I Wish I Hadn't Said That
Holiness isn't a difficult task of faith, but a lovely reward.
I'm much given to regret in my encounters with others. I leave most meetings at my university saying to myself, I wish I hadn't said that. Then I spend the next week or two trying to come up with a way to undo my words and the view of me they must have created in others.
The novel I'm currently reading, Marilynne Robinson's Gilead (Picador, 2004), offers useful instruction in this matter. In it, John Ames, an aging pastor in poor health, records his thoughts on life for his young son, whom he doesn't expect to see grow up. Just about everything John Ames tells his son simultaneously challenges my spiritual complacency and affirms what I believe to be the essential nature of faith—it's not a behavioral contract with God, but the highest experience of pleasure and safety and utter liberation from worry, fear, and shame. What an impressive feat on Robinson's part—both as a writer and as an evangelist—to communicate the mandate to be holy in such an inviting way. Here's an example:
"When you encounter another person, when you have dealings with anyone at all, it is as if a question is being put to you. So you must think, What is the Lord asking of me in this moment, in this situation? If you confront insult or antagonism, your first impulse will be to respond in kind. But if you think, as it were, This is an emissary sent from the Lord, and some benefit is intended for me, first of all the occasion to demonstrate my faithfulness, the chance to show that I do in some small degree participate in the grace that saved me, you are free to act otherwise than as circumstances would seem to dictate. You are free to act by your own lights. You are freed at the same time of the impulse to hate or resent that person" (124).
I love the word freed here. The pursuit of holiness, as portrayed in this loving father's advice to his son, isn't about being burdened with the obligation to do right. Rather, it's presented as an opportunity to be freed from the impulse to do wrong. Momentarily, surely. But nevertheless freed from that automatic urge, so hard to resist, to counter meanness with meanness, ill temper with ill temper, hate with hate.
Robinson's Pastor Ames isn't really saying anything other than love one's enemies, but the way he says it reveals a deep truth about holiness: It's not a difficult task of faith, but a lovely reward—to be freed from meanness in one's daily doings. From the oppressive ugliness of judgmentalism, anger, and secret hate. From regret. From guilt.
It's also instructive, I think, to consider our enemies on a much smaller scale than we usually do. Not obvious villains, like King David's enemies, who are chasing us down, encircling us, trying to harm or kill us. Such dramatic activities locate them outside the realm of our typical experience. It's easy to read the Psalms and smugly think, Well, I don't really have any enemies. Ames's advice about loving one's enemies reveals them as the people we encounter daily. Salesclerks. Our kids' teachers. Coworkers. Even our family members and dearest friends, the ones we especially love. In a conflict, if only for a moment, any one of them can become an enemy: someone who angers us and makes us want to respond in kind, with harsh temper or resentment or cool, calculated dispassion.
How wonderful it would feel to be free of the guilt of I wish I hadn't said that. To have had, instead, an opportunity at that meeting—or in that conflict with my daughter, or my student, or my husband—to show some glimmer of the kind of love that drew me into God's protective arms and saved me from myself in the first place. To engage the world without regret, without misgivings, but with gratitude. To think to myself, upon leaving a meeting, not I wish I hadn't said that! but I am loved, I am loved, I am loved.
Blessings,
Posted at 1:47 PM on August 7, 2007.
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Comments
I've learned a very valuable lesson in my walk with God... "I am never sorry for what I didn't say."
Even with the best intentions, sometimes it's better to listen than speak. Another way to avoid the bitters.
Posted by: Ellen Meroney-Lewis on August 10, 2007
I've learned a very valuable lesson in my walk with God... "I am never sorry for what I didn't say."
Even with the best intentions, sometimes it's better to listen than speak. Another way to avoid the bitters.
Posted by: Ellen Meroney-Lewis on August 10, 2007
Wow, what a revealing question! "What is God asking of me here?"
I have to admit, a lot of the time I would hesitate to ask myself that question - because, to be honest, I don't really want to know the answer. I'm tired or cranky or hurt or offended, and it takes a real effort to separate myself from Me! Me! Me! long enough to look at things from God's standpoint.
Of course, maybe not everyone has that problem. I came to faith in God in my adult years (I was 28), and overcoming the habits of thought and behaviour of my upbringing has not been easy.
I, too, often have those "Why did I say that?" moments. I can, with God's grace, often detect where that impulse was coming from. Sometimes it comes from the urge to try to say something humourous, for instance, because my dad and older brother use humour all the time - as a defence, I realized after I grew up.
Realizing why you said what you did (and wish you hadn't) is a good thing. Taking the time to seek God's will BEFORE you react is an even better thing.
Being "proactive" rather than "reactive" was a big buzz-word in business a few years ago (may still be). This is something we Christians could benefit from: be proactive about seeking God's face in every situation, instead of reacting first and thinking "I wish I hadn't said that" afterwards.
Posted by: Jeri Woods on August 10, 2007
Ms. Patty,
Your words ring true to a bitter and hurt heart.
I so enjoy your newsletters
Posted by: Debby on August 10, 2007
Ms. Patty,
Your words ring true to a bitter and hurt heart.
