What I have learned is that I have the right to stand up for what I feel, and not deny my feelings (as you expressed), but that I need to make sure I speak or write the truth in love. Even if it hurts. Even if it is hard. And going off on email is never a good idea. It comes back to bite me every time!

Its reassuring to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way (the way you have expressed that your default mode tends toward apologizing—even when its not your fault—to restore peace and harmony.) I've come to realise that it really takes great effort not to react in anger/irritation especially when a loved one has hurt you. Its so important NOT to react immediately no matter how much you're tempted to do so as more often than not, what you say or do when you react will tend to hurt your loved one-no matter how 'right' you are or how 'wrong' the other person is. At the end of the day, when it comes to relationships, especially family relationships, its not about who's right or who's wrong. Its about loving the other person and accepting the other person as Jesus has. Its about showing grace the way He has shown us grace. Its something I need to constantly remind myself daily in order that I may give up my 'rights' in order that I can be an extension of His love and His grace.

I do agree that 'going off' on email does not seem to be a good idea. 7 months ago I did the same to my siblings over their neglect of our mother. My reasons were good but it sparked a barrage of anger. The rifts are slowly healing - but I certainly discovered the wisdom of keeping quiet. I do not believe in repressing feelings, but I have learned that by taking situations to the Lord first He undertakes to change the situation - or give me the grace to bear it.

I have also thought "why did I get an email back that sounded like I said something wrong.... I only......well told the truth" My Sister is an alcoholic with a great amount of childhood baggage. She has never gotten over the fact that I grew up to be an adult. I should always be the "little sister that knows nothing". When I mentioned that the bus trip to my home to stay for a couple of days might be hard on her previously broken hip - Don't ask probably a banana peel - She took it as a rejection and that I didn't want her to come. From then she has not spoken to me - the only relative she has and the only friend. Emails have a way of delivering information in an odd way and sometimes the tone of voice needs to be heard WITH the words. I learned, next time I will call.

I have also thought "why did I get an email back that sounded like I said something wrong.... I only......well told the truth" My Sister is an alcoholic with a great amount of childhood baggage. She has never gotten over the fact that I grew up to be an adult. I should always be the "little sister that knows nothing". When I mentioned that the bus trip to my home to stay for a couple of days might be hard on her previously broken hip - Don't ask probably a banana peel - She took it as a rejection and that I didn't want her to come. From then she has not spoken to me - the only relative she has and the only friend. Emails have a way of delivering information in an odd way and sometimes the tone of voice needs to be heard WITH the words. I learned, next time I will call.

I do the same thing. I tend to react first and pray and think later. I do this often with my step Dad and Mom. My dad is a recovering alcholic and when things happen I tend to re live those past hurts as well. Our relationship is often on egg shells and I don't put a lot of trust in them when it comes to my feelings. I do try to honor and respect them though as parents and grandparents. Although I don't remember to do this all the time, I find that getting my feelings out in an email or in word and saving it for later gives me time to pray about it and ask God for guidance in what I say or should I just delete. I have found too that email often leaves a lot read between the lines even when you are trying to be kind in truth.
I'm also one who often feels I should be the one to apologize. My husband would tell me to quit apologizing all the time because he saw me doing it when I was not to blame. It really made me feel better to read your story today. I've just recently had an issue come up and I even sent an email without really praying or thinking it through. It's uncanny how God's sees and hears us and answers our prayers. I really think God was pushing me to ready your story and I'm glad I did.

I sometimes wonder "why did I get that kind of email message back when all I did was......well.....tell the truth". My Sister is an alcoholic who still has a great amount of childhood baggage. She has never really gotten over the fact that I grew up to be an adult. She still sees me as the little sister that doen't know anything never-the-less have an opinion. She emailed me that she wanted to come for a visit. I emailed her that I wondered if the bus trip would be hard on her previously broken hip. Don't ask - she told me it was a banana peel, yeah right. She took that as a rejection and that I didn't want her to come. She has not spoken to me since- her only relative and her only friend. I now understand that tone of voice needs to come WITH the words. I have learned my lesson, I now call.

