Hi Nancy,

You just tickle me. I "get" you. I am the same when it comes to adult friendships. Perhaps this is God's way of making a point with me through your post.

I am thrilled that you are a blogger. Can I add you to my blogroll.

Praying God's powerful and wonderful hand upon you this day. Love and hugs, Lynn

A friendship like that eliminates a lot of the pressure. ;-) Thanks for your honesty, Nancy!

In 1998 I sat on the edge of my bed, crying, begging God for a mature Christian friend. Just one. I had been remarried for two years, with a family of 9, out in the middle of the country, and I was so lonely. A pastor I'd just been listening to on the radio said, "Pray specifically." So I did.

"God," I pleaded, "I want someone to call me tomorrow and invite me out for coffee."

The next day, after a meeting where my girls were learning to make crafts, the leader came over and said, "I'd love for us to get to know each other better. Could we get together later in the week for coffee?" Wow. God is so amazing!

Well, I can't tell the whole story online, but things didn't go as I'd planned. We met, but our friendship never developed. As it turned out, she needed me a lot more than I needed her. But she wasn't ready to open up because it would mean a total undoing of the life that she's desperately been trying to hold together for 20+ years. And she shut me out.

Nine years later, we still have no friendship, but God's promise is still true. Lately I've felt a stirring to reach out again. It's a little scary, but I see this huge picture that isn't anything like I thought it would be. My definition of friendship -- someone who would meet my needs -- and God's definition have been two different things.

Hi "FRIEND!"

Reading your article made my heart say "thank you" to Jesus for you. It also made me want to go "make memories" together... I really need some new shoes - wanna go shopping in Tampa or wherever they sell "Danskos" and then go eat sushi? How about June 29th or July 13th or 27th? (Those are all Fridays which I figured would be good cuz they're your days off).

I am soooo glad we're friends, and the real, giant "L" on the forehead kind that Jesus loves to put together.

Talk to you soon my friend. Love ya, Tara

I having been praying for God to bring a good friend into my life. I have realized that I am not a good friend either! I like your idea of being right up front about that. Maybe if I wipe away all expectations, I will be able to more easily make & keep friends. Thanks for sharing.

Wonderful! Glad to hear I'm not the only one in the world.

I am also a "bad" friend, and sadly, my dearest friend is a very, very good friend. She regularly calls and emails--sometimes it takes six or more of her phone calls for me to get back to her. Yet, whenever I need her, she's always there, ready to listen, and willing to offer her honest thoughts. I often wonder why it's so difficult for me to "commit" to friends, especially since it seems so easy with my family members. It's something God is working on in me.

I will be sending your blog to my gal pal, and letting her know I'm glad she hasn't given up on me--yet!

Blessings,
H

This is a really nice article. I, for one, love friends. Have you ever seen, "Waiting to Exhale" with Whitney Houston? At the end of the movie, she and her friends were all together on New Years...just them, having a good time. I cry everytime I see it. I just say, "Lord, why can't I have just one friend like that?" About 5 years ago, this girl, who was just like a sister to me, really hurt me. It seems simple and childish now, but she slept with my children's father. Our friendship ended and so did the relationship with the man. I was devastated. I didn't think they would ever do that to me. I trusted both of them. It's not hard for me to trust men and that is funny at times but I'm afraid to let a female get that close to me again. I miss her, because we did everything together, but I don't know if we could ever be like we were. I'm glad you found a friend you can share things with. That lets me know that they're still out there somewhere.

This is a really nice article. I, for one, love friends. Have you ever seen, "Waiting to Exhale" with Whitney Houston? At the end of the movie, she and her friends were all together on New Years...just them, having a good time. I cry everytime I see it. I just say, "Lord, why can't I have just one friend like that?" About 5 years ago, this girl, who was just like a sister to me, really hurt me. It seems simple and childish now, but she slept with my children's father. Our friendship ended and so did the relationship with the man. I was devastated. I didn't think they would ever do that to me. I trusted both of them. It's not hard for me to trust men and that is funny at times but I'm afraid to let a female get that close to me again. I miss her, because we did everything together, but I don't know if we could ever be like we were. I'm glad you found a friend you can share things with. That lets me know that they're still out there somewhere.

