Mending My Net
Why growing in faith means walking backwards
Recently I came across a journal I kept when I was a new believer and my children were toddlers. In those days, my husband and I were on our way out of farming, and I taught at the local public school. Mitzi, a fellow teacher—younger than I, but a lifelong Christian—had given me a blank book for Christmas. Its cover was a field of watercolor wildflowers in lavenders, pinks, greens, and Mitzi had labeled its first page “Blessing Book.”
A prayer journal was a new idea for me, so perhaps I misunderstood Mitzi’s intention. Or perhaps I understood it but objected to writing in a book with a cutesy cover (there was even a butterfly) or embracing the lingo of my evangelical acquaintances, who were forever reporting on the “blessings” and “ministries” and “stumbling blocks” of their “walk” and being “convicted” about this or that. To be honest, the entire Christian world in which I found myself as a new believer embarrassed me, despite my terrifying encounter with that passage in Luke where Jesus says if we’re embarrassed to acknowledge him, then he’ll disown us before the heavenly assembly (Luke 12:9).
In any case, I didn’t use my blessing book to record blessings. Instead, I kept a detailed account of three weeks—disagreements with my husband, our money troubles as farmers, childrearing difficulties, conflicts at school, night worries. Eleven entries just like those in the diaries I sporadically kept as a teenager, but with one change: I repeatedly compared the events of my days to what I was reading in the Bible. The entries were about as far from blessings as possible. Rather, they recounted struggles, worries, discord—doggedly accompanied by strangely naïve-sounding efforts to see meaning in my grievances. Or, more exactly, to see God’s direct intervention in my everyday life.
In one entry, I recounted my boss’s micromanagement of a program I administered as evidence of my unwillingness to submit to authority and found hope in the apostle Peter’s promise that “the God of all grace” would “restore” me and make me “strong, firm, and steadfast” (1 Peter 5:10). The word restore literally meant “prepare,” I noted, the same word used for mending holes in a net. In another entry, I considered how best to confront a coworker’s misbehavior in light of Paul’s counsel to “restore”—the same word Peter used!—the person “gently” (Galatians 6:1). At the end of a long entry on one of those convoluted early-marriage fights my husband and I were having over potty-training issues, his mom’s involvement in our day-to-day routine, and whether to get out of farming entirely, I blithely concluded, “I should want to do God’s will in these issues. I still too desperately want God’s will to be the same as mine.”
Sadly, I’m no longer the confident, sweet-voiced believer who wrote those words. Reading my journal now, about ten years further along in faith, I’m galled to discover how much larger my faith was then than now. As a new believer, I saw God in even the smallest occurrence. I was intensely aware of his presence. I sought it, basked in it. I was eager for his input. Each of that journal’s 11 entries bears witness to the guileless faith of a child, who knows no better than to expect God everywhere.
Before becoming a Christian, I found the notion of a “personal relationship with Jesus”—as Mitzi called it—off-putting.
“What is that, exactly?” I pressed my Christian friends. Even now, I challenge believers who use those words to define faith, “Where is that in the Bible?”
Over the years, though, I’ve come to regard the expression, so central to evangelical thought, as a reference to one’s sense of God’s presence—“personal” in that one recognizes God as intimately involved in one’s daily life, and a “relationship” in that both God and believer invest emotion, action, and planning in maintaining it.
Ten years into faith, I’ve also come to regard such a personal relationship as more a dream than a reality. Daily I forget God’s presence. I don’t hear his promises continually spoken into my life. I no longer pray about cattle prices, grant proposals gone awry, or decisions about whether or not to give the girls Tylenol, but save my communication with the Father for larger, less immediate worries, such as my daughters’ far-off futures. I neglect the opportunities in my daily struggles to acknowledge God’s love and to love him back.
It shames me that God and I have lost our initial intimacy and rapport. I can rationalize the distance by considering that growth inevitably involves losing traits of childhood—dependence, openness, innocence, connectedness with one’s parents—and that such losses are healthy and good. Some more honest part of me senses, though, that these losses are regrettable.
Growing in faith involves walking backwards. Turning—as Scripture calls the sinner to do—and toddling back to the child-faith I once had, that unembarrassed expectation of God’s hands on my shoulders guiding me, clapping at my successes, clasping me when I fall.
So here’s my prayer, this new year, just over a decade into faith. That God will restore the unsophisticated faith of my beginnings. That he will, in the words of Peter, mend my net.
Blessings,
Posted at 10:44 AM on January 9, 2008.
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Comments
Patty,
Wow! Thank you for describing how I feel too! I feel that longing for the good old days of when I was so passionate, so zealous, so "on-fire for the Lord". I also sense the sadness for the realization that I've drifted so far from that childlike state of faith. Actually, I read your posting only because I was curious about your use of the phrase "mending your nets". Thought it was probably just another one of those articles about reconciliation or forgiveness. Or maybe another post about gender issues. Quite frankly, I am so tired of all that stuff! It wearies me to think about theology and church government issues. I just want to return to that joy of childlike faith! I want to "walk backwards" to a more simple faith! I want less of me, because my life is too complicated.
I had to laugh when you mentioned your journal because I was looking at mine today too. And the thing I noticed was that I used only one book last year, even though it was a really hard year. (I used to use multiple journals because I enjoyed so much expressing my prayers and fellowship with God through writing) It was obvious to me that I hadn't been talking or walking as intimately with CHrist as in my past.
So, let us both walk backwards towards the One who never turned away! Let us press on to know Him (by walking backwards as it may seem to some). Let us fox our eyes on Jesus, who is going to write His eternal blog on our hearts!
Thank you so much for exhorting me to shake off this "old woman" and put on the new!
Your sister in Christ,
Lu Allison
Posted by: lu Allison on January 9, 2008
Wow. Those are powerful words. I literally can't add anything but a big "Ditto." I felt like I was reading a narrative of my walk with God. It's good to know that I'm not way out there, beyond redemption, as I often feel. Thank you for getting so personal - I'm sure this will bless many women.
Posted by: Beckie on January 10, 2008
Wow! This is so very similar to the arena I find myself. I too have possibly become very "teenagish" and much too "I know this already" that I found myself desperate for that sweet connectedness with Him, My Savior, so much so that I am "backtracking" and ordered the book "Who I am in Christ" Just so I can read it in a focused format, and re disciple.
Some times I think that the American Church has it all too "formatted" for us, that we "do church" as a weekly event, not worship.
I desperately need my net mended also.
Thanks for this article.
Blessings!
k
Posted by: Kari on January 11, 2008
I can so relate! Thank you for being so open and honest.
Posted by: yvonne on January 13, 2008
To echo someone else who posted, all I, too, could think was "ditto" as I read this blog. Of course, I miss my previous level of intimacy with Him, too. In my case, it's been an extremely difficult year in which I've been forced to "grow up" in other ways. My childlike innocence is gone now--and unfortunately that has applied to my spiritual life, too. Thanks for being so honest.
Posted by: Cherri Vanover on January 14, 2008
your transparency about faith spoke to me this am...I am a "veteran" pastor's wife of 33 yrs....been through one too many church "messes" and have hungered for a stronger faith...walking backwards can also mean looking back and reminding ourselves what He has brought us through...giving us encouragement that no matter what we face today, He is there...
thanx for being so open....
Annee
Posted by: annee on January 15, 2008
Thanks for your message. It was very uplifting and encouraging. It reminded me of what is most important in our christian lives that is our relationship with the Lord. I've been a christian for several years and I find that I too can so easily drift from having that simple childlike faith that I had at the beginning.
Posted by: Mfon on January 16, 2008
'personal relationship with Jesus'
I presume that means prayer.
Posted by: Molly on January 16, 2008
I have been a Christian for 23 years. Those years have been sometimes very hard: a bad marriage that was sour from the beginning but hope that things would change, they never did. God took me through the Old Testament to show me who I was in Him and that no matter the battle, I was His lady and He wouldn't leave me. After 16 years, I left that marriage and had a difficult time filing because I knew that it was a bad thing. But I did. During that marriage, I lost a son- he and Jesus are together, I battled depresssion and would not have made it through without faith in Christ. Jesus kept me sane all those years.
I was walking home from work many days in a row and I was praying for what to do in my life and God said be specific. I was, and I have a wonderful man who loves and respects me and what I do for a living. I am a Childrens' minister.
I am not so sure I have gone backwards ever, but always looking ahead and pleasantly blessed by God everytime. I have a friendship with Christ that is incredible, we talk constantly and even through the bad stuff, we stay in contact all day long.
I don't think I have ever lost my ferver for Christ, in fact, I have been told even by my 200 kids and their parents they can see my relationship with Christ.
I am no saint, in fact, I struggle like everyone else, but more with myself and what others say than with me and Christ. I try very hard to walk a straight line, without falling off it.
Posted by: Jaye on January 19, 2008
A big gracious Thank You to you. I am unsettled by the distance that has grown between myself and God. I, too, found God everywhere, everyday and embraced his presence in my daily routine. After giving birth to my new son, I found the day slipping past without recognizing or celebrating the wonderful gifts God had given to me. It became hard to find the time to give him thanks other than the short "Thank You so very much Lord" when he graciously provided a necessary financial cover and the additional precious time needed to meet an impending deadline.
It was hard to understand how I was unable (or unwilling) to find the time to sit down and focus soley on Him and His great support in my life. After stumbling through the days and stumbling across your article, I am commited to praying that God will bring me back to my enthusiastic embrace of His ways and His wills.
Many Blessings!
Posted by: Jennifer on August 26, 2008