I so enjoy your newsletters
Posted by: Debby on August 10, 2007
I can certainly identify with regretting things said. I seem to constantly say things the wrong way at the wrong time. this was a timely blog for me.
Posted by: Brigett on August 10, 2007
Thank you for this! I'm currently having a problem with a coworker and I really needed this at this exact time!
Posted by: Mira on August 10, 2007
So true. I recently finished this book as well. It was a lovely read.
Posted by: Marilynn on August 11, 2007
it is great that we don't have to live in regret and and learn to take each encounter and pursue holiness. I am freed to choose!
Posted by: annmarie on August 11, 2007
Wonderfully said, I wish I had said this instead of what I said at meeting two nights ago. Ah the regrets of the "open mouth insert foot" habit.
Thank you Patty Kirk.
Posted by: Marge McDowell on August 11, 2007
This is so timely for me!
I'm so glad I stopped to read this today...
Posted by: Sandy on August 11, 2007
I am learning I can not be freed on my own. It is only through the grace of God through me that I am freed. In that split second my reaction becomes of choice of me or God through me. It is something I struggle with on an hourly bases.
Posted by: Sally on August 12, 2007
This writting was thought provoking and I did identify with it. I do not always do so well with having grace and holding my tongue. I do leave situations sometimes thinking, "I wish I hadn't said that". But, as I seek God and His rightousness, asking for his help in the areas of my weakness, after having repented for whatever I have done wrong, He continues to forgive me, strengthen me, and help me grow. It is not an overnight process, but the closer I stay to God, the more I see His character come out in me in daily encounters with other people.
Posted by: Jennifer on August 13, 2007
Although I don't have the daily thoughts of wishing I had said something different, I do have situational conversations and events that I often am disappointed in my self for letting another person get to me to the point I lose control to the flesh.
"The pursuit of holiness, as portrayed in this loving father?s advice to his son, isn?t about being burdened with the obligation to do right. Rather, it?s presented as an opportunity to be freed from the impulse to do wrong" WOW !!!!
what a powerful way to look at it. I've struggled to always "do right" regardless of the circumstance especially during the past 2 years as I have dealt with a spousal affair and divorce.
I like looking at it as a reward of freedom instead of a hard task of faith and obedience. Thank you for you thoughts on this.
Posted by: Sherry on August 13, 2007
WOW.....I used to feel that way too but now I just won't allow myself to go there. I'd actually try to go around undoing what I THOUGHT needed fixing. In the end no one even thought what I'd initially said was bad at all. We spend way tooooo much time beating ourselve's up don't we? Not to presume to know how God thinks but I bet he's just pleased that we step up to the plate to share our love of Him. If we mis-speak....let Him fix it!!!
Posted by: Tamara Acosta on August 13, 2007
This was very timely for me as well! It seems as if it is a constant fight between our spirit and human nature. It is so awesome to realize that when we do mess up God is waiting and ready to forgive us and teach us another way!
Posted by: Barb on August 14, 2007
This was a good article. I have a fast tongue and there have been many occasions when in looking back I wish I hadn't said something. But I am learning that God wants me to forgive myself. I am much more patient with others than I am with myself. As I say the Lord's prayer I try to remember that "Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us" means that I have to forgive myself too. How can I forgive others if I can't forgive myself?
Posted by: Dorothy Miller on August 15, 2007
Wow! Thank you for these profound insights into the life of holiness. I have to admit, I've never thought of it this way, and I couldn't agree more. Thanks!
Posted by: Steve on August 16, 2007
this is so wonderful. this is a wakeup call for me.
it is realy talking to me i have this problem i hope and pray that God will help me to think first before i speak.
i usualy want to hurt the person who has hurt me but today i've learnt that that is not how God want his children to behave because he is not like that i love my heavenly father and i want to folow his will.
Thank you very much for allowing God to use you. may God richley bless you
Posted by: mavis on August 16, 2007
Yes, it is hard to take back words after they have been spoken. This gives me an outlet to think before I speak because a pause in speech is so much greater than that hurt feeling on a face you love after those harsh words have already been spoken. Thank you, Candace in Dallas, TX.
Posted by: Candace on August 17, 2007
I used to leave a real path of destruction with my words and then wondered why someone was mad at me. I didn't realize what my words did to people, I just thought I was declaring the truth (as I saw it) in blunt, factual ways. No diplomacy at all. God had a 24-7 job turning me around, which wasn't exactly fun for me and He isn't done yet. Ouch.
One of the things that helps me the most is that when I recognize that I've hurt someone with words, I write a letter to that person and apologize with all of my heart. I recently wrote a letter of sincere apology to someone I devastated with words in junior high school and I'm 65 years old now! God will bring those incidents to mind for you if you ask Him to. Even if you were RIGHT in what you said, the delivery can be hurtful and that's what is probably stinging your heart right now. It's ok to tell someone that their behavior or words bother you and ask to set aside some time to talk with them about it, just keep quiet until you know WHY it bothers you and caused you to say something you regret. Does any of this make sense or am I making hash of what I'm trying to get across?
Posted by: Jeanne on August 24, 2007