1,257 Chances at Forgiveness
What a stinging comment taught me about my own need for grace
I don't know why the comment stuck. But three days later, it was still working me like a splinter—tiny, painful, and annoying.
It happened when I was at a local coffee shop with married ladies from my church. As a single woman, I always appreciate being invited to join them, but I also fortify myself on the car ride there. Sometimes in this gathering I feel like an outsider—because of either my own insecurities or their remarks. Tonight was the latter.
One of the women complimented my uncharacteristically long and well-painted fingernails. That day, they were to me a small glimmer of togetherness in my otherwise messy life. Another woman seconded the compliment, and then another woman spat out, "It's because she doesn't have children."
I didn't say anything at the time. The comment didn't really get to me until it had festered. It seemed to be a trivial statement, and yet a pronouncement that I wasn't a real woman, or that loveliness in my life was possible only because of the absence of kids. And even though the words were probably more about this woman's frazzled life with three preschoolers than about her feelings toward me, the comment still stung.
Two weeks later, having finally shaken those words, I sat at another coffee shop with a singleton friend and relayed the recent demise of a dating relationship. "What an idiot!" my friend Jen exclaimed about the guy in question. Her words gave me validation that my hurt feelings were justified.
Jen's anger on my behalf soothed my raw, vulnerable wounds, yet also fanned the flames of my own anger. Three days later, when I told the dating demise story to another friend, it may have contained a phrase or two such as " then the idiot said . . . ." Labeling him the villain and me the innocent victim felt good, even though deep inside I knew this wasn't quite right.
To nurse these hurts so closely together was strange. I shook off my feelings about the one stinging comment like a bad spill. But I simultaneously hung onto my anger at the guy. (After all, it was all I had left of that relationship.) And, in retelling the story to yet another friend, I even brought up a bit of anger at myself for not noticing foreshadows of the demise.
As thoughts on forgiveness tumbled in my head, two conversations with friends joined the mix. One meandered into my office and mentioned she was trying not to man bash anymore. Of all things, the lyrics of an India Arie song about forgiveness had influenced her. I verbally applauded her efforts and mentally challenged myself to follow her lead.
A week later over brunch, another friend told me about wrestling with anger at a guy who hadn't returned her affections. She wore her frustration like a loud, ugly coat. Just when I was tempted to think she was messed up for being so affected, I realized I’d been the same just days before as I described my own relationship woes with great anger.
Instead of offering my usual sympathetic agreement, making "what an idiot" pronouncements as my friends had for me, I decided just to listen. And to weave in an attempt at seeing the situation from the guy's perspective. Not excusing any bad behavior, but also not fueling any angry tirades.
In the following weeks I talked with friends who'd gone through a horrible divorce, who'd been slammed in another's blog, who'd had a disagreement with a family member. Throughout these stories, my friends’ forgiveness or lack thereof was obvious. In their voices, eyes, and body language, I could see peace or torment.
Their attitudes reminded me afresh that anger may be justified, but unforgiveness never is. Yes, Jesus got angry at injustice and legalism—but he held wrongdoers accountable, not in a grudge. He also called us to forgive 70 times 7 (Matthew 18:21–22) and to do our best to live at peace with others (Hebrews 12:14). Surely that command was to help us avoid the poison of bitterness—and ultimately to remind us of our own need for forgiveness.
Every time I do the difficult work of forgiveness, I remember how in need of forgiveness I am. I remember the cost of this process, the weight of forgiveness, and thereby keep from taking my own for granted. And hopefully, with each act of forgiving, I'm prompted to examine my own heart—looking for the darkness residing there that needs repenting, releasing, reclaiming by the saving work of Christ.
So when I received an e-mail from the guy who hurt my heart, I wrote back that I wasn't angry. And the next time I see the woman who made the snarky comment about my nails, I'll smile and greet her kindly. Not because I'm a great person. But because I'm a fallen one. In desperate need of forgiveness—and forgiving.
Blessings,
Posted at 1:21 PM on June 25, 2008.
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Comments
I too have been working on anger and forgiveness. I have had Ephesians 4:31-32 written on a index card by my bedside for weeks. The layers of emotions I've been peeling off have taught me just how broken I am and just how much I need Jesus to help me. The process of forgiveness isn't easy and I still am not sure when I've truly succeeded in it.
Posted by: Kathy Rasberry on June 25, 2008
Great insights, Camerin. It's so much easier to forgive when you've been asked for forgiveness, and so easy to let bitterness creep in when you're not asked. I've dealt with that a lot this year.
Posted by: Pattie on June 26, 2008
There's also a good warning in here to avoid snarky comments. I could imagine myself laughingly saying the same thing -- "that's because she doesn't have kids" -- not in a spiteful way, but just making those flip, throwaway statements we all do from time to time.
Posted by: Betsey on June 27, 2008
I agree with your story. Therefore, read 1 Peter 2:16-25 and it tells us about suffering from unforgiveness. 1 Peter 2:24 says that Christ Himself bore our sins in His body and was nailed to a tree; as a result of this, we are finally free from all offenses so we can begin living for true righteousness, for by His wounds, you are forgiven. Shalom.
Posted by: Cheryl on June 27, 2008
I wanted to make a comment on what the person said about [ Ephesians 4:31-32 ].It is so true that we should live the way it reads in that scripture.I know i have problems regarding being angry and bitter lately.I ask God everyday to help me in that area.I can forgive others but sometimes I just cant forgive myself.I grew up in a family where it was torn apart and there was always unkind words spoken to each other.I tell God I dont want to live my life the way I grew up.I know that satan works very hard on us and tells us how rotten we are and how things arent good in our lives and we become upset and angry and bitter.He is the one who wants to rob us of the joy and peace God has given us.We should ask God for the fruits of the Holy Spirit. * Love
* Joy
* Peace
* Longsuffering
* Kindness
* Goodness
* Faithfulness
* Gentleness
* Self-control
In todays world there is so much hostility,anger,resentment,etc.I know that God wants to give us happiness,joy,peace,love,but we should ask him for it.I think its hard for a lot of us to ask that when we have lived a life of hatred,
and emotional abuse.But I know God can take all of that unkind things in our life's and give us the fruits of the Holy Spirit.God wants the best for all of us.Thanks Rob
Posted by: Rob on June 27, 2008
Wow, hot topic for me these days. ;-) i just went through a bible study that included a section on the Prodigal Son, and helped us focus on the brother's reaction. As much as i wanted to be the welcomed prodigal, i found i related more to the brother--all irritated at someone else's receiving of mercy. Interesting wake-up call.
Great article!
Posted by: julia on June 27, 2008
I have really been struggling with forgiveness. My husbands sisters, being of a different ethnic background, hear things the way they have been treated. They did not like me from the beginning and I have tried in so many ways to reach them. They have taken things I said and put their own spin on them and told the whole family. I don't know how to reach them as this has been going on since 1989. I forgive everyday but the hurt they have caused me, quite frankly without the Lord's help, I don't know how to get over it. It hurts even though I have forgiven them everyday. I don't know what to do.
Posted by: Debbie on June 27, 2008
Oh my. I can clearly remember the messiness of raising kids and how I would have admired lovely fingernails.
In my case, it would have been the expense of a manicure, balanced against the expense of raising children, that would have sparked a comment like "it's because she doesn't have kids."
Your observations on forgiveness are very thoughtful and a great reminder to me of my need to give and receive forgiveness. In addition, though, you have reminded me of something it's taken me a long time to learn (and I'm 53!)--things that people say are not always about me! I'm learning not to immediately be offended or defensive by a comment that tweaks one of my wounded places. Maybe God is trying to help me let go of the need to feel hurt.
Bless you, sister! And thank you for your writing.
Posted by: Berta on June 27, 2008
Wow! Just what I needed to hear. Yesturday I opened a box where I found pictures & paperwork on a stillborn baby I had 19 yrs. ago. Memories came back - how the "daddy" just left me pregnant, how I never got to see her funeral, my parents never talked about it, etc. I was only 17. Tears came. Then my husband said: Did it feel like nobody cared? And that was it! I felt angry at the boy, my parents, my pastor, everyone! And i realized i had never forgiven them! Thank you for your words - I have now forgiven them.
Posted by: Liz on June 27, 2008
Sigh......I've been holding a grudge and bitterness toward a friend for over a month now over something I just need to get over. Thanks for slapping me silly!
Posted by: Dee Dee on June 27, 2008
What a great reminder Camerin. I have been doing the online dating thing and it is easy to become resentful or bitter toward men when things don't go well. The constant call to forgiveness is so important and essential for growth.
Posted by: Laura on July 3, 2008
Camerin,
Excellent article. The kind we need more of! It is so hard for us to understand that God calls us to forgive not to free the person that hurt us, but to free ourself from the burden of bitterness. Once we are freed by forgiving, we unleash God to work in the other person's life and in our own. (I speak with authority, because I have learned this lesson the hard way many, many times in my life!).
Forgiveness doesn't mean what the other person did to us is right, just that we are choosing not to remain angry about it. The anger hurts only us, anyhow.
Blessings,
Cheri
Posted by: Cheri on July 3, 2008
It is a statement of fact that with small kids, a mom taking care or them or feeding them herself can't afford to have long painted nails as they may injure the kids or the polish may go into their food etc.
I am sure that the woman who made the snarky comment didnt intend to hurt your feelings or point out the absence of kids in your life or to gloat over it. However, I admire your spirit of forgiveness and will try to pray and forgive some people whose comments I resent till today. God Bless you.
Posted by: Annie on July 4, 2008
Thanks Camerin and also Cheri. In scripture and also books by Evelyn Christenson. Corrie Ten Boom and Catherine Marshall- God commands us to to forgive. As Cheri said, it doesn't mean the other person is right, cetainly the Nazis were not right, but the forgiveness allows us to heal. No longer does your stomach churn or your throat constrict at the thought of the offense against you. Internally you are slowly harming yourself by unforgiveness. Give it to God- he will free you from the hurt and only He can give you the ability to forgive. Praise God He is so good.
Posted by: Carol on July 8, 2008
I think the book "The Bait of Satan" could help us all. We are now studying this book in our Wednesday night bible study. Offense is a very difficult thing to deal with in our human flesh. God is calling for us to deal with this thing spiritually. I am a witness to what the writer so honestly shared and I identify with all of the emotions, even the ones that she could not put in to writing. We must concentrate on the fact that we are transforming, a daily job. That alone should keep us forgiving one another. I want to thank all of you for your comments, for it made me see myself and the very thing that I am doing. It's really very simple....Let go and let God! God Bless you all in you daily walk with him.
Posted by: Kathy Caldwell on July 8, 2008
I've so been there one too many times where a well meaning person made a remark. I'll never forget when meeting a girl form my church at a retreat. She innocently asked "So do you have kids?", No, "Are you married?", No, "Do you have a boyfriend?" No (smile), "OH." Then she started talking to someone else!!! I don't think she meant anything by it, I got to know her a few months later and she's a really nice person, I just think she didn't know how to respond to the fact that I was 30 years old and still single, or didn't know how to relate to me?
Posted by: Stacy on July 10, 2008
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With Divine Grace and God willingness I want to introduce my self to your esteemed organization. My name is Isukapati Vidya na dh. I am president and organizer of the society the church of the only true God ministries. Organized by: - Church of the only true god ministries. It is a registered body. It is a society revealed by the Almighty God at my eternal call which is explained in my personal testimony enclosed. The email sent is a general letter written to all church representatives. My aspiration in writing such mail is nothing but to reveal the truth revealed by the Almighty and to reveal the truth, which is erroneously preaching by the pastors and church leaders. I with sincere and pure, clean hearted and with true feelings on God, with implicit faith request your kindness to spare some time and read this Email of mine. We have A organization for poor people and Destitute Welfare Center in India and our Web-site is www.onlytruegodministries.com My only request to you is to visit my Web-site and read the Divine message of God and give me A reply of your opinion on my Divine message thanking you with total positive ness expecting A reply from your side and talking leave. Ever your service in Christ ISUKAPATI VIDYANADH
Posted by: isukapati vidya nadh on July 15, 2008
One book that has greatly helped me in my struggles with forgiveness is Total Forgiveness by R. T. Kendall. The peace that has replaced the turmoil was well worth the tears shed while working through the book.
Posted by: Paul on July 15, 2008
I felt your article was speaking to me. I was told some awful things from someone I love very dearly. All I could say was I'm sorry. The way it was approached was so evil and mean. I honestly felt satan trying to destroy us. I reminded myself that no matter what God is in control and when I gave all my pain to Him, he gave me a peace I needed to forgive and move on.
Posted by: meg on July 15, 2008
I am so glad that I stumbled on to this article. I have been seeking God's face to forgive my husband who is not living with us right now. I have so much hurt inside of me from our situation and am trying to allow God to heal the layers so I can move on with my life and to help my children to heal so they can also move on. Thank you so much for this article!
Posted by: Marie on July 21, 2008
I thank God for being able to get to your blog is a real blessing what can I do to share it with brethren here in Kenya Africa.Be blessed Mightly.www.battlecrysoundingtochristians.blogspot.com/
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Posted by: Captain Josephate on July 29, 2008