Alas! I am an emotionally high-maintenance friend who has, after 10 years solo, moved into a one-bedroom apartment with one of her best friends.
After a month, the shiny newness is wearing off and true colors are beginning to show.
I have no advice to give, only the shame of admitting that I drive someone nuts!

I must say that they are people that i instantly feel a connection to;and in that connection i will make a friendship. I do make friends easily i like people and i enjoy talking to them.Giving of my self comes so easily and that is a gift that i thank God for although at times ; you are so open that you are left to be hurt,but you have to be willing to put yourself out there and work at it.If you contiune to be honest and willing you can end up with some lasting friendships. My very closest friend i met at our youth group that was so many years ago ;seem like a life time and i remember her telling me that she thought i was a snob just by looking at me then while she was thinking that i came over and intorduce my self to her.She then went on to say that it was her first time there and my talking her made her feel at home. We are such good friends and more like sisters i love her and she loves me. Yes we do have our moments but we talk them over and move on. Thank God for friendships good friendships.

Yeah, you just described me!!! And how exciting that God would bring you a friend that had the same struggles. What makes you want to keep trying?? I have some walls up, that I am not interested in tearing down just yet. I have seen alot of hurt that relationships cause. My husband is my best friend. Do I need a girl friend??
Thanks in advance~ J :)

I loved this - this is so me. I loved your humor used in the descriptions. I seem to have many "high-maintenance" friends - or maybe they just seem that way because they wear me out - but we keep hanging out every week just the same. I absolutely believe that God is a part of each of those friendships, but I'm not entirely certain how "authentic" each feel to be their true selves with each other or me.

I am really struggling with my current friendships. Most of us have been a part of a couples small group for more than a decade. All the rest of them have been stay at home moms, and I work part-time. One friend in particular went through a real rough patch over the last 18 months, and I felt I was really there for her (calling several times a week to check in, emailing, etc), and I just came to realize the phone is only working one way. One of her parents has been sick and I discover information in the church prayer list instead of from her. I haven't called her for over 2 weeks and I am waiting to see how long it takes to get a response. I am really angry and hurt over this. I guess I am looking for a friend who thinks that friendship is a two way streeet. I don't think I am high-maintenance, but an occasional phone call to me to say "hi" would be nice. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Have a great weekend!

Hi Nancy. On speaking of friendships, I have several friends, two who are forever friends, we have known each other over twenty years or so. In church I have many so-so friends but none that know all about me. Then one day, GOD brought Brenda into my life. I have known Brenda many years, our girls played together as children, but other than saying hi at church that was all there was to me and Brenda. Then one day she joined the Sunday School class that I teach. She told how her mom , who lives with her , had alheimzer disease and she was at her wits end. In a quiet moment I told her about my mom, who passed away in 2001, and the struggles we had had with her. Thus, the beginning of a wonderful friendship that has just kept on blossoming. Is GOD great or what?! Love the blogs and the emails and your magazine which I subscribe to. Keep up the good work. Love in Christ. Kathy

Hi, Nancy,
I appreciate your comments about friendship, especially the truth that real relationship is built on honesty. As Christians we can easily feel the need to hide our imperfections, when God's Word counsels us instead to "confess our faults." Change, growth, progress, healing all starts with that: confess! We have to acknowledge it before we can change it. Thanks.

Thanks for your timely story on you and your friendships! I struggle so much in this area! I want friends, but then don't "Feel" like being friendly, talking on the phone, doing lunch...etc. I'm hopeless in this area.

I have a few friends that are just like me, so I do long to have one that does like to go to lunch and spend time together. I just can't find that one I click with! I feel hopeless!!

:(

Oh, Nancy. Is it possible to be kindrid spirits with someone online? I'll answer definitive yes! I so resonate with your "style" of friendship. I humbly invite myself into your story.

I have a "Tara" friend, too. It's a strangely beautiful friendship full of confession, irony, and blatant sarcasm at times as I describe my deficiencies. (There are so many!) She embraces my flaws and claims her own though I see very few.

