Moving on is a challenge that the Lord is teaching me also. I have been all too quick to entertain thoughts that are devistating, and unhealthy. I am learning to do better, with God's guidance and grace. My hubby has also been a great source of encouragement in this regard.
But I yearn for the day when all of this will be shed away, and we will stand in His presence, no longer scarred with sin. Until then, Stay strong, and keep writing from your heart.

Negative emotions and feelings are everywhere. It's all to easy for me to sit on the pity potty when I remember the sad things in life. Sometimes trying to change that mentality seems impossible. But through prayer nothing is impossible. Through remembering the blessings of our father we can reset.

Jane,

Thank you for writing about self-pity. If you or anyone else have any ideas on how I can help a friend who is living in self-pity daily, reminding herself of what she doesn't have - SHE IS CATHOLIC, BUT HAS NO INTEREST IN BEING A BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN, I would appreciate your input. - Of course I pray for her salvation. I seem to be her only friend. She lives right across the street from me, and now relies on me to do many things for her. Many of these things are real, as she is temporarily disabled, but as I said she lives right across the street from me. HELP

Elizabeth

I'm single and I sometimes have pity parties too. I start thinking about what I don't have and what it seems like everyone else in the world does have except me. That's when I have to think about what I'm thinking about. Instead of what I lack, think of the blessing I do have. A good job, my own home, good friends, a schedule that's all my own, and a continuing closeness with God. I remind myself that He is sufficient. It's about surrender, something I'm still learning to do on a daily basis.

Recently, I've become aware that when I wallow in self pity, I am like a clogged pipe closing off the availability of the Holy Spirit's work through me. If I stay open to God, focusing on Him and ask for His help, I can be a conduit through which He can work.

I am engaged and a couple of months ago, I found out that my husband to be is struggling with something only God can deliver him from. At first I was hurt and I swam in a pool of self-pity but as we have been in counseling and much prayer God is showing us how much He is with us. I know now (my pity made me forget) how dear we are to God and if we trust Him, He is faithful and He can restore relationships. I/we are learning how to trust Him day by day/step by step.

Jane, this post was very timely for me. A couple of weeks ago, something was said to me that really hurt. I worked through the forgiveness process but have fallen into the trap a couple of times of rehashing it in my mind -- like you said, picking at the wound. When that happens, I'm trying to recognize what's happening (the enemy trying to trip me up!) and say "no" to the thoughts and move on. God has given me grace time and again -- I need to extend it to others.

My heart goes out to everyone who struggles in self pity. This year has been a very emotionally difficult year for my church, my family, and myself. Not only was I in a dark place, but so were many of my friends and family. It was hard. I was reminded today of the Greatest Commandment...To LOVE God and LOVE people. Somehow, that brought me to attention spiritually, reminding me it's not just about me. I was also reminded of 1 Thess. 5:11 ...to encourage one another and build each other up. When we get outside of our own skin, totally yielding to the Holy Spirit, and view others with love, somehow that helps us deal with our hurts. Leaning on Him is the best medicine. Praying for those who wronged or hurt you is also important for healing. I had a friend who visuallized throwing the person and problems that hurt her over a fence - God was on the other side of the fence. Prayer is so important. If you are a friend of someone who is suffering in self pity, praying for them is best thing you can do. Trust God to reveal opportunities to help in healthy ways.

Wow, I can relate to the "self-pity" mode. For far too many years that was me. But as I focus on HIM, God is working so much out of me. One thing I have learned, it is not all about me as HIS child. Also there is a choice to be made and it mines to make, move on girl. When I think about all the time wasted after the healing should have been set for whatever I've seen my need to repent and ask for God's help for to me "stay"- Stop Thinking About Yourself and move on with the life He wants for me, life abundantly and one that glorifies HIM. After all we are not our own but His. Release it all to HIM! Blessings

There is a situation at work that often causes me to feel exactly the same way. There is a co-worker who has not been in this position as long as me and who I still have to give input on the particulars of the job. She is now being placed on the fast track for promotion. I have to remind myself that God is ultimately in control and that as long as I do my job to the glory of God, he will look after my interests.

