Wow I couldn't have read this at a better time! I'm sitting here at home feeling guilty because I can't be everything to my son he expects me to be. I'm suppose to jump when he says jump and when I don't he gets angry and back talks. If he gets what he wants when he wants it, life is good. I've tried being everything from the strict disciplinarian to the loving, reasonable & understanding parent as needed - sometimes I've even just given in. I'm sad to see who he has become and how our relationship has turned out. I'm tired of trying to fix him, me and even us. I'm always wrong and he's always right. Maybe I'm the neighbor lady and standing in God's way, thinking I'm protecting him or keeping the peace for everyone's sake when in reality I really need to let go and let God take over. He knows him better than I do or I ever will. He knows his heart and fate. I just pray that I keep this parable close to my heart so it can remind me God is in charge.

I have to tell myself this parable nearly every day!
But God is gentle and kind and faithful to us neighbor ladies.

Count me in as a neighbor lady. I have a married 28 year old son who has blessed us with a beautiful granddaughter. My husband and I are still making payments on a car and student loans; not to mention all of the other material things we have purchased...you know, to help them over the hump. Several weeks ago, we had the grandbaby for the week (at their request) and I took it upon myself to give her medicine that the pharmacist suggested to clear up a bad cold only to get into trouble with my daughter in law and she is still angry with me. So I have backed off and would like to hand the car payment and student loan payment over to them but don't know how to handle it as my husband and I realize it would put them in real financial distress. I am a fixer and am beginning to realize that only God can fix things correctly. Thank you for your parable.

Aha! I'm not the only one with these tendencies to (s)mother my grown-up children!

I especially love your thought that "even though both my daughters will always be my children, they aren’t children anymore. They’re adults with lives and identities separate from me. And they have a Father who loves and cares for them infinitely more than I ever could.
My love is tainted with self. By trying to protect them, I’m also trying to protect myself. If they don’t hurt, then I don’t hurt. Or so I think. However, hurting isn’t always such a bad thing if it drives them—and me—to God’s throne."

If any of you have prodigals, you probably have come to the conclusion, as have I, that the crux of this thought will become our daily mantra, as we wait for our faithful, compassionate God to bring our precious child(ren) to the stark realization that HE alone can be their all in all. Lord, give us grace in the waiting.... and thank You for loving them more than we do!

My 14, 13 and 10 year old have entered school for the first time and I'm the neighbor lady! I've been waking early to get them up, prodding them to make their lunch (I'm a lazy neighbor), checking their grades on line and pushing them to get assignments in. Panicking when they get a zero for a missed paper.

I told myself at first that they needed this push to "get them over the hump" of not knowing what to do. This is their first school experience, after all! What it boiled down to, though, is that I felt responsible for their failures, feeling I hadn't prepared them well, not letting them fail and learn. Like your son and the loans, Wendy, trying to make sure they are doing well, not hurting.

Sadly, a family member also bought our vehicles, loaned us money, made sure we were well off, for years. It was horrible (speaking as the daughter-in-law). So I've been on the other side of this and am now beating myself up for not knowing better!

Ultimately I think that my Heavenly Father is pleased that I woke up to my sin. Living in the chains of bearing the responsibility of others, keeping them in chains at the same time. Repentance is hard. Letting go of responsibility is hard. Letting my children carry their own loads is tough. But to see their excitement and joy when they remember, make the grade, get up and ready, is wonderful.

If I may, I'm reading an article on Psychology Today which highlights this issue with our children. It's epidemic. And the article is excellent. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-3584.html

From a guilt-ridden and regretful "neighbor lady" ....Thank You!

Wow! Thanks for the article. The line "If they don’t hurt, then I don’t hurt" is so me. I just have never put it into words. Letting go is so hard to do. I'm glad I'm not alone at having a hard time of letting go and not being in control.