I appreciate your transparent thoughts, Ingrid - reminding me to take it to God and He will either change the situation or give me the grace to bear it! Powerful!

This is a good word...I think it says in Proverbs somewhere about a fool speaks rashly but he (or she!) who holds his tongue is wise....I know there's many a time I speak to my husband or mother or a friend that are reactions or misunderstandings to what I thought was said or implied, and if I'd kept quiet and listened and perhaps confronted or discussed it later calmly all would have gone so much better.
I am glad you had fun on your weekend trip though before this happened...I have a black lab too, Anna, who is three...how well I remember the lovely puppy stage Boomer is in!! :-) love those black labs!
Blessings,
Kelly

A little bit ago I was very angry and frustrated at a friend and I called on a pastor. He told me to write down on a sheet of paper everything that I wanted to get off my chest, no matter if it was "good bad or ugly" Then you go back through and cross off everything that is emotionally charged and then you are left with the facts that lead you to getting your true point across and better communication. I can honestly say it really worked and when I think about some of those things I wrote when I was angry, I am so glad that I didn't say them because I really would have regretted it.

I recently had a friend say some hurtful things to me via email. Working from my gut, i also fired of the poor me emails. After many sessions with the Lord and with my counselor, I see that I can't control her thoughts and feelings, but I can control my own. Acting with quiet dignity I've said I'm sorry that you feel wronged. I'll be here if you ever feel you would like to continue this or any other talks Letting it rest will be key in this and future moments like this. Acting out of haste is so wrong in many situations. Thank you God for your wisdom

Learning to speak up when I should and in a tone of love has been a difficult path for me. I, like you mentioned in your article, would take the blame for everything to keep the peace. I began to pray years ago that God would give me boldness tempered in love. The scripture in Ephesians 4:25 has helped me. We are to speak the truth in love to each other (meaning face to face). But, I still struggle at times and shake like a leaf in confrontation. Being a pastor's wife has toughened me up too. ha.

This is a very important thing to remember. God encourages us to "pray about everything" but we often throw our human reasoning in and decide that God couldn't possibly have meant "everything." E-mails can be misunderstood even if we are not angry. People interpret according to how they are "feeling" at the moment so praying before "sending" is a great idea!

This is a very important thing to remember. God encourages us to "pray about everything" but we often throw our human reasoning in and decide that God couldn't possibly have meant "everything." E-mails can be misunderstood even if we are not angry. People interpret according to how they are "feeling" at the moment so praying before "sending" is a great idea!

I am learning through the Beth Moore videos that there is a difference between being a peace maker and a peace keeper. I have been trying to make peace at any cost, over a couple of incidents where I was attacked and terribly hurt. Now instead of reaching out and trying to be the "nice" guy, I need to understand who makes peace in my heart and what he wants me to do, rather than be the one to always apologize in hopes that it will make things better. That only lets the perp off the hook and allows them to repeat the behavior.

Thanks alot for your article.
It was really and heavily loaded for our benefits.

Our son recently married. The wedding was in a far away state, and we knew that many of our family members could not afford the trip, so we offered to pay for the hotel and airfare of our siblings. To our amazement and deep hurt, we learned that NO ONE from my side of the family planned to attend including my siblings who would basically have no expenses. One used surgery from three months before as an excuse, yet she took a three day bus trip with a seniors’ group within days of the wedding. The other said told us three months before that he had to get his apartments ready to rent. It is now almost two months after the wedding, and they still aren’t ready. Was that weekend really that important to the workload? Then I learned that they had bought a camper trailer. I was thrilled for them for that purchase, yet that was another wound in my side – that my son was not important enough to be a priority. To top it all off, many of my relatives sent $20 or $30 gifts while my husband’s family, who are in similar financial situations, gave $300 gifts plus attended. I commented to friends that now I know my family will not attend my funeral. One pithy retort was, “Why would you care? You won’t be there.”