Self-pity is not to be confused with honest dialogue about an on-going situation. Moving on makes sense to us when it comes to letting go of the past. However, what about the real pain of the present? David encouraged himself in the Lord. Letting the Holy Spirit rule over our hearts and minds is the only answer for moving on amidst the storm. Sometimes all we can control is our commitment to remain in Christ-- it is His peace that can keep us moving forward through the tempest of trials. Because our peace is based on a Living Hope that is not subject to circumstances.

Thank you, thankyou. My husband and I are at loggerheads and I keep wallowing in the wounds of the past to get back at him. I want to move forward but part of me wants to wallow and its that part that I want God to totally get rid of. Thanks for starting me on track again...

Wow- that was timely. Thank you for your insight. I'll be calling a few parties off as well!

Jane, this was really helpful to me. My friend & I have been wallowing in self pity since we're both in our early 30's and still single. But focusing on God's goodness and encouraging each other has helped us a lot. I'm also reminded I haven't been thanking God everyday instead of complaining and focusing on things that are not. Focusing on our everlasting, omnipotent & all-powerful God should bring our worries in the right perspective. Thanks

Please, please, listen to your friend, and let her know you are praying that the Lord will release her hurt and the love she felt. I was married to my first husband, my high school sweetheart, the love of my life, and after 25 years of marriage he left. I went through the self pity, but had a friend that was such a help, who had been down that road too. She told me she would pray that the Lord would take away the love and hurt, and He did!! It wasn't instantaneous, but a process over a few months. When I think back on the first few month after our separation, I am embarassed for putting friends through my tirade, going on and on about what a jerk he was. My friend's prayers and her telling me what she was praying, helped me to get past that. I have repented of the self pity, and the Lord has blessed me ABUNDANTLY since that time. He did have something much better in store for me!!

Dear Elizabeth who has the friend across the street: You have done a good thing to help another human that is in need. You have also done a good thing to ask for intervention now before you are doing everything to disenable her. But before she had you she had to make do another way....Anyway, what i want to say is that you can still use her backround, however much it may be, to revive her insight into Christ. Do it! When she complains to you stop and say, "Even though we have practiced our faith differently we can pray together and explore our needs and thanks in prayer. Let's bow our heads and pray." If she is really in desperate need of help from God she will instantly agree. But if she just wants you to help her and nothing else, then she will back off from asking you to help her. Especially if you come on all the time wanting to share spiritually. Insist she accompany you to church. Or her church. Just because she is disabled doesn't mean she cant have an active life with Christ. You can watch and see what happens. It seems as though you have or are soon becoming the enabler for her to become more needy than she need be. ---Nic

I am going to give you my home address.
I have been thinking about this for a long long time. And Praying about it. But I Keep going back to the same thing. And I heard myself saying. Cheryl you need to move on. And try new things. If it does not worked out. You can say you tried.
I am 54 years old. And I like helping others. But I am finding. I am also geting tried of it. It is like I will help anyone. Always. But I looked at me. And say. What about Me... And what do I want out of Life. If someone asked me. I do not know what to say to them. I have Pray about it. And I am Thankful for what I have. I do not like bringing new things up in my Life. But I like to check them out.
I am not sure why. I do not have a lot of friends. I have a good friend we have been friends for over 35 plus years. Our Life is not the same. But we see each other. She does her thing I do mind.
Please help me to know how to help myself without being. Over I told you so.
I like feeling happy with myself. And my Life. I have came a long long ways with.
The Lord Blessing and help.
But I need to get out of this middle ground. And moved on and keep feeling good about myself with His Blessing.
Please help me. Thank you.

Yes Jane... I am your friend on the phone. My husband and I seperated last year and I cannot seem to move on or let go of the hurt and anger. At times I feel I am angry at God. I tried to pray about the situation but felt that I couldn't take it anymore. Did God want his child medicated (antidepressants), angry, hurting daily or did I give up on the situation to soon... or was my husband not God's best for me? It is a very confusing time for her. Going through divorce (which is a first for me), it seems one has to completely stop, let go and let God. It is easier said than done I know because I am on an emotional roller coaster daily. It is great that she has someone like you to talk to, to listen and give her positive encouragement. I am really trying and believe me it is like the scripture says "I know the things that I should do but I don't", but I am trying daily to make positive changes and not dwell on the hurt, anger and unforgiveness. Be patient with your friend and please keep me in your prayers as well.

Thanks,
Pam S.