Just now as I opened this article I was trying to solve my daughter's problem and when I began to feel frustrated I started reading about this neighbor lady. I'm one of them, I try to fix her problems while she's saying "I'm alright". She's a very independent lady and I'm aware of this, is just that is so hard to see them strugle. It reminded me of an incident about 20 years ago. My son was 6 months old and was ill with chicken pox, his little body was completely filled with this horrible, itchy body invaders. When I saw him, My husband was driving and I asked God "why my son?" and He answered "Why my son?" I started to cry thinking about all of the sickness that my Lord and saviour had sufferd in His body for me, and God with His good sense of humor showed me a bumper sticker on the back of a truck saying a very funny and healty joke I started laughing so hard that it make me cry and gave thanks to God because He was saying "It's alright, He did it so you can have joy and life in abundance" Now I can say "Thank you, Lord that you provide all of my children's needs. You were rich and become poor while in this earth and now that you're their king sitting in the right hand of the Father you provide all of their needs according to your riches in glory!"

For all you parents with grown kids who find yourselves in financial "situations" with your kids - check out Dave Ramsey. (He is online and also does talk radio) His advice will help you AND your kids - if they choose to take it.

I had to share this resource - if people in their 20's & 30's can get their act together financially NOW instead of later it will make a HUGE difference for them and their kids!

My kids are young, so I identify more with Nancy's daughter - she is probably ready to establish a more adult relationship with mom...but it may be a bit rocky as she learns that now she is responsible for her life. Hang in there Nancy (and other moms)! I'm still learning how to communicate with my mother (I'm 30) so she sees me for me and not just someone to take care of...and I'll admit, while I really, really want her to get her own life, I do still get irked when it interferes with her helping me out. So be patient all you older moms!

My husband and I have experienced the neighborly mother and father... My mother is constantly trying to make sure things are ok with us... financially wise. I'm not sure if I should continue to accept the offerings of food and money and gifts. Probably not after reading this parable. My husband's father has offered us many things- our fence, our fire (change over from wood to gas), money for a holiday, money for a cot (as we are having a baby in 2 months), to paint the house/room.argh! I'm not sure how to tell them that we are fine... we are not organised money wise, but I feel that if we aren't left to fend for ourselves we will never trust that God can provide. Thank you for this parable for showing me these gifts are more than just helpful gifts.

I am glad that God taught me early on in my parenting the consequences of being the Neighbor lady. I remember distinctly trying to hold the hand of my pre-school daughter while she was rollerskating. While I was holding her hand and trying to keep her from falling and getting hurt, she was falling a lot. When I walked behind her waiting to pick her up when she fell, she did much better. I remember laughing and thanking God for teaching me that lesson. I reflect on it a lot as she is now a teenager. We are missionaries in Uganda and she has just returned to a school for the first time in 3 years (I was homeschooling during that time). I know that God loves her more than I do and I have to trust him to pick her up!

Wow. Talk about timeliness. My oldest son turns 21 today and I helped him move into his first apartment yesterday. As I drove home last night. I was thinking of so many things. Bless his heart, his new place is what I'd call a "dump". It's in an urban area and any mother would think of the "dangers that lurk around every corner". However, I had to chuckle as I pulled out of the parking lot. I know he has to be excited and to him that dumpy little apartment is a castle. And as I remembered my son telling me about some money he'd given a homeless man after the man helped direct him into a parking space with his loaded up car, I realized that the "dangers that lurk" may actual be God's life lessons. As I merged onto the highway home, I remembered how, in a darkened room many years ago, I offered up each member of my family to God and released them to Him. Since then, I've "lost" many of them, but I'm confident that all of my loved ones are in God's care and that He's much better equipped to "look after them" than I am. This makes it easier for me to cut the apron strings. However, I know I'll make mistakes and I know I'll worry. But it does make me feel better knowing that God's watching and guiding my son to becoming the person He wants him to be.

"If they don’t hurt, then I don’t hurt"
It is no fun to hurt because your child is hurting. So how did God do it? How did He allow His Son to go through the agony of dying on a cross...for you and me? How did God bear to watch Someone He loved suffer for our sakes?
It's an amazing love that can bear the pain of watching someone go through pain...but even more amazing is bearing up until you can get to the other side, maybe not till that Glorious day, and then see, really see, and therefore ..understand.

Wow, just what i needed at this time in my life. I have three children in college and am struggling with this and the thought "they don't need me anymore" I know that is not true, it is just a different place for us and feels uncomfortable. Thank you for your insight.

This can ring true at many stages of parenting, I think! I've been reticent to toilet train my two-year-old (almost three). God's been showing me that in my heart, I'm afraid of my baby growing up. It sounds silly, I know. By not insisting that he gains this independence, I'm the interfering neighbour lady!