Last night, she was the recipient of my dramatic explosion to a particular situation. She responded gently but firmly. What is the real issue here, Randee? Get over yourself. And...I love you. Remember Him and quit trying to control the outcome.

And, you know what? Her words of life penetrated into my soul. I awoke this morning with joy in my heart and a song on my lips.

That's the beauty of a "Tara" friend. Thank you for sharing.

i have a hard time making friends to. I am very comfortsble alone, but iget lonely sometimes.
I talke to people, call them email, send cards of all kinds. But know one emails calls
sendcard or wants to spend time with me.
When i call the we have long conversations , the emails are not returned
but no one calls are emails.

I was a terrible friend until a few years ago, when at the age of 45, my husband announced he wanted a divorce, as he was in love with another woman. Then I found that I NEEDED A FRIEND! Much like Nancy, I was outgoing and friendly, but I had no close friends, as my work was my friend. Since that time, I have developed several very close friendships, and have learned that friendship involves sharing yourself, but also, giving the friend the opportunity to share with you--kind of like two broken branches, that would fall to the ground, but if they lean upon each other, will stand. I thank the Lord daily for my friends. I also thank Him for the trials and hardships and heartbreaks, for these are the things that make me a better friend--because I can be a friend to my sisters with trials and hardships and heartbreaks, and I can depend on my sisters to be there when I need them. Friendships truly are work and require much patience and time, but fully worth the effort!

I loved your openness Nancy. I have friends I have known since I was at school - I still remember their birthdays and they remember mine. May you and Tara continue your friendship. God Bless

Since I've moved so often with my husband's work, it has gotten harder and harder to make friends. And I'm now a Yankee in the South. I can't name a friend I'd feel comfortable calling to shop or have lunch. Most of my social interaction outside of work is with people at church as we volunteer and work together. But they already have their friends and family so I still feel like an outsider. And, honestly, friendship is work and I'm ok alone. As I seek to be faithful to God, I'm praying He will guide me into a friendship that will also help me be a more spiritual woman and also help me with accountability. I'm ready for a friend and I'm praying God will send me one.

It's was refreshing to hear your honesty about being a terrible friend. I find myself too self absorbed and craving time alone too. Yet, like you I know that I desperately need a friend...a good friend. God has blessed me with a friend that I met while I was in college (~17 years ago) Through all of our turns in life, we have managed to stay in touch, even long distance. Many times I know I have disappointed my dear friend by not being sensitivie to her needs when she needed a friend. Yet, she has also dropped the ball at times in our friendship. I think that as time as passed we've come to understand that the love we have for each other will never change and that a whole lot of grace is definitely needed in order for this friendship to survive. There has been lots of forgiveness needed on both sides and forgetting the things that have passed and pressing forward. I can't begin to tell you how importatnt her friendship has been to me through the years. She is the sole person who has heard the deep, dark struggles I've had and has prayed me through. She never listened to me with a judgemental spirit, but a very compassionate and understanding one. How many people do you know that can do that? She's a rare friend and I will continue to fight the pull to be so self absorbed and isolated. Her friendship has proven to be vital...especially at the tough times of life. I can only hope I'm the same for her.

A thought provoking article. I find I have a few true friends and lots of acquaintances.

I have always had male best friends (since I was only 3 years old). My girlfriends are wonderful and I love them, but they don't get as involved in my life (and vice versa) as my male friends do. I feel there is something missing in this equation - I haven't had very successful friendships on any level. I wish someone could give me suggestions for being a good girlfriend so I can learn what I have never understood. I have never counted myself a good friend for other women.

Oh my!
So many great responses from my blog posting about being a terrible friend (including an invitation to go shoe shopping and eat sushi from my friend Tara!).

Friendships are wrought with challenges because they involve people and people are sinners. Plus, you rarely know what the other person's expectations are.

I mean, do you sit down and negotiate a contract? "We the undersigned will commit to no less than one phone call every three days and three coffee or lunch dates a month."

