I was unsure how to post a comment I had on an article in the last issue...it was regarding the birth control advice given. Please let me know! Thanks

Wow. I want to be like Beth.

I get it on a logical level. I do it on a practical level, most of the time. But how do we, how do you do it, when your husband has promised to be a spiritual leader with you and your kids, and doesn't do it? And then he wants you to initiate intimate times and focus on HIS needs? I know the answer. Just do it. It's about my obedience to God in my marriage. But I'm talking about the day to day, "being in the mood" (how do you GET in the "mood" if your spouse doesn't recognize that you're starving for affection, starving for praying together - and tired of having to suggest it, initiate it b/c it's either looking like I'm trying to be the spiritual leader, or I'm nagging?

How do you, I, we get over that huge hill? Please don't just say prayer.

I would like to articles concerning Senior wives & mothers and some of the problems with grown children & grandchildren living far away. The lonelyness older mothers feel.

How TRUE. It is "all about me" - not about how I feel or what I want, but the choices I make and how I handle my relationships!

Thanks, what a day! Just returned from seeing the movie Fireproof - think God is speaking to me, or what?

A good book for wives: :The Surrendered Wife"

Its not what you may think. Its not about losing ones self, rather finding self.

I read it , tried it and at the time I worked at the authors suggestions my marriage was very satisfying. I plan on reading it again because I have fallen back into old patterns. My husband deserves my best. In turn he is his best and more.

Read it!

I can identify with the last part of this article, as I just buried my husband this week after battling 2 different kinds of cancer over our marriage of 7 and 3/4 years. At the end, it wasn't about what I wanted or needed, but what would be best to give him as much time and chance to fight this battle. Even though the doctors disagreed at times, I advocated for what he wanted and needed, as much as possible. It was a blessing that he wasn't in pain, but his breathing difficulties were a challenge to deal with, and some less-conventional methods were employed to help him breathe easier and avoid a tracheostomy, which I knew would totally discourage him and limit his communication with us and the hospital staff. In the end, his body became tired of fighting all the radiation and chemotherapy side effects, but he had an extra 2 weeks with us that he wouldn't have had otherwise, and for that we are all grateful.

Thank you! This expresses what I promised when I married my husband to serve him. My mother said she almost stopped the wedding when she heard that. My family gave us very little chance for success. We are just shy of 30 years of marriage! It has worked because of this divine principle. That said, the day to day working it out has not always been easy. There have been times when I have worked all day and come home wondering what my home employed husband has done all day and why I have to do the cooking, dishes, laundry,house cleaning, etc while he watches TV. This is a wonderful reminder of what I am really doing: serving my Savior and Lord and in return am blessed with a wonderful loving husband (even though he doesn't see the work that needs to be done!)

WOW! This was a powerful read. I am not married but sure hope that one day it can be "all about me" in how I serve my husband...I am hoping that we find each other soon and I may seve him with love and in love...
ST, RI

I had the priviledge of serving one of my best friends the way Beth served her husband. Though that time was intended to fullfill the needs that end stage cancer demanded, I was truly blessed. God met me in a way I had never experienced. It is when we step out of ourselves and into His presence, we are given the gift of seeing our God face to face.

Wow! That't what it's all about. I do want God to say those words to me, but have always doubted I would hear them. This is clearly a choice that I make. I want to be able to say I did my best and I really can't say that at this moment.

Ginger,
For the sake of Jered's and mine relationship, it is about us. To serve each other is to serve God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength.
When we made our marriage vows, I vowed to love, care, honor, and pray for Jered.
My prayer is that every wife will realize what it means to to care for each other in marriage. Because if you care for yourselves, than you care for the marriage that God gave you.

i hated that toby keith song...but good article

I totally get what Mrs. Kolbaba is saying here. However, I would submit that sometimes we can get way off track in allowing our spouses to think that it's all about THEM because, in our efforts not to be selfish and to serve, we act like it's all about them. One of the best things I did for my marriage, after prayer and being sure that I wasn't just being selfish, was to start certain conversations by telling my husband, "this conversation is going to be about me. We can talk about your issues at another time. However, for right now we're going to talk about me and my concerns."

