Thank you. This was timely. Things have been building and I exploded in anger. I thought I had been letting go of those little hurts, preceived insults, etc. But they had accumulated and now I am trying to mend things. My question is how do I let go of those things so that I'm not go off like Krakatoa?

Thank you so much. I also struggle with wanting to be "nice" all the time and then getting out of control over the smallest things. I'm glad I'm not the only one who daily needs God's grace to help me with my anger over real or perceived "injustices".

Thank you. I recently went through a betrayal and divorce and have had a hard time letting go of the anger towards my husband and his girlfriend. I was hurting my son and myself with my anger and couldn't seem to let go. I'm not sure how it happened, but it's gone now.

Wow, this really made me look inward at myself. Just three days ago, my boyfriend teased me about a "tantrum" I threw (I still think he was exaggerating) because in his helpfulness, he threw my plans off kilter. In hindsight, I have to admit that no great disaster took place; shamefully, it was all about a boiled egg. Could I get any more petty? Fortunately, I know God's not through with me yet. The pruning continues.

I was just fuming over something just before I received this article on-line. My husband and I own our own business and we have several customers that are taking a long time to pay us. I was sitting in front of my computer looking at our accounts receivable thinking of all the ways I could "get back at" these people. Thank you for reminding me what is more important and that my righteous wrath can so easily turn into sinful anger! Thank you for this, it was very timely!

I find our mental distortion and frustration occur most when we are tired and failing to live in the "now". When things upset us it is good to learn from our mistakes, etc. But yes, we must ask ourselves if it's our ego that's getting in the way. A lot of times, things dissipate when it's our ego. When we can't control our plans we need to let go and let God. Sometimes good things come from not having our way but HIS will. :)

It must be nice to have a deck and be able to afford to have it professionally stained and sealed.

Amen Sister. You are preaching to the choir. Last week I was right there with you. I had to let it go and let God. I had to recognize my anger and frustration over things which are not in my control and pray, pray, and seek God.

"Anger offered me the illusion of power in a situation where I felt powerless"

Great insight! I'll be chewing on that for awhile! I still hope your patio gets done...

Thank you, Jane. Your column comes to me at a time when I, too, have been wrestling with anger, and you helped me to realize that I, too, have been facing a cumulative effect without being aware of it. I, too, am embarrassed to admit how small it makes me feel, and how unworthy of my calling as a Christian, let alone as a pastor! I have confessed my anger, and have resolved to face it more squarely and with greater humility. (My problems also pale in comparison to the flood-ravaged Midwesterners!)

I know what you are talking about. I retired one year ago with the expectation that we would embark on our planned retirement adventure, but my husband said he had a little more work to do. For four months he kept telling me, "a couple more weeks" and then it was all winter. Summer has returned, and once again the date is in limbo, and he becomes severely agitated when I ask. I actually did the krakatoa thing a couple of months ago, and he made all sorts of promises. To no particular avail. In every other way, he is the man of my dreams, my best friend. I finally realized that our relationship is more than this objective, and I'm shutting up. I have taken on other projects, trying to let God lead me to what he really wants for these days. That, of course, is the real issue. Not what I want, but what God wants. I'm learning.

Thank you for this insight into why a person could be angry. You said anger can give a person the illusion of power when they are powerless in a situation. I have been asking the Lord why a friend of mine is angry all or most of the time and I think that is part of the answer. Her family did her wrong, but not the rest of the world. Any ideas how I can help her see that she doesn't need to spend her energy being angry almost all the time, without her ending up angry with me for gently pointing this out to her?

Elizabeth

Thank you for your real emotion and Christian perspective. You've put words to my feelings - frustrated over a home renovation that has lead to more renos - which ... my thoughts go down the "if only path" and there goes my energy and the enjoyment of life.
So thank you for this reminder - that all of this is an opportunity to live with God in the middle of life or live with all energy burned up in anger.

How so very timely! Thank you Lord for the reminder.