It's difficult to be the one who needs more than the one who either doesn't understand the need or is unwilling to meet it. Sometimes I wonder if my "Lone Ranger" tendencies aren't just a defense mechanism. If I don't put myself out there, then I won't get hurt.

But then, if I'm not willing to risk, I miss out.

For those of you who have wonderful friendships, I rejoice! For those of you who are my kindred spirit terrible friends--let's form a club!
And for those of you who are hurting, I wish I could fix it for you, but I can't. However, Jesus can. He can fix us all.

Thanks for reading! I'm extremely touched and humbled by your responses.
NK

This article hit me where it hurts. I am from the U.S., but have been living in Sweden for 3½ years. Because I have short term memory problems, the language continues to be a barrier. I need a friend so badly, but I have become isolated here, with my husband doing all of the out of home activities. I know of an English speaking church, but have not been there yet. I hope to be able to go soon, and meet someone there that perhaps will want to be friends with me. I have always had only one friend at a time...and after leaving her behind in the states, we soon lost touch. I too am a bad friend...and am so happy to know that I am not alone.

Wish me luck, and perhaps a small prayer that I find a good friend here. It is what I need to get back some of my self-confidence lost when I became dependent on a wheelchair to get around.

Thank you for this article, and I will be watching for more from you, a "soul sister" in the future!

Cathy

It's been absolutely amazing for me to read all of this about friendships. I had no idea that there were so many people like me praying that God will bring them a good friend. Perhaps we also should pray that God will make US good friends and use us to meet the desperate need of someone around us!God bless you all.

Wow, I've never heard any Christian writer speak on this topic. I had a friendship of over 10 yrs. with a Christian sister that I was always frustrasted with because this gal rarely would accept my invitations to join in fun times. I really tried to draw her out and include her in many activities, bible study invites, etc. Call me a slow learner, but I finally figured out that this friendship was mostly a one way street with me playing the role of the "always available phone counselor". One day I wrote a note to Karen and expressed what I had discovered and let her know that I would no longer be available as her phone counselor, but wanted a real friend who acted like they enjoyed my company. I've been told I'm very likeable and fun, thoughtful, interesting etc. I'm a "catch" as far as a friend goes, as long as you're not self centered or high mantenance .I felt that I had earned the right (after all those years) to speak truthfully in love and let her know what I required for a change. All I asked for was a friendship with her in person, face to face, whether over coffee, a movie, dinner, etc. If she called me it should be for the purpose of inviting me over or inviting me out. I would have more than likely continued playing the role of peer counselor if she would have a given a little on her side. Well, I never heard from her again! She was offended by the truth. Even though I'm mad to be treated like this, I miss her. She had many wonderful qualities, but only wanted a phone relationship. I still complain to God "How could she have treated me this way after 10+ yrs. of friendship?" This completely boggles my mind. My husband tells me I could have saved myself years of aggrevation if I would have confronted her years ago. Apparently some people are not willing to invest themselves into a friendship. It's all about their needs and not yours. My true friend Donna tells me we need to pray over the friendships we have and ask the Lord to protect them from our enemy. Friendships need to be nourished tenderly like a plant. Don't just "water" each other, but have the presence of mind to know when a friendship needs emotional fertilizer or even pruning of unhealthy limbs.

Janet from SW FL

This is for Cathy in Sweden..I so totally relate to what you are saying. Those of us living in a different culture with a language barrier are in a different boat altogether! My husband and I live in India. I have a lot of great friends in the states that I pick up with when we go back for furloughs, but here it has been extremely difficult. Keep trying with the language, the more you go out the more the language will come to you. Improving in the language will help but there is still a barrier and I still can't say I have a "close" friend. God knows about even these struggles!

Hello Nancy,thank you so much for being so open....i make relate with people easily but am also quite very withdrawn and so i really cant say i have friends,its good to know God has friendship plans even for me....thanks for sharing and God bless you.

I feel upon this site accident this morning--and it was God ordained. I have trouble saying and believing I have friends because they are all one-sided, me meeting their needs. This morning my best and only friend left to move 2,ooo miles away. I am so lost. I nrver thought of praying for friend that can be a two way relationship..Today I will cry and maybe tomorrow I will pray for a friend to cross my paths.