I was shocked the first time I did this to see how hard this was for my husband. I repeatedly had to say, "that's fine, but we're not talking about you right now. This conversation is about me." His habit and unthinking reaction to almost anything I had to say was to bring it back to him - his needs, desires, concerns, etc. Truth to be told, by not demanding that he focus on me more frequently, I had done myself, him and my marriage a disservice. Thankfully, my husband is at heart a good man and went into prayer after realizing how hard these discussions were. And he is much less selfish now than he had been before.

Husband and wife are, I believe, to be like iron shaping iron. Sometimes this means that we do need to demand (appropriately and prayerfully) more from the other. I think that the check always needs to be, as the writer here says, that we seek to serve more than we would dream of demanding.

Thank you, Ginger. That's a great way of re-looking at this. It's so easy to be self-focused. We have to be intentional about putting others first---especially our spouse. At the end of the day we find out that it really is better to give than to receive and by sacrifice and giving we get the long end of the stick.

Hi Ladies,
I feel it's normal and logic to be there for your spouse in the worst of his life and vice versa.It's all about me in marriage;yes it should be.Do not forget that if you do not love yourself first you can not love anyone else.It seems like marriage is described as forgetting yourself,denying your own needs.In times of crisis and sickness, oh yes and it is normal.But to go so far as to become a sponge bob, a possession for your husband and loosing your personality is sicking.
Many christian husbands are far from spiritual and tell me, since when did the Lord create woman without a spiritual mature heart?I do not believe in Pauls description of marriagen based on his life and experience in the Middle East where he spent most of his life.God created man and woman alike with some specifiecs.If you lack affection and romance in your marriage, then I do not understand why you stay so.Never loose your Godgiven personality.
Micheline

God bless you.
I appreciate this "Its about me" issue has been a recent struggle in my life.

I would really like to see your reading recommendations for beeing saved and married to an unsaved spouse.

Thank you Jesus for -1 Corinthians 7:13.
CJ

Hi Ginger
It must be awesome to see the impact you're making on others through this blog!

I'm in a Godly relationship, hoping and working towards marriage. We're still students but I'm in awe of the way my boyfriend takes the spiritual lead and the way he loves me. Yet sometimes, when we're confronted with something we differ on, servanthood really becomes a heavy burden for me and I wonder: is this really worth it? Why do I feel like everything that made me a vibrant young woman has to wither away in order to make this relationship work? I start feeling like both God and my boyfriend want me to deny everything that I thought was precious in me.
And yet I can't imagine a better boyfriend. He loves me. It breaks his heart that I’m so scared. I'm starting to think this is just what love is like. And I'm not sure I can do that. I feel so trapped.

Some of the comments on this article reflect a misunderstanding of the Biblical husband-wife relationship.

I would recommend books like "I Suffer Not a Woman" (Kroeger) "Women Leaders and the Church" (Belleville) which, while not dealing with husband-wife relationships specifically, give the background for some of the statements that have been used to sub-ordinate women.

I believe that when a husband (and I am one) takes spiritual leadership in a home, it is a beautiful thing, but I think that a frustrated wife who won't do it because she doesn't think it's her place is far worse than a woman who just does she feels is needed. Spiritually immature husbands won't just wake up and lead overnight, and it's unrealistic to expect them too.

On the other hand, males and females approach spirituality differently (in general), and I've met several women who have unrealistic standards for spiritual leadership.

Please note that the Ephesians 4 passage begins with: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" --- Paul goes on to give instruction about how we are to submit to one another, but submission is NOT a one-way street; when it is the relationship is not healthy.

I agree with some posters that there need to be appropriate boundaries within marriage. There are times when to take care of yourself is the best thing you can do for your spouse.

On the other hand we live in a such a self-centred society, that I think the article is a good reminder that love is much more about giving than receiving.

I have the same question as Christy (10/03 posting). That is my struggle. I don't know how to get over the hill when the man is not acting accordingly. PLEASE HELP!

Being a believer and married to a man that has not surrendered their life to the Lord makes it very difficult! After 25 years of marriage, we by the grace of God are still married, but why is it always the women that has to serve????

It seems like we get the blame when everything is not right.

We then tend to try and fix ourselves to meet their needs......WHY????

