Perhaps we do need to speak up to share a deeper perception of what it means to know Jesus. I talk with 20somethings all the time who have intelligent questions. Some make me pause. Others make me dig deeper into my faith and into scripture. But all of it leads to pretty cool dialogue with those asking questions. This is a good post.

i'm not surprised by how many of the people interviewed were put off by the church's lack of focus on thought and intellectualism. though i am now a professional artist, i have always been an academic (can't wait to retire so i can go back to university!), and, as a churchgoing twentysomething, am often frustrated by how many churches i encounter that either don't encourage or subtly discourage critical thought, etc. i am reading a fabulous book right now that explores how to obey the command to love the Lord our God with all our minds. "Habits of the Mind: intellectual life as a Christian calling" by James W. Sire. check it out!

Wow-wonderful, thought-provoking article. As a former atheist, I can definitely tap into the thoughts and feelings of hypocrisy within the church. The end of your article portrayed a powerful truth - we must approach God and others in love and humility. Increasingly, God is showing me how much pride is at the root of all sin and strife. As I examine myself, I am overcome with how much pride is in my on many levels and I definitely see this within the Christian body. Promoting honest, meaningful conversation begins with examining ourselves before God, getting humble before Him and then reaching out to one another in love. God will take it from there!

There is a lot of truth to what people are saying here. I also think that there is a huge agenda in the church that does not include single people. I have addressed this with the pastor at the church where I attend. Singles are the forgotten few in a congregation of mostly families. Sometimes I feel like I am on the absolute fringe of Christianity because I don't have a husband sitting in the seat next to me. And because it feels so isolating, many times, I opt out of church.

I would love for my daughter to read this article. As a child she had the greatest relationship with God, but after seeing people she loved falter in their relationships and then watching hypocracy in the church, especially among her age group she slowly decided that being connected to a God who would allow all of this was not for her. I keep praying that she will find a day or place that will help her return.

Over the past 15 years, my husband and I have been members of 2 Southern Baptist Churches. At both churches, there was so much back-biting and slandering the pastors that it split both churches. We were really bothered by this behavior and regretfully, we left the church and have not attended for about 3 years. I had never seen Christians behave this way. I am now retired and was looking forward to serving Christ by working with the needy through the church's programs, but have not due to my conflicting feelings. I have thought of visiting another denomination, but my husband says that this type of problem is in most churches. Is this true?

I once believed the same as some of the responders. I looked at the church and Christians as an example of God/Christianity, and it left me disappointed. That's because people let other people down -- that's part of human nature. I let those letdowns keep me away from God. That church or vocal Christian group feels a certain way. I don't agree with it. I label the entire Christian community as intolerant or hypocrites. So, Christianity is not for me or is wrong. But Christians, like any other group, are so diverse. Like Holly, I met a person who provided what I thought was an example of a true Christian--compassionate, non-judgemental, loving. I decided to give church/God/Christianity a second chance, and eventually became a Christian. But, what I found out that is that this person--whom I'm now married to--is not the quote/unquote perfect Christian. He's human, with flaws and issues--but he's trying to live as much as he can by the teachings of Jesus. He doesn't always succeed. I don't always succeed. I hope that those who have encountered problems with the church or Christians will one day give it/us another chance. What I find beautiful about God is he wants to be in a relationship with us; he wants us to enjoy all the blessings of life in him (and that doesn't mean that life is always going to be great and easy). And, he is patient, willing to wait out our doubts.

I grew up in the church and went to a Christian school where my mother was a teacher. I always watched people very closely to see if their actions matched their words - a little suspicious, I know, but that's my personality. Well, my world fell apart when my father left my mother for another man when I was 14 years old. The betrayal I felt extended to the church, and I walked away a few years later. My story is too long to tell here, but God's grace has carried me through. I'll turn 29 this winter, and God shows me how deeply He loves me every day. As you look around at people who hate God, ask yourself to look a bit deeper at the root of their pain. Love them and respect them; you might be a tool in winning their soul for Christ.