How ironic I would read your story today of all days; for it was today that my son was scheduled back to the orthopedic clinic for a routine follow up after his knee surgery six weeks earlier. We were with fingers crossed that my son would be released back to playing sports. And after six weeks of having my son confined to inside activities it was akin to keeping a tiger in a cage. He was certainly ready to stretch his legs.
So as we happily trotted off we were expecting good news. Only upon arriving to the clinic site things appeared to be amiss. Our first clue, the waiting room which normally would have been bustling was ominously empty. Tapping on closed glass receptionist's windows in this strange ghost town we were looking for someone, anyone. We finally happened upon the only soul in the place whose surprised look gave away that they were not expecting patients. It was then we were told that the clinic was moved to next building. So off again we went as I muttered something about how it would have been nice for someone to tell me they moved.
Good thing I believe in being early, otherwise I would not have made it to the appointment in time. I arrived with my son in tow to the new building with two minutes to spare before our scheduled appointment time. I signed my son in, sat down and proceeded to read some articles I had printed from this magazine. I felt really positive. Nothing was going to go wrong. But boy was I wrong. Forty five minutes later I am wondering ‘did I miss my son’s name?’ Is it possible to be sitting in a waiting room and not hear your name? So I inquired. No, they hadn’t called my son to see the doctor. We were next in line and it would be about twenty minutes.
Okay, I really felt like I had waited the appropriate amount of time, but what could I do? It was only going to be twenty minutes more. Nervously I wrung my hands as the time ticked by. Forty-five minutes later, with knots in my stomach and tears in my eyes I politely approached receptionist’s area again. In the calmest fashion I could muster up I asked why we were still waiting. They didn’t have an answer. This made me really hot. So as I was fighting the urge to lose my mind I asserted that I left my job for this appointment and that I was expected back already. I explained how I get docked, not paid, for the time I am not doing my job. I further explained that there was potential risk of being let go due to being away for so long. I also reminded the receptionist that I was on time for my appointment and that I would have appreciated the same respect shown back.
The receptionist disappeared for a brief time and upon her return explained that it would be an additional thirty five minutes before my son would be seen. Head spinning, and no longer able to maintain control I excused myself to the parking area and called on the phone for a supervisor. But to no avail, I only left a voice mail. But the waiting room was buzzing when I returned as other parents turned to me, asking about the wait time. What can I say, I was honest. I had been there waiting for more than an hour and a half.
Suddenly, my son and I were escorted to the back and seated in an exam room. I felt an instant wave of relief; we were finally going to see the doctor. But as time passed I caught on to what was really happening. We were removed from the waiting room as to not start an uprising. My son and I sat in the six by eight cell, I mean exam room, for another forty minutes before the moment we had been awaiting arrived. Then the doctor asked my son “how do you feel?” and “can you do a deep knee bend?” Then he wiggled the knee area a tad and said; "yup, you can play sports again." Five minutes. It took only five minutes. We waited more than two hours for five minutes. My son elated to hear what he had been longing to hear for weeks, while I only wanted out of that building. This whole situation stole my joy; I couldn’t even share with my son his wonderful experience.
Now granted throughout this whole ordeal I never said anything I would later regret and I never allowed my voice to be raised. But I obviously had a difficult time with the anger issue. I allowed this to get to me to deeply. I allowed it to ruin my day. All I wanted was to be treated as a person, the same as any other person in that waiting room. I, too, struggle with the righteous wrath vs. the sinful anger thing. How do we keep from becoming a door mat as we are “turning the other cheek?”

I too get angry with my husband who is reaching 60 and loves to nag. Once he starts, won't stop. He has high blood pressure and also diebetics and I console mys elf that due to that he is what he is. But it is so hard when he is a non believer and is not willing to accept any of my sharing. What he says is right and that gets to me. I don't think I can change him but how can I change me and to be quiet when he rents and to to bless him when he is in one of those modes and not to be upset and angry? Am still praying over the matter

I too found this blog somehow comforting when I found myself "losing it"almost when I learned that the appt. with the phone company to install my phone (that they missed yesterday after I left work 3 hours early to be home on time!), had once again been put off by them. I too felt powerless to do anything, felt lied to, frustrated beyond belief and still find myself without a phone. When they said the next appt. would be 11 days hence, I nearly went off the deep end - but realized that was only on the inside. If I was a volcano I would have erupted, but the harder thing was expressing my frustration without anger - it certainly was the not fault of the person trying to help me! How is it that people do not keep their word - and have no shame at not doing so? However, I just kept apologizing to the person on the phone about my frustration.... she was understanding and I recognized that the maturity being displayed was not my own, but that of Christ and without Him, I would have truly spewed out anger. It helps to recognize that WITH Him, I am now different and controlled even when I feel the situation is out of my control How much worse would I be without Him? Is it our age ladies? Is it the stresses of life? What truly causes us to almost explode (and certainly do so inside) at these inconveniences? For in the scheme of things they are small but in the present moment they loom SO large? I too recognize it all as being an accumulation of "things" that have been building and over which I have little control.. It's always helpful to know I am not alone in these growth moments. Thanks for those of you who took the time to post your stories of similar emotions. Perhaps Christ is at work after all to change us into His image - even when we don't feel we are at all like Him!