My relatives call me the glue that holds the family together as I am the genealogist, attend every family event that I can, and arrange reunions. As the wedding planner for my son’s wedding, I expected it to be a quasi-family reunion. Besides my own pain, I shed tears for the huge hurt my son faced from their absence. His reaction was that, at pivotal points of life, you learn who your real friends are.

Several weeks after the wedding, I was still wallowing in self-pity wondering how I was going to ever relate to my relatives again. I asked my daughter to pray with me. Two days later, the pain was lifted miraculously and the revelation came to me that my hurting them would not make anything better. I love my family and want them to be a significant part of my life. If that is what I want, then I must recognize that their inability to support me is unimportant and unnecessary as my Heavenly Father is more that sufficient.

I recently learned an important tool when I have acted or spoken in ways that I regret that I'd like to share. Contact the other party, briefly state your regret and then tell you "What I wish I had said/done is . . . " In other words, could I please have a do-over? Also, another important tool is learning to listen to my emotions and when they are running high, to remove myself from the setting if possible, ask the Lord to quiet my heart and help me to honor Him first in the way I respond.

Hope this helps someone else.

I believe it is alright for you to express your hurt, your true feelings but do it in the spirit of love! Watch how you say it, what tone of voice are you using. Watch your body language, it sometimes tells a lot more than the words you say. Before you do or say anything, ASAP! Always say a prayer and then proceed in a kind and gentle manner.

I am still an outcast with inlaws who refused to respond to the truth on how they hurt my husband, the kids and I. Thier mode of communication has been to ignore the truth about ways they have wronged one another. While he was able to cope with this behavior and go along with the lie(s), the kids and I can't. They have since lied about me in response to our addressing them with the truth (in a loving way) and they have tried several times to make up with my husband but not with me. It puts me in a very awkward spot in my marriage. Either I go along with thier lie and everyone falsely smiles together, or I stand for the truth we all know very well and live in opposition to thier harmful behaviors. Speaking the truth in love about ways we have been wronged can sometimes lead to opposition and can lead to rifts in the relationship, however, it took years to build the courage to address their harmful behaviors, and it may very well take years for them to accept it. Any christian advice on this topic would be appreciated.

This one hit home! I have had to recently speak truth with love to my sister about the state of her marriage. What started out as a loving, concerned inquiry quickly became mired in anger as she told me to get lost and mind my own business. I was angered because her marriage is my business - she's my sister and I was her matron of honor, and having gone through a divorce myself, I had every reason to reach out to her. I simply hung up the phone before I said anything I would regret, but then realized with the help of the Holy Spirit that it was time to shed some Light on the situation, which I did with an email that was composed carefully, prayerfully and over a period of time. She didn't take the email very well, but I didn't expect her to. Still, she needed to have the path pointed out to her so she could correct her course. She still isn't speaking to me, but because of email, I was able to let go of my anger and speak to her in love, and I have peace that the Lord will carry on His work in her life. My point is that email, used thoughtfully and with guidance, can be a great way to distance ourselves from the emotion of a situation. It may not always give the desired result - I would much rather be speaking with my sister - but it can help us deal with the immediate issues of anger and hurt and sow some seeds that can lead to growth and holiness.

For me, I have a new rule in my life...
"The 24 hour" rule: quite simply...WAIT 24 hours before responding to the offensive email, conversation or emotional upset. Not always easy for a Type A personality like me!! But I learned the hard way too, after shooting off an unjust email or two.(OK, really 200)
Now, In my 24 hour waiting period, I can seek the Lord's GRACE to respond in a loving way and still get my feelings and needs stated. Blessings, Lisa

When I have received an emotional email from family members and want to fire off a gut response, I always take a second and have my husband (or a close girlfriend) read the original email and my response to it. They frequently have good insight, being outside the situation, and may offer a differnt interpretation of the meaning of the original email or make suggestions to reword my response to read what I really want it to say. This gives me time to cool down emotionally as well as avoid saying things I might later regret.