Wow, I think it says something that there's no feedback from men to this article. And cristy, my heart goes out to you women who are trying to get through to us men, and all we can do is think about our needs. As a guy, I would recommend that you keep trying to be heard. You're not nagging -- no matter what anyone says. The challenge is to do this lovingly, so that your husband doesn't get defensive and stop listening altogether.

Rebeccat's approach, saying, "This conversation is not about you; it's about me," is a good idea.

This article, which I enjoyed by the way, really caused a mixed reaction in me. I know God called me to serve my family, but he also called the man to be head of the household. I can indentify with several concerns women have listed - what do I do, how do I react when I'm the one working the full-time job, to come home and decide what dinner is, cook said dinner, get our daughter bathed, ready for bed, read to, make sure my husband isn't feeling neglected,(depending on what day it is) teach a class, and study, just to wake up 5 hours later to do it all again? We've been married 3.5 years and he hasn't been working. We argue when I bring it up. I try not to nag him, but what else should I do when he isn't listening to me or considering our family's needs? I would love to pursue my graduate degree - and he says go for it-but does nothing (as far as I can see) about getting a job. He won't pray with me, go to counseling with me, go to church with me, talk to anybody... and I do feel like bits of me are being chipped away. Am I being selfish? Am I just looking at this the wrong way?

This is for Kirsty above.

Kirsty, I don't know how to say this gently, but if you feel trapped in your relationship before marriage, it will be much, much worse after marriage. If you have to "wither away" to make the relationship work, then it is a one-sided relationship. If your boyfriend really loved you, he would be horrified that he is causing you to feel you are "withering away." If it "breaks his heart" that you're so scared, why isn't he reassuring you? It sounds like even knowing how scared you are, his attitude is "that's what marriage is Kirsty; I am in control now. Don't worry, you'll get used to it."

If he loved you, he would support you and encourage you to be the woman God created you to be. He wouldn't try to suffocate who you are and snuff you out and make you change into what he wants. God does not want you to deny everything that is precious in you. God made you that way, and He loves you and accepts you unconditionally the way you are. You are not even married yet and this man is requiring you to submit unto him. That is unscriptural.

Reread your letter Kirsty. You write two sentences back to back which refute each other. You say your boyfriend wants you to deny everything that is precious in you. Then you say you can't imagine a better boyfriend and that he loves you. I can imagine a thousand better boyfriends. One, at least, who loves you unconditionally and accepts you for who you are and isn't looking at you as raw material to remake or remodel into the woman he wants you to be. No one should EVER go into a marriage on those terms. Let him find someone else who is already the way he wants a woman to be.

I write this from personal experience. I was in a marriage like this for 25 years. I cancelled myself out to make my husband happy, to the point of cooking everything he liked and none of the foods I liked, not listening to classical music, which I love, voting for whom he told me to vote for, and so much more. It was endless. I lost myself completely, and I did it willingly because I wanted to make him the happiest man on earth. He ended up leaving me for another woman.

So as a mother would say to a beloved daughter, I would advise you to get out of this relationship before it is too late. God has the right man for you somewhere out there. Otherwise start going to marriage or pre-marriage counselling before you get married and see if you can work through these differences. I doubt if he will change though. This is not love Kirsty; it is a spirit of control. This isn't some little thing like leaving his dirty socks inside out all over the floor. This is seriously expecting you to change yourself, Kirsty, into someone else for him. A controlling spirit does not easily let go.

Seek God about marriage to this man Kirsty. I would hate to see you bitter and resentful and destroyed years down the road.

I read the article, and I almost cried. I've married for almost 10 years and feel soooo far from this. God help me to get there.

I too agree that this was an awesome article and although I’m presently single my prayer is that when the Lord brings a husband into my life I will be a godly, praying, wife that seeks to serve my husband. I’ve sent the link on to many others.

