Wow. This is so unfortunate. I hate to see parents trying to do what they think is best to protect their children, only to leave them utterly unprepared to deal with life. While I understand the impulse to protect, our job ultimately is to prepare our children to navigate in the world. There needs to be a balance between protection and preparation, with priority given to preparation, IMO.

We homeschool our kids and fortunately, none of the literally hundreds of kids we know who are homeschooling are having the sort of experience the writer here describes. I have heard of a couple such families, but thankfully they are an extraordinarily small minority.

I hope that the writer here can find peace and a good balance with her mom. Separating from mom is often a challenging process even for those who aren't in her position. And many people feel that there is a set of unspoken rules for social interaction that they do not know. People are rarely as confident and adept as they appear to be from the outside.

This article shouldn't provoke sympathy but indignation. The subtitle can't be further from biblical truth. What about Mark 7:14-23? The article reeks with "why didn't I get what I really wanted?" As if a young person really knows what that is. Apparently "real life" is only found when we are fully vested in all that groans about the world? That is youthful hubris not biblical thinking. Neither isolation nor inundation are appropriate practices for Christian children. And, I dare say for many homeschooling families. Parents do the best they can. Is this article honoring to the mother who forsook more than the child will ever know? Or, is this simply grumbling because the author has a fear of man problem and is looking for a scapegoat? This is a terrible post born of unbiblical thinking.

Having been home-schooled from preschool through high school (and subsequently attending a Christian college), so much of what Andrea says rings true with my own experiences.

Finding balance and footing in personal relationships is a daily struggle for me. However, I feel that had I been exposed to social situations in my formative years, I would be spared much of the emotional pain and abandonment that experience today.

In my experience, homeschooling was domestication. My parents, in their efforts to protect me from the evils of the world, created a safe-zone which left me vulnerable and exposed. Just as an animal raised in captivity cannot function in the wild, such were my experiences when I was finally forced to experience the world in getting a job, buying a home, making my own rules, forming professional relationships, etc. Almost immediately, I experienced extreme culture-shock, and being naive, became involved with people and situations that I should have shunned. As a result, I experienced painful rejections and to this day struggle with feelings of abandonment.

If I ever have children, I will by no means home-school them.

Human beings have at their core a need for social interaction (God created Eve as a companion for Adam). Home-schooling robs children of the opportunity to form important relationships at a young age so that they can appropriately interact with others for the remainder of their lives.

Ya' know, there are so many things that trouble me about this above writing I don't know where to start. The problems the writer states are evidence of problems in our culture, not problems of homeschooling. If you cannot find loving, acceptance in your church, perhaps church needs to open it's eyes to the reality and value of (in this day and time)many who are homeschooling. Clearly, it is not for everyone and needs to be better thought out by some.
Even we as Christians trust the world to do more for our children than we together ever attempt to do. No homeschooler should ever feel shunned by his/her spiritual family. Shame on us.
Please don't blame Mom. You can take steps to grow (thru Christ) and be all He wants you to be, it's not all handed to us.
With all our failures, hurts and weaknesses, our God uses us and blesses us. It is His power not ours that makes the impossible possible. He will make us whole.
Stuggling HSmoms ask for help, seek it, you can ya know. And if it is not meant to happen, do not be ashamed. God knows what you have need of, even before you ask.

Becca,

Your judgmental remarks demonstrate a profound insensitivity and misunderstanding of the experience Andrea provides. I too was homeschooled, P-12, and my relationship with my mother can be characterized as unhealthy and dysfunctional (as well as conflictual). Much as I try to free myself from the past, it continues to haunt me both academically and relationally many years later.

For most people, there is a grace period of trying things out and making mistakes when you are growing up. It is a developmental process. When all of these years of practice are withheld until adulthood, the effect is overwhelming and ostracizing. The struggles I endured entering the "real world" for the first time at age 18 are so deep and painful that I cannot look back on my past with little but tears.

I write this even as I am graduate student at Harvard University and on paper have attained cultural marks of success. Yet the wounds are deep, I tell you, so deep that to this day that sometimes I still fantasize about ending my life as the bonds of my upbringing weigh so heavily on me. Yet I cannot talk about these things; how can anyone understand what it means to undo oneself from the only home one grew up knowing? In my graduate school, I have good reason to believe that I am the only student who was homeschooled for any length of time. It is a stigma, I know, and rightly so.

I cannot tout the neutrality of homeschooling when its problems, as Andrea noted, may be intrinsic and enduring.

Andrea, thank you so much for sharing your story. Sometimes I feel so alone, so silenced, so unsure about it all.

Sincerely,

anon m

I was homeschooled (as were my 2 sisters) from grade school to high school and even though I can relate to some of those feelings the writer relates, it was never that extreme. I remember feeling "weird" at church (back in the 80's when homeschooling was illegal and we really were weird). I didn't always have close friends, but we moved around quite a bit and my sisters were my friends. I remember my parents encouraging us to be involved in different activities like youth group and piano lessons and other kids in the homeschool group. And in high school and college I always had friends (none of them had been homeschooled), but it took years for me to feel like a part of the group. (I should have prefaced that statement by saying that I am an introvert and will never be the "life of the party".) I can also identify with the author's statement that she feels more comfortable with people of her parent's generation -- I still find that to be true!

I think at some point, you have to accept that your parents did the best they could with what they had/knew. My parents have always felt that homeschooling wasn't so much about academics, but about character-building. They wanted to do whatever they could to help us be Godly women. And for that I am thankful.

And yes, if I ever have kids, I intend to homeschool them, from kindergarten to 12th grade!

Oh, and my comment goes out to you, too, Gabe. Your judgment is undue and is exactly what I am talking about in reference to the fear wrought by having to start at square one as an adult in an unforgiving world.

It breaks my heart.

anon

While I was not homeschooled growing up, I am an only child of a stay-at-home mom who threw her whole life into me, to the detriment of her own adult relationships, particularly her relationship with my father. You see, I was that child that was supposed to bring purpose, to save the marriage by making them a family. My mother was (still is) conservative and protective. By the time I was a teenager I had virtually no social life as I wasn't allowed to go to the movies, to parties, etc. Friends stopped asking me out when my reply was always a forced "no." I thought of my mom as my BFF, as the only one who cared about me, until I moved away for graduate school (I had lived at home and commuted all four years of college). I realized that I had no life to speak of because my life had always been about and with mom because it was controlled by her. Like the author, I can talk to people of my mother's generation (including my professors) far better than I can to anyone remotely close to my age. I'm 28 and I have never been asked out by anyone under the age of 40--even when I was a 19-year-old college student. The issues this author experienced are not because of homeschooling. Her problem is a parent who has issues, a parent who ended up dumping these issues and insecurities on her child.

Only being able to speak from experience (knowing several homeschooled children now as adults, including one of my siblings, and briefly being homeschooled myself), the results of homeschooling presented in this article depend on the temperaments of both mother and child.

Some examples: I have observed naturally introverted children who seemed to become more withdrawn with homeschooling, children who now shy away from responsibilities and social activities because they were never stretched as a young person. I have also observed naturally extroverted children flourish in a school environment, learning to speak for themselves, choose their friends, stand up for their beliefs, and witness for Christ in ways that they may never have had the opportunity to do if homeschooled. I have seen a disrespectful child pulled out of public school at fifth grade because her peers' attitudes toward their parents were rubbing off on her, and she has since grown into a lovely relationship with her own parents; I have seen a painfully passive young man put into high school after years of homeschooling, and watched him learn to take initiative and lead his peers.

A discerning parent will shun a "one size fits all" approach and make wise choices based on the needs and temperament of their own children.

Andrea,

Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences with us.

After reading this entry I was challenged to look at the ways in which I viewed homeschooling. I grew up in a Christian home and still consider myself a Christian. I attended private-secular, private-Christian and public schools throughout my K-12 education.

The children that I interacted with in my childhood who were homeschooled had a stigma placed upon them. They really didn't know it until they announced, "I'm homeschooled." Most kids that attend public or private schools, may look upon the homeschooled as "different, odd, or strange." I know that I definitely viewed those kids in that way; and realized that it wasn't right. Was there anything wrong with these children? Abosolutely not, but when you're in your mid-teens or younger and you hear homeschool some kids think, "what planet are YOU from?"

It's still very hard for me to imagine being homeschooled; having to see my mom every day not only as my mother, but also my teacher, or the social interaction that I'd miss in class or otherwise.

I do recognize and understand that homeschool children may have support groups or teams and such, but I believe that the social interaction missed by children who are homeschooled may lead to social strife later in life (as always there are exceptions).

The choice to home school may seem unpopular to some, but ultimately I believe it takes a lot of courage for the parents (usually the mother) as well as the children. The homeschooling experience may go well with some, but as some of the commenters and Andrea have pointed out, it does provide difficulties as well.

I have good friends who were homeschooled and it's through interacting with them and hearing their experiences good or bad that I've gained a greater appreciation for them.

In the end I think it's our duty to support those children and parents who are involved in homeschooling; just as much as those parents and children who are involved in private or public schools.

Keep writing Andrea!

I went through the same agonizing experiences and though both of my parents interfere with my parenting to the point of creating extreme problems in my family I can not seem to totally overcome them. I wasn't homeschooled though I was in public school. These issues aren't caused by the type of schooling but the type of personalities.

Ever seen the movie The Village? It speaks well, I think, to this situation.