Wow, that kind of criticism is really hard to hear but when people truly share what they feel and have experienced, I need to listen. I cringe when I hear criticism from the pulpit-criticism of other Chrisitans, pastors, styles, music, politics. I am also appalled at how many times little lines slip in about homosexulity, abortion, etc and I wonder what the person in the pew who just walked in thinks about those things.

I'm struggling right now with my Christianity/church. I've been a member of the same congregation for 30 years. I stopped attending a while back and never heard from anyone at church. I know that church is a place for flawed people, but I am really struggling with a negative mindset about returning to church. It's hard to worship when I feel that no one around me cares whether I'm there or not. I realize this is a selfish attitude, I should be the one to show I care that someone else is there, but honestly, I just feel unconnected, ignored and hurt. It's especially difficult because I'm a 'married single' my husband does not attend church at all which makes it all the easier for me to stay away. Like the Jennifer, I feel alone in my congregation. I don't fit in the marrieds, or the widows or the single group.

I have seen that the church is great for married people, but if you are single you are merely "tolerated" in most chuches. They don't know how to deal with you. That is why many singles drop out of church.

Also, some people in the church don't act "real". It seems like they live in this la-la land where everything is beautiful and nobody has any problems, when the reality could not be futher from the truth. The church needs to get real!

Holly says: Wow, I'm thrilled to read the thoughtful comments here!

Beverly, I do believe there are problems in every church for a couple reasons. First, the ideal church should be a place where the broken go for healing and comfort. So church is set up to be a place where people bring their problems.

Second, even when life is treating us well, we still carry the problem of sin. Try as we might to be Christlike, we Christians still have the choice to sin. We can choose to be jealous, prideful, arrogant, bitter, selfish and intolerant at any time we like. Unfortunately, we all make that bad choice sometimes. We expect church to be a safe place where we can be loved exactly as we are ... yet sometimes, we don't treat others how we'd like to be treated.

Third, we tend to develop close relationships in church, so inevitably, we'll be let down or we'll let someone else down. And that's true of all relationships--even with our closest family and friends, there are days when we just don't like them.

I've had two distinct church experiences: "plugged in" and "disconnected." I attended one church for more than two years, and managed to never connect with one person! It didn't seem like a friendly church, and when I made attempts to meet others, I always felt disappointed. I never developed enough trust to be in community there.

At my current church, I made a decision to plug in and stay connected, no matter what. The environment of friendliness and transparency (modeled by the pastor) initially made it easier to be friendly and transparent myself. But I soon found that, even in a great church, people are people. Many people at my church have disappointed me at some point, and I know I've let many down myself. Sometimes I get so mad, I'm tempted to leave--the idea of anonymity at a new church becomes mighty attractive. Somehow, I've stuck with my decision to stay plugged in.

To complete my lil' analogy: I now know how it feels to be disconnected. It's like I'm dead: I can't grow, I can't move, and I'm just stuck in the same place. Conversely, when I'm plugged in, I'm connected to an energizing source. Sometimes my output exceeds what's being put into me. Sometimes I blow a fuse. But if I stay put, I trust God's going to fix it--he's the one at the fuse box. He always flicks the switch before I pull my plug, and I figure he's probably using problems and conflict to built perseverance into me.

When I get angry at someone, I pray as honestly as I'm able, "God, I really hate this person. I can't stand being around them, and I hate going to church because they're there. But I figure you've got them at this church and in my life for a reason. Please help me see them in a new way, and give me some way to love them. Help me to see the faults and sin in myself that are preventing me from loving them like you do." It's probably the most difficult prayer for me to pray, but I've seen God do mindblowing stuff when I pray it. I've had people approach me IMMEDIATELY after I prayed and say, "I have this character flaw, and I think I might have hurt you because of it. Would you pray with me about it?"

Honestly, even if there was a perfect, perpetually happy church, I wouldn't want to go there. I'm neither perfect or perpetually happy, so I wouldn't fit in very well! The hardest part about being in community is acknowledging that we're equal--our own flaws are just as bad as everyone else's, and we all hold the same sinfulness.

