Not much to say but "Amen"! I had the opportunity recently to help a friend in Christ who was very ill and without anyone local to help. This gal was like you described yourself, strong and usually the one helping others. It was hard for her to receive, but now that she's on the other side and can reflect on the past months, she's greatful for the opportunity to learn this, even if at an older age. Ladies out there, don't be too proud to say yes. It is the scheme of the devil that would make us feel isolated and alone during these times. Thanks Carla, for the re-inforcement.

Hello, my name is Lisa Stowe I am a retired Trauma ICU nurse for over 18 years. I had to retire my Job I loved so much because I became very sick; with over 15 hospitalizations I was finally diagnosed with systemic lupus and acute fibromyalgia, congestive heart failure and depression and early stages of kidney failure. I am 38 years old. Today I am homeless and don’t know were my next meal may come from I have a 15 year old daughter who is staying with my mother over summer break. It has been very hard for her to watch her mother slowly die right before her eyes. I also have a loving husband who I am completely dependant on. Not only does he take care of me but he works 2 jobs just to pay for my 23 medications I take daily he pays for all my doctor visits and procedures and does all of this with unconditional love.. God surely blessed me with him. Over the 2 year wait for my social security disability benefits we have slowly become so poor and needy for any aspect for daily living. I am writing this plea in hopes I will not be passed by for asking for help. So many years I took care of the sick and needy with compassion and love, so I pray it will be returned in some way or another in my great needs right now. I end this letter in opens and prayer that it will touch someone to take action. Thank you and prayerfully yours Lisa Stowe
1600 w sugar creek rd
Charlotte NC 28262
704-598-4451
Or my mothers phone 864-325-1655
lisagowan@hotmail.com

There's another side to not asking for help. Sometimes we don't ask because we think of ourselves as the strong ones, as Carla says.

And sometimes we don't ask for help because we've had to ask so many times before, and people have started to show impatience with our needs.

I've been in this second place myself - in fact, it seems to be a permanent home!

It started when my husband and I were on welfare, many years ago. At first my church friends (I was a new Christian then) gladly helped us out. Then, as time went on and we weren't able to dig ourselves out of the hole (at least not quickly enough, apparantly), these friends started getting impatient with us.

I grew ashamed of having to ask for help.

Then when I managed to find a job (so we were off welfare), we were still below the poverty level. We didn't need help quite as often, but I found myself in a position of having to say, "Sorry, no" whenever a group of friends went out for coffee or organized a lunch for a co-worker.

Christmas became agonizing. Most years we couldn't afford to buy each other Christmas presents. Coming back to work after Christmas meant having to deal with all the happy "And how was YOUR Christmas?" questions from co-workers. I quickly learned to say "Fine" and immediately ask them about their own Christmas, rather than tell the truth.

The stigma of being poor has stuck with me all these years (as has the poverty, to one extent or another). It has been, I know, made worse by my own family's attitude toward poverty when I was growing up; my parents had the "nobody HAS to be poor, it's their own fault" attitude.

That experience (and background) has dogged me ever since. Sometimes it's hard to ask for help, not because you don't realize you need it, but despite the fact that you DO realize it.

Take a good look around the people you know - even the ones you are good friends with, in church and outside it. Look for the little signs. Because they dress neatly and are well-educated, do you assume they are well off? That may not be their reality.

I guess what it boils down to is, we ALL need help - we're all desperate! Lord, help us to break through our own barriers and see through others' walls, that we can be in charity with one another.

Wow, that is me all over. Won't ask for help, feel I have to be strong for everyone, then feel resentful when nobody notices that I am tired and want someone to look after me for a little while!
Its a hard habit to break though. I went through a time about 20 or so years ago, when I was always needing someone to talk to, and when I sensed anyone was too busy I drew back. I guess since then I have found it very difficult to ask for support, and thought I just needed to talk to God. Which I still do, and He is never to busy to listen. A great comfort. But there are some things that God needs humans to help him out with. Like giving a hug, or a cuppa, or just someone to say 'Hey you look tired and worn out, can I help in any way?'
Maybe we should all look for those signs in the other 'strong' people we know too.