As far as the last comment by Kirsty, I just had to mention that what she says scares me a little in terms of her compatibility with her boyfriend. To me, differing on something and servanthood are two different concepts. I don’t believe servanthood is losing ourselves and who God has created us to be but serving with the gifts and talents He has given us. Yes, service may take some additional effort on our parts but to feel that ‘everything in us has to wither away’? That’s scary for me just reading it. I’ve been in a past relationship where service was definitely tough for me. Looking back on it now, I realize that it wasn’t service that I had a problem with, it was whom I was serving. I wasn’t serving in godly love but out of duty and obligation. And he was trying to change the very core of me. He didn’t love and accept me for who I was (which I couldn’t see at the time). We were definitely incompatible in more ways than one. And so Kirsty, I’m not saying that you’re incompatible with your boyfriend, but your situation is definitely something you should continue to seek godly counsel on and ultimately God’s counsel because it sounds like a very serious situation.

I want to be like Beth too, in supporting and pouring out the best to my husband and children. You reap what you sow. You also do not loose anything by doing good and loving your Husband, you gain so much. May God help me to download more from Him genuine skills of how to be a good wife daily. Thank you for this article!

in europe, marriage tend to work out a little bit better than in africa, not because the african man is not loving but because of selfishness and pride. the african man does not know how you feel most at times; he sees you as the weaker vessel and treats you as such without passion. so, in a case like this, it is impossible for that marriage to be all about you. all you can do, is to think about it and learn to tolerate him. period. but personally, marriage is about us - both partners. you dance to my tune, i dance to your tune. i love you, you love me back. i care for you, you care for me also. we're not talking about equality here but compatibility. that's it.

Thank you Rebecca for the reminder. It's true I feel marriage should work both ways and not just to think of me time when the going get tough. My sisters and in-laws always complained about me spoiling my husband. If I did not do the things I do for him out of love (even though compain silently at times), I'm sure I would be with them (sisters) on the divorce list today. I thank God every day for my husband, even though he does not practise christianity with me.

The word of God also attest to the fact of giving your best, sacrificial love. But how many can sincerely do this. everything only takes the grace and our level of God's understanding. Am almost, equally going through something similar but looking around me l can only see my self. Now you get what l mean! but l believe everything is all about God and not me

Beth thanks for the article. when i read it i felt i needed to do something in my marriage too. i felt i might have been harsh on my husband. most especially when i get home very tired i tend to think we are both tired so we needed to do the work equally. which he never does. so i do my work but i refuse him to interact me with any other programme or talk. because i feel he is just sitted watching T.V i only attend to him after all work has been done. sometimes he feels i am ignoring him and i do not care. But from to day ive felt that i will do my work serve my husband from the heart happily and attend to every programme conversation that he will bring because i want to improve my home and make it the best place my husband and children need.
Thank you Beth.

My dad just died of heart disease about three weeks ago, and I think I can safely say my mom was Beth! She served my dad in every way possible until the day he died. What a great role model I have in her.

I feel similar to some of the other women who've written. Why aren't there things like this written for men? On other Christian websites too it seems like all the responsibility is the woman's. The only men who seem to really love their wives as themselves are those who married beautiful or somehow exceptional women. Us regular looking, regular women are just the maid, roommate, cooks in marriage. I know my bitterness is wrong before God.

I resent the fact that this article promotes a certain political focus. Todd Palin hasn't displayed any more sacrifice than has Michelle Obama. She too has unselfishly stepped out of her comfort zone and has virtually become a single mother. If you support a certain candidate just say so. Don't hide it under the guise of an article that is supposed to have a Christian marital focus. For me, this article lost its value and I lost interest when I reached that part.

This really hit "home" for me. Like Beth, when I get to the end of my life, would like to stand before our Almighty Creator & have Him say to me "Well done, my good & faithful servant." So, this was a real eye-opener for me, who I also sometimes expect things from my husband, & then have to consider the question "Am I doing things in the same way for him?" Great Reminder!

I read this article with mixed feelings, i am in a marriage for last 12 years, but the biggest problem in the last 2 years have been the insistance of my husband for me to change to the person he wants, i feel he is unappreciative maybe because at my honesty in expressing my feelings, i share rebeccats way of having a forum about her, it is quiet unreasonable to be change your personality to please and the expectation to always give in and submit on bottled up feelings. My husband is a stay home dad and we have four children, he has declined completely to assist me in maintaing family by looking for a job. Am i still expected to submit and serve?

another woman who has chosen to serve her husband is michelle obama. she has put her career on hold, is devoting herself to being a wife and mom while barack pursues the presidency. each time she speaks she has so much grace and compassion for all. each time he speaks about his wife, he honors her so tenderly. truely an example of working together.

