All Grown Up
Had I accumulated any of the wisdom that’s supposed to come with age?
I’ve recently been feeling a bit old. This feeling started when my friend Carrie asked me for relationship advice. “I’m hoping a wise woman like you will have ideas for handling my situation,” she said. The word wise made me wonder when I’d transitioned from the young, advice-seeking girl to the old, advice-giving woman. And the notion occurred to me that maybe I hadn’t suddenly become old; maybe, to paraphrase Sunset Boulevard’s aging actress Norma Desmond, it was the girls who got young.
Granted, I’ve always felt much younger than I am. I’ll turn 42 next month, but I feel like I’m in my 20s. I like to believe my taste in music and movies has remained reasonably hip over the years. I still wear my hair long and unkempt because I refuse to succumb to perfectly coiffed “mom hair.” And while I do indeed drive a minivan, I hit the gas in cool motorcycle boots that are the envy of my 20- and 30something friends.
I’ve amassed a number of those friends in recent years. The church my family attends is filled with young people, and has only a smattering of members over age 35. While this demographic has given some people my age pause when checking out my church, the age range has never really phased me, probably because I think of myself as 27, and fully expect others see me that way, too.
Of course, I don’t act 27 or wish I were 27. I just can’t seem to fit my sense of myself into my concept of a woman in her 40s. To me, that woman knows herself. She’s confident, stable, settled. She doesn’t wonder about what job she’d like to do someday—she’s doing it. She doesn’t daydream about travel to exotic islands where she can sit by the pool—she books the ticket. She doesn’t look for a role model she can ask to help shape her life—she’s the mentor. In short, she’s a grown up. And frankly I still feel too flighty, too uncertain, too immature to be a grown up.
So Carrie’s asking for my help took me aback. Sure, I have cool boots, but do I have any wisdom to impart? Turned out I did. As Carrie and I talked, I realized I have a good 15 years of life experience on her, including some dating mistakes I advised her to avoid. I found myself feeling grateful to be on my side of the post-college life stage when the future of relationships and jobs is up for grabs. I remembered the anxiety, the frustration, the hopelessness that often accompanied trying to make an adult life for myself while still feeling like a child.
The more I talked with Carrie, the more I realized that, during the 15 years since I was actually 27, something unexpected had happened: I’d turned into a grown up. Not the kind who’s figured everything out—because those people don’t actually exist—but one who’s earned the wisdom that comes only with time and experience. Even my tendencies of flightiness, my moments of uncertainty, my vast stores of immaturity have translated into lessons learned and insights gained.
I’m still not much of a Proverbs 31 woman—try though I might to be. But in that sometimes-intimidating picture of womanhood is one little piece I think I could emulate: “She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue” (Proverbs 31:25-26). A woman of strength, dignity, wisdom, and faithfulness, with a sense of humor to boot! What more could I ever hope to be?
I’m not the woman I was at 27. And I’m OK with that.
Blessings,
What wisdom have you earned up to this point in life? How can you share that wisdom with other women—whether older or younger?
Posted at 5:06 PM on January 15, 2008.
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I turned 50 this past November and I don't know how that is possibly true. I don't feel 50 and I don't think I act 50, whatever that is. I do know that I am all grown up despite my desire not to be so. Yes, it seems as though I give a lot of advice now. My daughter and her friends, who are in their late 20's, early 30's ,always seem to want to talk about something. I don't feel like I have any special knowledge, except experience. I have the experience of a 50 year old, that's about it. I can hang with the young ones, especially the teenagers in my church. When asked to be a counselor at camp, I'm there! I can keep up with, and even out last any of the kids in my care. I still remember my teenage years well and I love the energy that teenagers exude. But, alas, I'm already 50. I have a great job that I love, my own kids are adults, and I have a great deal of freedom. My husband died more than six years ago, so now I find myself single. I have a whole new identity and part of that is enjoying my life. I'm not that old, I love sporty cars, loud music, and not shopping for clothes in the Misses section of department stores. I can be irresponsible if I want to be, dishes can be left undone and I don't have to cook if I don't want to, and if I run out of clean clothes it's my fault. I'm not quite that Proverbs 31 woman.
Posted by: Loni on January 15, 2008
I'm with you! The best ride of my life has been driving forward with my age while driving back with what's hip & young.
Posted by: HEATHER on January 15, 2008
I definitely do not feel almost 43. My children still live at home...my daughter is 20 with a 2 year old daughter of her own, and my son is 16 years old TODAY (1/18). Being 42 and having a 2 year old in the house keeps me alive and on the move. I tell my children that I can work circles around them most days. I still have plenty of energy and desire to get out and accomplish things. Even though I don't feel grown up, I still have plenty of wisdom to impart...to anyone who asks, which usually isn't my children. Maybe one day I will have an empty nest and can pursue all those things that I currently don't have time for....like traveling, scrapbooking, reading (in peace). But for now, I'll just be content with who I am.