I have the same problems!!! I do so much for others and expect that they should be like me and see that I need HELP.
I did this with my husband to the point that it almost cost us our marriage. Thank God that our Preacher told me the only person that can read your mind is God, and he is not going to do the dishes when you need help. So ask for help!!
So 6 years later we are still married for the better. I Love my husband 20 years later more than on day 1 of marriage.
Karla

Your article has caught me off guard. I sometime think that my friends are not there for me. I consider myself to be strong and my friends think the same of me. As such they do not reach out to me as they think I am never in need. Thanks much for a well needed reminder - that I can ask for help instead of hoping that others will see that I need help.

Thanks again

God has really been dealing with me on perfectionism. I was recently put on bedrest for a couple of months with my second child. We also have a 3 year old, so we had to ask for help and it was hard for us, but my husband simply could not take care of everything. Once we let others know that we needed help, we felt such love and peace that it became something that seemed normal. Trusting God is what it came down to and He overwhelmed us with the love of others. We had more help than we could use!

Wow, do I remember those days when my children were small! I also had bouts of hating the Proverbs 31 woman because she had the "one-up-man-ship" over me. Unfortunately, it wasn't until my kids were older when I was not under the same pressures that I took a chance to be vulnerable and as a result found the deep and long-lasting friendships I sorely needed. Now that my children are older, I have learned to laugh at myself and let go of the extreme drive to always be the capable one. "Martha to the Max", written by Debi Stack, is a very fun opportunity to laugh at ourselves and our penchant to be perfect. I highly recommend it. Thanks so much for your post!

Carla Barnhill's writing hit home with me. What she wrote bears a lot of truth: "God created us to love, not to impress each other." I like her reference to Jesus getting his rest by visiting Mary and Martha. Makes me think of a book that helped me as I face being too much of a doer--and not sitting at Jesus' feet. It was
MARTHA TO THE MAX by Debi Stack. It gave me lots of insights. I enjoyed her humor, too.

I too have difficulty admitting I need help. Recently my husband and I were adopting our daughter from Guatemala and she was in an accident and passed away at age 7 months. We were devistated and we kept hearing "let us know what we can do to help." We had no idea what we needed. Some of our dearest friend just did, they didn't wait for us to ask for meals, or to come over or to put together a memorial service. They just did it! Still to this day I have difficuty asking for help, but I do know that when someone needs help I just do it. I don't ask.

Dear Carla,
It's just one of these curses of 'liberation' which has made "empowerment" not a real way to equality and freedom but an ideology.
This: we women can do all you can - and we'll show you (with a vengeance) has turned far too many of us into imitations of exactly that which we despised in men. Instead of understanding that they were not acting the way they do (or did) because they want to be tyrants, but because they felt alone and forced to stand on their feet all for themselves. That what they had learnt - and a lot of that from their mothers! That's why they can't cry - nor ask for help.
And we made the mistake of envying them for something we misinterpreted as the "happiness of power". And so, we copied them - and became (many of us, especially the middle class and educated ones) as lonely and miserable as them.
The new era had started so good in my student times in the late 60ies and early 70ies: full of vigour and -yes: equal terms, friendship, relating with men. Then, some frustrated ones of our ranks declared war - because they could not understand how good and important that little difference between the sexes is. They only could see economics and accounting, and many of us followed those false prophetesses. That's how many un-learnt to ask for help, to ask for closeness, for a hug - es: even for sex (turning it dirty instead of beautiful).
We'll have too back a bit, to return to happiness (not servitude - happiness).
Joan

Why can't I get to read what everybody thinks and says? It says here "read the whole blog", but then there is none.
Jo

When we don't ask for help in our time of need, it's about a pride problem.

Thank you Carla for showing me that I am not alone. I am absolutely terrible at asking for help, I have always been fiercely independent and I struggle with needing help from time to time. I am a divorced mom of two teenage boys and there have been times where people at my church have reached out to help, much to my chagrin (because the boys asked). I despise being a burden or a bother to anyone, therefore I am very hesitant to reach out, even if I really need it.

