comfort in the next part of Isaiah’s story, though. One of the seraphs flew down to Isaiah, touched a live coal to his lips, and said, “See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for” (6:7).
Atoned for. Burned away. Cauterized, even. Indeed, atonement and cauterization are very similar: the painful burning away of rottenness to save a person.
Once home from my run, I discovered the unusual etymology of the English word atone. Unlike most words’ origins, its root doesn’t come from some Greek, Latin, or Indo-European source. Rather, atone is a contraction of at and one. To atone is to be at one about something. In accord. To agree with, just as my friend had agreed with my self-assessment. Her words, I suddenly saw, offered a similar atonement. They burned me with the embarrassing realization that, however hard I try, I can’t avoid sinning; and they simultaneously reminded me that I’ve received atonement for my sins, even those that resist my best efforts at reform.
Remembering the amazing nature of grace—that it’s undeserved, that it’s permanent, that it burns away my most persistent errors—dissolved my hurt pride and freed me to pray for my friend, and mean it.
Blessings,
Posted at 8:31 AM on February 13, 2008.
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That was a wonderful article and reminded me much of myself. I, too, get wrapped up in my story and should listen to others more. I shall try to see conflicts more as visits from Angels. Thank you.
Posted by: Carole on February 15, 2008
Patty,
Once again I am convicted by the Spirit. Praise God for your openness and willingness to share how God prunes and shapes you each day. I do enjoy reading your blog, and your message is always timely and your bibical knowledge always informative.
Posted by: angela on February 15, 2008
How this reminds me of me! I know how self-centered I can be. Like you, I have recognized that I rarely seem concerned about the needs of others, and merely ramble on about my own. I have prayed for God to change me. I know that can be a dangerous prayer, but it is a sincere one. Every time I catch myself in "Me-mode," I feel so convicted. I truly desire to be more Christ-like, and place others above myself. But I certainly have a long way to go. Thank goodness God loves me through it all!
Posted by: Beth on February 15, 2008
God sends His angels to us in many forms and for many reasons.
I used to get really angry when someone would be driving under the speed limit when I couldn't pass them. One day, I thought about Balaam beating his donkey to go. The Angel of the Lord was trying to get Balaam to stop and he was trying to rush ahead.
Now I see the slow car in front of me as God's sent one to slow me down. I thank God for sending an angel to make me stop rushing ahead. It is amazing what a difference God has brought in my life with this simple lesson.
Posted by: imdiane on February 16, 2008
Well, I've just been brushed with "angel
wings" the second time this week ... a woman at bible study was talking about her problem with this problem. And, I got to thinking "yes, that could be me" ... and
now a second whisper in my heart of something major to pray about. Thank you, I needed that ....
Posted by: karen on February 16, 2008
Thank you for that!
I also tend to talk about myself too much - or I go the other way and only ask questions which I think can be intrusive and threatening -
Thank you for your honest article; it is encouraging to know that other people have the same faults. And that they don't preclude us from being used by God!
Posted by: steffi huxley on February 16, 2008
Thank you for the reminder that God contacts, connects and/or "clobbers us over the head at times" with humble filled moments... I am so glad that we have these angels to cover us, protect us, and encourage us. Psalm 34:7 is something my kids and I have been trying to pray on nightly. "For the angel of the Lord guards all who fear him, and rescues them." NLT Life app bible-- I pray that they will continue to keep you and yours in their company!! Smiles, Sandy
Posted by: Sandy Schramm on February 16, 2008
yes, Lord, fill us with Your Spirit, until there is no room left for sin and self... we surrender to You once again to be on the throne of our lives... thank YOu that as You are, You dethrone self, ... what freedom!
Posted by: bonnie on February 17, 2008
Wow --- thanks so much for the reminder that the challenges we face everyday are messages from GOD. Thank goodness for grace.
Posted by: EMC on February 17, 2008
as i read this article it reminded me that in some way we all want to be heard. some times we might ramble about our selves for a bit but i think if we are are listening to the holy spirit he will bring us back into check and we will begin the process of saying do you have time to chat or listen or as a friend of mine and i do we sometimes have to set limits so we don't just go on and on. that to me is a great boundary. i also think we all have to learn to listen not to just to others but in our relationship with the Lord. also another important lesson i have learned it that when someone does share is how we bring Jesus into the conversation and then bring all that was talked about into prayer. it takes away the focus of ourselves and back where it needs to be.
blessings to all
Posted by: jeannette on February 17, 2008
I am also guilty of talking about my favorite subject-ME. Thank you for not only sharing your issue but a possible solution as well.