Beverly, I'm praying for you right this minute. I'm asking God to give you the opportunity to plug in that you so deeply desire.

We aren't supposed to park our brains outside when we come into the church. The Lord said to love Him with our total being and that includes the mind and asking questions and seeking answers. And I would even dare to say that different folks find different answers to some of life's questions. In my view there are three axioms of the Christian faith: God is sovreign, Jesus is Lord and the Bible is true. Aside from that all the other stuff is secondary.

I'm always sadden by the lack of commitment to Jesus Christ. God is perfect not man. There will always be problems in the church.if you don't believe me read the letter to the church written by paul the apostle. I Corinthians. The ouline goes something like "Division in the Church. Moral and ethical disorder."Many things we still face today, but Jesus is still the answer for all man kind.

I applauded when I read what "female, 40" said:
“The American Christian church seems focused on a few issues—such as abortion and homosexuality/same-sex marriage—that, while important, shouldn’t be all-consuming. The church and its people should focus more on poverty and compassion... The early church led people to Christ by caring for them, both materially and spiritually. We need to follow their example today.”

If we ever expect to reach out to the gay community and others in our society that the evangelical church generally wrongly treats as "untouchables" and “America’s greatest threat”, we must first realize that their particular sin is no different or abominable in God's eyes than the sins our churches essentially condone in their own midst- gossip, slander, backbiting, etc. ALL have sinned and ALL of us are in need of His grace DAILY.

Jesus did not rant and rave against the immoral people of His day. He was regularly among them and ate with them; some were actually His friends. He did not condone their behavior but loved them and freely offered His forgiveness and reconciliation with God. He saved His wrath and harsh words not for these "sinners" , but rather for the religious self-righteous that vaunted themselves above the riff-raff of their society, proclaiming their own righteousness in comparison (c.f. Luke 18:9-14).

We cannot expect to reach out to people with one hand while we club them over the head with the other. World AIDS Day is this weekend and I am thankful that my church choir has been invited by the (gay) organizers in our city to come and sing at this event. We also helped to organize an AIDS walk last month to raise money for those who are infected with HIV in our county. If we want the gospel to be heard by the GLBT community, we must first break down the barriers that separate us from them, show that we care about them as individuals and then they will listen to us.

Jennifer Burnett, MD

I am very concerned with the loveless church. How is it possible that some churches can be so mean. My experience has been with some churches can be extremely, judgemental and snobbish towards members who may come in off of the streets. In certain communities, church has become a social event and less about reaching the lost. I thought Jesus came for the sinners and sinful, how can we be Jesus hands and feet when some people choose to judge those trying to make their way to Jesus. It is truly heartbreaking when we focus on the men and not the message of Christ. No wonder people walk away from the church when we act like we don't care about others.

The church. I rally don't like that term. God wants a relationship with me and you. One on one. And that I believe is what we need from each other. Having a large organization will always create problems. It did in the apostle Peter's day. If it is to be, it is up to me. I am either part of the problem or part of the solution. Nothing will change unless I make a move. Risk. Every relationship involves risk. The 20-somethings, 30-somethings, etc., will have to get out of their comfort zone and go after what they want. Stop expecting "the church" to do something. You are the church, I am the church. If you can't do it where you are, then go someplace else. And keep moving and keep praying until the Lord lets you know that you are where He wants you to be. Giving up is not acceptable. We cannot be whole if we are by ourselves.

I have met some wonderful Xtians and Mormons at my new job. It sounds harsh, but I judge a church more by the quality of its people than by its doctrine. I am going to investiage both churches and see, because of the way the people I've met come through for other people every day. I think that's the way to build goodwill for any church!

I'd be wiling to put up with all the gossip, cliques and such that I remember in the church I grew up in, if my fellow church members did something for the people around them. I really admire helping out in the community and I feel that it is one of the best things we can do to build respect in our larger communities. Barbara.