Being a low-patient , a hash-tuned person, I always make a daily prayer that God should give me the grace each day to relate to people (both an insider or outsider). Firstly, if I feel being wronged by someone I do keep mute in order to examine the areas I have wronged my loved one and if I am not guilty in any way I fix an appointment to see her on one-on-one discussion in order to let her know that what she did really hurts me. After that I quickly tell her that I have forgiven her and that ends whatever wrongs. I strongly believe in forgiveness as Our Lord Jesus always forgive us our wrongs.

It's funny you should bring this up. I always come up with ideas to do something special for my folks and low and behold, my older sister takes over. EVERYTIME. I am not looking for the glory of I did this or that, but I like to plan it. She told me she talked to our brothers and this is what we are going to do. I just looked at her and said, thank you for taking over, I really don't know if I could have come up with such a great plan. I have learned with her that I have to walk away and let her be the "star". She is the tall thin one, I am the shorter chubby one. Oh well, this too shall pass!

I have learned the hard way to wait to respond to hurtful actions. Those you love best are the ones who hurt you deepest, but remember, they are the ones you love best! I encountered a similar situation, but my response came too quickly, and I said some hurtful things. I apologized for the hurtful things that I shouldn't have said, but I pointed out that the actions they took hurt me. The event resulted in relationships that have never been healed, even though I have again asked forgiveness, and asked that they not hold bitterness in their hearts, but to no avail. It has been more than three years, and I still pray that some day the relationships will be restored.

Perhaps the best idea is to write the e-mail but do not click on send until the morning after you have read it over again after a good night's sleep.

WOW…Jane..thank you for the reminder! I have e-mailed friends/family in the heat of the moment. It always fails to heal. It only escalates anger. Others have done the same to me, at the very times I am vulnerable…tired and dealing with discouragement.
I have learned the hard way. What I now do is write the e-mail, and check “send later.”In the light of next morning, I reread my e-mail. I seek wisdom from God. The God who promises wisdom to the wise, knowledge to the discerning.
I have also learned in the last week’s study of Daniel (Beth Moore) that “The Ancient of Days” will right all wrongs. That is somehow comforting. Oh, it won’t be those “slights” that we all have to deal with…but the really big hurts and injuries from long ago that still resurface at times. Even though we “seemingly” have dealt with them. Even after counseling for those issues. And forgiveness.
Yes, I still must speak truth in LOVE. That’s the key. I can still express my hurt feelings. Whatever is not dealt with, will only get buried for a time—and will come back with a vengence. My lifelong coping manner was repression. God is about bringing healing to the deeply broken-hearted. I have found He will not give us more than we can handle…Yes, even when it seems LIKE IT. He gently nudges me onto new spiritual growth. I am still learning. And He does not give up on me. Praise God, I am still becoming a woman of God. That is a lifelong process. I think when we are not "HEARD" is the hardest of all.

Reading all these comments has encouraged me a lot. I have constantly been hurt by my spouse.
Each time i tell him how he's hurting me, he apologizes but then repeats the same thing or something similar almost immediately. I have told told him how i feel concerning how he makes me feel unhappy but i guess i can only say that he doesn't care enough about my feelings.
Before now whenever i reacted it was always with venom and with the intention to hurt him. But now i just keep quite or go somewhere else to cool off, then tell him my true feeling in a loving way.
Now i'm so used to him doing those things that i already anticipate what he'll
do. I really have stopped caring about his behaviour and as much as possible i ignore him.
Now i have learnt to pray first for direction as to how to handle the situation
and i trust God won't let me down.

I really don't like responding when I'm hurt, especially not on e mail. You never know who gets to read it and get a completely wrong interpretation of your personal expression of being hurt.
I would rather wait, 'cool off' at least a little bit before responding. And by the way, I would rather do it face to face. Facial expressions convey the right meaning without saying too many things, which might be further misconstrued with the tone of voice over the phone.
I still believe it's best to talk it over. There are those who enjoy hurting other people under the pretext that they are unaware of the effect their actions or inactions may have on people, especially relatives. I think such people should be called to order without creating more problems.

