Almost Famous
Lessons I’ve learned behind the scenes
When I was 8, I believed I was destined to sing with the Carpenters.
When I was 11, I believed I was destined to star in a TV show with Shawn Cassidy.
When I was 20, I believed I was destined to headline on Broadway.
Now, at 42, I believe I’m destined to remain in the background. And I couldn’t be happier.
My friend Thom and I often joke about our “fame needs.” Like me, Thom has a background in theater, and we both freely admit to finding nothing quite as sweet as the sound of applause. But we also know of other, almost-as-thrilling ways to feel a little bit famous.
A few years ago, Thom and I were judges at a central Minnesota regional high school one-act play contest, an event barely noticed by anyone but the participants. Yet as Thom and I, along with the other judge, sat before these teenagers and offered critiques of their performances, we felt a rush of power and prestige from being considered experts who possessed the secret wisdom of the dramatic ages.
At the end of that afternoon of theater, Thom and I returned to our respective lives—where we feel little power or prestige, and few people care what we think. For Thom, that life involves leading prisoners through a months-long course of spiritual growth and transformation. His is a thankless job, garnering little pay and even less recognition.
For me, life involves being home with three kids who enjoy my company, but rarely admire my quality mothering. My work, too, earns little pay (OK, no pay) and even less recognition.
The work for which I do get paid isn’t all that different. I do behind-the-scenes work for books with other people’s names on the covers. The people who hire me appreciate my work. But mine isn’t a job for those with high “fame needs.” Oprah has never dedicated a complete show to someone’s editor.
However, I’ve learned to live with my lack of fame primarily because I’ve discovered a far better payoff backstage. Behind the curtains, I’ve learned I like helping people do what they didn’t think they could—whether writing a book or learning a multiplication table. I’ve learned I don’t need applause as much as I once thought, because I have an internal sense of my work’s value. I’ve learned being considered wise isn’t nearly as important as becoming wise. I’ve found relationships based not on what I’ve accomplished, but on who I am.
Most women spend at least part of their days behind the scenes. One of my friends has been essentially a single mom for months while her husband builds the acting career he’s long wanted. Another friend is pouring herself into unpaid research work to prepare for a doctoral program (read: more unpaid research work!). Still another is putting in a year of long days at an African teacher’s college to help her students find a way out of poverty. These women are all making sacrifices, but they’re doing so willingly. Because they know life isn’t about recognition or power or importance. Like me, they’ve realized they’ll learn much more outside the spotlight than in it.
Blessings,
Have you struggled with the lack of recognition accompanying a life lived helping others? How do you know if/when you’ve pushed your own God-given dreams aside? How do you find contentment “behind the scenes”?
Posted at 9:12 AM on December 19, 2007.
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Wonderful article - I realize that when I am not content, pride is at the root of the issue, that my questions of discontent are all about me. That convicts me to change my thinking to how it is all about Him, how I can serve the Lord in the little things, finding joy and delight in doing so. When I listen for the applause of heaven, the applause of this world fades into the background.
Posted by: Andrea on December 19, 2007
What a tough question. I think I was content to be behind the scenes for much of my life, but there's always been that little niggling in the back of my consciousness which begs for recognition. You're right that being a mom sure doesn't do it. And sometimes I'm not sure if I'm just admiring others for their skill (which I long to emulate), or for their fame.
I sometimes ask myself if the desire for fame is also my fleshly desire to be on level with God. To whom would I be bringing glory? I think most of the time the answer would be me. The few times I have received applause, it's gone to my head and I've wanted more. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but it's certainly my struggle. False modesty is an ugly sin, and I call it mine.
Have I pushed aside my own God given dreams? Definitely. And I think those are the ones that would bring God glory. The ones He made me for. I'm in the midst, currently, of pursuing them, of turning to God with those dreams instead of ignoring them. And the purpose, this time, is to do what He's wired me to do, not what brings me attention. In fact, I hesitate to tell people exactly what I'm doing because I know my own tendency to bask.
Thanks for making me think. Sorry if I'm not completely clear. This was a tough one.
Posted by: Flea on December 21, 2007
Thank you, Carla, for reminding me that the greatest blessings are found when helping others to shine by discovering their gifts and their potential. I, too, love the spotlight but I love seeing others grow in the Lord more. As you pointed out so beautifully, this requires more "shadow time" than "spotlight time." Lord, help me to be more content in the shadows, casting Your light upon others so You may shine through them, and so You will get all the glory!
Posted by: Debbie on December 22, 2007
Someone told me that finding God's will for our lives unfolds daily. Every day we should pray that our intentions and actions will further His will and we will eventually see the end result of his will for our lives. If God were to reveal His will for our lives all at once, we would try to "help Him along" and do it our way instead of God's way. Every day is like New Years Day with God. We get a fresh beginning each day to please him.
Posted by: Sharon on December 22, 2007
Yes I have struggled with lack of recognition. I am a homemaker and it is the hardest job that I have ever had in my life. Most people say to me that they would love to not work and be at home and do things at their leisure and I in turn look at them with envy and long for a break from home life. A part of me really wants this and even longed to be at home with the babies instead of the 9-5. Sometimes I feel that I am pushing my dreams aside, but then I also feel that I am fulfilling a greater purpose by being at home and I am learning that there is more than one way to do anything. It may take longer than I had expected, but if it is from God He shows me by bringing to my mind in quiet moments. The only way that I can find true contentment is in the Lord. Whether I am first or last in line I must remember where my heart lies. And that my happiness cannot be based upon my position, but upon the Lord who has promised to be all that I need.
Posted by: CamiJoy on December 23, 2007
After 31 years of abuse, i got a divorce. Something beautiful came from the ashes. It was the most excruciating decision of my lifetime. www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com...faith-based poems of anguish, healing, hope and comfort came pouring from my wounded soul. I have over 13,000 hits, which are poetry in themselves.
I had never heard the term spiritual (abuse) until it happened to me. My church of 31 years voted me out of membership, with my name up on a big screen, followed by the words: "Conduct Unbecoming A Child of God." I was called to a meeting of deacons (not allowed to have a woman with me), and asked "Are you still having sex with your ex?" No boundaries....... I fought the system for 18 months to try and stop the "pastor" from counseling any more women going thru a divorce, because 2 of them wanted to commit suicide (because of his counseling skills).
Unfortunately, it has been 4 years; I cannot bear to go to any church, and religious words trigger me.
I believe we are all here to make a difference; I am the moderator of an abused survivor's group, and just returned to the University; I also won a (women's) scholarship, which amazed me.
Elie Wiesel (survivor of Auschwitz) has written to me about my life and poetry; I am so humbled and honored.
My story was published (amazingly) with the Ph.D.'s: www.psychiatricjournal.com, entitled: The Transcendent Child on Overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse
I've written mny memoir: Ghost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice, to someone who speaks up against injustice in the world).
I've been working like a Trojan for over 10 years to get the message out there regarding verbal (emotional) abuse; it is a horror in our culture,and the statistics are staggering.
It took me 25 years to find the book which explained what was happening to me and saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans; I believe it is the most important book next to the Bible, and should be required reading for everyone on the planet.
I was born standing up and talking back, and cannot bear injustice; i will keep working until I can get the message out there regarding emotional abuse; it impacts every segment of our society; 1 in 3 women are being abused; emotional abuse is hidden and not understood; millions of women suffering in silence.....Okay, off my soapbox now.....Smiles
I pray every day God brings me a man who will love and cherish me. Living alone is excruciating.
Love, Smiles, Alice
(Overcomer and wounded-healer)
Feel free to e-mail me........ :)
Posted by: Allison on January 3, 2008
I was a 911 dispatcher for 8 out of the last 11 years. I LOVED what I did, and am only out of it because burnout occurs usually at 5 years, so I felt like I'd done good at 8. One day I made a mistake; while under the influence of some contra-indicated drugs (not known until long after the fact) I unknowingly forged a doctors' note - I felt like I needed one more day's rest....needless to say, I was caught. My job was a great satisfaction to me - I helped someone every day, whether it was giving road directions, delivering a baby by phone, giving CPR instructions, consoling a grieving grandparent, or giving comfort and support to children while their parents fought waiting on police to arrive. No one ever called to say they were having a good day, that's for sure.
But everything happens in God's time, and the same is so true for me. With the assistance of an alert pharmacist, I discovered the problems with the drugs, which in turn helped my husband and I start to put the pieces together during such a confusing time. I truly did not think I had forged the note, and felt so wronged! It has been a long year to recover from the emotional and financial upheaval, but I used this time to go back to school and finish my degree. With God's help and blessings, I will attain my law degree, and go on to help families in need of legal services, to include the aging population!
Posted by: Wanda on January 10, 2008
I remember my senior year in college. I felt like a pretty big BWOC (big woman on campus). I had been the editor of the college paper. I was in my second year as a resident assistant. I was dating a member of the varsity basketball team, and I gave tours to campus visitors. One day as I was walking along, a perky little freshman stopped me, and said, "Are you a visitor to our campus? Can I help you find where you're going?" I try my best not to think more of myself than I ought.
Posted by: kathy on January 22, 2008