That’s Not Fair
When I secretly question, What about her, Lord? I'm inappropriately nosy.
“Mom, that’s not fair! Yesterday you gave Emily more money for the book fair than you just gave me!”
I remember this scene as though it just happened: In a mad dash to get my elementary school-aged daughters prepared for school one morning, I quickly surveyed their backpacks and homework folders and school lunches to make sure all was at ready. Check! Then I remembered it was Sarah’s day to attend her school’s annual book fair. So I scrounged around in my purse, dug out my wallet, and handed her several bills for making purchases. But somehow, Sarah, my eldest, knew how much I’d given Emily the previous day for her grade’s visit to the book fair—several dollars more than I’d handed Sarah.
Sarah’s protest caught me off guard, but it shouldn’t have. Girls only two years apart in age had a way of keeping score—and reminding me when I fell short.
My first thought was to hand over more cash, the easy way out; I was in no mood for whining. Then my acquiescence turned to annoyance. What does Sarah mean, “unfair”? I inwardly harrumphed. Does she have any idea how much her dad and I routinely spend on her? I thought of all of Sarah’s activities—her ice-skating lessons and private coaching, the costumes and registration fees and travel expenses for competitions. From purely a spending perspective, Emily, who’d not yet found her niche in any extracurricular activity, could claim to be the shortchanged one.
A little too sharply, I told Sarah it was none of her business how much I’d given Emily. Then I bit my tongue before I launched into a lengthier tirade. To be honest, I wasn’t sure how to justify my actions so Sarah would understand. How could I explain to this enthusiastic and capable reader that Emily needed more encouragement, more motivation, than she did? That giving Emily a few extra dollars was my way of trying to kindle within her a passion for reading Sarah already had?
I sighed as we loaded into the car. Would either of my children ever comprehend the big picture of parenting before they themselves became parents? Or stop comparing themselves to each other, as though book-fair allowances somehow equated to love?
Then another rather uncomfortable thought struck me. Don’t I behave just like my daughters when I complain about how someone else seems gifted with the bigger and better “toys” or talents I wish I’d received? And does God, my heavenly Parent, feel annoyed at my lack of gratitude, just as I feel about Sarah’s?
This disconcerting insight stuck with me. I realized that when I compared myself to others, conveniently forgetting how God alone knows all his plans behind our circumstances, I immaturely ignored the fact my heavenly Father’s parenting decisions might have purposes to which I wasn’t privy.
But, as with all spiritual lessons, I’m a recalcitrant learner who needs an occasional refresher, such as the bracing reminder I received while reading some passages from the Gospel of John a couple days ago. The resurrected Jesus had appeared to the disciples and cooked them fish. Then Jesus turned to Simon Peter and briefed him on the type of death he’d suffer for his faith (John 21: 18-19). Peter, ever the tactless one, saw John and blurted out, “What about him, Lord?” And Jesus quickly rebuked him: “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you {italics mine}? You must follow me” (John 21:21-22).
When I secretly question, What about her, Lord? I’m inappropriately nosy, more concerned about other people’s business than following the Lord. Whether it’s wishing I had someone else’s ability to lead, or to speak publicly (something I dread), or to make friends, or to excel in any other area where I perceive I’ve been “shortchanged,” my trying to keep score reeks of ingratitude for what I’ve already received.
Just acknowledging this makes me wince, because I’m revealing character traits I’d rather deny. But I suspect if we’re gut-level honest, most of us grumble an occasional “That’s not fair, God,” and compare our lot with that of others around us.
Thanksgiving is only a few days away. I need to remember Jesus’ words to Peter, to me, whenever I focus on what I don’t have and forget how much I’ve been given, none of which I deserve—“What is that to you? You must follow me.”
And perhaps someday, I’ll gain an even fuller comprehension of the big picture of God’s parenting, and stop equating blessings to my heavenly Father’s love.
Blessings,
Posted at 8:59 AM on November 19, 2007.