Only a woman would obssess over something so ridiculously trivial as a rude email. Geez- if women ran the world, we'd still be living in caves, crying over all the real and imaginary offenses that are a part of living in the world.

Isn't that like God. The very same thing that you all responded to occurred this morning. After praying about it and asking for forgiveness, I open my email and find this blog and the responses. So, I'm not the only one who is dealing with this issue of responding before thinking and then seeking forgiveness even if it's not my fault. I thank God for how He uses His word and fellow Christians to correct one another.

It's so good to see fellow Believers yielding to the Spirit!

I've been learning to pray Scriptures like Proverbs 13:3: “He who guards his mouth preserves his life, But he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction.”

Like the Bible says, our mouth (or keyboards) often utter what's in our hearts. I'm often guilty of rattling off too quickly. And "tone" counts too!

I've been amazed to see how God brings specific Scriptures to mind in the heat of the moment. Then I have the choice to obey.

I'm so glad to know that we can go to Jesus for forgiveness and then make things right with others.

I needed this tonight. As I debate what to do with my mother as I'm always at fault. She tends to bypass the email and calls at midnight phone calls that she claims "woe is me-you are such a thoughtless daughter". I'm pregnant and hormonal and just want to make peace when I'm 8 months pregnant. Plus I need rest. Yet, she is a Christian mother, but why do we do stuff like this when we claim to be Christians?

I loved the comment about Beth Moore "I have been trying to make peace at any cost, over a couple of incidents where I was attacked and terribly hurt. Now instead of reaching out and trying to be the "nice" guy, I need to understand who makes peace in my heart and what he wants me to do, rather than be the one to always apologize in hopes that it will make things better."

I'm going to take a prayerful stand.

Recently, I've been on the receiving end of a harsh response to a perceived injustice by my sister (my favorite of 3 sisters). I was devastated. Not only did she not allow me to explain that she had incorrect information, but she immediately thought ill of me when I've always been supportive and trusting of her. I didn't think I would be able to forgive her.

But because I have been forgiven of much worse, how could I not forgive another? After the anger and hurt subsided, God changed my perspective.Family members need each other. Especially in the midst of crisis- which my family is. My Dad is dying of lung cancer.

Thru all the crisis in my life, I have discovered one thing- crisis brings out the worse in people. I've seen it in my family and as a minister, I have seen it repeatedly.

well i must say that you are right "going off" wouldn't work...i can say that cuz i have been guilty of going off when ppl hurt me. i mean, yea it hurts but that doesn't give me a right to be rude and u know what everytime it happens its as if i get upset by the person's reaction cuz its as if their hurting me makes me feel justifed for goin off on them, but it really doesn't...i have been trying lately to let ppl know how i feel without going off and i must say, the reponse is alot better and i believe it goes back to Christ's instruction "do unto others' as u would have them do unto u...

be encouraged, u won't change overnight!!! u have to make a conscious effort to actually want to change before u actually do...

WoW!! I just went though this same thing with my mom last week. She made a comment that really hurt, I don't even know where it came from but I did just that I flew off the mouth & said I'll see you Friday for your doctor's appt, When I went home I felt horrible!!! I prayed then.!..! I talked to my ladies bible study group & they said to just let it slide because if I wasn't the cause of anything or hurting anyone then let her have her say & she can deal with how she feels and for me to just get over it & move on, not so easy for me when I'm always saying "sorry" , but I gave it a real try & Friday came & she never mentioned it & I haven't either. She just vented & I had to let it go with my prayers to our God!! He took over the situation & that can make a BIG difference, I hope this helps a little.

