Wow! I needed this!! I'm struggling with this right now with my "best" girlfriend. And it hurts. I look back over the years & can see where 95% of the time, it's me. I've had this happen to me before also & I think I'm learning to let go & not loose sleep over those people. It's exhausting to always be the initiator, but I'm learning it's not always something wrong with me.
Thank you for this.

I've been there! Totally. It happens when you move as often as we do (every 2-4 years or so). Sometimes it's time to let it go, while other times it's worth it to stay connected. Email works well for me and my long-distance friendships, though. That and free cell phone minutes :)

Yes I have experienced really similar situation. I became a dear friend to a girl from high school about 17 years ago. We were not friends in school, it was after we started families that we met up again and became friends. I thought we had a friendship that would last forever, not realizing that this was very much a onesided relationship. I was always there for her in her much chaotic lifestyle. I was her stability. Alway supportive, shoulder to cry on, ect... It wasnt till about 7 years ago. I needed her. My brother had been diagnoised with Cancer, My mother was critically ill, since has passed away. I needed that friendship reciprocated and she was not there. I called her and called her, she was always busy. She never once called me during my difficult time to see what I needed. It was very hard loosing that relationship. But as years have passed I can see that God gave me to her when she needed me. And when I needed her, God gave me himself instead. I see her time to time in passing. Not much gets said, that is if it is not about her.

I am a non-initiator. The one who doesn't call. (Hardly) ever.

Because of fear. (If I call, I'll just bumble and fumble and embarrass myself.)

Because of time constraints. (Six kids, home business, ministry committments, life--I want to see her. But when? How?)

Because of old wounds. (Sue and I were close. And now she never calls or drops in. I think there is something wrong with me, something flawed.)

Thank you for the grace to not give up on the non-initiator. You have no idea what your faithful friendship means.

And I hear you. I'll take a deep breath, smile, and start picking up the phone more.

It's my turn.

Great thoughts, Jane! Seems like few relationships are all that equal--including with family. With my parents, I've always been more on the receiving end, and probably always will be. It's probably natural for them to see themselves in the role of givers, and their children as receivers.

One flipside of your post might be Nancy's post on being the "bad friend." I thoroughly relate to that: I have gal pals who I deeply appreciate, yet I always seem to blow it when it comes to staying connected. For me, it's really important to let my friends know how I feel about them. My closest friends know that words and gift-giving are my primary love languages. Hopefully, when my other love languages are lagging (like quality time!), they'll still know I care.

I can certainly relate to the issue and have felt the same hurt and insecurity (as a man), but I disagree with some of the points made. It's not necessarily about who reciprocates you as a priority, or who's needier or narcissistic. People are hard-wired differently. Just as some people are Type A or B personalities, some people need friends around them to relax and be energized, while others need solitude, because for them being around people, including friends is draining. There's nothing wrong with either approach, they're just different. Life moves fast, and I wish I could invite my friends along for the ride, but they have their own journeys to travel. It's just harder for some to make themselves available than it is for others.

One older friend put it to me this way: "What difference does it make who initiated the contact if the experience is positive?" That lady, incidentally, initiated the majority of her contacts with me.
Some friends will let me know clearly they don't want contact. One out-of-town person changed her email address and didn't give me her new one. She was moving on. Another friend didn't return phone calls.
I try to ask God to make it clear whether it's His plan for me to stay friendly with this individual or let her go. My hubby reminds me not to judge. Do men even fret over these things? I doubt it.
Oh, and occasionally a "friendship" will get toxic, and I dump THEM!

I'm on the other side of this. But here's my perspective.

I am the receiver in our friendship. My friend, the instigator, decided that she was fed up with always suggesting what things we should do. She ended our friendship and l'm really sad about it. I really enjoyed our friendship. But It looks like our friendship is over.

I want to still be friends but l really don't know how to instigate stuff. I'm a homebody and don't really go out much.

What should l do?

I think we can all relate to this experience. I have a childhood friend who very rarely returns my phone calls (she lives in another country), but whenever I visit, it's like old times. So it's not always "she's not that into you", maybe it's circumstances or she may be struggling with her own issues. If you really enjoy her company and want to continue the friendship, it might help to be blunt and ask her why she never calls.

Friendship is a continues process that needs nurturing from both individuals. If that doesn't occur, then the foundation is weakened and the potential for a collapse is great. Do everything you can to balance friendships, there is nothing better than a friendship that is shared equally.