I really appreciate this article. It has been a downfall of me. I became an image of a "super-mom." 28 years ago we adopted a 2-month old boy who we soon discovered was disabled and didn't sleep. I am an RN, so everyone assumed I could handle all this. I tried to keep up with my regular church work also. Our new son didn't sleep and the fatique was overwhelming and led to a deep depression, which I wouldn't admit for years.
The prayers were plentiful, but I really needed prayers with hands. I know others didn't know what to do, but I didn't either. Just being an OB nurse and a Mom didn't qualify me to handle all this.
I encourage friends to go and help the friends that seem so efficient. Take care of the parents.
Dropping off food is and was very much appreciated, but what I really needed was people to visit and eat with us. Just stop in, because it is very hard for us to ask for help. Get the vacuum and a dust cloth. Clean up the dishes around. You can't make a mistake in that. Sit and read to the "super-mom." She is too tired to read for herself. Bring a really funny movie to watch.
Giving an image (even if untrue) of efficiency is lying to our friends and church family. Let go--cry with a friend--it's a great experience. We all have had frustrations in our lives. It may be as simple as not finding our car keys and our kids are late for a game or school. How did you deal with that? That is a temporary, but very similar situation.
I'm again in a situation that is hard. My husband just had very invasive back surgery and our now 28-year old son is home now after being in a group home for the first 10 days and requires a fair amount of care--bathing, dressing, feeding, toileting, medications, etc. I'm no longer "working" because of a disability in my neck, but it is still hard--I do ask for help more now, but I find it a hard thing to ask. An I still putting up a false image? I'm trying to be more honest with my friends. When they ask what I need, it is a bit easier to say what I need.
Thanks again for bringing this issue to light--it encourages me to be more transparent to my friends and church family.

I have struggled with some of the same issues and agree with what you are saying. I would recommend a book that was helpful to me, Martha to the Max, by Debi Stack, it was a humorous and insightful book. Thanks for the article!

Thank you for the "reality check" because I'm one of those people that hates to ask for help for anything. I always believed that if people really want to help, they'll offer before you ask or jump right in to help, but like you pointed out people aren't mind readers (Thank God for that - most of us wouldn't want others knowing what is in our heads). I too have always been seen as the strong one who has it all together and is great to lean on for support and help - the one who doesn't need anyone because I've got it together, but everyone needs someone at sometime - it's human nature and most of all it's OK. While we might be assuming noone wants to help or cares to, the reality is there is always someone waiting to help if we only ask for help. God has blessed us with loving family and friends, there is nothing wrong with saying "Hey can I get a little help here" because after all we are only human.

I can relate to being the person who does the caring and helping and when difficult times come for me I feel no one does that caring for me-is it that they think I am a coper? Only recently I asked our minister to consider the churchleaders and to remember that we too have needs and we too need some loving and caring and indeed support. She seemed take aback by that but a number of us do so much in the church as well as carry on with our full time jobs etc

My small group has been discussing this very thing. Helping brothers and sisters in need should start with our own small group before the church at large. But we are too proud to admit our need. One woman does admit need, but she is rare. I think you are right. We have to see the need in ourselves before we can present to others. It has been a great leap just to ask my husband for help. I guess I don't ask friends for help because I am afraid they won't.

I do know that just as it is Christian to show love by helping others, it is also Christian to humble oneself and let others help me.

I constantly deal with the curse of the capable and even have difficulty telling my sisters and parents when I need help. There are several things that God has been teaching me recently as I have struggled with difficulties. One, that I have a wall that does not allow for emotional incursion except on my own terms. Two, that admitting I have needs would be giving up some of the control I need to feel that I have over my life. It is just SIN. God wants us to love one another and help one another. He also wants us to love one another enough to let those around us into our lives to help. Satan uses those opportunities to make me angry with those around me for not having some kind of extra-sensory perseption about what I really need. Thanks for this posting that pointed all that out to me again.

Thank you so much for sharing. I have been trying so hard to hid the reality that everything is not fine. That I can handle it. I desperately want someone to help, but that would mean that I reveal the truth. I can't do it all.

Your article opened my eyes to what I am doing to myself. What stress I have been putting myself through for nothing. Now the question is can I open up to say "I need your help."?