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Comments
Philip Yancey once wrote an article "The Atrocious Mathematics of the Gospel" and referenced the parable in Matthew where the workers were paid the same, at the end, even though it wasn't fair that some workers had worked all day, and some came at the very end of the day.
God wants to pour out His grace to all of us- and He basically tells us to put aside our measuring cups. There is more grace than we could ever contain. There is more than enough grace for each of us, and it's "unfair" that we should receive it at all. But thankfully, it is given to us.
Posted by: Lauren at Faith Fuel on November 19, 2007
Thanks so much for sharing, it makes me reflect about my complaint. Indeed God's ways are beyond comprehension but I must trust in His unfailing love. thanks
Posted by: Emily Amanda on November 19, 2007
Great insight, Jane. We all seem to repeat the question "what about me?" in so many different ways. If we could just remember that it's not about us and all about Him, we'd save ourselves a lot of grief!
Posted by: Lauren Yarger on November 20, 2007
Thank you for the wonderful reminder, Jane. We have such a great propensity to compare ourselves among ourselves, which Scripture calls unwise. I personally have struggled with this my whole life. Your posting causes me to grapple with the thought that maybe self-esteem issues (due to comparison) should be handled by repentance......a change of direction in my thought-life from focusing on what I don't have and instead choosing to be thankful for all that God has given me. Me thinks it is a repentance from arrogance to humility (realizing that God does see a bigger picture and has purposes far beyond what I can see). I am very thankful for your blog and this message, so timely for me tonight!
Posted by: Pam on November 23, 2007
I truly appreciate this offering. I am so guilty of measuring myself against others who appear to have so much more. I forget there are others who are measuring themselves against me and feel they lack, too.
I am trying hard to cultivate the spirit of gratitude and am finding it is a tough daily practice that requires my full concentration. I am not good at it yet.
Posted by: Mary K on November 23, 2007
After reading what you shared, I am reminded of a teaching on a verse that continually challenges me whenever I judge or am tempted to judge another person.
Romans 2:1 "Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things."
So whenever I judge or am tempted to judge another person--I ask the Lord where I have done the same thing that I am judging--I then find the Lord showing me many more places that I am doing the same thing that I am tempted to judge someone else on.
And I am humbled and I repent before the Lord.
Posted by: Spencer on November 24, 2007
Thank you for sharing this insight. God has reminded me of this many times. One of my favorite reminders comes from the Narnia Chronicles, when one of the children wants to know what will happen to another, and Aslan mildly rebukes her by pointing out: "That is not your story." And so I try to concern myself with the business of living out "my story" well.
Posted by: Ruth Hilbert on November 24, 2007
Ouch! Thought-provoking, to say the least :-)
Posted by: Beth on November 24, 2007
Hello Jane,
This was an incredible article. God does know the big picture. And I think it is important to remember that "to whom much is given, MUCH is required." God is shaping each of us, and He knows very specifically the issues we each have to deal with in order to grow in His image.
Having the extra "out-there talents" carries just as many difficulties as having the "not so noticed talents". There is much to endure - a lot of VERY painful molding in the hands of The Potter goes along with those "coveted" giftings - and more publically than the less obvious giftings.
Contrary to popular belief, often those humble giftings are more praised than the ones that require a person to be "out there in the public eye". A person with a gift of giving and serving is always warmly worshipped. While a person who has a prophetic or exhortative gifting which requires that they "speak up and be heard" (as this is who God created them to be) is often severely scrutinized (which doing so is important - as we have to be careful of what messages we embrace as Christians)
I am one of those people who has always drawn attention, even when I try not to. It is very difficult. I always feel rejected - whether I try to hide in the corner (then I'm the weird, mysterious chick) or I just be my God-designed self (talented, vocal, insightful) - then I'm one of those girls that people say "I hate you" to - which is supposed to be a "compliment" somehow??? Everything I say and do seems to foster more scrutiny or inappropriate praise than what others do. It is exhausting...and very lonely.