Posted by: Karen on January 18, 2008
I also am into my early 50's. Look and mostly feel like 30's but when it comes to thinking, I know I have grown up because the thought process just seems to be different. Many years of experience come spewing out like a fountain when anyone asks about a particular subject, the environment, politics, religion. I actually care and have an opinion now where before I did not care and would not even discuss it. I love my life but sometimes wish I had this knowledge but was actually 20 years younger so I could be around just a bit longer than what I may actually have left.
Posted by: Sandy on January 18, 2008
I was reeling the first time someone called me "ma'am." It sounded so old! I don't feel over 25 myself, even though I have a son in high school.
Eventually, I want to be the cool, older chick like the few I know right now.
But not quite yet. I can have some maturity without being too "mature!"
Posted by: Beth on January 18, 2008
Ok, age is catching up with me this past year since now I am starting to feel older than I used to. There was a time I'd say I still feel 21 but not anymore. Ok, maybe I feel like 30 so still young for my 42 but granted if you don't have your health it can be tough. And then it has been a stressful year with my oldest having a boyfriend and planning for college.
Things are changing around here and I suppose that is why I'm "feeling" older.
Yeah, I've got some cool boots too and drive a minivan (something I swore I'd never own) and strutting in those boots keeps me "young" and "cool".
Thanks for sharing! ;>)
Posted by: Maria on January 21, 2008
age,responsibily and character are three different things.at 26,am six months into marriage with a young pastor.i was my dad's baby gal till this age but how things change.every one in church believe you know more,u should be of the best conduct and more.your opinion is required at meetings and am nervous inside of me not for fear the fear of bringing myself to saying something under their expectetion.at a time i started feeling older than i was and realized i wasnt growing the way i should in christ,i was distracted by my thoughts,lack of confidence and misplaced,all hidden in me and i bet u wouldnt take note. it took the help of GOD to get out of this.am not leaving in pretence but am who i am at different places as what i should be.one thing i am aware of is that am known for christ every where i go because his light radiates.
Posted by: oladimeji keji on January 21, 2008
I am also over the 50 mark. Like every other time, I love some parts of it and I hate some parts of it. I love that I have learned how to control my tongue more every year. I love that I know joy and happiness will end, sorrow will come, and joy will come again-and accept that. I love how God has led me over and over again and even redeemed the worst choices, the worst times, and the worst parts of me. I hate that the end is closer than the beginning because i feel like I understand more now and can trust more now. I hate that I am sometimes tired despite all my life having so much energy. I hate it that there are some things I will never ever do and know it-while at the same time doing more than I ever expected I would. And the worst sorrow of all, losing those I love so dearly in increasing numbers but the greatest joy knowing they are really only a heart beat away. Grown-up does not occur at 21 or 30 or 40. It comes with the heart and mind has walked and moved with the Lord. Experience brings maturity IF you take the time to learn the lessons-otherwise you are just old.
Posted by: trisha on January 21, 2008
I am 39 and well on my way to the BIG 40. The hardest thing for me is watching my daughter (whose 16) look at me as I once looked at my mother. You know the..."you don't understand, you are to old" look. I never thought this time would come to me! I would be eternally young. But, I do have to say that she comes to me will lots of things and I cherish that. I once heard someone say that aging is a gift. It's better than the alternative! I am learning to embrace life, cherish time and love all those God gave me to love! After all........time's a waisting!
Posted by: Sarah on January 29, 2008
Oh really! "The wisdom that comes with age" written by someone in her early 40's! I'm very disappointed.
With that title, I'd expected the article to have been written by a woman who was AT LEAST in her 60's (like me)-- or beyond!
Posted by: Sherri on February 12, 2008
No, this is generally not a problem. Each member fills out a class/work schedule at the beginning of each semester and then the labor czar(ina) fits everyone into the master labor schedule. Note, however, that you can only be excused from doing labor at a specific time if you can prove that you have class or work at that time (wanting to sleep in or wanting to study at a particular time are not considered legitimate reasons to not be able to do labor).
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Posted by: jollymandd on July 6, 2008
What wisdom have I to offer, and what have I learned? When I was young, I knew everything, and I was just so sure that my philosophies would turn out perfect christians, perfect children, etc. I'm 55 now, and realize that there are no magic answers for anything, especially where human beings are involved! My new thing to keep me young is learning the computer and internet! When I was 20, the "old ladies" in my office would get me to change their typewriter ribbons, because" kids are good at this stuff". Now I am the old lady, and the computer was daunting. But, I'm learning!
Posted by: Mary on July 22, 2008