Digging New Wells
Reflections on persistence in the face of conflict
Yesterday, a student came by my office at the university where I teach and asked if I could recommend a way of getting someone she liked out of her head.
“Well, you might find a new boyfriend,” I quipped. “Or a hobby. That seemed to work for me.”
I was too preoccupied with my own miseries at that moment to advise someone else. I’d just received a rejection on a book proposal and, within the next hour, needed to make an unpleasant phone call, attend a meeting, and get home to my daughters, Charlotte and Lulu.
That morning I’d fought with Charlotte over Lulu’s hoodie, which had mysteriously disappeared beneath the piles of clothes and teenager rubble in Charlotte’s room. I accused Charlotte of hiding the hoodie, and she called me a name. A fight over her messy room had been brewing for months, but I didn’t like the way it had erupted. Instead of our usual exchange of threats and refusals and then a satisfyingly mutual meltdown, our fight had exploded into an unsettling blend of morning crankiness, sister-rivalry, and Charl’s complaint that I never believed her. Although I’d made us both apologize before we left home, I’d felt bad all day. And in that hectic moment—going three directions at once with a lovesick student in my office doorway—I just wanted to get home and, somehow, fix everything.
Nevertheless, a chapter I’d read in Genesis that morning surged into my consciousness—God’s usual way of weighing in on something—so I took a breath, rummaged for my Bible, and read my student the story.
After his father Abraham’s death, Isaac was blessed by God with such abundant crops and herds that his Philistine neighbors were envious and filled in all his dad’s old wells with dirt. Isaac moved farther off, reopened a few wells, and dug a new one. When the Philistines claimed the new well as their own, Isaac named it “Dispute,” moved on a bit, and dug another. The Philistines appropriated that well, too, so Isaac called it “Opposition,” moved on, and dug yet another. This time, the Philistines let the well be, so Isaac named it “Room,” commenting, “Now the LORD has given us room and we will flourish in the land” (26:22, TNIV).
Still, the spot must not have suited him, because he moved even farther away. The Philistines pursued him there, and Isaac made a treaty with them. As soon as the Philistines were gone, a servant ran in and reported on the latest well-digging efforts—“We’ve found water!”—and Isaac settled there.
“That’s what we ought to do,” I told my student. “With relationships. With everything, really. Dig a well, and if it works out, good. But if it doesn’t, we move on and dig another well, and another, until we find one that suits everyone involved.”
With that, I sent her on her way, made my phone call, sat through my meeting, and rushed home to find Charlotte in a frenzy of cleaning. The hallway outside her room was thick with hand-me-downs for Lulu, and home was filled with a noisy cheeriness I hadn’t expected to find there.
Charlotte hadn’t undergone a miraculous change of heart, to my disappointment. She’d cooked up an outing with her friends to the new movie theater in town, and she knew I wouldn’t agree to take them if her room and our relationship were in the same state she’d left them that morning. Still, her peace offering worked. As with Isaac and the Philistines’ treaty, our conscious effort to get along spurred the mutual good feelings we both wanted—a well we could agree on. After the movie, we played gin rummy together, laughing, at peace.
Somewhere in all this, I learned something about persistence in the face of conflict. Isaac didn’t just keep digging and defending the same well, as I often do in my parenting and teaching and writing. Isaac never abandoned the original plan. He had to have water, after all. Instead, he moved off and dug again, proceeding always in eager expectation that God’s promise of blessings—to Isaac and my student and me, to all his children—would be fulfilled.
Blessings,
Posted at 4:11 PM on November 13, 2007.
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Comments
I can certainly relate to your article. Have you considered writing an article about those of us with prodigal sons and daughters? Especially when the extended family sides with them for some unknown reason which they refuse to tell you which leaves the parents wondering what happened. Apparently, this is more common that I thought. Any advice from someone whose been there?
Elizabeth
Posted by: Elizabeth on November 14, 2007
This story really helped me to see a more optimistic view point about lifes disappointments. I recently started a home-based business and Im still trying to get to the sucess part. I also homeschool my 15 yr.old daughter.I appreciate your sharing of a difficult day that gave hope to more than you know.It seems like God uses our stopped up wells just as much as our sucesses.God Bless You.
Posted by: Dawn Branscum on November 14, 2007
This article has really blessed me. For months I have been contemplating whether to remain in a somewhat troubled relationship with a Christian man that I love dearly. God has been showing me that this young man really needs to mature spiritually and mentally before our relationship can be healthy. I have my issues too, but the work that God needs to do in this man's life, could not take place with me in the way. I was starting to burden myself with trying to show him the way, only to be let down when he chose the wrong way. Basically, I kept trying to dig wells in the same place even though I was being rejected. Then, I acknowledged that only God can teach him and show him. So as of last night, I surrendered him and our relationship to God and ended things. We decided to remain friends. (I'm still going to spend Thanksgiving with his family.) And if it is God's will, perhaps we may reconcile in the future. But as of now, I have moved on to dig wells elsewhere (in deepening my prayer life, spending more time with my family and friends, and doing things that I enjoy) so that I can find water. And even though I'm sad that I've lost this man as my boyfriend, I know that I have gained so much more in making a decision that benefitts everyone involved.
Posted by: Yanna on November 15, 2007
That was a pretty nice one! Never realised that about the wells or heard teaching on that. Greetings from a Finn currently living in Scotland!! & reading your articles :)
Posted by: Mimosa on November 16, 2007
I'm sorry.....maybe I didn't understand the student's question.....I thot she was trying to get someone she liked out of her mind.......as in a boyfriend she couldn't have.