I loved this article--such an important look at issues we deal with every day. I write a weekly column for our local newspaper. Below you will find my experience with a similar situation. Maybe someone will be blessed from this perspective, too.
Thank,
Kim Bunton

Coping With Grace
Sitting in the customer lounge area at the Toyota Service Department, I wait for the repairs to be completed on my mini-van. The area is comfortable with plenty of seats, some vending machines and a TV. The air-conditioner is working nicely on this hazy, hot and humid Midwestern day. A salesman just strolled through the area attempting to engage me in small talk. “Well, it’s pretty nice in here”, he said cheerfully, contrasting the waiting room atmosphere to the muggy, grease-laden space behind door number one.

Keeping my nice-girl face, voice and words in perfect control, I smiled and politely agreed—hoping he would go away. I didn’t want him to stay. I might be tempted to tell him what I was really thinking—the room is smoky, I like Coke- not Pepsi, the magazines are ancient, the floor is dirty and someone should pick up all the previous guests’ trash. And you know what? None of that stuff matters or is ordinarily noticeable. I’ve hung out in repair shops before—it is what it is. The real problem is this: when I scheduled the appointment, the nice man in charge told me a special driver would take me wherever I wanted to go while waiting for my mom-mobile to be fixed. Upon arrival, I was told the driver was not available and I would have to wait in the customer lounge. So much for my vision of an afternoon reading at a cozy coffee shop nearby (sans trash and bad smells).

Now before you write me off as Wendy-Whiner who didn’t get her way on car repair day, let me make my point. I am very fine with the customer lounge. I won’t die from the smell. Fast-food trash is part of my normal environment (i.e. the inside of my van). I just wish more people would do what they say they will do--like provide a driver if I patronize their service department.

Yesterday, I fielded phone calls from an irate kid. “Mom, the realtor promised she’d let me see the home description before it was posted. It’s already online with wrong information. What was she thinkin’?” I had a hard time dousing his fire. Once something’s on the internet, it’s pretty much out there like germs from a sneeze. What was she thinkin’? And why don’t people do what they say they will do?

We’ve been on a real roll with the say-one-thing-do-another mode recently. You know what it’s like. You’ve been there. It drives me crazy—but I don’t want to be crazy all the time. Here are two suggestions to help us stay sane (and keep our Christian witness in tact) when people don’t do what they say they’ll do.

1) People will be people. That includes me. Accept it. Move on. We make statements with the best intentions but things don’t always go as planned. Should I have grumbled at the workman when the promises were not kept? Hardly. He probably wasn’t even the guy I talked to before. And the chipper little guy waltzing through the lounge? He definitely didn’t want to know about a miscue in the service department. Philippians 2: 4, 5 says, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” The repair staff is doing the best they can managing their interests today. My agenda is not their top priority. It’s not all about me. I need to consider that perspective and keep an attitude reflecting Jesus living in me. Lord, keep me coping with grace.

2) Manage your expectations. When a reputable business tells me they will do something I fully expect it to happen. DUH, Kim. Talk about a slow learner! My frustration would lessen significantly if I would manage my expectations. I should take what they say, add previous experiences, and allow for unforeseen obstacles. This will provide a more accurate formula for how the real situation will play out. It’s a round about way to feel pleasantly surprised when things go well rather than frustrated all the time. Expecting less equals happy more. A good equation. Coping with grace.

The Simple Connection is this: In a daily-ness of frustrations, miscommunication and wondering if anyone ever does what they say they will do, I depend on two things: God’s grace for coping with people and circumstances; and knowing God will ALWAYS do exactly what He says He will do. Amen, Amen and Amen!

Part 2 of the story is posted next.

Thank you for this input on anger. I had spent hours laying dirt and grass seed to improve my lawn around the bottom of my porch that is about 6 feet high. Under that we have our pinic table and chairs. I worked all day on that and then come the next day it decides to rain.. Well it just didn't rain, it poured and washed all my dirt and seed away. At which I had become fursious and started to rant and rave. My husband tryed to tell me that it really wasn't that big of a deal since he did figure out a way to save some of the dirt and to point out that the seed had been saved to since it was mixed in with the dirt. But of course I couldn't get over it. Until I sat my butt down and started reading about her unjust anger that I realized that I was doing it also. So thank you so much in showing me my bad temper in a different light and to rely on Jesus to get me through.