To Beverly who said she and her husband had been disheartened by the "back-biting and slandering the pastor" in 2 Southern Baptist churches. I totally identify--my husband was a minister of music in 2 Southern Baptist churches, in which a handful of folks made his life (and mine) miserable by their gossip and hurtful actions. We are now serving in a United Methodist church. We know from talking with people over the years that this sort of thing happens in every denomination. But there are also deeply committed Christians in these churches.
We are just trying to follow Christ's calling on our lives and believing that God will, as He promised, work everything out for good.

I think today.. we shouldnt be so worried about being "Christians" but understand who we are in Christ. Sons and daughters of a great king. Although I know that alot of people feel that they are left out, dont feel connected, and just plain feel that others in the church are just hypocrites. I think this attitude should be for the "babies in Christ". When we get to a mature level this will have a positive effect in a way where our prayer will make things change our actions will cause the church either to change or maybe move to a church where everyone is fed, where the love of Christ is overflowing. It is sad to hear that alot of souls are being lost because the church is filled with a bunch of hypocrites. But when Jesus opens up the books that will not be an excuse that we will be able to give Him. See sometimes that is the first thing we do is "leave" God. When he is not at fault for people that truly dont have the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the one that will guide us to all truth. He will make us become more like the Father.

I wrote a bit ago about wanting to try a Mormon and try a new Xtian church, due to people I work with. I know some friends at work are Xtian because they complain about Halloween and Xmas--but they have never invited me to their church, and I am new in town.

Frankly, I'm a bit bowled over by how friendly my Mormon friends have been at my new work--helping me get settled in, offering advice, being frendly to me and to everyone else every day, offering to take me to their Sunday services. I am going to take my Mormon friends' offer up; just to see.

Growing up, we were a church going family. My parents were on committees, in the choir, etc. My father went through treatment for alcoholism, leaving his wife and two daughters alone for a month and not one person from the church called or stopped in to see how we were. Shortly after that, my family went through another life changing event and again, not one person from the church was there - and these were people my parents called friends. It made me question my own faith and I did not attend church for 25 years. Recently I felt pulled back to seach for my faith and what I believe. I attended a church for a short time, but did not feel it was the right place for me. I then started going to the church I now attend and the first sermon I heard was about how christianity is not just about where you sit on Sunday morning - it's about how you live the rest of the week. That was just what I needed to hear that day, it was so where I was! There are many different churches and denominations and even varieties on the non-denominational - there truly is something for everyone. When I go to church on Sunday morning, I do so in the spirit of learning something and helping to pray for others - I am not there to show people what a good christian I am by coming to church. I am there because it gives me the boost to get me through the next week. I believe that in every church there are those that don't have that same idea of Sunday morning, but all we can do this for is ourselves. If you are worried what others are thinking about you, your spirit is not in the sermon/praising/worshipping.

I could just cry. I am a young pastor's wife, in my 20's, and we've been concerned about this is our church for a long time. I love the young people who pass through our church, but they don't stay. It breaks my heart, I don't know what to do about it. I don't act better than anyone else, for year they had a pastor's wife who did, so I'm told. They were "unapproachable" but I tell our people that my life is an open book. It's just hard, I want to see others come to our church, that's why I'm here.

Its got to start with "me" if I am not reconciled within my own body, then I will find it impossible to truly be reconciled within the larger body of christ.

I completely agree w/ Jennifer and Margaret about singles not being well-integrated into the church.

I'm a single 30-something, and I left my church about 2 years ago; I had been a very active member and leader for 12 years. Marriage was characterized as a blessing bestowed only upon the most worthy. With it apparently came the wisdom of the ages that qualified its recipients to lead and counsel everybody else regardless of their own spiritual maturity.

In addition, there didn't seem to be any empathy to the plight of singles (mostly women) who desired to be married and yet didn't see suitable Christian men. Instead, we were lectured on needing to dress more modestly to keep the married men from lusting and needing to make Jesus our "husband." (What?!)

Many singles would come to me expressing dismay about these issues because they didn't feel comfortable speaking directly to the church leadership (all married couples). I prayerfully and persistently brought these issues to their attention (along w/ the sincere offer to labor towards a solution) and was politely dismissed. Numerous singles left my church just before I did and have continued to since.