Since that is my problem, I looked forward to the answer.....but there was nothing in the article about what to do with such love affairs. I think about him all the time, and can't get him out of my mind.
Posted by: Maggie on November 16, 2007
This message is beautiful! I needed this a LONG time ago. Thank you so much for putting it in a way that we can understand and learn from it. You are a blessing!
Posted by: San on November 16, 2007
Greetings and a large Thank You from an Aussie about to move over 500 kms to a new location, in 2 weeks.
I've read the account and admired Isaac's patience and persistence, but never applied it to me. God's told us its time to go (Air Force posting), but I was 'looking behind.' Its time to dig a new well, like many, many times before. Thanks for such encouragement.
God bless you and keep up the good work!
Posted by: Heather Boreham on November 16, 2007
Elizabeth suggested something for which I have been looking for well over a year now. The suggestion for SOMEONE to address sons and/or daughters who will no longer speak to their parents and the extended family members (sisters/brothers/MY MOM) who betray us by renewing their own relationship with the absent child. I don't think it's "taking sides" but more that they don't want to lose their own relationship with my daughter, even at the expense of losing my own relationship with them because even hearing her name, and they do talk about her, sends me into a blue funk for days. I can't even allow them to speak of my daughter. My personal feeling is that had they (my first immediate family) made her lie in the bed she had made, she would have been home by now. But there is a SECOND part to this same issue. My son, the son who stayed, has been there through thick and thin and listened to me rant and cry and supported me and never left me. Neither did he renew his relationship with his sister (nor did she seek such renewal) because he is so angry with her over hurting me so badly. I failed to mention that I am not allowed to see my grandson, whom I helped raise for the first two years, whom I cared for while my daughter was out "doing her thing" and who lived with me during that time. Nor have I ever seen or held my new grandson, who is a year old today. So if and WHEN she returns, I feel I would have to choose between the two (don't tell me that's not so -- that's how I feel) and allowing her to come crawling back, which I would do because I'm her mom, would alienate the one who stayed -- the one person in my whole life who never betrayed me. I would like to see someone delve deeper into the prodigal son issue to the son who stayed and was hurt by the return of the prodigal son. I'm way too close to this issue and can't see beyond my pain and it looks like you have been tagged.
Posted by: Betsy on November 17, 2007
Betsy, I wish I knew you. I will be praying for you and maybe you can also pray for me. I will be praying that God will give us the wisdom to deal with our situations. And yes, Patty, you have been tagged. God Bless you.
Elizabeth
Posted by: Elizabeth on November 20, 2007
My husband died suddenly less than a year ago. We were in covenant relationship with God and each other, deeply in love, and had weathered life's storms together. Since then, the Lord has comforted my heart as only He can.
This article spoke to me that, as I go on digging new "wells" in this life, God's good plans for both of us are not cancelled, but continuing. There really is LIFE after life, and the best really is yet to come.
Posted by: Leslye on November 23, 2007
To Maggie:
Sometimes we use fantasies about a crush as an 'energizer', to give us something to look forward to. Try to energize yourself with something you have more control over than another person's emotions. Don't brood over the person; instead, socialize with friends, exercise, love yourself and do good things for yourself! You have to consciously refocus your thoughts. Hope this helps.
Posted by: Erika on November 28, 2007
Thanks Erika
You sure hit it on the head, about it being an "energizer. I never thot of it like that, but it is so true.
Posted by: maggie on November 30, 2007
Hi Betsy, I feel your pain. However, as a mother, you have to love all your children, no matter what they do. Pray to God to give you a heart of forgiveness towards your daughter. As for your son, you need to help him overcome his resentment towards his sister, pray for him too so that God may heal his heart. You will be suprised by the miracles forgiveness brings to your life. Don't allow bitterness to deny you the joy of fellowship with your children, instead let the peace of God that surpasses all understanding envelope your whole family that you may be re-united in love and unity.
Posted by: Betty Kigondu on November 30, 2007
Years ago I "held a torch" for someone I could not have. Of course, I thought it was because I was not good enough somehow. I was afraid to just be me and express my own opinions. Or maybe it was just that I was young and didn't quite know who I was. I wasted a lot of time & energy hurting & pining for the dream. The reality: he wasn't for me, he wasn't perfect, I was okay and needed to get on with life. Maggie, "digging new wells" means you NEED to get busy with other thoughts and your own life! You don't need him! You need to get out and find your joy and make joy. Start with: "God loves me!" Learn all you can and find what you love to do and do it!
Posted by: Joy on December 5, 2007
Thanks so very much for this article. This is what I needed today. It has encouraged me to keep digging new wells. I have had a series of conflicts within the last 3 months and everything just seemed hopless but his is just the article I needed to keep diggin.
Posted by: Nakesha on December 5, 2007
I think sometimes the trivia of the day seems more burdensome than it could be, and indeed that is often the hidden blessing of grief and tragedy- to give us later a mature perspective on what really is important. Sarah Ban Breathnach in 'Simple Abundance' recommends keeping a daily thankfullness journal: record five things daily which you are thankful for. This habit changes the perspective of the whole day, when we so often only remember the negative or difficult moments, which in turn has changed my life! God Bless.
Posted by: Tracy Pace on December 5, 2007