My 15 year old daughter has left our (her mother and step dad's) home in the country to move in with her father and partner in the city but after a few very rocky months she moved out and in with her 17 year old boyfriend and his mother. This is not the most ideal situation but we pray for her. I am blessed that she still phones me and lets me know how things are going. It has been very hard for me as I would love to just step on in and fix everything up and bring her back home. But I know that there are no job opportunities or prospects for her future here. Over the last few weeks she has been through some of the most difficult times concerning relationship, financial and emotional. Oh how I have wanted to rush there and save her but due to my own health I have not been unable to drive after a major operation but I have been home during the day when she needed me to talk to o n the phone. Through this time I have been able to gently speak into her life and encouraged her through these issues I have seen God working absolute miracles and actually guiding her into making positve decisions for herself:better than I could have done. Isn't God amazingly economical in how he can teach us all in these magnificent but trying times.

All I can say is THANK YOU SO MUCH. I so needed to read this and will share it with so many other "neighbor ladies"

All I have to say is amen! My children are grown yet I am the same as always. Trying to make their lives better, easier, more convenient, larger, etc. when God is the only one who can actually do any of that. And He cannot and will not as long as I continue to get in the way. Thank you for sharing.

Wendy, although I would agree with you that you should not provide your son and daughter-in-law with financial help if your help is hindering their maturation, I do not believe it is wise or helpful to your relationship with your son and daughter in law to make an abrupt decision, out of anger.

If you are going to stop paying for things that they should pay for themselves, this should be a decision based on love and concern for their welfare. Not because you were hurt because your daughter-in-law became angry with you for medicating your gandchild.

Again, I am not saying that your decision is wrong (I applaud any parent's decision to foster independence in their children), but I do want to encourage you to consider your motivations for your decision and the impact that the timing of your decision may have on your relationship with your son and daughter in law.

If I might make a suggestion, it may be best to be sure that you have resolved the medication issue, granting and receiving forgiveness and repairing the relationship, BEFORE you talk with them about your decision to discontinue financial support.

I hope that you and your daughter-in-law can resolve your conflict and grow in friendship. I am impressed by your willingness to recognize actions that you may have committed that may be slowing your son's growth. May God richly bless your efforts.

I wish I could have read this years ago. I have a 46 yr. old son whom we have helped financially and in many other ways all his adult life. We allowed him to live with us for 6 months recently when he lost his job and his current girl friend asked him to leave. During that 6 months I became so depressed that I had to seek help. We were able to tell him that he had to leave. Since then he has been homeless for a short period of time and someone else took him in. Now, we don't know where he is or how he is doing. We had to put an end to enabling him to live an irresponsible life. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. We have been in God's way all this time and now we have let go and trust God to do what is necessary to bring him back to Him. Yes, I hurt, but I know this is for the best. God can bring good out of bad

Wow, how wonderful that you see how you were enabling your daughter, and to see how it's time perhaps to let her be on her own now.

My stepmom and father are very much still involved in my stepbrother's social and financial life (he is almost 27 - ! - ) and he is a great guy, but wow they really need to step back and let him become his own person...but perhaps that's just me, because they were the opposite with me (very uninterested in me or helpful).

My husband and I live in same house as my father-in-law, although he has an ensuite. It seemed like a good idea to do this years ago, although I now regret it. My father-in-law has always controlled my husband by giving him money. This is the only way he can control his 40+ year old son who now has depression. I wish my father-in-law would let go. Now he has many medical problems and we are here for him etc. but he thinks we don't do enough. He can find fault with anything. Please understand I am only mentioning a few things. He even insulted my husband during Thanksgiving Dinner, in front of both of our teenagers. Unfortunately we can't afford to move out, and because of all his medical problems, (stroke, heart disease, diabetes, kidney disease, etc.) it probably wouldn't be right to leave anyway. I pray he comes to know the Lord soon. Perhaps then he will change. To all in-laws , please let your kids grow up. If your kid doesn't mind you still helping out, they soon will, or they just won't tell you, because they don't want to hurt your feelings. I do care about my father-in-law, but I want my husband back. I know if I was reading this post I would be saying get out of there, but we can't. Any ideas of what we can do?
Elizabeth