P.S. After that was all done. I went to get in my car and found out I had a flat.

The Lord Jesus Christ will and has always gotten my through my times of trail.

Here is part 2 of my experience.
Be blessed. Thanks.
BTW--I'm not noting any link to my writing as this is not an attempt to promote myself--just interesting that our topics were so similar this week. Always wishing to help someone else live out their faith.

Grace For Today
Since I’m all about people doing what they say they will do lately, I’ll do what I said I would do and tell you the rest of the story from my day at the auto-body shop. You’ll remember that I got to wait in the smelly customer lounge rather than receiving the anticipated chauffeured ride to the destination of my choice while my van was repaired. Not a big deal, except it was yet another instance in a long stream of essentially false promises that caused me to ask “why don’t people do what they say they will do?” The question buzzed through my brain but was quickly replaced with the Holy Spirit-inspired thought, “Isn’t is wonderful to know—really, really KNOW—that God always does what he says he will do!”

Let’s call it an infilling of gratitude. Grace for the moment. Definitely not something I mustered up under the circumstances. Romans 8:26 says, “The Spirit helps us in our weakness”. My weakness was wanting my expectations to be met, both with the repair agenda and the workman’s integrity. As promised, the Spirit enabled me to keep the proper perspective and maintain a roll- with-the-punches attitude by replacing my negative, critical thinking with a true thought. Appreciating the much needed grace, I settled in calmly for the projected hour and a half wait.

Well, my clever readers, if you didn’t see this coming before now, here it is: two and a half hours later I was still waiting for the Mom-mobile to be done. And, it was nearing closing time…and I was the only person left in the lounge. The receptionist had emptied the coffee pot and pick up some of that left over fast-food trash I mentioned before. Clear signs of quittin’ time, but no sign of my wheels. Feeling a bit anxious, I was thrilled when an important looking guy came in asking for Mrs. Bunton. My thrill vanished as he crossed the room to sit. Rather like a surgeon returning to a hospital waiting room with less than spectacular news, the top service- department dog told me there was a “bit of a problem”. He gingerly explained that the ailing portion of my car had been fully dismantled BEFORE they discovered the replacement part ordered and received a month earlier was—yes indeed…broken. He assured me they had tried glue (are you kidding?) but the problem could not be fixed today. The fear of an overnight in the smoky, no-Diet-Coke environment lead me to cautiously ask for the current condition of my van. “It’s just like it was when you brought it in today, Ma’am”, he winced, waiting for me to flip out. I surprised us both—I burst out laughing.

This episode is worth two weeks’ writing attention because it conveys the very essence of this column—making simple connections between the God of the Bible, His word and real life. I see it like this:

-God’s promised Holy Spirit, the counselor, helper, enabler, lives in believers and gives us power and ability to handle things in ways that will surprise us. We have to believe it, then receive it when the opportunity presents itself…at home, at work, at the auto-body shop.

-Our transformation into Christ-like people is largely rooted in our thinking. We are changed when we renew our minds, replacing junk thoughts with Spirit-led thinking. Truth. We walk out what we are thinking. If you think you’re life’s a mess, it probably is. If you think you’re blessed by God in the middle of your messes…well, there you go.

-God’s grace, our gratitude and living graciously (like laughing instead of yelling at the car guy) are very much intertwined, somewhat cyclic. God gives us grace, we are grateful therefore we can extend graciousness to others with the grace he has given us and so on and so on. It’s so daily, which is basically the point.

-The Christian life is a journey. We walk by faith, not by sight. It can be hard to see progress and positive spiritual growth in ourselves even though we trust that if God says it’s possible, then it really is possible. We should look for instances to listen for the Spirit’s guidance, to be empowered by his grace and to live above the tendencies of our flesh. There will be plenty of tests. We’ll pass a few and fail a few. God loves us the same either way, but its faith building when you get an ‘A’.

The Simple Connection is this—God is everywhere you are. His Spirit lives in you if you are a believer. He wants to do life together. There’s grace for today—every day—when we join him on the journey. “God who can do anything—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.” (Ephesians 3:20, 21 MSG) Thank you, Father, for enough grace for the car non-repair day

Thank you very much for this piece, you really hit the nail on the head. My prayer is that God will deliver me from this so called rigtheous anger. I am writing in from Nigeria.

Hmm, talk about coincidence.