I did not grow up in a church and longed to go to one when I was a child. So when I see young p eople who have grownup in the church leave I think that they really do not understand the difference between light and dark and want to explore it. I grew up in the dark about God and Christ and when I heard the good news I knew it was what I had been looking and longing for my whole life.

I believe these young people will come back when they realize that they themselves have a need of Christ and will know it is not something they have followed because of their parents.

I also think some of the reasons young people leave are really an excuse to explore faith and doubt. How can you really have faith unless you face your doubt. They will come back and it will be real faith then.

The problem with the church is that it is made up of....people--sinners.
Yes, people are hypocrites. But this cannot hold you back from Christ.
It is up to you. You cannot blame all those other people on judgment day.
"For ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" -Romans 3:23

My feelings on Christanity are like this, God is not a judgemental person, yes he punishes us to show his love for us and how he wants us to be Christlike. The goal of Christanity for myself as a young 21 year old black female is to recognize that all have sinned and come short of his glory, but I can change and become the person in which God and many of my supportive church members would want me to become. Though I am single I do find it hard many times, to even find a young man my age that is a Christian and loves God, but i also know that he will come someday, in God's time. People shouldn't focus on the getting married and having families all the time, it will come. Your main focus should be on how you want to grow and become closer with God. The body of the church is supposed to teach holiness along with how to treat fellow Christians and fellow non-Christians. If you attended a church that was judgemental, then i am so sorry you had that experience. As a Christian, I don't agree with homosexuality or pre-marital sex, but I won't hurt or judge those people because he/she has done or become a homosexual. My goal as a Christian is to love everyone regardless of color, gender, sexuality, and nationality. Christianity is a life serving God and Jesus Christ, it is a way of living a way of becoming a person who can trust, love, honor and have faith with those around and the higher power above.
God BLess

Excellent article Holly! I believe young people leave the church because they don't find God there- purely and simply. So many churches are not places of light and love; Jesus would have hung out there to help the people not to try to be like them! Young people need an example of selfless love first and less of the irrational dogma and intolerance which have dogged religions. As we mature spiritually we can see all sides and why people are as they are and reach out to them anyway but many young people are afraid of or disgusted by the harsh or judgemental behaviour of their elders. God is not a person but Jesus was: he can bridge that gap, indeed we all can if we pray and act in love. Many of Jesus' teachings have been lost, to church doctrines, rituals and idolatry, and to cultures of plenty and materialism and expedience. A living faith needs space to grow as people grow, all the time I hear people trying to control others and impose their own faith, and saying this was Jesus' will. It indeed was not! His will was the love of God and the love of humanity. The only true advice we can give to others about God is to be a good example of love ourselves and encourage people to open their hearts and pray. No one who prays will not find their life changed! What did Jesus say: unless you turn around and become as infants you cannot enter into the kingdom of the heavens ( Matthew 18 ) What did he mean? Since he saw God as his father maybe that we are to be moulded and raised by God- to live in God in all things. How can we teach young people to do that if we're not doing it ourselves?

Holly says: The problem that most concerns me about today's American church is our lack of community. We don't support each other. We don't have authentic, transparent relationships with one another. We don't ask each other for help.

I think this stems from American individualism. Individualism is a good thing, of course, but it can quickly move into the mentality of self-sufficiency--and the expectation everyone should be completely self-reliant.

I heard this heartbreaking story recently: Some years ago, a friend who is a professional chef had been feeding a homeless man who was mentally ill. The man started following her everywhere, and she continued to feed him and extend friendship to him. A leader from her church found out about this and told her she needed to stop doing this immediately, or she'd never get rid of the homeless man. She was shocked: Here she was using her talents in the way the Holy Spirit had moved her, and a church leader was telling her to stop. She found this sentiment of "the Lord helps those who help themselves" was shared by many of her church leaders. She ended up leaving that church.

I hear this echoed in the comments about singles in the church posted here. I sense a lack of empathy for the loneliness and isolation singles can experience. The solutions offered by the church often are the over-simplified "let Jesus be your comfort" or pesky match-making where there's little concern for compatibility ("You should meet my co-worker's brother's roommate--I think he might be a Christian!")