Beth is just what I'd like to be in my marriage. There are many days like now that I don't feel like doing anything for my husband. I wished he'd believe in the Lord like I do but I am pulling all the weight and am tired of it. He will never believe like me.

I have been practicing "its not about me " the last 25 years not only in my marriage relationship but also for the children. Now I am not sure its really the correct thing to do. My husband were in 4 adulterous relationships the past 18 years and my 3 childre, who have grown up, are angry with me for not taking drastic action like a divorce. They forgot it was for their welbeign that I stayed. Now I have reach the point of making a break yet this "its not about me" statement kept haunting me. Have I reach the end of the seventy time seven forgiveness or I should still give him a chance? By the way he is never repentance about his infedelity.

I would have appreciated this article if it hadn't injected partisan politics into the conversation about marriage and servanthood. Why didn't you also include Michelle Obama in your article as an example of servanthood? She is a devout Christian, mother, and highly successful attorney. Her career took much more work, time, and sacrifice to achieve than the career of Mr. Palin. However, Mrs. Obama has set aside her own highly successful and lucrative career to unselfishly support her husband's aspirations. I'm really tired of those who seem to think that one political party somehow has a monopoly on God and His wisdom. Enough already!!!

I thought of a couple of comments regarding the issue of servanthood. Yes, I agree that my place is to serve. I am doing it for the Lord and that frees me from feeling envious when my husband spends hours watching sports on TV. I'm learning to work regardless of what others do.

The other issue about husbands taking a leadership role. We have been married 49 years and through the years I became aware that being a leader is not my husband's personality style. He is a follower. When I realized that, I thought, "I can lead him into a deeper relationship with Christ by my example." That is what has happened. Praise God! For part of our marriage I did lament that he did not take charge but I started to realize that God was working on him even if it wasn't in the way I wanted. He is in a Bible Study with me and some friends and it came about through our friends. God is full of surprises!

So true. It's about how I serve my husband, not what I can get from him. Thank you for that. On the other hand, I must comment on your applauding the Palins.

What Mr. Palin is doing is NOT serving his wife, b/c he is abdicating his role as the provider of his home. Titus 2 calls women "to be keepers at home." Sarah Palin went back to work as governor of Alaska just 3 days after she had her baby, diagnosed w/ down syndrome. Her teenage daughter is dealing w/ a crisis pregnancy. She should be at home, ministering to her family - not being "served" by him as he abdicates his role as bread winner and protector of his family. Also, when a woman gets married, she is to be the "help meet" of her husband. That means, whatever his calling is, she is supposed to be there to support him and build him up. How can she do that while in Washington? The Palins are not living out their God-given identities, and I'm appalled that a Christian website would dare to honor the way they are living.

Thank you for a thought provoking article. Clearly, there needs to be a further exposition on the area of "servanthood".

There seems to be a misconception that servanthood equals doormat/a loss of self. Is this the same confusion the word "submit" creates?

What is the biblical view of servanthood? Jesus is the best example of what a sevant is... He was no door mat!

Secondly, please realise that politics is an emotional issue, and the point of the subject may be lost in using current political references (it works both ways by the way!)

Please don't leave this topic here. There is a genuine need for understanding this topic, based on the responses.

Beautiful article, an encouragement to me. I have been married for 18years and still find it difficult to understand my husband. Recently, I found out that I have been doing it all about me the selfish, negative way and that my husband is easy to understand if only I could LISTEN and be TOLERANT. He has his many negatives too which includes regular tantrums.However, the servanthood thing sound somehow to me. I think knowing and understanding your spouse is key. All other things will fall in place.

Blessed be the Lord for this topic. I agree with you totally, at times I feel I am being too committed to this view as some of my friends dont share this view.
I believe as women we need the grace of God to really fulfil this God-given role as we are accountable before God for it. Laying down our lives for our husband does not regard us as being inferior to them, our roles before God quite different and each person is accountable for the God-given role.
I bless God for my husband, because he gives all the support for me to express myself, although he cannot help his human nature of him first at times.