:) None of I consider good friends have been calling me. I have one friend who usually calls me for emotional supports when she is upset with her husband, but when things are going well with her relationship she seems to forget I still exists. Maybe she is just busy :) I wonder if God is teaching me when I feel rejected that is the way He feels when I am feeling rejected, but He continues to be my friend even when I seem to forget about His friendship. ;)

I've dealt with exactly the same issue- and you're right, my friend was struggling in ways I'd never imagined. She was holding in feelings she just couldn't get out- to anyone. I wrote her, apologizing and asking her forgiveness. I also asked what I could do to make our relationship stronger. She told me she wanted to think on it, but she'd get back with me. After 4 months, I've yet to hear from her. It makes me sad, but I don't want to force anything on her. I love her more than that. I can only pray God will take of her and she will be healed.

What an excellent article topic. Thank-you for writing about it.

Sadly, it isn't always clear what the Godly response should be in a situation like you are describing. Rejection in any form does a number on your self-esteem, but perhaps a passive rejection, where one party is just left to figure it out is worse. I suppose it would be better just to reject out-right, at least everyone would know where they stood and the frustration wouldn't be prolonged.

It takes two people to remain friends. Otherwise let go...and don't harbor resentment from it...it'll just end up hurting you. But if you want to remain in that relationship (and give it another chance) express your view to the other person not just with feelings, but also with facts. I totally agree that friends are like seasons...some remain longer than others...read Ecclesiastes 3...and if you find a best friend for several years, count it a blessing! It's work maintaining true relationships...sometimes we have to learn to take "hints"...not all people are used to expressing their feelings (they might be non-confrontational).

I?ve been in this situation (doing all the initiating, never getting return phone calls, etc.) with a couple of friends that I?ve known since our early years of elementary school. One eventually came around by maintaining excellent email communication as it?s easier for her to write than talk on the phone with 2 small children around her constantly. Sadly, the other became more, distant, selfish, and self-centered as time went on. Her apologies for not returning calls or cancelling on plans became empty and meaningless as she never did anything to change her hurtful behavior. While it was difficult to accept since I?d known her for so many years, and had been there for her in many ways as well as major life events (wedding, birth of children, etc.) I eventually realized she wasn?t going to change. Her own agenda was more important to her than making a little bit quality time to spend with friends that she?d known for close to 30 years. I stopped getting frustrated over what was clearly out of my hands and took control by not calling or emailing anymore and I feel so much better for it. Maybe some day she will come around, but I fear that will be the day that she wakes up and finds that she has alienated all of her friends (She has done/ said things to other mutual friends that have nearly severed the friendship permanently) and has no one to talk to because they don?t want to talk to her.

Since I'm single, and ALL of my close friends are married, I'm the one who keeps in touch. I sometimes wonder if I stopped calling would I ever hear from any of them again? I know that since they have families, and I don't, that they are really busy, but still, an occasional call to see if I'm still alive would be nice! There have been a few friends that live out of town that I've just stopped calling recently(in the last few months), and it will be interesting to see if I ever hear from them.

I'm basically a non-initiator myself and, yes, sometimes it is that "I'm just not that into her". I wonder, however, which is better, to have a person just suspect "I'm not into her" or for me to say thanks, but no thanks? I've also been the initiator of relationships, and I know that I would rather just suspect than to have all doubt removed by out and out rejection! =)

Other times, it's just life and the fact that I flat do not need as much social interaction as other people seem to. I generally and genuinely enjoy the company of my friends when we are together, but by and large I'm content being a homebody. Fortunately most of my friends understand that and take the attitude of the woman noted above "who cares who initiates if the experience is positive"?

A little less score keeping all around would bring peace to all. Isn't that part of unconditional love?

Sarah's post reminds me that there's usually more than one side to every story.

I've learned to look at other factors besides who initiates the phone calls and get-togethers. One good barometer is how she treats everyone else. Does she act chummy with her other gal pals while neglecting me, or is she reserved with everybody?

How do I FEEL when I've been with this person? Do I feel uplifted, or do I feel ashamed and inadequate? I've ended friendships with women who did initiate the contacts. It's no fun to be with a "friend" who is negative, critical and disrepectful of my emotional boundaries. Also, trashing my husband is a no-no. (*notable exception: evidence of possible domestic violence is a cause for concern.)

I think this is a feminine thing. Never once has my husband says of one of his buddies: "So and so never calls me. I only call him. He must not like me." If he likes the guy, he gets together with him, no matter who initiated it. If he doesn't care for the guy, it wouldn't matter if the guy called him 10 times. I really don't think my husband keeps score on who calls whom.

