This is my mother! I learned my bad behaviors from her. It took me a while and quite a few instances (including two jobs where I got myself fired because I couldn't disagree with anyone) where people walked all over me that I finally woke up to the truth! In my early twenties I was so envious of people who could say no! At first I remember thinking it was rude of them but then I caught on to the fact that they were a lot less stressed out about pleasing others and more true to their own feelings. I still love to help other people but I no longer have to agree with everyone or let them walk all over me. I just wish my poor mother could figure that out! She would be a much happier person.

I am also a recovering "nice" person. I always though if someone didn't like me, I must be the one who was at fault. Now I realize it's o.k. if someone doesn't like me. Doesn't change my relationship with Christ at all; and that is the relationship that truly matters.

I struggle daily to accept the fact that not everyone is going to like me and that not everyone has to. I'll be okay.

As Jesus works to mold me into who He would have me to be, I pray that He heal me of this 'disease to please' everyone but Him.

Thank you so much for sharing this.

I must say that I was in this position until my early 20s. I grew up in church all my life and was taught that was just a part of "being a christian". I misinterpreted the phase "turn the other cheek" and would never stand up for myself. After a few situations where people had walked over me or used me, I find that in my alone time I was so bitter and resentful. Then it finally dawned on me that I was gonna be kind but I am not gonna allow people to walk all over me and "use me". I told myself that it was ok to say no and I find that I am not so bitter and holding as much resentment. After all, I think that's being more christian LOL!! (if there's such a thing).

I can't say I am a recovering nice person but I am becoming more aware of the ways in which allow others to run over me. A friend once told me that . . . you teach others how to treat you. That is so true. And I'm working on it. I've been a professional counselor all my adult life and most recently a middle school counselor. I love this challenging group of young people. Their struggles to be true to themselves has helped me look inward and be truer to myself. It is a daily struggle.

One of the things that has helped me with "nice-ness" is the realization that there are some people in my life who I don't want to like me. If someone is manipulative, ungracious, and/or listens poorly [i.e. someone I generally do not admire for how they live their life], then wouldn't their dislike of me be a better indicator that I was living my life how I believe God wants me to, than if they actually liked me (and considered me nice)?

Thanks for this nice piece.
I must say I'm also a recovering nicey nicey person. I thought I needed everyone to like me in order to be happy with myself but now I've realised I can't please the world and it's about time I start thinking about my own happiness.
It's good to be free!
Truth is, I feel a bit awkward sometimes when I think someone does not like me because of what I've done or said but I tell myself that if they can't accept me for who I am then they don't really care about me.
Thinking back now, it was when I became a serious Christian that I thought I needed to be nice and make everyone like me. Is that something we picked up in the church? How can we stop other people from falling into this same trap? ;-)

I was a "nice guy" until I found the book called No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. My life changed exponentially upwards after reading it. So many men need to read that book, but don't.

Oh, my word, can I identify with this article! A thousand people can adore me, but let me find out one or two dislike me, and I will jump through hoops, bend over backwards, and drive myself nuts trying to win the approval of the few.

I see this tendency in my 17 year old daughter, and it breaks my heart. We have lots of discussions about this, and I hope and pray I'm getting through to her so she doesn't live captive to the approval of others, but learns to live for an audience of One!

I think the best comment is "You teach others how to treat you!" is right on! I'm a Nursery Director at a mid-sized church where my father is the pastor. People believed (most likely because I encouraged them to!) that I needed their approval and that of my father so they could get me to set up childcare for them whenever they needed me to do so...Sunday School Christmas parties or when they needed to practice their solo for church (yes, one person needing childcare expecting me to provide it). It continued until one night one lady called to say she was organizing a "Christmas Shopping Nite" for her and some of her friends from church and I needed to have at the church nursery staffed that Friday night so they could go without kids! I blew my top! Things are so much better now that I am teaching others how to treat me.

I, too, want everyone to like me...to some degree. Even with my children I find it hard to say "no" to their constant request for my time. For years, I would think how nice it would be when the kids were grown up enough to not want to go to eat with my husband and I everytime we went out. I thought I HAD to take them. They are currently 15 and 20 and still want to go everytime we do. I am learning to say "no" sometimes. I think it is a healthy balance for them to stay behind and fend for themselves on occasion so that we can have adult time and "couple" time.