I realize so many people are either accusing the article of being partisan or saying that it is men who should be reading this.I however really beleive that it is really about God and what he wants you to do.God does not want you to crush your personality or become someone's rug in the name of servanthood but he does want us to have a meek and gentle spirit,which is of great price to him.Ist peter 3:4,do you really think you can develop a meek and gentle character without serving in your home with love?something to think about

Interesting thoughts.

I agree with Carole. I don't believe that the topic of submission is understood by most people today. By submitting myself to my husband, I am not giving up anything. When I married him, we became one. When I serve him, I am nuturing our marriage. When he serves me, he is nuturing our marriage. There are different things that we each bring to the marriage. Our personalities make our marriage what it is. We have not given up anything. Too many women expect their marriage to "complete" them when in actuality it is our job to complete the marriage. When you give 100% to the marriage, your husband will want to give 100% to the marriage. It is not a 50/50 deal. You are either all in or you are not. Marriage is a covenant. You don't go into it wanting to know what you will get out of it. You should go into to wondering what you can bring to the relationship.

Wow. Thanks for this article. It was great. My husband and I are speaking at a Marriage Conference this weekend and another next month.

Would it be ok to pass it on to the couples attending?

Hi, I'll be one of the husbands to comment here, particularly Christy's question about a husband who isn't a spiritual leader, because I'm one of them.

Let me first say that there are a lot of louts out there. There are "christian men" in name only but not in works or attitude.
My situation may not be like yours.

I don't think I'm either a lout or a "in name only". I work full time (my wife doesn't). I cook, clean, do laundry, wash windows, scrub floors, do homework, and bathe the kids. I don't watch TV a lot, play golf (or any other sports), or go "hang with the guys". If she ever says she needs a break, I say go (I never take "breaks"). Both she and I get many complements from other wives, and my mother-in-law loves me. I work in the church: both my wife in I have worked in our youth program (I've been told I'm pretty good at it). When the church doors are open, I'm there. I try to teach my boys christian doctrine.

Of course I am not perfect, and I have flaws and faults; too many, in fact, just like everyone else.

But, I'm not a spiritual leader. Now, I'm sure some of you are going to howl at the reason why, but here it is: My wife, since NIGHT ONE of our marriage, believes sex is not all that important to a marriage (there was no inkling of this in our dating or premarital couseling) . We have sex less than 6 times a year, the same way (ie she basically lays there). There is no passion, fun, romance or intimacy from her. I am one of those rare snuggly, hugging, touchy-feely romantic guys, for all the good that it does. For example, in the space of 6 months recently, I asked 2x a week, which I do not think is overasking (I'd be happy with 1x a week). In that time, we had sex 4 times, and 3 of those were accompanied by "eye rolling" each time. The rest were rejections. My favorite was "I think the dog doesn't feel good, so no."

We have been to counseling with our Pastor and his wife, where she basically said, "He's a man, and she's not me", so no go there. All the books, speakers, etc say that sex, while not the be-all of marriage, is an important aspect of it. If it's ignored, it can damage your marriage. "That's just not me", is what I hear. "God made me this way".

I know this sounds like whining. I know I have a happy marriage otherwise. We are good friends. Our children are great. We have a nice home. We have a great church and good friends. Our in-laws are friends even, for pete's sake.

I have prayed for over 16 years about this. I have read every book I code find. I am at the point that I think God either doesn't care, or this is to be my lot in life. My doubts increase each year. I feel pressured to cheat, lie, and leave each and every day.

So, in relation to my "spiritual leadership" I would ask you: think about what this does to a man. It beats him down. It gives Satan a way to tempt him, to get his mind off of everything else.

So, before you start complaining about your husband's lack of spiritual leadership, look really hard at yourself. You are to be his helper, right? Are you doing something, anything, that would hinder this? If you aren't, good. Or not doing something that is needed to be done? If you don't, good.

Look at yourself first: the beginning of any Christian is this: obedience to God's word it all things (ALL THINGS), REGARDLESS of what anyone else is doing. Think of it: if you had a snarky neighbor, would you say "I'll show them Christian love once they stop being a jerk"? I don't think that is biblical. It should be "I'll show them Christian love DESPITE them being a jerk." Why is not the same applied to husbands (or wives)?