Jacki

Thank you so much for writing about an issue that obviously touches the heartstrings of so many women. I am a terrible friend and have never been able to have a lasting, true friendship with anyone in my life because I am so terribly broken. I have nothing of earthly value to offer anyone and so I have given up on friendship in the sense of a close relationship with another person. God gave me a passion and love for those who are outcasts and I am trying to focus on being a friend to the poor, needy and the unlovely. Christ, who is my strength, will fill my cup so that I may pour out His love on those who need Him. Someday the Lord may place a great friend in my path so that I can share my grief, joys, and life but until then I cannot dwell on what I do not have. It is okay that I may never have "coffee" with an earthly friend because I will have have my cup filled by the Lord as I humbly sit at His feet and wash His feet with my tears and that is worth more than any earthly friendship can offer.

My mother used to tell me "My favorite kind of friend is one who never calls and never writes", and wow if she didn't mean that with every strand of DNA! She is 60, and is deeply involved with her 11 children, but, to this day, sees other women as a waste of time.

While I'm warmer than THAT example, I see nothing wrong with being selective about who I leave myself vulnerable to. I share everything with my husband, and certainly if I were willing to do the same with any man in town, our connection is cheap and meaningless. I would say that the same is true of two women; some friendships SHOULD be somewhat superficial and distant, at least initially.

I once had a friend that I loved more than I loved my own sisters. Sadly she developed cancer weeks after we got to know each other and our friendship deepened during the painful 14 years that she battled the disease. As a struggling single parent, I needed her and she needed me as well as she was married to an unashamedly unfaithful husband. Rosie lost the battle with cancer 4 years ago, this September, 2 days before her 41st birthday. I was not at her bedside but we tried to keep in touch. I still grieve for her but I thank God for his faithfulness because the disease and her emotionally abusive marriage brought her closer to him and it was a joy on my part to watch her grow spirititually to a level that I was the one who began to look up to her despite the fact that I had mentored her spiritually a few years before. Addtionally the added years enabled her to raise her two young children to early teenage, by the time she died. I still love Rosie, and I love her babies as much as I love my own. I am committed to be there for them in the momory of their beloved mother. I miss Rosie because many times we did not need to speak, just sitting together in silence was more than enough. We even we used to have Friday date nights without the kids, we were close neighbours in the same apratment block so all we needed was to send the kids to one home while we whiled the evening away in the other. I have not found anyone like her ever since. What is worse is that for the last 7 years I have been forced by my job to live away from my home country meaning having to make new beginings everytime we move. My lesson in all this, appreciate and value everyone who comes into my life whether it will be for a short time or long time. I have also learned to develop a real friendship with my teenage son and my oversees-based fiancee whom I can only see once a year due to expensive plane journeys...

hi i thank that very specific you did to pray for, & i did too! i have a lots of freind and im also highmentainace kind of freind, into process i believe God change me.
take care!
WENG

Hey Nancy! :D Wow! I truely enjoyed and was blessed by your blog! Thankyou for writing it! It seems you've hit a "amen-type nerve" on many women who feel similar about themselves and friendships! LOL! I am a terrible friend, also. Although, I have been told I am a good friend by many, I know I have room for lots of improvement. I applaud your openess and assertiveness in reaching out and "seek a friend," at your church! What a great idea! And, how BOLD U ARE!! God blessed your effort, because you were honest with God, yourself and Tara! And in your reaching out, you exhibited FAITH and COURAGE! ;-)

Wow, this post really got to me...In all of my
adult life, I've never truly had "true" friends; I've
had many acquaintances, but never someone I
felt I could just call up, go see a movie with, just
do girl things together.....
I've prayed and asked God to bring me just one
true christian friend and I'll keep praying as long
as it takes.....It's been a very long time......

I can be my own best friend. I once wrote an article for TCW called Project Friendship, sharing how difficult it was to find time for friendship, and how my friend, Vera, and I worked around the obstacles. Yet, it's not any easier five years later. I still have to work at what comes so easily to others, and the fruits are worth it.

Love this post.

It has been very interesting to read the various posts and responses to your great article! Thanks for sharing your journey of friendships. I have a circle of people with whom I can pray and share, and they do the same. I would like to say my best friend and I have a relationship built around the Lord; which we Do, however He has pointed out to me through conviction that too much of our friendship is superficial and based on talking about others. I realize that that must change, because in essence we are not truly building each other up. Have you read the Sister Chicks books?

Great discussion!
I liked what T (Suzanne Eller) said about being her own best friend. It's a good thing to be comfortable with yourself.
God made some of us loners/introverts and some of us extroverts, and neither is better than the other.
The challenge for us loners is to force ourselves to reach out and connect with other humans, because we truly do need each other. The challenge for extroverts is to learn to be alone and not panic.

Thank you for the wonder words. I too wish that as adults friendships were as easy as when were kids. I have a few close friends and I am blessed by them. We do not talk every day or even weekly. But we are there for each other and that is what counts. My grandfather told me once that when I was grown that I'd be able to count my truly close friends on one hand with fingures left over and he was right. I think we've all had onesided friendships, I may have even been the otherside of the onesided friendship a time or two. I am thankful to God for all the types of friends he has placed in my life at different times, because they were there when they were suppose to be. I think that it is God's plan for some people to only be there for a short time, while others are there for life.

So glad I found this blog. I can definitely relate. Boy, do I remember my circle of friends from high school and college. I had 3 very best friends, and unfortunately, I don't know where any of them are now. I still miss them. Now, as I struggle with marriage and kids, I really have no one I call or lean on except my mom. I have friends at work, but no one who knows intimate details of my life. I tried that once, and a lot of my personal business made the office gossip rounds. I long for a best friend..someone I would feel comfortable sharing my problems with and who would share with me as well. I have prayed about this for a long time. I am glad to have found this blog and see that I am not alone.

Nancy, I stumbled on to this blog. I too have decided and declared that I am a horrible friend. Growing up, I was painfully shy as a result, making friends have always been difficult for me. My best friends were and still are books. I like people and have been told I'm a good friend. BUT lately, I've not been consistent in maintaining the friendships I've made. I moved to a new state 2 years ago and have not made 1 friend. I get lonely for someone to do things with, have coffee w/ or go exploring, but my shyness makes it difficult to reach out to others. This blog must be a first step to something bigger. Not long ago, I asked God to send me a friend. Thank you for being so honest. Maybe there's hope for me.
Thanks,
Jae

Oh by the way, I've never responded to a blog. I found this totally by accident. I googled a person I wanted to know more about, was routed to an article in Christianity Today and as I scrolled through the web page your posting "Diary of a Terrible Friendship" caught my eye.

nice article.
I do have close friend n i know how it felt having such wonderful like that.
Thank GOd whom never stop or losing idea to show us how He loved us by giving us people around us.

Bravo friendship!
^_^

MS Outlook is helping me to be a better friend. There were years when I was so caught up in my corporate job, that I forgot birthdays and other celebrations. I found a new friend, kind of by accident. I met her online. We were drawn to each other by the similarity in our temperaments. Early on in the fireindship, we agreed to always tell each other the truth (yes, we're the no nonsense type!). I'm glad I made that pact, for it has saved me from making a number of unwise decisions.
Prayer is a huge factor that has contributed to the success of our friendship. For that reason also, there is no jealousy between us. Jealousy can be a huge problem between so-called friends.

Greeting from sunny BERMUDA!!This blog was spot on for me. I'm amazed that so many women are challenged with friendships. Prasie the LOrd for those of you who have found your true friend. Cherish them and don't take them for granted. Even if you feel that you are a terrible friend( I know I am) be encouraged that God is not though with you and we can rest in the fact that HE will make the friendship -work according to His will - no matter how "terrible". I truly realizing that in this journey call LIfe we just need to LET GO and LET GOD. Friendships provide you an opportunity to not only learn about to others but you also learn more about yourself. Enjoy the JOurney as terrible ugly , embarassing , funny and beautiful as it may be :0)

Hi,
I just found this blog and decided to comment. Only 2 days ago, I called a lady I used to attend church with to ask if we could be prayer partners. She was so overjoyed that I had called, because she said she was asking the Lord for a person to pray with. I don't know if this will lead to anything more, because she lives in a different state, but I am willing as God leads.