We homeschooled our children, now 20 and 16. We love who they are-- confident young women, who love God and others and handle life with flexibility. (Our 20 year old is spending the summer overseas, working for a wiccan boss-- and we worry about her not a bit. The lack of peer pressure made her strong and sure of who she is... but I digress.)

Parents who are motivated by fear will bring about destructive results, whether homeschooling or not. We have homeschooling friends who operate in constant fear and their adult "children" (in their early 20's) are truly unable to function in life. I also know public schooled children equally crippled by legalistic, fearful parents.

In our home, we shared a joyous, grateful relationship with God with our children. We were able to teach them to respect differences in others, serve freely, forgive and be forgiven, lavish grace and develop into who God made them to be rather than fitting a cookie cutter mold-- and so much more- as we shared life together.

Somehow, when there are problems, homeschooling becomes the scapegoat in a way that public and private school usually doesn't. Some of the concern is justified simply because home education is an effective way to pass on parental values-- good and bad. Many times though, the problem is not the tool of homeschooling but simply things in the parents and home life that this effective tool brings to light.

I know some people from church who have homeschooled their children and, in doing so, have completely sheltered them from the world. The kids have a hard time interacting with other kids at church because they are "different". The oldest has dropped out of college twice and returned home because, in her words, "she just couldn't do it", even though her schedule wasn't any heavier than the average college student. She is 24 years old and when her employer said they loved her and wanted to keep her forever (a kind comment regarding how well they liked her work ethic, nothing more), the mother was upset because "she was their's, no one else can have her". I fear they are raising children who will never leave home because they have been made to feel that the "outside world" is something to be afraid of. I don't think they will ever know what it means to partner with God to push through their fears and depend on Him, not their parents.

i think one needs to be careful before blaming the homeschooling for all their problems with socialising . I went to secular public schools and still find socialising and fitting in very challenging. I do have special needs , which include communication difficulties. I do not , however, feel that many folk find it that easy to socialise , most folk have insecurities. Some may hide these more than others. Life is hard for everyone, but God is good and always helps His children , when we ask Him, according to His will.

I homeschooled my two sons K-12. They are now 21 and 24, and they both have been quite successful in college and in the work world. . When we started to homeschool in 1989 many persons told me I was hurting my kids. Now that their sons are sitting around unemployed or underemployed, I think I can safely say, they were wrong.

If you are reading this and are thinking of homeschooling, please consider this. Any child raised in a climate of fear will have problems. Any child raised in a climate of truth and faith in Christ will succeed.

We homeschooled to teach our children a Worldview consistent with the Christian faith, and to spare them the many untruths that deceive so many today. We empowered them by telling them who they are, why God gave them life and what He expects of them. You can do that even if you send your kids to school , but it will be much more difficult.

Parents can wrongly think that they are in charge of their child's life and are the sole protector of their child. you can hear the hum of "helicopter parents" everywhere. You don' t have to homeschool to do that, but you can cripple your child to a greater extent if you do, as we have seen by the above accounts.

What a shame. The grass is always greener, no? Wait a decade or so, and the feelings of the author may change radically. When she realizes that she was socialized by an adult, and is comfortable around adults, and then notices that the greatest percentage of her life will be spent in the company of adults, she may find that she was given an incredible gift. Just so she, and other homeschooled kids know, I was traditionally schooled, as was my sister, and I bear the scars of that form of schooling. I can feel the pain of rejection, ridicule, and insecurity, as though it was only yesterday that I sat in a classroom full of confused 13 year olds lead by one adult. I used to 'play sick' some days just to avoid having to face some of the meanest and most mislead of my peers. What was it like to learn without feeling like a 'nerd' if you succeeded? Did you get to do creative activities during the wasted hours that I spent on a school bus where discussions covered topics that no adult should even hear? A socially insecure child at home is likely to be even more unhappy in a forced social setting such as a traditional school. A social butterfly might feel left out if there are no social outlets provided for children to get together outside of the homeschool environment. In the end, it still surprises me to hear of young adults who actually wish they had been exposed to the childishness that being surrounded by other children would have provided. If we wish to create a society full of immature children then we should let them socialize eachother. If, on the other hand we want to create a society of responsible adults, then shouldn't children spend the majority of their time learning from a prime example-a parent?

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm the mother of two teenagers who have attended public schools all their lives. I was raised in a non-Christian home and first heard the gospel from another student in public school. I never considered home schooling my children because I wanted them to be salt and light to their peers. I'm thankful they have developed a strong faith and do talk about Jesus to both Christian and non-Christian friends. My contact with home schooled kids has come at church, and I find that much of what you write about the timidity and dependence on mom and lack of vision is true of the kids I know. I pray for them and encourage my kids to befriend them and not be cruel (as teens can often be) but to recognize these home school kids have different experiences, strengths and gifts that are just as valuable as their own. I'm not sure my encouragement is always effective, but I appreciate your sharing.

Andrea: Thank you for sharing your words and your story. As a public school kid, I knew how to relate better to my teachers then my peers and I've met others with a variety of backgrounds that say the same thing (we just enjoy older people more).
Thank you for sharing your story about " a homeschooling family"--I connect with the family culture of "fear." I wonder if that's not the issue more then anything else (as in, you can't make decisions based on fear in public or private or homeschooling).
With that, I find I have a unique opportunity to help generations link. They don't understand each other--I've learned to understand both. Since God doesn't seem to ever waste anything (even our pain), I hope something redemptive will become transformative to someone else.

I have to say, Jennifer, I think you hit the nail on the head. The issue here is not homeschooling at all. I have homeschooled my 5 children most of their school years. We tried public school a couple of times and kept coming back to the same realization. The influence of the peers they were with all day, was not good for our kids nor our family. My two oldest children blamed me for many years for all their woes due to homeschooling. But now my oldest daughter, who was the worst critic of us as parents for even having any other children besides herself, is now a mom of 5 and homeschooling them. Academics is the least of the concerns. It is building Godly young men and women, strengthening our families, building character. Each parent wants the VERY BEST for their children and strives to accomplish that. But unfortunately, we are not given manuals when those babies are born to tell us that this child needs this or that. We all get caught up in just raising the kids in our early years. And miss out on things. But the thing this author needs to focus on most is honoring her mom. This is biblical. That she may have long life on this earth. She has no idea how much her mom has given up to be that BFF , teacher, etc to her. I know for me, I gave up working jobs that I truly loved. I gave up "finding myself" until just recently so my kids could have a better start, and hopefully a heavenly ending in life. We don't claim to have done it all right, just that we do our very best with what we have. Sometimes our children, whether they are rebellious, or compliant, gives great challenges to us. Once again, we don't have the manual to tell how to handle each and every situation. I didn't have a homeschool mom, but mine was a stay at home mom. Very dysfunctional and controlling and manipulative. Still can be. But there came a time in my life at about age 35, that I had to forgive my mom for not being perfect. I certainly wasn't. Why should she be. So as an adult, buck up and forgive your mom for not being perfect. It is now your issue to deal with not hers. She did the best with what she was dealt. Love her for her heart and her effort. Allow God to finish you . It is not her responsibility now.

First of all, I'm a 20-something with friends who were home schooled, I went to public school. I wouldn't have known that my friends were home schooled if they didn't tell me - they were confident, smart, and fun. I know youth now that are home schooled that are the same way - vibrant, social, fun.

I think it's all about how it's done. We want to home school our children, but not to their social detriment - or mine. I think I can give them a better education (we're both college educated, I speak a second language and my husband know two other languages). I intend to have them active in sports and other "children oriented" activities.

I'm sorry Andrea that your experience ended up that way. What I hope is that it didn't sour you to the possibility of it completely, that you know that it can be done correctly, well, and to the benefit of the children.

I have homeschooled for 20 years and my three homeschool graduates have never wrote, or said anything like this. I believe when this young woman has a child of her own that she loves with every ounce of her being then she will understand why her mother gave up her life for just a season.

How sad this author decided to publish this near Mother's Day. On Mother's Day I received a delivery from the florist with a note thanking me for being a "great mom" among other gifts from my grown children. Receiving a writing like this would have caused me to pause, to remain in love, but to pray for my daughter. The fruit from homeschooling is much greater than any of the failings (and we know that anything attempted by humans will have problems, but we also know that in the word it says "obedience is better than sacrifice". And we obey and learn together with our children.

I think some people blame the public schools for their children's failures (and they are usually right considering the agenda for our children's minds and the scriptural violation of Col. 2:8), and some people blame their parents for their own failures and I think that's what I see here. There are just too many variables in her story. Maybe God didn't want her at college? Maybe she should have went to work or do missions work for a year and matured a little before going off to college?

What's odd is she seems to be older and seems to have learned the lessons of college quite well. That is to play victim to circumstances and keep your eyes on God and the fact that her parents did what was good and right in God's eyes. I think she picked up on the humanistic message at college and transferred blame to her mom instead of gratitude.

Blessings!

Andrea,

Wow. You hurt my heart with your words. I do hope your mother does not find out about your blog as it will break her heart.

My desire is for you to enjoy the love and peace of Jesus and that the "joy of the Lord" may reside in your heart. I have found that by confessing any unloving attitudes I hold and asking Christ to bring out any bitterness issues I have, that I can enjoy the life that He has given me.

I am sorry that perhaps your mother did not prepare you to be launched from the home and onto this horrible, cruel, sex-filled, filthy-mouthed, lying, thieving world. Sometimes that's a task too monumental and even scarey for a mother to do for her child. Her God-given, natural role is to protect and nurture. I pray that you forgive her and my you learn (re-learn?) the values of grace and mercy.

A good Christian counselor can help you overcome your insecurities and help you understand how to work through issues perceived (accurately or not) to be caused by your mother.

I am a 45 year old product of homeschooling, college graduate and mother of 5 homeschooled beautiful children.

I pray that the joy of the Lord will return to you.

This article makes me want to jump up and defend my decision to homeschool my children. Because so many relate it to protecting your children from the evils that lurk out there, we homeschool to give our children strong morals, values and tools to fight the fight against the evils that lurk out there. We have not closed ourselves off from the world. My children are involved in bible studies, art classes, scouting, little league, etc.. Some with other homeschoolers and some with everybody else. My children can pick out the children who are rude and disrespectful, they can be examples of politness while being eager to get involved.
I am sure that some homeschoolers are too isolated to a fault. I also know that some situations we blame on our well-meaning parents are sometimes in part a result of our own personalities. I have 3 siblings and we all are quite different. If you interviewed us all you would think that we came from different housholds :-)
My older sister was the concerned one. Every argument my parents had, she would sit on the stairs and worry over every word... I would also sit on the stairs but I was just waiting for the noise to stop so I could go back to playing. I heard no words that were exchanged and worried over nothing. To this day my sister will claim that my parents put her in a position to "fix" the family - executive child as she calls it. In hindsight, that is just who she is. Could they have reassured her more that all was fine... sure, but they probably didn't know the half of what went on in her head. My parents are fine and happily married for 44 years.
Can we blame them for not working out our issues when we were young? Can we blame them for not encouraging us in certain areas? Sure we can, but isn't it much more productive to start working on being more of who we want to be?
Please do not misunderstand, I am not discounting anything that Andrea is feeling or going through. Parents mess up and sometimes choose wrong, but now being a parent... I can tell you that in some decisions, you are wrong if you do and wrong if you don't.

My sister-in-law homeschools her kids. She makes no bones about the fact that she does it for CONTROL. The older ones are odd and have no friends. Time will tell if she warps the younger ones or not.
Thanks Andrea for having the courage to share your pain.

what andrea describes isn't homeschooling ! we have hsed for 15 years and our lives are no where near the negative experience andrea writes about. please present both sides since you allowed homeschooling to seem like a way we deprive our kids rather than what we do to nurture and raise them up as God says in His word. we aren't all isolated from life ya know!!!

Andrea,
I'm so sorry that your childhood was a painful one. Parents who smother their children and isolate them from the world are doing them a disservice even though they may do it with the purest of motives.

We homeschool our 4 children and our attitude is that we are here to build a firm foundation educationally and spiritually. We want to prepare them not only to function in the world but to make an impact.

All of our children are involved in church and sports activities and we have a budding homeschool group here in Barbados. They are learning to interact with people of many different ages. They've had to deal with teasing, bullies and the rest of "normal" childhood trials. They've also formed close friendships but I feel like their good relationships with one another have been one of the great benefits of homeschooling.

Homeschool can be a wonderful experience although I see it was not for you. However, I just want you to know as someone who endured childhood abuse, God is a God who heals and that includes healing our past hurts which cause problems in forming relationships. I pray that you experience
a total healing and freedom in those areas where you feel handicapped.

Blessings to you,
Janna

I was home schooled all the way through, and I loved it! I had friends then, and I have even more friends now, but I'm still really close to my mom, and I like that.
I don't feel stunted because I don't know all the ends and outs of everything that I missed growing up at home with my mom and the rest of my family. We had fun together and we still do! We would sometimes have friends over, and now we have lots of friends and family still come.
But I do understand it can be hard, I'm just saying it isn't that BAD for every home schooler. In fact, it's a really good thing for a lot of us!

Reading this open letter from Andrea, and the comments posted in response, I've found of interest because I am a retired home schooling mom. When I began teaching our first child kindergarten at home my plan was to home school her the first years and then send her to church school. It worked for our family, so we took it one year at a time, assessing and asking God for direction. All three of our children were involved in pathfinders (our church's club for youth) with children their age. They got to spend more time with their father, even going to his places of employment at times. We also have a home business in which they worked. When our children were 6th, 7th, and 8th graders we gave them the option of going off to school, but they all chose to continue home schooling. They saw the advantages of one on one help, getting their assignments done in a few hours and thus having more free time. All three of our children went away to school during high school, because we parents felt that they needed to broaden their horizons, interact with peers more, have opportunities for classroom interaction, and to be a part of music groups. They had a solid scholastic foundation and have been straight A students. They have received affirmation from other teachers about their home schooling experience.

I think personality affects adjustments and making friends, not just if a child is home schooled. Parents need to be tuned in to each child and do what is best for them, which may be different even within a family. Home schooling isn't for every family, in fact I've discouraged some mothers from taking on the challenge. It was a calling, along with motherhood, at least for me. I miss making lesson plans and teaching, but those years are over.

Today our eldest daughter is home schooling her children. Our son is using the practical skills he learned from his Dad in his job, and married a young lady who was home schooled. Our youngest daughter is an author of several magazine articles, and was newspaper editor her senior year of high school. She's in college majoring in elementary education. As their mother I find joy in seeing my children succeed in their areas of interest, having allowed them to fly from the nest and grow.

I'm sure I didn't prepare my children for "the world out there" as much as I should have, and they probably know more than me about life in the real world. What I hope I instilled though is that this world isn't all there is, and this life is a preparation the eternal life in heaven.

There are children who do not get the help they need in school, are told they are dumb and can't learn, and end up going nowhere with their lives. I believe a lot of issues factor into this subject, and socialization is only one.

Well, that's a mom's perspective. I'm sure each of my children have their own. There is a time to teach at home, and a time to let others teach our children. There is a time to do things as a family, and a time to allow our kids to do things with friends. Moms, we need to pray for wisdom to know when is the time. We need to have our own friends and activities too. Balance is the key.

Andrea, I'm sorry your relationship with your Mom is unhealthy, but please don't blame homeschooling on either of your troubles.
The Bible is a great resource for healing and I highly recommend you turn to it for direction to heal your bitterness.

Time and again, homeschooling has shown to be a time of bonding for parents and children. Homeschooled students routinely outperform public and private schooled students in all academic areas - not only that, they typically excel in social situations because they are introduced to settings that include people outside their traditional pier groups - this is academic, studied, scientifically gathered information - look it up. They are less pier dependent, meaning they can think for themselves in difficult situations. They know how to interact with adults and children alike, and can discern more quickly when a situation is perhaps dangerous or inappropriate. The home-learning families I know are industrious, successful, fun-loving, encouraging.....they have "prepared the child for the road, not the road for the child", the trend most Americans follow these days. Sorry, but protecting children from a violent, pornography-prone society is NOT sheltering - it's called doing your job as a parent.

Child abuse is rampant in our culture, and I hope this was not the case in your home. However, to suggest that homeschooling parents are somehow abusive because they homeschool, or overprotective because they care, or substandard because they don't have "education" degrees, smacks of a political agenda and is irresponsible. If you don't like your Mom, take it up with her. Leave responsible, caring, accomplished home-learning families out of it, please.

wow, what an interesting post. I home schooled each one of my 7 at one time or another. 5 of them experienced public school and christian school, the youngest was home schooled until this yr his 6th. So I have experienced each situation. Each child was different in his or her experience. Some would tell you they liked it others would say they did not. At times I look back and wish I had done things differently, but as was previously mentioned, I did the best I could in raising them.
The public schools(especially the high school) in our area are not good. That is why we initally(17 yrs ago) decided to "try" home schooling.
It takes major commitment to parent children in todays world. It goes far beyond the "class room" where ever it may be.
There are a lot of good teachers in our school systems and if our children are so fortunate to have some of them as teachers the learning experience can be very positive. There are also a lot of teachers that should not be teaching.
Home schooling can and should be a very rewarding time.
I believe most parents choose to home school for religious reason as most public schools are far from the core christian beliefs. I am thankful we can still choose in this country.

Thank you, Andrea for being so vulnerable.

I am a product of a combination of private Christian school and homeschooling. My parents attmpted to shelter us, and to a degree handicapped us in dealing with "real" life. However, they also gave us a very realistic view on life. For that I am MOST grateful

I have also homeschooled, and now my children are in public schools. I have seen the gamut. And, I know that the METHOD of schooling does not determine the outcome. Rather, it is has more to do with the degree of control wielded by the parents...and the personality of the child.

I am glad that I homeschooled, and I am glad that I am not doing so right now...this is where God has led us for now.

Andrea,

I have homeschooled my three kids since my oldest was mid-way through first grade. My experience with homeschool is so much different than described in this blog. We do a weekly co-op and our kids are very involved in swim team, basketball, church activities and extended family members -as well as a lot of interaction with neighborhood kids who are homeschooled, privately and publicly educated. Our kids are imaginative and very much individuals.

I have a great network of friends whose kids are educated in every sector - private, public, and home. My and my husband's motivation was not to protect our kids from the world as much as it was to spark a love of life long learning and a love of Christ. I value this opportunity I have to share so much of life with my kids. It is a beautiful, challenging, rewarding and many times thankless experience but one I feel called to more than any other job I have had. If I did not have the support of great friends and family the challenges would seem insurmountable at times. I will admit there are times when some of my friends are getting together for lunch or able to be more involved in our womens ministry at church than I can commit to, that I can feel a little sad. Thankfully my husband and friends remind me that this is the season of life I am in and while I miss socializing with friends over leisurely lunches, I would never want to miss my son having a reading breakthrough who has worked so hard to overcome developmental delays or my daughter delighting in doing her math, or my oldest son writing his first story.

I am sad for any family that has to deal with difficult and devaluing relationships. And I can see how those unhealthy relationships could be hidden behind the guise of homeschooling. However, I do not feel as though that is the norm or product of homeschooling families. It is vital for me to maintain my walk with Christ through daily devotion/study/prayer time and to maintain healthy relationships with friends and a support system.

Grace and Peace,
Michelle

I believe that the homeschooling experience today might be far different from the one that Andrea experienced. Our local sportsplex hosts a p.e. class for homeschooled children every Friday. Our own church hosts a homeschool group at least twice a month. There are now homeschool associations where everyone can get together and social interaction is possible.

But I think the real problem Andrea has is that her mother wanted to be her friend. While I hope to be a friend to my two daughters when they are grown, they are children now and being their friend is not part of my job description. I am their mother. A parent cannot and should not try to be everything to their child. Childhood should be a time of safe exploration, not an overprotective cocoon.

First I am saddened that this was even posted. I have received and enjoyed this newsletter for several months now and I have never felt so utterly disappointed in the content. I have been homeschooling my kids for about 8 years. I have 7 beautiful children. One graduated 2 years ago and another is graduating this year and heading off to college in the fall where she already took a class this year and had no probleem "fitting in" or "answering questions". I am sorry you had such a bad experience but it seems to me that this had to do with your mom and not homeschooling. I think instead of blaming the fact that you were homeschooled you need to get to the real heart of your problem which is your mom and the unhealthy relationship you have. I think you need to seek counsel for these issues instead of blaming homeschooling. I would bet that even if you went to school there would have been issues with your mom. You don't need to look very far for successes in homeschooling. I hope you find the help and healing you need.

I loved the article and will take the author's experience into account as I raise my children (now ages 2 and 3).

As a mother, I too seek a balance and had briefly considered home-schooling, but changed my mind after discussion it with my husband. We view the effects of interaction with regular kids as teachable moments in which we can truly demonstrate why we as Christians are different. After all, the Word does say that we are "IN the world but not OF the world," right?

With heartfelt thanks,

Monique N.
Houston, TX

So many of the comments are very respectful of the author's feelings, regardless of their point of view. I find it very interesting and helpful to read where others are coming up. But I just don't understand why Gabe's comments had to so harsh and condeming. It takes a lot for someone to put their heart out there, and to then have it stomped on seems like Jesus would want us to treat others with more kindness.

Growing up in the secular world and not having the opportunity to know God, I see open dialogue and sensitivity as a way of reaching out to other Christians, as well as the non-Christians.

This made me feel so sad for many reasons, primarily that Andrea feels so lonely and inept in her college and doesn't feel any Christian love reaching out to her, helping validate her past 12 years of education and her own value to society. I pray that someone will reach out and that God will also empower her to step out of her "closet" and attend that Bible study she sees advertised on the bulletin board in the dorm, so she can learn of the love He shows through others.

But, in addition, I feel very sad that this was chosen to head up the website's readings, as it is portraying a very biased view towards homeschooling, which is not true for all individuals and which might taint someone's decision to homeschool, when that might be the best option for that family. Andrea has not been brave enough to inquire into her peers' horror stories of education, who attended "real schools," or she might be more appreciative of the valuable gift she has been given by her mother and aware that there is no utopia.

We have a child whom we withdrew from a private school in mid-year of high school, where she had been bullied to the point of near suicide. I have homeschooled her for 2 1/2 years and am amazed at how her self-confidence has grown and the love of learning that she demonstrated in elementary school has returned. Yes, she is more comfortable with adults, but that's who she will be working with the rest of her life, once she finishes college. (She has no desire to relate to many of those from whom Andrea was sheltered, having faced their immature taunting/torture.) Her faith has been strengthened after attending adult Bible studies with my friends and me. I have no doubt that homeschool has been the BEST option for her. She may have not had as many social interactions as she would have had at school, but she has been able to use some of that time developing her talents, becoming more of an expert in fields that interest her, and strengthening her walk with her Lord.

As a home schooling mom of 2 boys, just completed grades 10 and 8. I feel sorry for the writer of this story. But after 12 years of living in the home school community the author's experiences are not the norm and the parent is largely to blame.
My sons are very well adjusted. The can hold their own in a conversation with any adult, teen or young child. The are active in many church activities, on a home school bowling league and we go skating once a month with a few hundred other home schoolers.
I am very close to my children but, it is not my place to be their friend at this time in their lives. We have a very open relationship and talk about everything but they also have several close friends their age with whom they share their lives.
As a former public school teacher, I chose to home school my children for 3 reasons 1. God called me to 2. The lack of discipline and respect in public school 3. I believe education should include daily Bible lessons and application.

Andrea,

Thank you for writing about this painful "part" of your life. What you are experiencing are the effects of a co-dependent relationship which many of us share. My family of origin and history is toally different than yours, yet any unhealthy dependence upon one another to get our needs fulfilled will result in a lack of "self," along with many of the other challenges you face. I repeat, you are not alone as thousands face the same challenges due to unhealthy relationships where we feel a mutual responsibliity to meet the needs of another--especially during those developmental years.
I recognized the co-dependent relationship I had with my mother after at the age of 48 and my mother had alreadly passed on. My healing came in three ways: Naming the events that shaped my self identity, Recognizing the messages I had received through thee events that are not true, and learning and receiving my new identity in Christ based soley on what God says. These steps (the last being crucial) ushered me into a new freedom that has only grown with every passing year. I no longer look to anyone other than Christ to tell me who I am, how I am doing, or to have any of my God-given needs met. These needs being unconditional love, acceptance, worth, and security. In a co-dependent relationsip we allow the other person to tell us who we are and how we are doing, and we look to them to meet these needs that only God can meet. This sets us up to live life on an emotional roller coaster.
I pray that you will find a counselor who specializes in one's identity in Christ and who can help you work through these steps as it is very difficult to do on your own. God bless you.
By the way, I homechooled our girls (our eldest two for 2 years and our youngest for one year.) I am glad that I didn't go it any longer. I believe that full time homeschooling is unhealty for the reasons you gave: the roles get intermeshed and it is not good for two people to spend that large a chunk of time together.

It is interesting that you say you had this terrible upbringing with "living in a closet homeschool mom" when if I read your other posts... well, let me just quote them:

"As I thought back to my student days, I vividly recollected nerve-twisting auditions, repetitive rehearsals, and triumphant concerts. “I was involved in orchestra,” I answered."

"With it tumbled down a stack of sheet music—scales and etudes I’d mastered for my family’s enjoyment, concertos I’d performed for an audience’s pleasure, light-hearted pop tunes I’d offered to encourage nursing home residents, hymns and choruses I’d perfected for my church congregation’s worship"

"Not only that one, but the countless other flames I’d extinguished under my bushel. All the other used tos that had brightened people’s lives. The notes of encouragement I used to write for friends in need. The lunches and dinners I used to schedule with lonely neighbors. The visits I used to make to elderly family members. The Bible study meetings I used to lead for the spiritually hungry. The gifts of desserts I used to bake for stressed-out coworkers,"

This is just a sample from ONE of your PAST posts... I don't believe you for a second that you had this terrible, hide away mom who emotionally abused or neglected you. If you feel uncomfortable around people (and from those posts it doesn't seem like you had a real problem), then get over it. Stop blaming MOM for your problems and maybe start looking in the mirror.

You said yourself, you rejected your own church because they were teaching biblical principles... that was in another post. If you are going to whine, go buy some cheese. Honestly!

This is for Gabe: The tone of your post is scary! I really don't think you completely got what the author of the article said... Just because we are Christians it doesn't mean we don't feel what we sometimes Do feel - we are humans before being Christians...

I am a mother of 4 all whom attend public schools. They are all in sports, dance, church groups, etc. as was I growing up. I was allowed my mistakes, and the ability to be the social butterfly. I have friends my age from growing up together, and from mothers of my children's friends. I have moments of insecurities and doubt with peers. I have considered homeschooling, but for many reasons have not acted on it. In the end though, my mom has become my best friend. I cherish that friendship and hope to have it with my daughters some day.

Andrea,
Thank you for sharing your story. I was a public school teacher before I became a mother. When our kids we old enough for school, we had concerns about homeschooling due to the very things you discuss in your article. I am very capable of homeschooling due to my degree but worried about the impact it would have...not having to raise your hand in front of other kids, learning how to play on the playground with kids from all backgrounds, and learning how to be salt and light in the world. I couldn't see how that could happen when you are closed off from the rest of the world. Not one homeschooling family I spoke to would acknowledge that there may be a negative side of homeschooling. Most homeschooled kids I know from our church have no non-Christian friends. How can we have an impact in our world this way? Thank you for speaking your truth and identifying your reality. I think many will benefit from your truthfulness.

I am sorry for the bad experience homeschooling has been for some. I have homeschooled our daughters (21 and 16) for most of their years. We have no other homeschoolers at our church. Our daughters are very well adjusted, socialize well and interact with their peers (as well as people of all ages). Sure, I have made mistakes in schooling, as well as parenting, but all education has its gaps and mistakes. I think the key is to continually ask God for direction. Sometimes we are called to homeschool for a season. Having God as our "school Superintendent" has kept us on track, or gotten us back on track when we strayed. I pray that others will seek God's direction for their children's education and not be deterred by other's bad experiences.