I agree that the 'pity parties' are not good and that I should concentrate on my blessings and not the 'what I don't have' feeling. But I do have those days when I just feel so lonely. I have been in that bad marriage and was divorced nearly ten years ago. I have not had a date or even a nudge. I do wonder what is wrong with me. I just read an article in CS-Aug 2008, Blessed Reassurance, and that was me to the end. I have great friends who tell me I am attractive (I just lost about 52 pounds) and that I am fun to be around and a great friend, yet no dates. I know that God is there for me, but I still fight these feelings.

Many helpful things have been said in the letter and in response to it. But do not overlook the value of counseling from a trained Christian professional. I believe it is a kind of false pride that keeps people from seeking this kind of help, or even from taking medication such as antidepressants when it is necessary. I am not advocating that anyone stop being a good friend or supportive Christian. I am merely advocating for another approach to helping with emotional suffering. Good Christian Counseling Centers are out there if you look around for them. Also, secular centers often have practising Christians on their staff who don't hesitate to let this be known. I know because I work at both kinds of places. Our God provides us with what we need in many ways if we are open to them. Judy

I understand what you are saying, and I agree. However, sometimes some people's pain is just too much to bare alone. And it takes all the rehashing to finally come to the point, where you can put it all aside and go on with life.
My beautiful daughter emailed me one day, and told me she was getting a sex change at the end of the month. This was very unexpected, and sent me into shock. If the police had shown up at my door and told me that my daughter died in a sudden and horrible accident, I could not have been more in shock. And to make things worse, there is no closure to this kind of pain. And not knowing what to do. And being torn down by her, for all the good things we ever did together in our lives, and that terrible language she used. I just couldn't believe this was my daughter or that this was happening. How do you wrap your head around this. She used to be such a good Christian, and we were the best of friends. She wouldn't even listen to her one and only sibling.
I enlisted a couple friends from church to pray for us and for her. And they called and emailed to see how we were doing and how our daughter was doing. My daughter won't even speak to us now... as she doesn't want any "negative" thoughts, to stop her going her own way. I eventually had to ask my doctor for medication. Yes... sometimes the emotions need meds too. Not just other illnesses in the body. Until I can get over the main shock of it all, anyway. I feel it is impossible to see my daughter as a man. However I keep praying that God will give me the emotions and the feelings and the thoughts he wants me to have. At this point, I feel he is just saying... let her go for now. And I have peace about that. I pray also that he will give me the words as well, should he bring her across my path again, or desire me to reach out to her once more.
However... no one can really feel the pain and anguish that another goes through. And having a good Christian friend there, just to listen once in a while, no advice is needed, just listening... can go a long way in helping the hurting to put things in order in their minds, and start to heal. I don't look at hashing it out as picking open the wound... I think of it as CLEANING the wound. It's like shattered glass or gravel, or shrappnel in a wound. You take some out and think you have most of it.. then more comes to the surface, and you have to take it out. This may happen over and over, until it is all out. Until then, it just keeps festering and coming to the surface.

Jane, a "setback" and "God-given course correction" are not quite as severe as a betrayal/divorce. Before you "inaudibly" sigh, you might want to audibly thank God that you haven't experienced the same thing that your friend has. If you had, you might be a little more willing to listen and a little bit more compassionate. By being able to talk to someone who loves her, your friend is working through the healing process. While you're wanting her to "get over it" so you can talk about your vacation, etc., she's bleeding.

Thanks a lot Jane. You made me feel much better. Now I know better. Self pity has been a constant companion for sometime, but right now I give it quit notice.

After my divorce, I went into a deep, deep depression. I was just feeling really sorry myself, for the longest time. After awhile, I realized that I had let all that negative emotion get the absolute best of me... mind, body, heart and soul. I was a mess. I found a wonderful book, Becoming the Noble Woman, by Anita Young. It spoke of �Rebuilding the Temple� - to submit your body to God for Him to rebuild the way He wants it. It emphasized Luke 10:27... �Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind.� It explained that when one aspect is out of balance the other three suffer and can affect your mind and your perception of wisdom. I forced myself to look in the mirror and take inventory of all that God had given me. I felt Him, breathing over my shoulder, showing me all the beautiful elements He had given me - the splashes of green in my eyes and the sophisticated lines of wisdom around my eyes. He then reminded me of my two beautiful kids, my home, my health, my animals, and everything else He blesses me with - everyday. For that moment, I was quiet and I listened. I heard Him tell me that He will never forsake me. What a high that moment was. Nothing else could compare to that feeling.
Everytime I start to feel bad about being a single mom, or worrying about where the finances will come from, or stress that my ex isn't supporting his kids in anyway, I set my sight back on Him and I remember again Luke 10:27... �Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind." I know He will do the rest.