I have been praying that God will use me as an ambassador of peace and healing. It sounded so good in my prayers and seemed easy when I was still praying for it. But lo and behold, when God tested me yesterday, the small problem magnified. And I noticed that sometimes the root of anger is wanting to prove that we are blameless and pure and righteous and therefore deserve some kind of respect. Which is of course just 'pride'. The pain and anger I felt was in no way unreal and churned bitterly inside me. I even rationalized in my head how I was more right than them and made the problem all out of proportion. But I did remember my prayer and I remember that if I won't act as God wants me to do, I would still face similar problems (in different occasions) and still feel the same anger and victimize. So what did God reminded me to do? I prayed to be an ambassador of peace and healing, didn't I? It wasn't easy, but I admitted my fault without being defensive (although I so wanted to). I took the hurt instead because I know it would hurt the body of Jesus. I just hope it would be easier next time though. To God be the glory.

P.S. it helped me a lot when i remember that God loves all the people the same way He loves me and if I hurt them, I'd also be hurting him.

P.S. and if we prayed for something, like knowing how to deal with anger, we should be on the lookout of 'anger prone' situation that God uses to answer our prayer. That is, if we won't listen to our own counsel but to Him.

Thank you, am at work and a new person that greets me and in way i think is belittling and i had started to just ignore him and just keep quiet.Your article served that as a reminder to me about not letting petty issues spoil your day.Am definitely going to be happy all day long.God bless you

I often fought the anger issue when I was younger and occassionally fight it now that I am older (don't seem to have the energy to be angry like I used to). This past week I was preparing a Sunday School Lesson for 16 & 17 year olds and one of the points of the lesson is that anger is a tool Satan uses against us. That in mind, I think in the future I will remember that Satan is hard at work when my temper starts to flare!

It's hard when things don't go as planned, especially when a lot of us live in a world where usually things do. Yes, we'd be able to handle it better if we were more used to trial and tribulation. Yes, we'd be more used to eating gruel if that's all we had. But it's not. I guess that's the reason for the whole scripture about the rich man and the eye of the needle. Not that the not-so-rich don't get bent out of shape about minor inconveniences too. We all have to get up everyday and live out the lives that God has given us, well-to-do or not, with or without professionally sealed decks, and to try to do it with grace and thankfulness and humility. To Lillie: there's no need for any of us to feel guilty for what we have or make anyone feel bad about what they have, but we all need to realize that all of it will pass away and what will last is how we lived our lives and those we touched.

One thing that I've found helps me out when I want to throw a fit is this: I pray for anyone out there in a similar situation.

I wish my problems were merely having a deck sealed properly--but, like so many others, my income has stayed flat but my bills are skyrocketing, I and my colleagues have a difficult situation at work that's made more difficult by the economy, and, to top it off, the only date I've been able to find in at least two years is with a guy who's an athiest and has no use for my Xtian worldview, but he's a nice guy otherwise and I enjoy his company otherwise.

Thinking of all the others in hard work, dating, and money situations and figuring out some ideas of how they are learning to deal with it, relieves me of some of the helplessness I feel right now.

Lillie, your comment made me laugh! B

Thank you. Builders are stringing a two week job into five; the constant invasion - leaving the front door open and walking past me without a word - has left me vulnerable and angry. I hate being ignored and prize the privacy of our space - recipe for eruption. Throw two bored young children on holiday into the mix and a husband who escapes the whole mess as often as he can. I've been self-pitying and volatile.

I confess my attitude to the Lord. The outcome will be worth the inconvenience, if I only focus that far!

Thank you, thank you, etc. this was just what I needed this morning. My day was starting to get off track, so I went to my verse for the day, read that and scrolled down and found your articile. It was just what I needed to jar me.

Anger is definitely about control. Lately I’ve found myself becoming extremely irritated about little things, and upon reflection, I realized that those are the few things in my life that I feel I have any kind of control over. Within the past two to three years, I have been in various situations over which I had zero control: the loss of my home and more than half of my possessions due to a severe financial crisis, rejection from my closest friends, unspeakable betrayal by people I had selflessly ministered to, and separation from a child I had come to love as my own who is now being raised by criminals and drug addicts who have no regard for her welfare. I am finally planning to seek counseling because I realize I have not adequately dealt with the feelings of heartache and loss I experienced during those situations. In the situation you describe, ignoring the injustice is not necessarily the answer. Seeking legitimate redress of a wrong is not the same thing as revenge. In your case, complaining to the Better Business Bureau could prevent others from being wronged by the same company and would make the owners think twice about mistreating future customers. In the situations I experienced, I made a number of attempts to seek justice, but ultimately, I had to trust the outcome to God—giving up control to Him.