Oh, my goodness! You've just described me to a tee. I'm embarrassed to say it, but I never, ever thought of my niceness as being a way to manipulate people. I'm always chalking it up to being a good team player or a good sport. However, the nicer I am, the more I'm taken advantage of and manipulated in return. People come to me because I'm the "go to girl", the one who will come through in a pinch even if it means I let my family down by not taking and ultimately losing vacation days, missing out on trips to the zoo, or just missing out on much needed sleep. I struggle with my conflicted feelings of putting others first and being self-sacrificing. I keep telling myself that giving of myself should be reward in itself. But then I often wind up feeling put upon, disappointed that no one "notices", or resentful. These are sinful thoughts in and of themselves. So, in essence, my attempt at being "good" and "nice" is causing me to sin. I'm reminded of a song from the Broadway musical, Into the Woods. In it, Little Red Riding Hood sings, in reference to the Big Bad Wolf, "Nice is different than good". I'm also reminded of Cinderella's lament that shes, "been good and kind" and wonders why she's always left behind. Thank you for your article that reminds me that by not being true to my own feelings and honest about them with others, I'm doing not only myself but others a huge disservice. While I can't promise to change tomorrow, I'm working on it. Soon I hope to be able to say that I have successfully recovered from the "disease to please".

These are all great posts! I grew up a PK (talk about "nice person" central) and thought I needed to act a certain way so that I could fit the mold of a perfect "nice" pastor's daughter. That was SO tiring, and oh so silly. Instead of being true to my own feelings and personality, I lost who I was. Thanks to a boyfriend I had my senior year in high school who broke up with me because I was boring (I agreed with everything he said), I have continually worked on being me, a kind me, who can actually say "no" and have opinions of my own. It's a daily choice, and it's definitely worth it.

The best advice that I recieved when I turned 4o was that "No is a complete sentence." Not only was I nice, but I felt guilty telling anyone no without a long, drawn out explaination. No longer! I love you regardless of your feelings toward me. I am a Mother, a Wife (of a Pastor), a Worker, and a volunteer...so yes, I am busy. I no longer feel compelled to say yes everytime I'm asked or as if I need to do something because 'someone has to'. What a liberating effect this has had on my life and I so thank God for the person who provided that bit of advice to me.

This really hits the nail on the head...except that we nice people would never hit. :)

It is indeed a daily balancing act to *be* kind and loving, but *not be* a human speedbump. And I think the pressure is especially on Christians who are being watched by outsiders.

In dealing with my own recovery from niceness, I always try to remember how one of my bosses (who's also a church lay leader) once reacted after he expressed a strong negative opinion about an issue. Someone else wagged an accusing finger at him and asked in a sing-songy voice, "What would Jesus do?" My boss' response was, "He called the scribes and Pharisees 'hypocrites' and cleared the temple with a whip!"

I had this problem and still struggle with it at times. A counselor once told me that saying "No" to someone else can be a healthy way of saying "Yes" to yourself. I try to remember this when faced with a decision.

I was one of those nice people never a "no" till I had what the Doctor called
a nervous exhustiion brake down.
Took a bit of time and alot of help from GOD to get me on the I can say NO.
even after several years , I have times
where I have to stop, and take a breath
and remember. That I can say no to
people, jobs and what ever else.
and people like others to be honest.
And we can be also, But first to ourselves
then to God , cause God can only help if
we are honest. with Him..
We need His help, and we do not need to feel guilty that we said "NO" really I have learned that, one has peace with in..
So, do not beat yourself up. Just say no and go on..
God Bless..

I receive this Women's email all the time. Usually in my busy schedule I just click "delete" and move on to something fun and amusing to make me smile because HELLO this is a rough world in rough times:-)

Today I actually skimmed the surface and then I came to this blog, opened it and read it. I am so, so SO grateful to have done so. I'm grateful to Nancy for sharing her heart and I'm even MORE grateful that our Lord just doesn't throw His hands up and say "WHATEVER."

As I was reading this I totally saw ME...and I just edited out a bunch of personal info because the bottom line is OH WOW...what an awakening...I hope to continue growing from this one!

How did I solve the problem? I got older. Somehow with the passage of time, I realized that I didn't need anyone's approval. I still try to be nice, to be helpful and kind, but I have learned to say "no" to myself and to others. Oh, every once in a while, a little spark of resistance flares up, but I am learning to put it firmly in its place by remembering that the only one who counts is the Lord — if He's happy with me, that is enough.