I know that this also applies to me: I love my wife, despite they way she has hurt me. I don't want a divorce. I treat her with kindness, still send her love notes, buy flowers, call her beautiful, praise her in front of other people. While we have battled about this, for the past 5 years I have "just let it go", no nagging or pressure, with the hope that God will work on her hard heart. I do try to pray with her, but it is very, very, very hard.
It is a work in progress. But it has been so long, and I am getting tired, and there has been little to no progress after almost 20 years, and I am so very very lonely.

Sorry to ramble.

Wow!! That sure is some read. I have been married for 24 years now but am not sure if I do give and serve my spouse the way I should. Sends me into doing some hard thinking!!! I hope a better me will come out of this retrospection, loose myself in service to my spouse - the way it is meant to be!! Beth was great. Thanks for this.

What do you do when your spouse is meeting the needs of his children from his first marriage, as well as the needs of his ex-wife. In the mean time, neglecting the needs of me his second wife and our 15 month old daughter? Addressing it with him doesn't help. He says that he'll do whatever it takes to meet the needs of his children (that is the ones from his first marriage). He says that he can't help that I feel neglected by him. I feel that I have done everything I can to meet all of his needs and at the same time, losing myself. I'm tired of fighting. I want to be a good rolemodel for our daughter, teaching her that she can be strong and loving at the same time.

It's really all about me. I am accountable to God for how I react to whatever marriage and life is dishing out to me. I enjoy my marriage the most the times I focus on pleasing the Lord in my actions and reactions and not on how my husband acts or reacts to me. Granted, he is a Christian but he doesn't always do things the way I think a Christian should do them but I pray and ask God to bring him to that place. That way, the burden of trying to 'convert' him does not lie on me and I enjoy his personality the way he is.

Thanks for such a though provoking article.

For those of you who have asked questions about your husband being a spiritual leader and for those of you who have talked about sex beign such a central part of the deal--this is for you!

The bible does say that as women we should be looking to our husbands for them to be the spiritual leaders of our home....but frankly if your husband isn't doing it, you better step up. Your children and you need to stay connected with your creator or your marriage has NO HOPE. If your husband is unwilling to initiate prayer time, bible reading time, or going to church or connecting with other believers then it is your duty to step in so that your children have a role model to follow. And yes--continue to pray, you never know what will be the changing factor in your spouse. Like a previous poster said, you do need to review what you are doing in the relationship as well and be the example to your husband as what he should be to you.

SEX is a HUGE issue in marriage. IT is NOT a SIDE issue. So those women who may think that their husbands are out of their mind to desire sex like they do, need to do some researching about how men think. I HIGHLY recommend looking into "Laugh Your Way To a Better Marriage" This is an amazing marriage seminar and one session is about sex. You can check out clips of the seminar on youtube or at laughyourway.com There is also a LYW book available and the seminar on DVD at the website.

Continue to seek God as the binding tie between you and your spouse. He is the only thing that will make your marriage last. It will not be easy, it will often be a struggle--but you made a commitment to this person and to God and God deserves for you to do whatever you can to keep that commitment.

I sooo desire to change the way we all see marriage in our society today. It is not something that we can just get in and get out of---Let's as Christian women make it our goal to change how the world sees our marriages. Right now a Christian marriage has no different divorce rate then a non-christian marriage--there is something wrong with that. Let's be an example to the world!!

Thanks for the article--it was great!

Rebecca

Wow! I totally agree with Callie. I thought I was reading my own life. I give and give all in the name of Jesus. But there are times I wonder "what about me" When will he ever get the hint to serve me as well. But then I go back to serving him because that is what God wants. If I focus too much on the negative I will become bitter and allow Satan to control my thoughts, therefore; being in my 3rd divorce. I pray for my husband daily. To be the man God created him to be. Not the man I expect him to be or the man he thinks he wants to be. For him to one day totally surrender to God

John,
My only advice for you is to lead anyway. You will please God by doing what He has called you to do dispite your wife or anyone else. Be the spiritual leader God has called you to be and do it "as unto the Lord". He will bless you for it.

But what do you do to keep your mouth from shouting your feelings and lashing out? Got meds and going to individual counseling. More advice on mental illness concerning God's directive for our lives please.