Posted by: Sherri on February 17, 2008
Wow. Thank you. That was a very timely message for me. In fact, someone was just pointing out the exact same passage in Isaiah when I was getting prayer at church on Sunday. I really needed this. It really confirmed that I'm on the right track. Thank you so much for turning to God with your conflict. I am sure the conclusion you found was exactly what God wanted for you, not just for your benefit but also for the benefit of others.
Posted by: Avalon on February 19, 2008
One reason that I don't ask questions of new acquaintances is that I don't want to be seen as nosy. I talk about my life and kids a lot, but one reason is that I want to open up a topic of conversation. I figure, if they wanted me to know, they'd tell me. How can I appear genuinely concerned with others, without overstepping my bounds into what's none of my business?
Posted by: Lauri on February 19, 2008
Thank you very much for this. I have always hated being criticised. I end up being defensive instead of accepting and changing.
After reading your article, I will see criticisms as mesages from heaven. Then i'll be able to change for the better. This way, i'll be a better wife, mother, sister, friend, helper, sympathiser.
Here's to the new ME!
Posted by: Mimi on February 20, 2008
I needed to hear this as well after reading Mimi's blog. One thing though i'd prefer constructive criticism.
Posted by: Adeola on February 23, 2008
Patty, your blog is convicting me also, but from the other side of the-er-conversation! I tend to be a good listener, which is good, but also results in me feeling like I'm the "designated listener" with a number of friends. When most of a conversation revolves around the other person, I assume she isn't that interested in me and eventually I back away - first emotionally, and then in terms of not calling or getting together. I'm sure some of my friends have been hurt when I've backed off. As a believer, I struggle with whether or not to tell someone they're monopolizing the conversation. I also struggle with resentment. Because I've assumed someone isn't interested, I won't give much in the way of detailed responses when the friend does ask about me... sometimes, I'm justified as my response does serve as a springboard for some friends to pull the conversation back to themselves... But still, as a fellow believer, I need to be willing to forgive and to speak up...
Posted by: Ellen on February 27, 2008
Lauri, I think not wanting to be nosy is a good point. As someone who doesn't always talk that much, I don't like it when someone probes too much too soon. But if I'm initially willing to share something, but the other person is talking, I won't interrupt! And what shuts me down faster than anything is if something I say only serves as a springboard back to the other person's experiences/life/etc. For example, if I say my child is sick and the other person seques into how sick HER children have been, I'm going to assume there's no interest there. I think casual intial questions can lead deeper. I've found is that if I'm listening closely and follow up on the other person's comment, most people will gradually open up...
Posted by: Ellen on February 28, 2008
I enjoyed your post, and having been on both sides of those conversations, I stopped for a minute to think about my own journey of learning to share in truth and in love. Its really quite complex when you think about it. This is what I have come to understand for myself: that learning to love others and hear them really does come after we learn to accept first - God's love and accepting that he wants to hear us - that we matter; then learning to love ourselves in that "new creation" state through his grace- that was harder - I've been awhile learning those things, an over time I have become more able to approach others in that love and caring that I've grown to accept for myself. I used to be shy, self-conscious and couldn't easily or authentically open up. Then when I trained myself to be more "outgoing" I was still uncomfortable with what to say to impress people with my likeableness : ] etc etc...- or conversely, I would sometimes ask too many questions to deflect attention from myself.
I've grown into a place over the years where I ask to have the heart of Jesus for myself and others; to have His mind in viewing my place and encounters in this life- to have His Spirit give me a nudge when needed. I feel heard, because He wants to hear me and know me; I know I am loved and now I can listen freely and patiently, share authentically and in love and trusting also that its okay to speak up - graciously, when I feel I am being shut down about something I need to have an opportunity to expresss. I am trying to engage in my life with spirit and heart first, and my conversations are more and more reflecting that peace, caring and respect for others and myself.
Posted by: DebraJ on March 10, 2008
Wow, what a kick in the pants. :) These are the times I say to God, "Thanks. I think." Haha.
Posted by: Cattie on March 10, 2008
What a really good article. I know that as a quiet person who doesn't talk a lot I ache to have a friend that really stops and genuinely asks about what is going on in my life.
Posted by: Laura on March 10, 2008