Another wonderful thing which has helped, is having a Job Description. I used to have a hard time saying "no" to all the people who wanted me to do this, that, and the other, for them. Most of those activities were great, but I found myself getting more and more frustrated because I couldn't get on with what God had called, and gifted, me to do. Now I have a Job Description, approved by my bosses, so I can say "no" now, even to them, if what they ask doesn't get me where I am supposed to be going. Ad, I can even say that "no" nicely.

Hi!
Thank you for showing that what I thought was "good" was in fact very "bad" for me. I finally learned in my late 30's after being a single mother of 3 boys that sometimes you just have to say no. And guess what?? People actually respect you for standing true and they will get over the NO.

I am 46 yrs old and still want to be nice. I don't know how to say no, ecspecially to my mother. I invite her over to say hi to a old friend of mine who I grew up with and then she never leaves so we can visit alone and I am giving my old friend quilting classes at my house. my mom stays for 3 hours and never shuts her mouth! She is very hyper and annoying. she thinks I should be nice and put up with her. I don't know how to tell her it is time to go home. she is 67 and bored, she won't go to church which I think would be good and she isn't a believer, and she just has to have constant action...... any ideas about what I should do? I asked her to not stay so long years ago and she got very offended, and was mad at me for yrs. All I can think of is to never invite her over except for holidays. I do feel sorry for her because she is so bored and needs alot of attention and my dad just wants her to be quiet. i think if she got saved and went to church with me then she would be able to get involved in many activities also and this would take up her time. so annoying!! I feel guilty for feeling this way but if you give a inch she takes a mile. she goes to visit other people and does the same thing. Whats a daughter to do about this?

Oh Monica, I feel so bad that you have such guilt over your Mother.
But I feel you really need to take control of the situation. I have a person like that in my life and I usually set the boundaries and follow through on her with no ifs, ands, or buts.........
I keep reassuring her that I love her but this is MY time with MY friends.
If she is upset I will email her ( less arguments with emails) and tell her again how much I love her, and explain once again that I too need my space.
Be sure to set up occasional special dates to have lunch with her, or go shopping with your Mom as she obviously needs your attention.
But also very sure to stick to your guns without guilt till she gets the picture...and she will eventually get it!
Take loving control, Moncia, ie speak the truth in love as the scriptures say.
God Bless you for being a loving daughter

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Thanks for yours sharing! I am being abused by some friends as they know I am willing to help in case of their needs. I now learn to say NO!

This is me. I dont know how to say No, always want to please others and at the end of the day when i need their help, everyone is busy. Sometimes i get trapped in the middle of two people who hate each other - trying to be the nicer, too bad. Sacrifice my family time to help someone. Denying my kids something over helping and making some one's kid happy. Am awful. This writing, opened a twi-light of learning to say NO! as NO!. Thank you.

i have struggled with being accepted by all for so long; i always wanted to be loved by everyone. I did things i ordinarily would want to take my time before doing. i envied people who were bold; people who would make others know what the felt at any given time. while carrying this burden under the guise of Christianity, one day i asked God to give me peace cos i knew i didn't have peace in my life. Then he taught me the lesson of my life and gave me a bold spirit: he made me a daughter of wisdom and today i can wisely handle every situation in my life. I get angry when am supposed to, and stay calm when the need arises to.

I also am a people pleaser.. I have been this way, all my life. I think I have to be helping others , to reach some sort of acceptance . Many times i leave no time for ME. I am 51 yrs old. Is there and hope for me left?

An excellent book on this topic is "From Bondage to Bonding" by Nancy Groom, published by NavPress.

It's human to want to be liked but taken to the extreme, it's a prison of our own making. As evidenced in these posts (and in my own experience), some of us tend to think being a "good Christian" means being nice and never disagreeing, arguing or saying "no." Nancy Groom's writing is an eye opener in this regard.

Thanks so much for this topic, have read through and recognise myself in it although at 49 and being a "Christian" for more than 30 yrs, having done it all my life am beginning to get a real miserable old so and so full of self pity, and I honestly don't know who I really am and what my true opinions are, even worse I have got to a stage in my marriage that has brought me to search for help and find this website (Thanks be to God). Having now recognised the huge fault I will ask God's help in being what HE wants me to be and not what I feel others want me to be, I will ask him to re-order my thinking and would ask for your prayers. thank you so much for this site, I am going to bookmark it and subscribe to the newletter - there just doesn't seem to be many real Christian communities here in the UK where real teaching is found.

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