I was not homeschooled, but my father was totally overprotective. It wasn't until I was in my mid 40's that I realized that what my father thought was love and caring for me, in not allowing me the freedom that other people my age had, was interpreted by me as: "Everyone else is capable and able to take care of themselves, but you need ME (dad) to protect you because you can't do it by yourself." It was so freeing to realize that I AM capable! Though our children went to a Christian school through junior high, we deliberately put them in public school in high school so they could learn to deal with the world while still under their parent's protection, because it was only by the grace of God that I didn't get in some bad situations in college due to my own lack of experience. Andrea, don't listen to those who say you're just dissatisfied. This is a way of thinking that began for you very early in life and it will be hard to overcome, but I pray that you will realize that you ARE a capable woman earlier than I did.

I am an aunt of homeschooled kids. My neice and nephew who are now 17 and 16 are well adjusted. Their parents have purposely made sure that they were involved in outside activities. They have played soceer, sang in choirs, boy/girl scouts, art and drama classes, etc. They have also been invovled in volunteer work. They are both looking forward to college.
I think alot of it depends on how the kids are involved in outside activities as well as their personalities.

Andrea, I read your blog this afternoon and was truly touched by your story. Two things come to mind. One, I am very sorry that this was your experience as a homeschooled child. It breaks my heart that you had such a difficult time because of the way you were taught. The other thing that comes to mind is that I don't believe it has to be that way, as far as homeschooling goes. My husband and I have been blessed with three precious children. We have also been blessed with many friends who have children who are going to be or who already are being homeschooled. We also have a school system nearby that welcomes and accepts homeschoolers to join in Spanish programs, PE classes, etc. We believe that homeschooling is what we are to do for our children. (I realize not everyone has this type of situation in their lives so we really do feel fortunate). I say all this because we have been praying about this for a long time. My point to all of this is that yes, there are going to be those who have bad experiences with homeschooling and those who have positive experiences. But, if we as parents are relying on Jesus to lead us in the direction He wants us to go as far as public, private, or homeschooling, then it will be a success. I pray that I will never judge anyone for how they choose to educate their children, but rather encourage people to look to Jesus and follow Him. He has a unique plan for each family. I hope Andrea has forgiven her mom or has done whatever she needs to do to make that relationship better. Thanks Andrea for your honesty.

I personally understand the feelings of this post, however I was public schooled...plain and simple, life can be really tough! As Christians, shouldn't we be careful about placing blame? God places each one of us in different, even painful, situations to form our characters...who are we to question the Lord and His plan for our life? I pray for healing for Andrea. May the Lord reveal His heart to you.

There are so many things I could respond to -- first, I agree with those who say that it is not necessarily homeschooling, but unhealthy parenting relationships. As a mother, I have tried to make sure that my child does not feel responsible for my happiness and to "give her roots and give her wings". This is because, at age 42, I still struggle with not being affected by what my mother thinks. She had an unhappy marriage and made me and my brother her life and, in many ways, we "betrayed" her by growing up and now she is extremely unhappy that I am 11,000 miles away! She resents my husband of more than 20 years for marrying me and she has not been able to develop relationships with grandkids because they are more important to us than she is. Sad, but true.

What matters is healthy parenting not the means of schooling. I know homeschooled adults who are very well adjusted and see homeschooled kids who don't know how to interact. The well-adjusted kids were encouraged to think for themselves and to interact with other kids in Sunday school, youth group, etc. The less well-adjusted were homeschooled with a "fortress" mentality with the idea of keeping every negative thing out.

I looked at the well-adjusted homeschoolers when I homeschooled out of necessity for 3 years after we first came to Africa as missionaries. I have one daughter who went to public schools (and was salt and light there) before we came to Uganda. But, we knew, that at age 13, God either needed to provide a school opportunity for her or we needed to go back to the US. Homeschooling in isolation from peers was not healthy and after 3 years out of school and no church youth groups, she was anxious. She has done very well, but we had to put her well-being ahead of our own. Academically, homeschool was superior but in our case, social interaction has been more important. Our situation is different than most because people are still with their usual friends and church where we were not.

One of the most important and difficult things to do as an adult, and especially as a parent, is to forgive our own parents for what we see as their failings or mistakes and recognize that they did the best they know how. I still pray for God's grace, but I know my mom did what she thought was best and I know I am making my own mistakes, too.

So many experiences and perspectives have been represented here. First thought I have is as we were taught in nursing about pain, it is a subjective thing, and no one but the one who suffers has the right to judge the validity or quantity of the suffering.

When I read Andrea's blog, I was reminded of some things that my youngest son tried to tell me once. I feel that I homeschooled my 3 children out of obedience, and I understood that the purpose was to prepare them for ministry to their generation. Sort of like a conservatory of music, or an vocational program.

But when we felt it was time to put them in the local Christian school( high school for the two oldest and primary for the youngest) the two older students blossomed, the youngest with his tender, sensitive heart didn't.

I now feel I probably was wrong in allowing him to choose to return to homeschooling while the others went on to excel and have a great time in Christian high school.

He was lonely, and he suffered, especially when I had to go back to work. It hurts to think about it. But he has become a fine adult, husband and father. He is successful in his own business, and is a gifted musician and songwriter. And when he was still barely out of his teens he co-founded a church that reaches out to his generation.

But he has let me know, that it was hard. That he was a fish out of water. And until just this year we both knew that he had pulled away from me in some way...and reading about Andrea, I wonder if I don't now understand why.

I must comment that when people used to ask me if homeschooling was for everyone. I used to say "no, some parents have no business homeschooling!" I have seen the abuses, and the successes. I am sad to say that of all the dozens of kids my children played with at our wonderful old church, only the homeschooled kids are still serving Jesus (and not even all of those)...

There are dysfunctional homes, and dysfunctional parents, and kids who will feel out of place and rejected wherever they are schooled.

But one thing homeschooling did give us, a loving family, a shared history and a crazy adventure where God has proved His faithfulness.

And just because our son has suffered ( I know without a doubt, he would have suffered worse in the public school...he was that sensitive kind of child) a little suffering often brings glorious results.

It’s amazing how God works. So often we don’t see the real blessing or value of a thing until days or even years later because of what we are comparing it to or what we desire out of it.

Just like our relationship with him is personal - his blessing to us is personalized too - it’s not a one size fits all kind of blessing. Even though many people experience the same thing, His purpose and blessing is personal and individually tailored for each life. Which is why often times other people won’t see or understand it and advise using a common theory as what you should or should not do.

Your closing statement says it all. You were given a rare blessing in your youth and now you’re seeing the value and it’s advantages. What was lacking in a home school setting, was temporary. What your mother sacrificed to invest in your future, is permanent. This blessing enables you to draw from the wisdom of her generation and to apply it more successfully and responsibly in your own life, and to reinvest it back into the lives of others. Whatever social skills lacked, with God’s help, can now be learned or healed through continued personal growth in Him. The best part of all - you’re blessed to have a rare mother who chose to give over-time rather than no-time for the well-being and protection of her family. You have no idea how many have dreamed of having a situation like this.

Wow! You need to grow up (in Christ). There aren't any perfect parents out there. Public school isn't the pretty picture you paint-I know, I grew up there and feel the same way you do about myself, my life, and my parents. I am still realizing how much influence my parents have over how I make decisions in life. It's only recently I have come to realize they did the best they could with the tools they had to raise me. You don't know what was in their your mom's heart and mind when she made the decisions she did.

The real problem here is you aren't happy with "you" and you are blaming your mom for it.

Two things I know in life.

1. You have very few real friends through the years. Most if any are what I would call "aquaintances." Your parents, siblings, and future husband (if he is a Godly man) are the only ones who have a real invested interest in you. Those vain aquaintences you call peers are not your real friends.

2. Few people are really happy with the way they were raised by their parents. In fact, I have yet to meet one person who is happy with themselves. You have the same opportunity to overcome who you are and how you were raised as the next person. Stop the pity party and go to only real place of change-God and the Bible. We all need changing and you are no different.

Maybe you should have been an orphan! In fact, you should probably talk to one and get their point of view on this. It might surprise you that you have a lot to be thankful for. You should be thankful God gave you the mother you had who wanted to protect you from the "real world" where most are looking out for themselves and are on the same path as you...trying to find themselves and who they really are.

One thing we have to consider here is the fact that her mother was unhealthily fearful of the outside world. This could have been caused by difficult experiences or a social disorder. I come to the conculsion that the mother was hurt by someone in a school, church, or playground and then did not forgivingly move forward but fearfully retreated. Homeschooling is not a problem, and it wasn't the problem in this girl's life. Homeschooling out of fear is the problem. It is sin. I know, because I've been there. I homeschooled our children out of fear for four years until God lovingly showed me to trust Him when we were offered a full-ride scholarship to a Christian school while I was going through a difficult pregnancy. It was an answer to our prayers, but the fear rose up in me and made me miserable for months. I had to face the facts, that they were truly where God wanted them, and learn to trust Him to be their protector. It set me free from the fear. I still know the world can be a dangerous place for children, but I know that God is preparing them to be a light to a dark world. The girl in this story may rewrite this entire testimony once she becomes a mom because she may be looking back on it while still thinking as a child. Bless her and her mother, Lord!

My decision to home school my children came after much prayer and godly counseling. I looked in the Bible and try as I might, I could not find anywhere that Scripture asks parents to send their children out on missionary journeys to preach to the lost. It does, however, admonish parents to raise up their children with God's word in their mouths at all times and to avoid evil counsel.

Every instance of the Hebrews assimilating the ways of the pagan peoples surrounding them was illustrated in the Bible as times when the Hebrews were farthest from God's will and thus more likely to incur His wrath. It is plain that this nation has thoroughly assimilated pagan practices into it's education system.

When my son begins to exhibit resentment toward me about having to learn at home and I ask some questions, most times it turns out that he's being made fun of or tempted by the world and just wants to fit in and "be a normal kid just like everybody else".

The question is, should he be released to ungodly teachers and peers to learn the lessons of the world so he can be more like everybody else, or should I take the lesson the world is trying to teach him and compare it with Scripture so as to teach him to be more like Jesus? Who should be his primary teacher? What should his foundations of education be? Should he be exposed to eight hours a day of humanistic education only to have to spend 5 hours a day trying to refute it's philosophy with God's word?

I didn't get a DIY manual when I had my kids. I do my best and hopefully better than my mother did for me. No matter what us mothers do, our children will complain about something.

I appreciate you sharing but this is NOT the norm of homeschool children. Your mom did you a disservice homeschooling in that isolated manner, just as a mother could let her child attend a public school and NOT be involved in their life during this type of schooling. You did not have a balance and this article should NOT give HS parents or future HS parents a perspective. This is just an unfortunate circumstance for one person.

wow. So much of what you posted I identify with. Thank you for opening your heart to us, your readers. As a 34 year old mom of four who are currently public schooled (and ride the bus), I have had to learn a thing called consecration. I place them in the hands of a loving God and leave them there! God ways a better than my ways.
I was homeschooled from 4th-12th grade as a homeschooler in the era when it WASN'T cool! The relationship w/ my frustrated/dysfunctional friend/always teacher-mom (who was a math wiz too) is all to similiar to your own. Then, when I went 3,000 miles away to a very private, christian college my parents already troubled marriage was strained even more by the enormous phone bills my mom and I generated by discussing EVERYTHING! However, I am extremely outgoing, had some very good, close friends who were actually my age and was allowed (on a very short leash) out with my church youth group in my teens. So, I think I did ok despite my extreme formative years.
I too have had a very strange connection w/older people, I'm sometimes seen as a little strange by peers and I've had people ASK "what rock were you raised under?"
HOWEVER, I am so thankful for who I am, where God has brought me from and where he is taking me. God in His loving kindness has helped me through a very difficult time re: my still doting mother who cannot seem to find many BFFs her own age. She was abused as a child and became VERY FEARFUL in her raising of us. FEAR is the #1 culprit here. I totally agree with the homeschooling mom who commented earlier whose two daughters are doing well because of the warm, free, truly loving environment the parents provided. God has not given us the spirit of fear but of POWER & LOVE & A SOUND MIND!!
Seven years ago, I stood up to the dysfunctional, irrational connections between me and my mom who relocated & lived with us during the pregnancy of my first child (yeah, WOW!). She stepped in to become a sort of surrogate mother of my daughter because "I was too sick to care for her myself." At first my husband and I thought she was just being helpful, in reality she was TAKING OVER. My daughter didn't know who to mind, she was confused as to who were the "real" parents. And with THREE of us parenting her she was working all of us to her three year old advantage! A dear friend finally enlightened me to the FACT that I could set BOUNDARIES lovingly and still HONOR my parent (who I know in her weird, dysfunctional way loves me). And, boy, did I have to set some and, boy, did that not go over well!! But BOUNDARIES are key for an adult child of a parent such as this. And I am amazed to say that my mom and I are doing well today. We get together for family functions, the kids spend the night with her periodically and she is viewing me more and more like the adult I am because I lovingly and FIRMLY let her know what I need in order to be a happy, healthy adult. And you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out how to be one! Just look around, be honest and use your brain!!! There's wisdom to be had everywhere you turn. I have found solace in good books, sound advice from trusted leaders/friends and most importantly GOD's WORD! "The fear of man is a snare, but they who trust in God are safe!" And I repeat, God has given me POWER, LOVE & A SOUND MIND. I have to believe it like Gideon did--he didn't look like Braveheart, he didn't smell like Braveheart (well, maybe), but he WAS Braveheart! Period. End of story. And that's where I stand, POWERFUL, LOVING AND SOUND (even if I don't feel or look like it some days)!!
Be encouraged, Andrea. I am thankful for your ministry of empathy toward the home-schooled people just like us. Keep starting honest discussions, Girl! You're the BOMB! I can relate to you...(and I'm not your mom's age). ;-)

I am the mother of 7 homeschooled children .The eldest is 35 and the youngest is 15 . Our four elder children went to school for varying lengths of time - we started home educating in 1986 and a year later when we moved and they could have gone back to school they said they would rather continue with home ed . Our eldest son has served his country for 16 years in the RAF , our second son (in spite of dyslexia ) graduated from university with 1st class honours , our eldest daughter also suffers with dyslexia and is about to graduate from university with a 1st too - they both suffered bullying at school due to their dyslexia . Our next child who was very clingy as a child now lives in New Zealand and is applying for residence . I was warned that she would cling to me for life - you could not meet a more outgoing person .Our next child often talked of going to school but is now glad she did not and has just been accepted unconditionally at a top art college - at her interview the interviewers were very interested in her having been home educated and the fact that her portfolio was so individual - she went to college to build up her portfolio and the teacher was most unsympathetic when our daughter did not follow her directions as she wanted the portfolio to relfect her character . Our next daughter has just finished her home education ( our last 3 did a christian curriculum as we felt it counterproductive when using secular curriculum ) and youngest son still has a couple of years left . In my experience home educated children are confident individuals who have learnt to think for themselves and not been forced to go with the herd and be soaked in a humanistic world view .
I was sent to bearding school for 4 years of my life and this contributed to my insecurity and and damaged relations with my parents . I think children will find things about others to bully them over , wearing glasses or being foreign etc .
Would I change anything ? No . At some of the schools the four eldest attended they faced bullying and violence and on one occassion physical harm .
I can sympathise with Andrea as my father was a maths genius with a short temper who would loose it when I could not grasp maths and I grew to fear the who subject - and I was never home educated .
We and most home educators I know ( and we have lived in various countries ) do so because we want our children to have a wider education than school allows and make friends of all ages . All our children are confident people who are making a positive contribution to society .
As has been mentioned some do educate in a climate of fear and isolation but please do not tar us all with the same brush

I was and still comfortable with people that are the ages my parents would have been. I adore the elderly the way most people take to babies. No. I was not homeschooled, however, I learned my most important life lessons at home. I was sheltered and protected and oh so loved.
I think when we as parents make our schooling decisions, we are only thinking in love. Doing the best we know how. You kids don't come with a manual other than the Bible. There are no personality tags on you to lead us in the right direction.
I homeschooled my two boys. The oldest one is graduating this year, the youngest has two more years to go. The youngest is at the moment visiting his girlfriend's family (actually they are courting) who is a homeschooled child herself. They both at different times told me they want to homeschool their children when they get married and have kids (whether to each other or not). They had plenty of social interaction and no children shunned them. In fact most kids came to my house and asked me to school them too! :)
I also think there are a lot of people that come from terrible backgrounds. Yet they manage to rise above and make something of themselves, often without the assistance of a parent. You never stop learning. Maybe you should be thankful you had parents that loved you so much that she did give her life to you, but maybe it's time for not only you to be forced to make friends, but her as well. She is not forcing you to check with her for all your decisions. I think you may be afraid of failure so you check. Make one small decision without her and tell yourself you are big enough to face the consequences. See how it feels.
Judging the whole of homeschooling by one experience is like me judging the whole world by one person in it. I've met a bunch of homeschool parents and I have yet to see one ill adjusted child.

Hello, I am also a homeschool graduate however I have a very different feeling about it than you do. I do, however, want to tell you that I do understand how you feel and can relate a little with you. I had every opportunity to socialize with other kids my own age, both public and Christian schooled as well as homeschooled and I also felt shunned sometimes by them. My family has always gone to many activities in our community and participated in lot's of homeschool programs. The only reasons I ever felt shunned was not because of a difference in education, but a difference in spirituality (in-maturity in their walks with Christ). I played with kids in our neighborhood and at our Church, but I have never had any truly good friends besides my sister and the rest of my family. I talk mostly to adults now, not because I necessarily want to but because the teenagers and young adults in my acquaintance are not suitable companions to be around. I choose not to make them my "close" friends because of the bad influence they are to ME. I do not want friends who care more about their appearance, and their egos, and their social lives more than they care about their God and Savior. I want to have people around me who will build me up spiritually, not tear me down to their level. That means hanging out with the adults. I have made decisions and choices in my life (such as remaining pure before marriage, courtship, modest attire, not attending college, etc.), that have made me stand out and be separate from others who allow themselves to be molded like the rest of the world instead of being like Christ. Maybe the reason you feel so different is because you are different! Be glad of it instead of upset! God put you in your family for reason. He has a special purpose for your life! It sounds like you need to take some time to think of all the ways that homeschooling has been a benefit to you! Think of the blessing it has given you; a protected, sheltered home where you can learn to be a Godly young woman without all the corrupt influences that the world offers! Why would you want to be like the world? Cherish those talks with your mom (and dad) and don't let the world make you feel like YOU are the one in the wrong! They can never understand our ways and the reasons we do what we do because they are of the world, not of Christ!

Sounds a lot like my life without the "closeness" to my mother -- and I went to public school.

The problem was not the method of schooling, but the problem was with a disfunctional family; you would have felt socially inept regardless of your form of schooling. Public school may have helped you cope better because you would have found friends to hang out with -- that is, if you would have been allowed to -- but you would still have many of the same problems you do now.

I had a friend in public school whose mother locked her and her sister in a room any time she went out, and left them a bucket to urinate in. I was her only friend for a while. And although she was socially inept as a teen and young adult, she learned to accept what cannot be changed and is a beautiful social butterfly today. I'm still socially inept, but I no longer care :)

I find it interesting that most of the positive comments related to homeschooling are posted by parents, while the majority of negative comments are posted by those who were homeschooled. One of the issues I have with homeschooling is that as a teacher, I can't help but feel insulted by parents who feel that they are qualified to educate their children when they do not have teaching certification. What if I decided I wanted to operate on my child, even though I do not have a medical background? There are reasons why our educational system, even with all its flaws, exist. For parents who were educated during the 1970's and 1980's as I was, they need to be aware that school is very different today - some bad, but mainly good. Rote memorization and workbooks are a thing of the past. Children in today's schools are learning higher order thinking skills and collaboration that requires group participation. I have seen the detrimental effects of kids who were homeschooled: a lack of background knowledge and basic skills; no concept of time management; inability to relate socially to their peers, just to name a few. I question parents reasons for homeschooling - are they doing what is best for their kids, or exerting parental control and trying to live vicariously through them?

This is the first time that I have responded to one of these blogs.
This is certainly one of the sad stories that can come from homeschooling. I homeschooled my 4 children for all of their school years. Our desire was to put them in the local christain school but to do that I had to put 3 kids in daycare so that I could work to pay for the christian school. That made no sense. From 1989 until 2007 school happened in our home. Stories like Andrea reflect on parents that do not understand the value of getting your kids involved in other things that foster a relationship with their peers.
We had a christian school in our church but we also had homeschoolers and public school kids. There could be friction between the 3 school types but Sunday School helped to break those walls. My kids had friends at church from all walks of life. We also had them involved in 4-H. Because we have horses we spent many summers at the local fairs down in the livestock area. My kids became the most popular kids in the livestock area on the fairgrounds, liked by their peers and adults. Better yet, they brought their new friends to church. We also belonged to a draft horse organization that had things going on all year long. Again more friends were made.
You know I feel sad for Andrea. I chose to homeschool my kids but I did not choose to isolate them. This is a huge mistake that many homeschooling parents make. 3 of my 4 kids have gone on to college and done very well. They are well adjusted and to this day their many freinds still come home with them for a meal or a bed or just for a place to hang out. Please parents don't isolate your kids, involve them in organizations and church. Don't make them the "geeks" of the neighborhood and society. They have to go out and stand on their own someday, teach them to stand in this world while they are still in your care.

It's not the school that's the problem.

I was public schooled and I fit in well. I fit in by cussing, smoking, doing drugs, and having sex. No socialization problems for me with my peers.

Fitting in with peers is overrated.

And who says the umbilical cord should be cut at age five when a child goes off to kindergarten? The US government?

The umbilical cord should be cut at birth. And all of a mother's job is to equip a child to live in reliance upon God not in reliance upon the parent.

I thought I could better equip and train my children if they actually spent more time with me than they spent with teachers and peers.

Children become like the ones they love and spend time with. My children, unfortunately have picked up my weaknesses. They've also picked up my strengths. If I'd sent them off to school they'd have picked up someone else's strengths and weaknesses.

Oh well. God gave them to me to raise. I figure they'll survive despite that handicap. They'll wish I'd done differently on a lot of things, just as I wish my mom had done differently.

It's the way of life. It has nothing to do with homeschooling or not homeschooling.

As a homeschooling mother of three boys, this was very educational for me. But, I have to say after reading all the posts about this, I'm left still feeling like people (in general) misunderstood homeschooling. Especially the ones who comment about the lack of socialization (which is mainly a myth in my circles) of homeschooled children. My children are part of Sunday School, tae kwon do weekly, a homeschool coop with 12 other families that meets twice a month, music lessons and various other athletic or enrichment activities throughout the school year, which offers them countless "socialization" opportunities, both with other homeschooled children and public-schooled children.

While I really feel for the writer, what I took away from this was some good advice on what not to do for my kids. That being, allowing them to be kids (especially after school work is done), giving them plenty of opportunities to interact with people of all ages, not just their own peers and to balance the job of mother and teacher.

I can only think of a few homeschooled children whom I know that would fit any description of having social issues and ALL of them are shy, introverted kids who would probably be the same way if they were enrolled in public school. People seem to discount personality traits when they judge homeschooling. You simply should not make a shy person not shy or an extrovert not be outgoing, and if you do, you are not following Scripture's call to "train up a child in the way he should go." (That way being different for each child.)

Accepting Gods plan for our lives and learning to overcome the obstacles, trials, and tribulations that life brings is what draws us closer to God, and is part of His plan for refining us into His image. It is how we react to these situations that determines the next stage in our growth(socialy, spiritualy, academicly,... all aspects of our being) and in our path. Childhood scars caused by having parents that are overbearing, or absent from a childs life seems to be the issue here, and how to overcome the scars left behind, not homeschooling. I was not homeschooled as a child yet I suffered the same social problems listed above. I could not relate to my peers any better having been thrown into the lions den(aka public school system) at a tender age of 5 then someone who was sheltered from what is refered to here as being the "real world". Godly guidance is what each child needs. That guidance is a balance of what God expects of us as Christians, and what the world expects from us as members of society. There is no guide (other than the Bible, which can be interperted wrong) on parenting. It is, in and of itself a trial and error process. God knows all of this and He makes each one of us different for a reason. He allows each of us our unique circumstances (homeschool, public school, divorced parents, abandonedment, being smothered....) as part of His plan for our lives. It is through these circumstances that He is able to fufill His purpose in us. I am one of three children, all of who were neglected by our parents, left to fend for ourselves, socialy, academicaly, spiritualy, and finacialy. Society shunned us too. Society shunns everyone and anyone who is not what Society (at the time) considers normal, or acceptable. Out of the three of us not one of us ever felt accepted at school, church(we never went, yet we were looked down upon by those who went with pity, instead of compassion and a desire to help.) or the community. Yet both of my older siblings were very "popular". Apperances are deceiving. Homeschoolers tend to be ignorant of the life of a person who has been to public, or private school and make assumptions based on apperances, much the same way public/private school children do with homeschoolers. I know very few people that you could talk to anywhere in the country that went to public/private school who would be able to honestly tell you that the school experience did not leave them feeling scard in one way or another. They just learn to pretend to be something they are not earlier and are better at it by the time they graduate from highschool. The difference I see is that most of the children that go to public school do not end up with a close relationship with their parents like that of those who are homeschooled. Unhealthy relationship is what it is refered to above. By whos stanndards? Gods or society? Family is after all the second most important relationship we are suppose to have! Friends come and go, and in this day and age spouses do too. God and family are our foundation, and our refuge from the society of the day. Blaming our past, parents, or situations seems to me only a way of escaping the responsibility we have as a christian to forgive, and to move forward in our own life. We need to ask God to heal those scars and have faith that He will! He is after all, all powerful, all knowing, and present everywhere. Maybe those who allow bitterness, and resentment (both of which are displayed in the writings above) to reside in their heart and mind are really dealing with a lack of faith that God can, will, and is working in their life. I will pray for those above to see Gods grace, power, and for their healing. God has healed my scars, and allowed me to forgive, to build a relationship with others, and to be a part of society. The difference is I can accept that I am who I am because of what I have gone through, and that is how it is meant to be. God can and will use me for His glory ( our main purpose on earth) just the way that I am. Wether or not society accepts or denys me.

This is obviously quite an emotionally charged issue. I can come at this issue from both sides of the coin. My oldest son was not homeschooled. He was in tenth grade when I began homeschooling his three siblings, who were several years younger than he. He is now 28 years old and has challenges relating well to others; this fact obviously has nothing to do with homeschooling.

The other three children were homeschooled from various stages of elementary school through high school. All have graduated and successfully transitioned into college life. All have a strong faith and relate well to others. All have functional and healthy relationships with me and their father, whereas the child who went to public school has a quite different, much less wholesome, relationship with us. The mentality often found in many public schools -- parents are the enemy -- was imprinted on his heart and mind very strongly.

Andrea's experience was indeed unfortunate. As a homeschooling family, we also have known of homeschoolers who isolated their children to the point of not being able to function in society. To avoid that, we chose to belong to a support group that provided field trips, PE, band, and many opportunities for the children to be together in social settings, without the cultural garbage that can be found in the public school system. The kids learned to socialize with people of ALL ages, and they are not awkward with any age group. In that way, they are better socialized than any public school student I know.

I must agree with those who have posted responses and mentioned that parents with relationship issues of their own, or issues of fear, will pass those issues on to their kids, regardless of which educational choice they make. That said, I will also say that no one is perfect. Parents do the best they can. If you don't yet have children, when you do, you will realize the ways in which you judged your own parents, because you will see, most likely, the same traits in yourself. I learned this the hard way, having judged my own parents.

And to "Anonymous at Harvard," you have been brazen enough call several of the above posters "judgemental and critical." Be aware that there are four fingers of judgement pointing back at yourself, for your words are both judgemental and critical. If your attitude were one to be proud of, you might well post under your name, rather than anonymously.

Thanks for your perspective, Andrea. My experience with homeschoolers is a somewhat negative one but in an opposite light as Andrea's. For many years our family attended a small, very conservative church where most of the congregants homeschooled their children. Mine went to public school. Many of the parents had a superior attitude toward their decision to homeschool and viewed those who sent their children to public school as spiritually immature, having not yet seen the homeschooling light. This attitude was, unfortunately, picked up by some of their children, as well.

This attitude was very hard to understand and very frustrating for us. When a committee was formed to talk about outreach activities for the high schoolers, the homeschooled families said "great--your kids can do the outreach because we don't know any unbelievers!!"

Jesus called us to be salt and light and who are we going to be salt and light to if we stay in our holy huddle? Jesus didn't isolate himself and totally had a heart for people.

Homeschooling is neither an evil nor a panacea. Deuteronomy 6:7 says we are to teach our children God's word at all times. . . when we lie down, when we get up etc. Whether we homeschool or public school, believers are responsible for teaching their children God's word and to help them to be able to relate to, and be a witness to all people.

I can really relate to not fitting in, dreading college discussions, being on the "outside" and not being able to figure out how to "get in"........and I was never homeschooled! I did K-12 then college all through our public education system. I was in my early 30's before I even *started* being comfortable speaking in groups of people and getting the social skills that come so natural to most. Years of public school did not teach me how to relate to people.
There are several homeschooling families in our church and their children are active in youth groups, 4-H, volunteer opportunities in our church.... I've talked to many of these children and they were able to confidently carry on conversations with me and I observe them interacting with their peers like "normal" kids. Are there introverted "misfit" types like myself among them? You bet! But no more than I saw growing up in public school! I'd be very careful about judging homeschooling by a few not-so-social kids/graduates. I'm sure there are homeschoolers that do bad jobs, but there are plenty of bad public schools too. Our Kansas City MO public schools district just lost their accreditation due to their poor performance and there is no outcry against public education... I hate to see such judgmental attitude against homeschooling due to a few not-so-great experiences

Thank you so very much for your blog Andrea. Your honesty about your homeschool experience gives valuable insight and allows the pros and cons of homeschooling to be more thoroughly evaluated. Others who commented on parents who homeschool out of fear have a good point. How we raise our children must come from our faith, not our fear. I am encouraged by your blog. I think it will help many to be open and honest about their homeschool experience. Being open and honest can lead to improvement or different options.

I greatly appreciat the thoughts that have been shared. I attended Christian school K-12 and going to a large public university was a culture shock for me.
My only experience with homeschooling comes from being a teacher for 23 years. I taught in both public and Christian schools and realize some of the fears that parents are hoping to shield their children from. I do not believe that homeschooling is the answer. As the author express, she was ill-prepared to take on the "real world". I believe that it is important for parents to be the soft place to fall, the spiritual guide, and the moral compass for children as they deal with the day-to-day issues they face. If children are home schooled, they are not exposed to these issues and therefore do not develop the proper coping strategies.
I had children enter my classroom after being home schooled and they were like a fish out of water. They did not have the skills to cope in a social setting and would isolate themselves. As hard as I would try to include them, they would shy away from most interaction. The children that entered school at a younger age adapted much quicker than the older students. Many home school children entered school for the first time, as a middle school student; this often was a disaster for the child. The child would often last only a year and then the parents would home school them once again.
In extreem circumstances, I believe home schooling is the answer, but for most children, it is not. Children need the opportunity to navigate the world and the parents need to be the parents and the moral and spiritual educator.

The perfect textbook on this matter is the Bible. Imperfect people are everywhere! People with a lack of social skills are ever where. As children we may have our opportunities in public places to make social contacts. It could be a public school, a church (where you most certainly will find that no one is perfect), a home school group event, or just people in the neighborhood, the grocery store, a restaurant the list goes on. Opportunities are everywhere and you will grow up with them. But not everyone is going to be socially skillful. Not everyone becomes socially skillful at the same age. Some have it some have to learn it. Do your best. Don’t blame it on this or that. You’re smart. Just decide you want to do something about your lack and make steps to improve it. Don’t settle for the “I can’t” or “I can’t because…” excuses. We all have choices. We all have embarrassing social characteristics. We all make mistakes. Admit, confess, apologize, make it right, move on and move forward. Learning social skills can be considered an academic too. It does not matter at what age you decide to learn it. Just don’t give up or “sweep it under the carpet” or pretend it isn’t a problem. There are always social inadequacies in everyone. Social skills always have opposition. Enough said. You are bright enough to figure this out.

Wow, great topic and discussion. It was great to read all the different perspectives. I am a homeschool parent, have two boys 11 and 13. I have always considered socialization a topic in school just like math or reading. So many things in life like relationships, self confidence, honor and respect need to be taught to our children whether they are homeschooled or not. We can teach a lot by our example but we also need to be seeking out ways to teach and produce the qualities that are important for our children to grow up well rounded and balanced.
When my boys were younger around their birthdays or christmas I would go in their rooms and look through all of the toys to see what was missing, did they have large motor skill toys, toys to develope creative, toys to inspire learning and books. What new addition would help balance everything out. Sometimes it was easy to see what area was being missed. When I look at my boys now I don't just look at them academically but overall are they balanced in every area of learning be it academically, emotionally, spiritually, physically, because as a parent I am responsible to teach them all.
No matter what we do may we each seek God as we parent the children he has given us, praying to see them as He does.

Thanks everybody for sharing.

Reading brought back memories for me except I was not homeschooled. I remember feeling shunned at school except for one neighbor friend who eventually shunned me for the more popular girls in our grade. I was always more comfortable with adults than peers. We homeschool our children but they are active in church, neighborhood homeschool group and recreational sports. I remember feeling that if I was not included in a conversation that they were talking about me. They probably were not but I truly believe that they were. Still to this day if I am having an unusually stressful day I will start to feel insecure until I slow down and really access the situation. I think that anyone who is willing to go through the work to homeschool should be applauded for the contribution they make to their children.

Wow, reading your article, I have renewed sympathy for parents who try to be their child's best friend, and sympathy for the childrne. I love my kids, love to spend time with them, and personally think they are the greatest! - but I'm not here to be their best friend. Maybe when they are adults and married, then we will switch to friend, right now I'm Mom.
They are 9 & 11, and we homeschool. First because I believe it is the parents responsibility to ensure the best education for their children, and for my girls it is best, second because we don't want them taught in a secular humanistic environment, sanitized from God.
I do shelter them from what they need to be, but they also know the realities of the world.
I keep them home alot, and we do things as a family, but they also have friends at church. We do live outside of town, so keeping home is pretty easy. At first they didn't want to do Sunday School or Children's church. Sometimes I didn't make them, sometimes I pushed them. I've had them in outside activities, (piano, dance, etc)
They enjoy talking to adults, as they are used to talking about "real stuff and not what whoever on Disney is doing". They know how to talk to kids too, but they are frustrated by kids who want to park in front of a video game or tv, as they like to do stuff, or go outside. (they do have video games too, but find many of the kids they know prefer prefer violent fighting/shooting games.)
I know other homeschoolers who isolate their children, and I feel sorry for them. I also know public school children who were awkward and shy and never learned to relate to others. I know homeschooled children who were kept home to keep them from the world, to keep them "Christians" and ran off and married the first thing that came along. I also know Christian kids sent to public school who lost their faith.

Now that you are an adult, remember your life is now what you make it. I was raised by an abusive father, but after the first 10 years I learned that now its up to me. You can be who ever you want now. Step out and get past the fear. Talk to people. Smile, introduce yourself. It sounds like your mom had some need issues, but now they don't have to continue to be your problems. She may have kept you just as isolated even if you went to public school.

Dear Readers and Andrea:
True! All is true with this situation. There are Moms that homeschool but have outlets. I have never experienced this? In Texas, my home town, there are outlets for homeschoolers through the church, for all children being homeschooled and there are connections for Moms that homeschool. Perhaps this was not available then, or whatever the situation.
This does build character because Andrea did not cower away. I am proud of Andrea though. God is always on time though, 'all things work together for GOOD', to all the Andreas in homeschooling that go forward in this life. God Bless you all.

I am afraid that people are going to read this and think that the reason most people homeschool is to shield and protect their children from the real world, when I think it is in fact the opposite. At least it is for us. We homeschool to equip our children to handle the world from a Christian point of view. I don't think putting 25-30 5 year olds in a room with a couple of adults is any better than sitting at a table with mom. I think what happened with the author here is a unique situation and an expression of her personal one-sided viewpoint on the issue focusing entirely on the negative aspects and it really borders on being just a rant. It is very wrong to associate this with homeschooling in general, it is just one person's experience and how she views it. Albeit interestingly enough from an assistant editor at a Christian magazine. I'd have to say mom probably did at least a few things right. We all had problems with our parents, some moreso than others. I think of my nieces who have to deal with some pretty serious emotional abuse from an alcoholic father and they are only 5 and 9 years old. If only he cared about them as much as this young lady's mother cared. We aren't going to perfect in every way, and sometimes we put that onto our parent's as if they should and sometimes want to blame our failings on them. There is only one who was perfect and as for the rest of us, blame and anger are not going to help because it causes us to focus on the past and hinders our future. To forgive is to love.

Oh my how UNSELFISH your Mother was for giving up her life and career to stay home and care about YOU!!

One on one instruction is like a caring tutor... in todays schools you have to compete for help.

Why dont you try THANKING her for LOVING you and your life so much???

Instead of blaming her?

I would have loved for my Mother to be able to stay at home and teach me...and be my best friend all those years....remember friends grow up and go on after school....Mothers are alway