I continuously hear Christian women talk about loneliness and pain, and express sadness there's no one to share their feelings with. First problem is, there are those who'd condemn them for not reaching out--because "they don't make the effort, it's their own fault." Second problem is, there are those who'd condemn them for not completely depending on God--since they need human comfort, "they surely must not trust God" (those who would condemn are quick to label others as "spiritually immature"). It is a vicious circle, and since we know it's there, we keep quiet about our hurts and loneliness rather than get judged for having them.

To be extremely blunt:
It is a cop-out when we blame people for their hurt and doubts. It is a cop-out to analyze their feelings and say, "They're just young and rebellious; they'll grow up," or "It's a decision they have to make for themselves," or "God will reveal himself to them."

When we make excuses for our own inaction, this is sin--often selfishness and arrogance. Who are any of us to judge whether someone else needs our help? When we are told to love one another, this doesn't mean "love only the emotionally healthy who are self-reliant" or "love only Christians who are just like yourself."

As the body of Christ, we are responsible for the other members of the body. And we will be called into account for our inaction. Sherri says, "You cannot blame all those other people on judgment day." It's true that each person must make a choice about following Christ. I do believe I'm going to be harshly judged by God on Judgment Day--and I expect every believer will be, too. I believe God will show me many people's lives, and how I added to the trail of hurts and rejection that made those people turn away from him. It makes me sick to my stomach because I know there are people I need to call right now. And I haven't done so because the conversations will be painful and the relationships difficult.

Getting to know people is hard. I find it almost impossible to let anyone see me vulnerable and real. But it is possible, and it is required of us. God most often reveals himself through human conversations and interactions. God help us to never become so comfortable as individuals that we're unwilling to do the uncomfortable work of building community.

I'll just bet that I'm the oldest responder in this comment section, and that is all the information you get on that point.

I've spent years inside the church and YES there is validity in most of what I read here, in my opinion. Things I see that cause me concern, and some if it is voiced in the above comments, is that we don't really study the Scriptures. We don't get to know God, one on One either. I think the Church is so busy blessing itself and ridigly holding to only a certain amount of time for "my religious involvements" that it has lost it's purpose, it's power and it's peace. It's so much like a civic club. This does not apply to all Christians and not to all Churches, but it does describe too many of them. We are commanded to be an "OUT" group, not an "IN" group.

There are too many points to which I might respond and space does not allow. There is one point to which I strongly wish to comment and that is regarding the restrictiveness of Christian Teachings. Why? Because I have felt that so intensely myself and in my progressing years came to an understanding about the LAWS that God gives us. I used to think of them as "prohibitve". I really felt that God just was against having any fun and that He was sitting there in Heaven waiting for me to mess up so He could squash me. I have later understood that God does only those things that stem from His love for us; those Laws are NOT restrictions, they are PROTECTIONS. God knows the laws of our physical world and of our spiritual world. We tend to know only the physical reasons for not doing things. We know about the Law of Gravity so we don't jump off buildings. God knows that certain things we are prone to do will take us in directions that are harmful to us as we live in this world and they will be destructive to us spiritually. We CAN trust Him. Not always the Church Leaders, I am sorry to say. So the message I would direct to all persons and this is my greatest conern for people, get a good translation, not necessarily The King James, of the Bible and READ IT! THEN READ IT AGAIN AND AGAIN. There you will find wisdom to discern the actual truth. It will no longer be a strong feeling or opinion that you possess. It will no longer be what someone else told you. Then you will begin to KNOW God as God IS.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU for this article. These people are saying exactly what I have been saying. I hope that Christians will not only read these quotes but actually THINK about these quotes and use them to better themselves and the Church instead of automatically taking offense and igonoring it. And, yes, the church is made up of sinners- but the sinners in the church don't seem to know this. They are holier-than-thou until they are confronted about it and then they use the "sinners" bit. I sometimes wonder if Church is one of the worst places a Christian can go to be close to Christ. I believe so strongly with what Gandhi once said, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ."