I thought Carla was writing a story about me! I had been praying and praying for God to show me why I thought that I had to be liked by everyone. Why was being a people-pleaser so important to me? It seemed that it had taken over my whole personality. But then God slowly started showing me His truth. I was very insecure and I didn't want other people to see that. They saw me as the one who was capable of taking care of everyone with this endless smile and sunny disposition. Exactly what I wanted them to see. But God showed me that I only needed to focus on pleasing Him. Pleasing only God reflected on everyone else. He has given me the confidence and I no longer worry if I am pleasing everyone, as long as God is pleased with me. His truth has truly set me free. Blessings, Becky

What amazing timing! Today I chose to set a boundary. It did not please and I feel horrible. This helps!

I was never born with the desire to please. I've always spoken my mind, sometimes with less grace than was ideal, but usually in a manner that my listeners accept. There has never been any malice intended. It has worked in my favor, for persons seek me out, knowing I will speak the truth. Those in search of a sycophant generally avoid me.

Oh, I am that person. I am a people -pleaser. I don't know how to say no, I do not want to hurt anyones feelings. I know I am very insecure because when someone gets mad at me it drives me nuts and even if it was not my fault I still apoligize. I really need God's help for me to get over this insecurity.

I also am a people pleaser which also leads to being a door mat at times. It does cause conflict sometimes, if not with anyone else but within myself. No, I am not strong enough to give up a friendship in order to speak the truth. I have found it is easier to be quiet and pray about the situation. I am not sure this is the way to handle it but it is the only way I have found I can handle it. Thank you for the example of David and Jonathan, I am going to read that in scripture and just see where God leads me with this.

Carla,
Have you ever had to put aside your need to be liked in order to speak the truth?
Yes, I did in my marriage for years and when I did tell my ex husband what I thought, my opinion he did not like what I said. He sought a female that told him what he wanted to hear and this female he began having an affair with. I told him to stop seeing her and for us to go to counseling. He walked out, went and lived with her and we are now divorced.

Are you willing to give up a friendship in order to keep your integrity? Yes and I have. I learned that the friendship was distructive.

How have you escaped the people-pleasing trap? I have not and I still fall into the people pleasing trap.

YES, amen and amen! I used to be such a people pleaser, but then God brought me into the field of counseling and well, crushed all my people pleasing desires. Now, I've not done this well. I went from being completely passive to being way too aggressive in hurting others with the "truth."

Here's what I've learned. I realize I cannot stand by and allow injustice when God makes it clear that I must respond. However, that's the key. I have to ensure that it is God truly telling me to step in and speak up. Then, along with His timing, my words have got to be completely immersed in grace, mercy, and love. In addition, I have to seek the discernment from the Holy Spirit and walk in that bold humility that only He can provide. Today, I'm still not great at it, but I do see clients as I'm pursuing a Master's in counseling and well, they continue to keep their appointments, so maybe just maybe I might be getting it little by little, day by day.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts in this article! Oh, and I've read and also encouraged clients to read "Boundaries," by Cloud and Townsend. It's the Christian perspective of setting limits....AWESOME!

I am just the opposite, but in the extreme. I have the principals and not the friends. I do have two friends from work whom I hang out with but in general, I am not the popular one at family gatherings or other social gatherings. God is trying to teach me that love is bigger than any principal. I have to walk in love and while that does mean being honest and truthful even when it hurts, it also is knowing when to shut up and just listen and care. Thanks for this blog! God is working on all of us to have balance!

Thank you Carla & Becky for speaking out on being a people pleaser. I have always had the need to seek approval, even though sometimes it left me more needy.
I am working on a stronger relationship with God through prayer. And I am seeking to be the woman that God wants me to be. I am also working to live the scripture, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7).
God Bless us everyone.

I believe both women have my number. I want everyone to like me,and be their friend, even my children. I have made terrible mistakes and said I am sorry to them, but it doesnt help, I also see them doing the things I should not have done also. I want everyone to like me and I want everyone to think I need them also. Please Lord Help Me With This! Would everyone pray for me!

I too suffered with this when it came to my husband and recently it started up again with my biological mother. I highly recommend Joyce Meyer's Approval Addiction for anyone dealing with this issue. It is very powerful.

Carla story reached me, in that I feel rejected by people. I have feelings of hopelessness, of ever being able to do what God has called me to do because of rejection. My hope is that God will take this and use it to help others. He has opened my eyes to this and I know He has started the work and He is faithfull to complete it

Dear Star, I am always surprised to see an educated African American join the ranks of those who have spent their lives in the past, lynching, and enslaving them. But, as Ann Coulter can testify, joining the reactionary ranks is a much easier road to the bank, no? I have been a member of the NAACP for more years than you have life on this planet. I have seen and fought for the rights of the "underdogs' in our America; yet can you honestly state that segregation has ended in this century? Enjoy your membership in the party of reaction and oppression.

I have a male friend who I told the truth to recently. It was really hard to do. I felt I needed to sacrifice the relationship for his sake. He won't return my calls now, even though he's said he's forgiven me. I think he's waiting for an apology, but I just can't give it because I'm not sorry for looking out for his best.

I've been a people pleaser all my life even to the point of making decisions uncharacteristic of who I am because I didn't want to rock the boat. I have been praying for strength and courage and for Jesus to help me change that part of myself. I think of the verse where Jesus says, " When the time comes, I will tell you what to say." (not an exact biblical quote) I just pray that when time comes, and he tells me what to say, I will open my mouth and say it. I am currently dealing with a lot of bad consequences that I brought on myself because I was afraid to say what was right. Thanks for your article. I'm glad I'm not alone.

Joyce Meyer calls it addiction approval. I learned this a few months ago when I read the book for the first time. I think my need to please began in childhood as a sincere desire to reach out to others in need and to help as a christian should. I'm not sure when it turned into a need to please, but it did.

I became so overwhelmed and burned out with helping others within the last two years, that I prayed and asked God to help me decipher approval addiction and the need to please everyone from earnest requests for help and assistance. Most people I thought I was helping were really using me.

I thank God that He has already helped me tremendously. I have learned to say, "no" and not feel bad about it. I have learned that it's OK to put my own needs above others when necessary. I have cut back on the things I was doing for others and my mental and physical health is so much better.

Praise be to God!

It's true that we all have it in our nature to be people-pleasing - this is part of our Adamic nature...It started right in Gen.3 when Adam wanted to please his wife and took part of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil...and lo and behold - we all know what the result was...

As I read this article, I thought to myself that this need arises within me whenever I am not secure in my relationship with Christ...

The key to our enjoying the freedom that Christ has given us is in realizing that 'I am complete in Him' and I dont need to 'do' a single thing to gain acceptance...I guess this will relieve us of a lot of headache - trying to perform and meet a person's expectations when we are already accepted in Christ...

Thanks Carla for reminding me of this truth!

For me, truth wins out. But that didn't come overnight, and there is a gentle art to the telling the truth, and a not-so-gentle art to letting it go when it's ignored or worse, misunderstood.

I have a circle of women friends that will be real with me, and I'm so grateful.

Another great post. Thanks!

Suzie Eller, a fellow TCW contributing writer and friend

When you think that something you say
can build them up, go ahead to speak your mind and pray for them.

When you think that something you say
can build them up, go ahead to speak your mind and pray for them.

i am one of the people pleasers too! i find it difficult to confront people. i'd rather pretent everything is okay. even if i'm hurting i don't say. i go out of my way to please especially those i love. my boyfriend knows i can never confront him and he takes advantage of that. the more i'm quiet the more it hurts. i just dont know wat to do! i need help! i am hurting!

I count on the honest advice of my friends. I chose them as my friends because I value you their opinions. If they didn't comment about an issue of concern then they are no friend to me. That said I have to respect their comments and pay particular attention to what is said because I know it is not said litely. Especially when my very best friend has a concern, my wife.

I found this article and everyone's comments so helpful. It made me remember that I too struggle with people pleasing, and that I really need to focus on working past it. Thanks for being so insightful!

Its very funny with me, i want people to like me i get very scared and depressed if people dont like me i try by almeans not to be against any person especially in a group, because i think if one person dont like me then everybody wont like me,but i speak the truth am confrantational and people end up not liking and my struggles are with women, i dont make frienship easy with women and dont keep them long

Im a P.P. even more I cant handle confrination, if Im hurt by someone I will not say anything. Even with my husband of 20 yrs.I'm like this at home,work, & church, so much that I had stopped going to church because I felt so stressed all the time.But after I nearly took my own life did I realize how much I need help mentally& spritually,i believe i had to2 hit bottom before I would look to God for His help. He is now my healer and friend,& im getting professional help with my issues, I thought it was normal how I was feeling and living but its not. So seek help before its to late.

thank god for that article.to be honnest l have had that problem and am still going through that issue of been a people pleaser.l sometimes dont know how to say no and l have been hurt so much in the past for alllowing people to just do anythink and l dont complain.l grow up in that sort of family and if you didnt plaese you didnt get enough effection, unfortunately am still going through that. l really want to stop.

thank you for your article and it has given me more courage to seek god about this issue.hopeful next time l will be able to testfy that l finnal able to stand up if something is not right

god trully bless you

musa b/hwoo/england

hi carla i was also like what you are talking about in your story i always want to please poepleeven it would make me lie just not to make them feel bad of me .Please pray for me also to overcome this attitude of mine I felt guilt at times .

Cathy

I read somewhere that when someone is abused as a child, they tend to become people-pleasers, and often attempt to be over-achievers, in order to please their parents or others in their life. It's a psychological reaction to the damage in their self-esteem.

There is also the fear-of-abandonment component, often times, stemming from childhood fears, created by abuse or traumatic events.

I was sexually abused by a much older brother for years, as a child. I also suffered emotional abuse from a tyrannical, emotionally-distant father, who managed his family by imposing intimidation, fear, and frequent, explosive screaming. He and my mother, who was gentler, but an enabler and co-dependent, probably out of fear herself, never once said "I love you" to any of us siblings, or give us a single hug.

After a divorce, while still unsaved, I was continually emotionally abused by my ex-husband, using my children, and slandering me in vile ways, with everyone he thought knew me. In my shame, and because some people actually believed his slander and abandoned me, I left Hawaii, the beautiful state I grew up in, and never returned.

I fell into a gradually- deepening post-partum depression after my last pregnancy, which was right before my divorce, and it worsened after my divorce, as my ex continually berated me. My children, some of them now grown, were terribly affected.

Today, I'm 51, a Christian for six years, and am still struggling with people-pleasing, and its accompanying stress. I've not sought professional help, but now I'm convinced that I can't just muddle through life, without finally finding healing from this bondage.

Thank you for this extremely insightful, helpful post regarding a pain many of us suffer from, for far too long.

Today, I'm reminded that I need to cling to the truth, that "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

I am going to commit my deep-rooted problem to the Lord, and trust that He will make a way, as in all miracles He has already done in my life, and has done in the lives of others, in all of history.

There is nothing too great or too small for Him to handle for us! I just have not even thought to ask Him for relief on this, as I truly never realized it was a huge problem in me, until now.

Thank you, once again!! I love TCW's articles that bring about healing and resolution for so many in the body of Christ!! Thank you for all you do! We NEED you!!

God bless TCW's staff, contributors, readers, and everyone!!

Hope

I know exactly how you feel. I have finally found a counselor that is helping me through my lack of identity and fear of rejection. I have a hard time saying no and for fear that i am not doing what God would want me to do. Where is the line between giving and being used.

Hi I too am a people people mostly my in_laws but lately I am starting tostick up for myself and say what I think too and they think I am being hard to get along with now but I am sticking to my guns the same with my husband, all my married life someone else always came first but now I stop and think if it pleases me than I think about some one else second, it is starting to work a little bit at a time. Thank you for the artical. GYMMO

On the flip side, you must pray and feel God leading you to share what you think you should share with that friend. You could be like my mother-in-law that at every turn she shares every ounce of insight, suggestions and criticism at every possible opportunity. She says "I would never forgive myself if I didn't share what I thought and then something bad happened." You see the statement starts with I. In this case, her sharing is really about herself. Yes, she says her relationship with her family isn't as important as making sure she is heard. She is willing to risk losing her family so that we may see the error of our ways. But who says her ways are the correct ways. She needs to trust the Lord and what he has for each of our lives, even if that means we suffer heartache or disappointment. She must learn to pray for God's leading in what should be shared or what should not be shared. Saying something so she can forgive herself should hardly be the goal of someone's life. So please if you are thinking of talking to someone, pray about it first, see where the Lord is leading you to play any part in the situation and follow his Lead.

I have just the opposite problem. I will tell you the truth; whether you want to hear it or not. I have lost many friends because of that for the simple fact that there are a lot of individuals that do not want the truth. There are also some that will attempt to have you switch things around for their benefit to make them feel better; however, that doesn't work either. There are times when I used a different approach, which was asking the individual if they wanted to know the truth from me, and unfortunately, that still doesnt work; but I feel good knowing that I can speak the truth and not worry about whether the other individual will accept it or not. I believe that if more individuals would be truthful, there would be a lot less individuals that are walking around with hurt feelings.

It is article and real comments from real every day people like this that do help me pull thru the day, help me pull through discouraging moments or moments where Im kinda lose our hope and faith, moments where we sometimes lost the battles of choosing to think the dark side instead of the sunny side of life. Thank you for all of your comments and hope injection through sharing all your piece of stories, struggles, and victories. Love you all and may the Lord keep you safe, loved and peaceful. I will come to this site every now and then. I found it very refreshing to the soul of mine :)