This is to Catherine,

My prayers go out to you and your daughter. I cannot imagine the pain and emotions you must be feeling. Try to remember that the Lord has a plan for us all, as He states in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you..." even for your daughter. We can never know what our children will do once they are own their own, we can only do our best to give them a solid background and the Lord's word. Then we hope and pray that no matter what, they will come back to Him. Please don't be so hard on yourself, or your daughter. It is a tough, brutal, and confusing world. Stay with her, even in the darkest moments, just as He stays with us no matter how sinful we are. She needs you, for you are probably her only link to Him.

You are in my prayers.

God bless.

To Nic

Thank you for your advice. I will try it.

Elizabeth

Thank you. Praise the Lord.

3 yrs. ago,a couple I have known most of my life,were in a car accident,he died,she was Ok,their daughter,my best friend,and her sister died 20 yrs ago in a car accident,I reached out to this woman for the first time and we expressed how much we meant to each other and that we wanted to be part of each others life,at the same time my mother was dying of cancer,another friend died,I fell into deep grief and depression and I became very clingy and smothering to this woman that was like a mother figure to me,well she grew tired of my smothering and pushed me away,we havent spoke in 2 yrs and I have apologized profusely during that time,by e-mail and letters,but while she said she is not angry ,she told her best friend to tell me,she has not tried to talk to me in any way,so painfully I have decided to give up and walk away

This blog was just what I needed. I am a survivor of domestic violence and was diagnosed with PTSD roughly about a year ago. I recently found myself having one of those blasted parties myself till I went to church on Sunday and poured out my heart to one of my trusted friends. She gently reminded me that I am no longer that same person, how God has changed me and he loves me and will stand by me through this storm. (An incident occurred with my landlord that evoked a lot of the old trauma. ) It made me realize that I had stuffed 16 years worth of wounds from the abuse I had endured. When the feelings would try to surface, I would repress them and tell myself I would deal with it "later". Now I realize God is telling me that I have repressed it long enough and I need to deal with them NOW. He is gently and lovingly guiding me through this process and reminds me that He never left me(although it felt as though He did) and He will never leave or forsake me. At church that day, just to show me what I needed to do, He put on our pastor's heart to have us sing Blessed Be the Name of The Lord (one of my all-time favorites) It blew my mind that the Creator of the Universe would take time to look at me in the sorry state I was in. Blessed Be the Name of The Lord in all circumstances!

Jane:

I love how you put this: "seeking the salve of others' affirmations to make me feel better" because I am a regular collector.

What a word in due season!!!!.Thank you

A recent incident threw me back to the pit of self-pity, a pit that I had thought I was truly delivered from. The incident made me realize afresh the fact that my husband has and exhibits a very low opinion of me even though I deprive myself to make ends meet as the breadwinner for the family. I've always known this and had managed to live with it for almost 18 years. Reading your article reminded me I don't have to dwell in the self-pity pit, but I should keep my eyes on the Father's love, whose thoughts of me are of good.

This information is very helpful.

the need to get things off one's chest is very real and it's so much easier to rant to a friend, receive immediate salve than lament to God sometimes. God also places Jesus with skin around us for us to depend on in the form of good friends and family:)

I AM REMINDED....
I am reminded of Hanna, a devout woman who desparately wanted, yearned for a child- in the midst of a society who valued women for the male children. Her name, and the name of her child now lives throughout the centuries...

I am reminded of Leah- Oh yes, she knew she was not the one Jacob loved. Look at how she named her kids...Imagine, eating with, worshipping God with, sleeping next to a man who does NOT prefer you. Does NOT love you- laying there knowing he wants to be with your family member. I am reminded. The Lord DID bless Leah mightily and while Rachel's children are also blessed and mentioned, I am reminded that Leah was also remembered and blessed by the Lord of Hosts.

I am reminded of the woman who had to endure the nidah [ period separation] from society for decades but Jesus remembered to heal her when she reached out by faith..

I am reminded to.....
Have Faith and,
Stay Strong......