I totally relate to your story. As a pastor's wife, I find myself trying to live up to an expectation that I THINK others have of me...like I'm Christian Super Woman or something! The sad thing is that most of the time I AM CONVINCED that all the other women in the Christian world know a secret. The secret of being "the perfect: mom, wife, housekeeper, money manager, whatever it is...They are perfect and I'm not. An awesome book I read by Debi Stack entitled "Martha to the Max" help point out rather humorously the fascade that we women try to live up to. If you have not read this book, I can only say: "You have not only missed out on a good laugh and cry, but also a sigh of relief."

I am that person you describe- to a T. Until i almost buckled under the weight of post natal depression, i just smiled at everybody who came offering help after my first baby. And yes, i no longer care about impressing friends with my capability; infact, i have moved to the other extreme of not caring at all what they think of my littered living room or overflowing kitchen sink. I feel truly free for the first time- and more empathetic to others too!

As another strong woman who refuses to ask for help I completely understand how you feel. I recently found a book that I found very encouraging titled "Martha to the Max". Author Debi Stack explains how we become "Martha" and reminds us we must rest and become more like "Mary.

I found the book refreshing and encouraging. I am sure you will as well.

Thank you SO much for you article. I have felt the same way for years! We (the capable) are ignored while those who "fly by the seat of their pants" get all the help when in need - because they are so obviously needy! I used to teach a 30 min. Bible Study lecture weekly and had an assistant who gave a 5-10 min. devotional before class started. She would come in just as the class started and drop her kids on the floor with all their diaper bags, toys, etc. for everyone else to pick up and take to the nursery! People would always offer her help while I had two boys at home, a husband who travels weekly, etc. but no one ever asked what they could do to help me! I felt the same way you do/did. I want to be vulnerable ... but always end up feeling too needy when I express myself to others. There has to be a good balance between the two.

I've been there and done that far more than I care to admit. My husband has had to force me to ask for help more than once because I've let my pride get in the way. Slowly,but surely I am beginning to see that allowing other people whom I have helped, helps them. One young lady told she was very blessed to help me fold my laundry because finally she could give something back. I'm convinced that those of us who appear to be capable will find ourselves at some point in time forced into a situation where we must ask for help or risk losing something precious - ie, our health or sanity! It took a lot for me to get there but get there I did, and I'm finding I like it. The expecations are a little lower, the real me gets out now and then so I don't have to worry that someone will 'catch' me being anything less than strong and capable - now they now I'm human, too.

Blessings, it's good to know it's not just me who struggles with asking for help.

I struggle with trying to be all things to all people...and find myself getting tangled in the web of attempted perfection. What's helped me in my journey is reading Debi Stack's "Martha to the Max." I was reminded of her incredible book yesterday during Church, hearing the story of Martha and Mary again.

For those of you who struggle to pack it all in, and end up frustrated, READ THIS BOOK! You'll be glad you did :)

Thanks! I can really relate to this one. I've been the "strong" one that my family depended on since I was a young child, then the "strong" one that my husband, then children, depended upon. I am 53 now, and still not very good at asking for help, but life (and God) have put me in situations where I've been forced to learn. Anyone have any "helpful hints" for learning to ask for and accept help?

Dear Carla - and all others,

I have the feeling I have to come back once more. You may have hit the nail on the head – simply with your title: ‘The Curse of the CAPABLE’. Has it ever occurred to you that we may have dug or own – well, not grave, but a similarly cold and dark place. It wasn’t “them”, the ones we have held responsible for everything and forever – except any good.

Our grandmothers grew up in a pretty stable world until they started filling gun shells and cartridges – and did not usually feel terribly oppressed. Our mothers got caught somewhere like the Duke of York 10,000 men …”and when they were neither up nor down …”, until they put bombers together. And we …? We didn’t any of this but were told that we were the most capable ever – and believed it.

We can do everything – and better than them. It’s like in that song of the Queens: “… no time for losers, for we are the champions” – no: CHAMPIONS. Of what? Are we so much better? Just because we are women? And are they then just an unnecessary burden – as Maureen Dowd of New York Times openly asked us: “Are Men Still Necessary?”

We have dug ourselves into isolation from our other halves. They were – really: most of them – very understanding and terribly helpful with all the things we wanted changed. And how did we repay them? By telling them: “All men are rapists” (quote of a NOW Presidenta), maligning them all as inferior?

We have allowed a few frustrated, bitter women to dominate what was once a good and sound movement towards a happy equal existence. Let’s not forget: the women of the early Women’s Movement fought alongside with the idealistic men of the aspiring workers’ movement. But now, we have lauded ourselves into a chilling isolation from those we need most. We may succeed in dragging and alienating the children away from them into he same sullen unhappy hate – but in every child, there is also the man who created that new person with us.

The original movement of going together for a better existence for all has, again, been taken over by some who never have lived through hunger, poverty, and oppression - just as in the French Revolution, when the Bourgeois took away the “Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité” from the Citoyen – and then came the terror. The ‘leaderenes’ who keep telling us that we are “all empowered” – and we alone! they all saw, basically, the women’s conditions they deplore only when they watched their maids cooking or scrubbing the floor – and then, they fought for more rights for themselves.

We have got so used to think of ourselves as the “Crown of Creation”. Has it not occurred to you how we laughed about the men who behaved exactly like that? There were some – yes, but not that many. And most of them are laughed off by the other men, too.

But we? Too many of us copied exactly what we had despised so much. Power corrupts – So does “Empowering”. We have to find a bit of reality, honesty, and humility again. Humility – NOT creeping. And you know what? We have to teach our men the same as us – and our sons, for they will be men – hopefully: backbone, spine, self-esteem, pride – but not arrogance, and respect and care for all others.

We have run down many of them into despair and self-hate. And now, we follow the same way – simply, because we put ourselves on a pedestal above our complement who are an essential part of our abilities and strength. But we live in one world – and we belong together. Why we are lonely and unable to ask for help, is because we demanded to go exactly where their (falsely perceived) “freedom” had got them. And if we ask for the same – we’ll get it.

But do we really want that? Did they want that? Or were they pushed there? How much “power” did they really have? As little, and no more than us. What they had and worked for they shared with us. Their work was their life – and our mothers. And they also cried out for “Equality”. And when they cried out it was for them and their families. But when we cried out for it, I fear those who cried loudest had no idea what they shouted for, because they had never needed anything.

Equality does not mean identical needs – but the appropriate for both partners. And there we went wrong – and now we don’t know how to get home. Maybe some think that “a woman’s proper place is an office” (as “feminist” Linda Hirshman). Alright, let her be there, fully air-conditioned, cozy, and buzy with make-up, telling herself she’s important – but I want to go HOME – to my other half, to the children, to my place – and thus: to myself. My work and capability are only a means of getting there.
Dr. Joan Boost

AMAZING, I have struggled with this situation for so long,and realise now what a sin it is. Thankyou all for sharing and yes I will be reading Martha to the Max. Blessings to all forth coming Marys.

Yes girl! The many responces are evidence to the fact that there are a lot of "No I can do it all and take on your load, too" kind of women out there. Part of it is the way God wired us, us wonderful type A go getters.

Reciently I read the book "Martha to the Max" by Debi Stack. Not only is it a RIOT of a read (I mean laughed until I cried...read parts out load to people on the street with tears running down my face!!) but it has some great advice on letting go of perfectionism and really interesting research on Martha and her sister Mary.

I recommend it all the time when I met people dealing with this issue. I am a recovering Martha...6 months into a year or self perscribed rest. And I must say the one thing God has showed me is the amazing power being "weak" holds. Before I would have work a 40 hour week , gone to a class, volunteered for a commity and still have been running the singles group at my church. Living with no margin (time and money) because I am a perfection seeking people pleasing high "I" (DISK test reference!!) kind of girl. And God loves me better when I work (LIE!).

Now I tell people, "Sorry, I am still recoverying from a major burn out and I am still in a resting stage." AND..."I can't do this or that because I am on a buget and cann't afford it." And the best truth yet----" That is out side my circle of responsiblity, God you are going to have to worry about that." Because I am NOT the lost member of the HOLY TRINITY! Shocking, I know! But there for a while I thought..maybe...