I think I have mostly been the instigator. One instance it really hurt to know they would instigate with others but not me....thus they must not have been that into me. Others I have backed away and they have instigated and I felt better. Sometimes I suspect I have been the receiver and it is generally when I have been overwhelmed.

It's interesting because I just posted a MySpace blog about this recently. A friend was to busy for me for a year, and now I'm supposed to drop everything to go to her bridal shower and wedding. After evaluation, I realized that for me right now friendship has to be a two-way street, and people who aren't giving back (and there are one or two others) I need to move on from. For people saying they are the non-instigators - have you thougth of sending an email just asking what the other person is doing lately or how are they? You don't have to plan an outing, but to turn the questions asked of you back at the other person.

Guess this is another subject which many people are struggling with especially the single. I am in my 40s and many of my classmates are married and with children. Being single, I always try to spare sometimes to arrange to meet my classmates at least once a year. I am always the one to initate the gathering and if I dont we can go on years without meeting each other. I treasure the friendships and I still make an effort to arrange the gathering all these years. Sometimes even taking the effort to have a one-to-one session with them as I feel that they need a breather from their family commitment. Some of my classmates tend to take me as the point of contact for the rest. Well, sometimes I do feel one-sided but when I think of Jesus I just have to perserve cos' Jesus also loves us first before we love Him. So is ok for me to show my love to others before they love me. Just imagine what life will be like if Jesus would to tell us He will only love us if we love Him first? Our God loves us and He is there to provide the love to us even before we are born so we too should follow His example to love others and not expecting the other way round.

I am a guy and I thought this was a great article. I am single and really struggle with the time I have and who I decide to spend it with in this very busy life! I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for almost two years! I struggle with spending time going to AA meeting and church meetings and bible studies! They both mean so much to me! I needed both to get sober and want and need the support of both! I love my AA friends and my church family! I think people are in are lives to pray for and not always there to releive are God size hole in our hearts that we try to fill with people, places, and things that seem to give us instant gratification. I am loneliest when I am farthest from my Lord and savior Jesus!
I struggle daily to turn my will and life over to God even though I always feel better when I do! Can't wait to spend eternity in Heaven. I have so much to learn because this life can be so unfulfilling at times!

Wow! Have I been needing to find this!! I am a person with little to no self esteem and am always feeling alone and rejected by friends and strangers. Now as I am facing a divorce, the people who call me are few and far between and I refuse to give them any responsibility for it. It is me who is ugly, damaged, too needy, unlovable. I know God wants me to turn to Him, but what happened to the body taking care of it's members? Certainly not all the women I know are hurting as badly as I am?
Thanks for letting me know I am not alone in the loneliness boat.
hugs for the journey!

I wondered whether I am the one with the problem. Maybe I said something wrong etc. its a great encouragement to know am not the only one dealing with luke warm friends. I 've decided to nourish and make the most of my REAL friendships. I also realise that sometimes God puts us in certain situations to make a difference, even if it means helping someone get through a difficult situation and then they forget about you once its over.

God help us, as women, to be patient and longsuffering with one another. It often seems that within our culture we continue to feed oppression with our expectations and judgements of one another. God help us to bless one another, be authentic with one another and forgive one another so that our relationships can deepen and point us in a direction that leads us to the lap of God.

I recently decided to let someone go who is constantly breaking plans to meet up. She is a newly single mom with 2 kids, and I am single with no kids. We live very far away from one another in Atlanta and our work schedules differ. Thanks to God's grace I am meeting new people who I have more in common with and I have decided to become more active in my single's ministry at church. Another friend who is married and has 2 kids is someone I am growing a part from as well. Her not being a churchgoer and not stretching me as an individual is my major beef with her. We talk at work and occasionally on the phone, but that's about it.

Well, rather it be nature (wired to be outgoing or wired to be a homebody) or nurture (self centered narcissism), we all have to get over being selfish. And that is hard b/c that is our sinful nature. All relationships, including marriage, ends over selfishness. We don't like giving out of discomfort ie. when we are busy or sad, etc. Remember love is not about getting, it is about serving according to that person's needs and desires. So if a friend needs space give it to her but if she needs a phone call, please step out of your comfort zone to serve her.