Some friends of mine and I went through this exact thing. I was very hurt by feeling like a third wheel when we were together, but I didn't talk to them in person about it. I'd tried that before and they just brushed it off as I was being too sensitive, which hurt even more. So, after one weekend of 'vacation time' together I came home hurt and fed up. I sent off an e-mail that I wasn't meaning as being mad. I was hurt. But, it came off as angry and not only that, I had just read something that went with my e-mail that offended them. I wasn't computer savvy then. Still not. But am I very careful now when sending e-mail! Anyway, the friendships ended badly. I don't think we should ever send e-mail when we're angry or hurt. You can't tell the tone or the feeling behind it. I loved these ladies so much, but now it's all gone. Looking back, I think these friendships were never meant to be, but I do wish it would've ended naturally and not harshly. Please take at least 12 hours to let the sting pass before going to that keyboard. You can't take anything back once you hit send. Do you need to take up for yourself? Absolutely! But do it in love, and in person. Sometimes someone won't be happy with you when you do decide to confront them. They'll try to make you feel like a loser or too sensitive, but that's their problem. You need to do what's right for you, with God's leading.

When I was young, the only outlet I had for my anger was to write scathing letters. They always got torn up and thrown away because I would have been hurt if they'd ever been found.

As an adult and a Christian, I have often wanted to resort to the same letter writing to people who hurt me. But instead of being afraid of being physically hurt as I was as a child, I now hold back because of a correction by my Heavenly Father.

Once, angry (again) at my dad, I started to pull out paper and pen, but my spirit checked me. "I have every right to be angry!" I cried to my Father. But His gentle response stopped me. "You have every reason to spew your anger, but you no longer have that right." His Lordship over me wouldn't allow me to write what could have been the last thing my dad read in his life.

I am so grateful for Jesus' Lordship and love for me. I am so grateful He doesn't fire off a hot letter to me because He has every right to feel what He feels. But instead He sends forth grace, truth and love. And then He reminds me I am made in His image and according to His likeness.

Thank you for this opportunity to remember.

This hits home for me as well. It seems the only way people communicate these days is through emails. We cannot understand the true intent behind the words. In some cases the words alone hit hard. I oftend get email about work issues with my colleagues. Usually they put me in a tailspin. I try to respond with facts about the problem. I end up feeling guilty over my simple statements. I tend to avoid opening email. Now I pray before I sign on. If a email upsets me. I sign off before responding and pray for God's insight. I don't want to respond with anger behind my words. It may take a day or two for me to get back to the sender. But that is okay. I want only God's way not mine. It is very hard to do. I am working on this daily.

Communication with in-laws has been an extremely difficult and often painful experience for myself, my husband and my son. It is nearly impossible to discuss the truth in love face to face with these people, even though the Bible instructs us to. My sisters-in-law have gone behind my back to the rest of the family and put their own spin on what happened, claiming I blew up at them and such. By the time I realized what was going on, it was to late, the damage was permanent. It got so bad that not only was most of his family not speaking to me, but they've turned many people in the community, school district, and his church against us. My son has suffered the most because of this, of course. He has no real relationship with his cousins anymore, however much they and their aunts try to kiss up to him now. He finds it difficult to trust people anymore. My husband and I are heartbroken over this. We pray for God to give us strength to forgive them and to guide us in our own reactions to these situations. We've started attending a different church, and they're very welcoming and friendly. Some of the women who've welcomed me invited me to Bible study there, and they've helped me so much in understanding biblical perspectives of handling conflict and forgiveness. I've prayed many times to find love and support, and I guess this is God's answer!

Pattie is totally correct- if we respond not in love we're moving away from God and our integrity of self, great article Jane. So much of the damage in this world is done when people can't back down and admit they were wrong or that it really isn't that important any more in the grand scheme!

Sorry so many people are hurting this Thanksgiving week; praying for all your relationships to be healed.

As for email- it's very quick and easy. I store anything contentious for at least 24 hours before I hit send now, read it back a day later. Many times I simply delete it then when I've had time to calm down....

Rule of thumb on emails:

Only use email for business communcation; sending or giving directions, times, dates itinery etc; or for sending an uplifting message. Or when it is important to be on record.

Never communicate feelings, advice or opinions in email, unless asked or unless positive.

Use the phone, or better yet speak in person. The relationship is two sided, and in my opinion email is often like being
'talked at". If the relationship is important to you, pick up the phone.