Truthfully, people who have the "obvious" giftings are just people under it all. They have just as much of a need for love, understanding and acceptance as anyone else does. And maybe the envy is vice versa - sometimes those with the "out-there" giftings envy the "more humble acceptable" gifts too...
Posted by: Becky on November 24, 2007
Hi Jane,
I thought that I was the only person who did these things. I look at others, and ask God "what about me" Am I simply here to recline in mediocrity. it is so boring. Thanks for the lesson. *** Cindy
Posted by: Cindy on November 24, 2007
Wow! Thanks for the reminder! I needed that!
Posted by: Elena on November 25, 2007
Hi Jane,
God has just spoken through you to remind us that He gives us gifts differently.
He will give us the grace to be appreciative of every gift that He has given us.
Posted by: Cecilia Olufemi on November 26, 2007
Hello Jane:
Your story is so real. Thanks for sharing especially new words for me to learn:
recalcitrant, acquiescence, harrumphed.
Kindest regards.
Dorothy
Posted by: Dorothy on November 26, 2007
No matter what our age, I think that this was a good wake up reminder, or just a reminder that life is not about me. That it is harder than it sounds.
Posted by: Sheryl on November 26, 2007
I have four children, three who are currently 15, 14, 13, and an 8 year old. I could relate so much to your story of your "morning rush routine", and how you became "unfair". So often, as mothers, we make choices that seem unfair to our children when we have reasons, as you pointed out, for doing so - sometimes reasons we haven't even recognized ourselves. My 13-yr old struggles mightily with feelings that life is unfair. He follows two very strong-willed, less sensitive and more assertive siblings, and has been replaced as the baby by our 8-yr. old. As his mother, I ache for him, and also find myself getting annoyed, short-tempered and less than patient with him. And realize that I then fall into my own "this isn't fair, why do I have to have such "extreme" children. Then I am reminded that being their mother is the biggest privilege I will ever be given- to be entrusted by God to care for HIS precious children for a while. I don't know what to do anymore to try to help my 13-yr. old. How can I get him to see the lens through which he is viewing life, and that he is created in God's image, deliberately, no mistakes, just as God intended him to be.
To Becky, who posted on Nov.24, my 14-yr. old daughter could have written your post. She struggles mightily with the issues that go along with being very gifted in many areas, and finds it a very lonely place. I would love for her to be able to speak to you, from an older -and further down the road- perspective.
Jane, thank you so much for the perspective that we don't realize that God sees the big picture, and that as he parents us (I don't often think of him as "parent", but more as my God) he, too, bases his decisions on things we are unaware of. Also, for all your scripture references, and a reminder that my kids aren't any different than the disciples were - we are selfish sinners. I think I will have my kids read this, and discuss it with them. This post came at such a good time for me, as I have really been having to deal with this issue a lot over the past few weeks. Thank you so much for your insights, God has used you to answer some prayers of mine. The same to all of you other women who responded - your comments are also appreciated, and I will be thinking how to apply/use them with my family.
Posted by: Terri on December 2, 2007
Thank you for this timely article, Jane. A friend recently e-mailed me--after quite an absense--spilling out all the wonderful, exciting things that were happening in her life. Very big deals in anyone's minds. People magazine et al. Publicity, invitations, applause. I knew immediately that I was feeling jealous. What about my story, my glory? And that is the point. Our stories are all about HIS Glory, not our human attentions--wanted or not wanted. I found that I was living my story by "just getting by." Not all the enthusiasm I once had. Not all the attention I once had. There were numerous ways I needed to once again "live with my whole heart, soul, mind." Pouring my all into the ones God has brought along side me for this time and this purpose. Thank you God for giving each of us your purposes. As it has been noted--it's all about you!
Posted by: Linda on December 5, 2007
u just spoke to me big time.
Sometimes i get jealous of people
thanks for the insight, God help me
Posted by: mosunmade on January 18, 2008
u just spoke to me big time.
Sometimes i get jealous of people
thanks for the insight, God help me
Posted by: mosunmade on January 18, 2008