Talk about letting your real self just hang out there!

And my friends, people in general, have been very supportive. Now when I am ask how I am doing ...I tell them the truth because I refuse to keep the "I am fine" lie alive in me anymore. People ask questions and I ask for prayer.

God is blessing my socks off! I feel good for the first time ever...I think. I am not searching frantially for that next project! And I can't tell you how many lunches people have bought for me when I say I can't go because it's not in the budget. With each encouraging comment I grow stronger and "revel in my weakness!"

Dear Carla - and all others,

I have the feeling I have to come back once more. You may have hit the nail on the head – simply with your title: ‘The Curse of the CAPABLE’. Has it ever occurred to you that we may have dug or own – well, not grave, but a similarly cold and dark place. It wasn’t “them”, the ones we have held responsible for everything and forever – except any good.

Our grandmothers grew up in a pretty stable world until they started filling gun shells and cartridges – and did not usually feel terribly oppressed. Our mothers got caught somewhere like the Duke of York 10,000 men …”and when they were neither up nor down …”, until they put bombers together. And we …? We didn’t any of this but were told that we were the most capable ever – and believed it.

We can do everything – and better than them. It’s like in that song of the Queens: “… no time for losers, for we are the champions” – no: CHAMPIONS. Of what? Are we so much better? Just because we are women? And are they then just an unnecessary burden – as Maureen Dowd of New York Times openly asked us: “Are Men Still Necessary?”

We have dug ourselves into isolation from our other halves. They were – really: most of them – very understanding and terribly helpful with all the things we wanted changed. And how did we repay them? By telling them: “All men are rapists” (quote of a NOW Presidenta), maligning them all as inferior?

We have allowed a few frustrated, bitter women to dominate what was once a good and sound movement towards a happy equal existence. Let’s not forget: the women of the early Women’s Movement fought alongside with the idealistic men of the aspiring workers’ movement. But now, we have lauded ourselves into a chilling isolation from those we need most. We may succeed in dragging and alienating the children away from them into he same sullen unhappy hate – but in every child, there is also the man who created that new person with us.

The original movement of going together for a better existence for all has, again, been taken over by some who never have lived through hunger, poverty, and oppression - just as in the French Revolution, when the Bourgeois took away the “Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité” from the Citoyen – and then came the terror. The ‘leaderenes’ who keep telling us that we are “all empowered” – and we alone! they all saw, basically, the women’s conditions they deplore only when they watched their maids cooking or scrubbing the floor – and then, they fought for more rights for themselves.

We have got so used to think of ourselves as the “Crown of Creation”. Has it not occurred to you how we laughed about the men who behaved exactly like that? There were some – yes, but not that many. And most of them are laughed off by the other men, too.

But we? Too many of us copied exactly what we had despised so much. Power corrupts – So does “Empowering”. We have to find a bit of reality, honesty, and humility again. Humility – NOT creeping. And you know what? We have to teach our men the same as us – and our sons, for they will be men – hopefully: backbone, spine, self-esteem, pride – but not arrogance, and respect and care for all others.

We have run down many of them into despair and self-hate. And now, we follow the same way – simply, because we put ourselves on a pedestal above our complement who are an essential part of our abilities and strength. But we live in one world – and we belong together. Why we are lonely and unable to ask for help, is because we demanded to go exactly where their (falsely perceived) “freedom” had got them. And if we ask for the same – we’ll get it.

But do we really want that? Did they want that? Or were they pushed there? How much “power” did they really have? As little, and no more than us. What they had and worked for they shared with us. Their work was their life – and our mothers. And they also cried out for “Equality”. And when they cried out it was for them and their families. But when we cried out for it, I fear those who cried loudest had no idea what they shouted for, because they had never needed anything.