Nancy,

It is amazing that I am reading this blog today! Although I am soooo far from perfect, I try to treat my friends as I would want to be treated. But it seems no matter what I do I always get the "short end" of the stick in the "friendship department"! (smile) I think my problem is, I come to expect so much out of the friendships and then my expectations are dashed! Lately, I have left the choosing of my friends to God--He knows best. But what a timely topic! And to think that I was the only one dealing such an issue.

Thank you so much. God bless you!

Gracie

I can relate to something I heard someone say several years ago, that life would be great if it weren’t for – people. But even as I think about these words, I am aware of something in me that needs to become more like Christ; after all, he came for people. Isn’t it arrogant of me to think that people should conform to my standard? Who am I?

I think the main thing that bothers me is when people expect something from me that I wasn’t intended to give. I am not a very emotional person, and I tend to think logically about most issues. So people who operate out of their emotions on the regular, women in particular, drain me. I am learning more and more how to point people to Christ for help. I may be an instrument, but he’s the music.

As I have grown over the years, I have noticed that I attract a different type of friend, one who is more emotionally stable and generally mature. Hm…since we often attract people on our level, maybe I should be looking in the mirror more. Maybe I’m not as mature as I’d like to think along the way.

I've been asking the Lord lately to help me make friends. It seems so hard, because I don't really know if people enjoy me or not. I am an American who lives in Malaysia. We go to a Chinese church, and as far as I know there is no womens' ministry going on there. The mission we are a part of here is a revolving door for people. Everyone is coming and going all the time, making it difficult to have a stable "ladies group" or group of friends. I am turning blue for a group of gals to meet with on a regular basis!
We were part of a Chinese cell group for our church for three years, but the relationships didn't seem to go anywhere, perhaps I was too culturally different, or maybe I didn't try hard enough. Anyway, making friends is scary for me, because with two little kids and a rocky marriage relationship, it's hard for me to jump out and take risks.

Hi Nancy!

I am as well one of those persons who seems not to be able to develop deep friendships. My ways in friendship is affected with my concern if the friend likes me or not. I tend to just isolate myself if I get the feeling that I'm not that welcome as much as I want to be, instead of trying to build the friendship I want it to be.

It's sad and lonely at times but that's how I am. Ever since my former best friend in high school and I separated (physically, she moved to the province), I've never been able to develop the same kind of friendship. In some ways I felt incomplete and 'unchristian' with this just because sometimes our view of a Christian is someone whom everyone could be best friends with.

Your blog and the comments as well are encouraging. God made us with different personalities for different purposes.

I pray that God will lead me to that friend who will accept and love me for who I am and I can walk my faith with. In the same way I pray that God will help me develop deep Christ-centered friendship especially with the ones I currently have.

God bless us!

I am friendly with many people but don't let many in my friend circle. I make my co-workers laugh when I say I am going to have dinner with all of my friends - both of them. I recently let a third friend in the circle and let's just say I have been tested. I am a Southerner and she is Canadian. She doesn't know what to do with my sweet charm and attention. I've learned to give her space and be friends on her terms.

You hit it on the head earlier when you said that you wondered if it was a defence mechanism. I am very protective of my heart and I know that's why I don't let many people "in". To God's glory I am opening up more and more and sharing how very wonderful He is. Sure, there has been some hurt but the good that it brings is VERY GOOD. I love Him So!

This article touched a spot within me. i am a friend who is a terrible friend sometimes and a great friend other times. i tend to give up on those who want me to do all the calling and talking. And after praying for years for that friend all women want God brought me one. He gave me a friend who I can call, who loves wholeheartedly and is ready to be there for me. I am learning slowly to be there for her and to allow her to help me grow into a better person. Thank you for reminding me we are many "terrible" friends.