Equality does not mean identical needs – but the appropriate for both partners. And there we went wrong – and now we don’t know how to get home. Maybe some think that “a woman’s proper place is an office” (as “feminist” Linda Hirshman). Alright, let her be there, fully air-conditioned, cozy, and buzy with make-up, telling herself she’s important – but I want to go HOME – to my other half, to the children, to my place – and thus: to myself. My work and capability are only a means of getting there.
Dr. Joan Boost

Yes, at one time I might have appeared to not need help. But, I remember Sundays in church, when tears would stream down my face...yet no one seemed to notice. And how could I talk about a deep depression that I did not even recognize? It took time and counseling to get through a period of intense grief. Dealing with many losses at one time. It was way too scary to say "I'm not going to make it." I remember even thinking inside of me..."Don't give me your pat answers, don't you know they don't work." Only much later (4 years) was I able to let others know of that long-ago-period of time. Soon, I was asked to speak at a woman's seminar. I very honestly shared about my "dark night of the soul." the wish of "getting our act together before we take it on the road."Young women were saying "I want to be you when I grow up!" Which speaks to the value of being honest about our struggles within our church family. People will come out of the woodwork seeking help for their "dark nights." We need to journey together. Fast forward to 5 years ago my diagnosis of breast cancer, 8 chemos, lymph node involvement, and still being on treatment. God called me to form a support group for women. We are walking this cancer journey together. We acknowledge we don't have all the answers... we just need someone to listen to our story. To walk with us. (I was very upfront with my diagnosis...and yes, indeedy, I needed help--lots of it initially. Cleaning my home, bringing in meals, sending notes. Nonetheless, it was very difficult for me to ask.) But the point is I did ask. I believe "God desires truth in our innermost hearts." It's OK to be human. It allows others to be human--to admit one doesn't have all the answers--one is needy. God is so good about bringing others into our lives just when we need it--if we are open.

However, I know it is initially easy to help someone...but, can we do it for the long haul--if the need just goes on and on? I think we, the church, do fail there. Some people have chronic needs. I fail there, myself.

I'm a bit taken aback by Dr. Boost's comments. Were we reading the same article? I don't think the author was criticizing men, nor was she suggesting that she is fighting for an equality that is owed to her.

As a young, professional woman, I am struggling with trying to find the voice to ask for help in my job and in my relationship with my husband. I work in a cozy, cool office and I DO feel like I have some importance in my job--does that make me selfish? Clearly you have made some accomplishments as proven by your title (Dr), but why do we have a hard time asking for help? This is the question. Dr., what can we as women do to stop being overperformers in our households, jobs and relationships with our extended families and friends? I would like to think that it ISN'T because we THINK we DO IT BETTER (as women), or that we've pushed MEN away. No. The author speaks of how she AND her HUSBAND fail to ask for help when needed, yet expect others to read their minds.

I need to find my self. She is not in the office but she is also not in the kitchen. Does it make me less of a Christian because I want to find independence? Does it make me less of a woman because I sometimes want someone to take care of my needs? HOW, do I still maintain my strong values as a Christian, integritiy as a professional woman, but yet also be humble and illustrate humilitation? Your post suggests that I can't do it all. I disagree.

I just need guidance. Perhaps someone can help by offering a passage that may help.

I love being a woman and I love the fact that I have the strength of my women ancestors embedded in my blood--I want to illustrate that strength in my relationships and in my career. I think once I learn to call upon that strength to balance my life, I will have found myself. Somewhere between the dish suds and the cubile I exist!

There is nothing more painful for me than rejection for some reason. Once I had a really good friend who I confided in a lot. Eventually I burned her out and now we have no relationship at all, even though we stood in each other's weddings. I have never quite recoverd from losing that relationship, and am terrifed of making the same mistake again. So I try desperately not to be too needy.

I know that I have been told even by my 13 year old son that I don't know how to accept help, and that I want to do everything on my own. I am a single mother and I have learned to depend on my Almighty Father for most things, yes, I do require help and I do ask when I don't how to do it. I have a father and a brother who didnot cut me and my 2 other sister any slack, in other words, we learned what they taught us and were expected to retain and work like they did. So I have had it all my life to live independently for most things. Yes, it a two sided sword because asking for help requires you to be patient with the other person and the time in which they can do it in. If I cannot personally help you as fast as possible I will tell you and you can make a choice if you need my help. I am very up-front and I find a lot of people are not and I think that is what annoys me the most. The Lord is dealing with me and my son is helping me through it and I will help him as well because he sometimes has the same problem. Heal and deliver in this place. Lord God Almighty of my pride and judging people. Thanks, and God bless you all.

PRAISE THE LORD, HALLELUYA. I saw and mingled lots of people in different countries.Every person has diffirent mentality. I enjoy my christian life with my family and friends. Every person who ask my help I'm always ready as long as i can help them. As a christian we must have an open arms but becareful too. I thought i won't be having problem with my family and my husband cause we know the word of god but then the more you are closer to god the more problems -trials are coming. We have misunderstanding with my husband and i can feel that he is having an affair to someone. I work in another country and only my holidays i'm with them for 1 or 2 mos every 1or 2yrs.I give everything they want, need. I give him business and now I am the bad person. I work so hard even if I'm sick,feels bad cause im alone. They don't know how i suffer and sacrifice for not with my 2 kids. If only they know how i feel.Anyway I'm thankfull cause I know JESUS and he promise that HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME NOR FORESAKE ME BUT HE WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY SIDE TO PROTECT ME.Folks pls. help me pray for my family to be restored cause once it's a broken family my kids will suffer and GOD don't want a broken home and family. Thanks and more power to each and everyone. GOD BLESS TO ALL.

I am in your camp Black Sparrow! I am constantly beating myself up because I vacillate between wanting to be a focused, passion-driven woman who gives herself fully to a cause...but when I start down that road, I find myself increasingly annoyed with my family.
Yet I won't let my family be that cause even though I realize the importance God gives the family - so I won't push them off on someone else either! I have 3 small kids - I think I have them because God is forcing me to rethink my ideas of success. I vowed as a teenager to never let my kids be my whole life...yet maybe, just maybe they have to be most of my life for a few years...

This relates to this topic because after my third child I've had to lean on other women in my church a ton! It's kinda nice! Although I'll admit, I don't like feeling that I "owe" them. I'd almost rather just pay them so we can be "even". Anyone else feel like that? I think it's because then it's no longer a relationship with give and take, but an employer/employee arrangement. And then I am in control.

But at least I am learning that people will help (they are not all like me!) - if you ask. I was rather put off by some friends in another city after our second child - we didn't get any meals or anything! But then again...we didn't ask, and many of them didn't have kids yet. So keep that in mind - your friends just may not understand what you are going through!

This one makes me feel guilty. When you ask if I feel comfortable asking for help. There have been many times in my life where I felt I was in crises. I remember telling God please, please , I will never ask for your help again. He was there for me and he would give what I had prayed for; then time would pass and I would ask for his help again. I have lied to him by doing this . My prayers were always answered but I have not kept my "bargain". Everytime it is the same. I wonder then should I just trust that he already knew before he answered. Or would that be taking advantage . God is truly like a forgiving parent .He parents better than I ever can . He teaches me that way ,by example, But I still end up feeling ashamed and wanting to be stronger. I always disappoint him though.

I have a need that I need to talk to preferably a pastor, or someone who is versed in counseling. I have been a christian for 30 years .. have a need
email me at allwellpz@yahoo.com

hi Carla i've just read this message now bcoz i've been very busy but i believe that this came at the right time for mi u know i'm in this situation right now i'm in a relationship and i'm this strong woman so to speak who is always there when someone needs a shoulder to learn on including my partner my problem is that when i'm in a problem he doesn't seem to know what to say or do to comfort mi the same applies to my friends and family even if i ask for help or advice from them they will just say we don't know what to say whilst if they were having a problem i would try my level best to assist, comfort and support the person in need but it seems like i am on my own and no body understands mi/that i am a human being and i do have problems just like everyone else and at times i need a shoulder to cry on or someone to say its going to be okay i need some one to talk to plz help

Declare war against satan? Christian women. Lets pray everything out of us. The Lord, Our Lord Jesus Christ has won!
We are victorious, because of His death and mighty resurrection. He's already won the battle for us. Pray!!!Pray!!!Pray!!
Jesus is on our side, and we will survive!!
Praise The Lord!!! Amen, Amen, Amen!!!