Right on time. I have dealt with a similiar situation. I new this friend for over 10 years, back then we were having a good ole time partying and hanging out but once I began growing spirtually things changed. But God has just been awesome in allowing the time between us to foster her relationship with him. And move us into a place of forgiveness and a different friendship. So although for a while she was "just not that into me" & my new lifestyle I thank God for a new relationship were we can have a good ole time in Him together.
P.S.
I don't want to lessen the fact that it was rough, frustrating and exhausting always being the initiator and forgiver and "bigger person. But keeping her in my prayers and distant helps with that.

I just realized that MY SISTER (biological)
is not that into me. I'm going through a really rough season now. Emotional and Financial and even though I talked with her and asked her to help me. She was distant and said she could not help me.

It hurts (1) because she is my sister and (2) because I've always been there for her.

She is going through some medical difficulties now and NOW she calls me everyday to ask me to pray for her or tell me that she is depressed and she is worried about the outcome of her test. I feel so used and abused.

As a Christian, I know I have to pray sincerely for her and myself. I have to remember when God loved me more than I loved him. It still is VERY DIFFICULT.

Please pray for me.

I have several close friends with whom there's mutual initiation. And I have some friends, where I'm much less willing to initiate. With those friends, I feel I've become the "designated listener." I'm interested in others, so I can be that person for a long time, but eventually, I resent not being listened to, and I back away. Awhile ago, I realized the resentment was becoming an issue and started praying about it, and God's been showing me a few things: 1) I have to forgive the talkers. Ouch. Ok, working on that... 2) He created me to be a good listener and there are times when He wants me to serve by listening. 3) He also created me as an introvert and it's ok to set boundaries. Still trying to discern when to serve and when to set! It's not always clear. 4) As a Christian we are called to confront at times and there are times when I need to tell my friends (in truth and love!) why I've backed away. Confrontation - not one of my favorite things. I did talk to two friends individually and they listened. One has since "forgotten" that conversation, but the other one is working on it...

As an initiator, the important lesson for me is not to harbor any resentments toward those that don't reciprocate. I'm learning to love those friends where they are. Thanks for this encouragement that it is a universal problem and not just happening to me.

I don't know how other women do it, but with one full time job that requires a lot of travel, a second part time job as a Spinning instructor, two school age children, a husband, a house/yard, aging parents and church -- I don't have time for my friends. I don't have the energy to go out -- I just want to stay home and veg with my husband and kids whenever I have the opportunity. One of my friends told me my lack of commitment to our friendship really hurt her feelings, and that it was important for her to feel I was as into nurturing and continuing our friendship as she is. Her friendship is truly important to me. I love her dearly, but please accept that for the time being -- until my children grow up -- spending time with girlfriends is probably not going to be very high on my to-do list. Some women put friendship higher on the priority list than others. Because I'm the primary breadwinner for my family -- I've made the choice to de-prioritize girlfriends until my kids grow up. Does that make me a bad person or a bad friend? I don't think so -- I've just made different choices about what's important to me now. Aren't I allowed to do that without being called a "bad friend?"

This was so refreshing to read because I too have had a separation from a close and dear friend. She was not just a friend, she was also my mentor. We are both in Ministry, and she recently became the Pastor of the Ministry God called her into, and I was there to help her with the Administrative and Office matters. God recently separated us because our "season" was over. Jane was correct, there is a season and a time for everything, and our seasons don't last forever. You will experience "separation issues", but it is not always about you or even about the other person. It can be God moving you to another level, and the purpose of your friend is no longer necessary - God is placing "new" friends in your life at this "new" level. Be encouraged that the pains of "separation" are not lasting. Once you realize this may be a good thing and that God has orchestrated the ending of the relationship, trust that He will place someone else in your life that will be a "friend" for a new season. We are all on a "journey" and journey's are not forever - there is a beginning and an ending.

This is a great topic!

The thing is, women's lives are constantly changing!

A few years ago, my family moved to a new town, a 20-minute drive from our previous home. The day my husband moved us in, my Dad passed away after a long, pain-filled battle with cancer. My Dad and I were very close and his death was devastating to me.

My three children were 13, 4 and 2 years old at the time. The two younger ones came down with chicken pox a few days after my Dad's death.

So, I had a new house that needed painting, boxes everywhere, sick kids and a memorial service to plan! I did not initiate friendships with any of the new neighbors, I could not.

It took me a long time (months and months) to begin to create a new normal for my family.

During those months, I discovered that very few of my friends were really into me! If I wasn't taking the initiative, we didn't see each other. I had no initiative in me to take. I just wanted to hunker down and love on my family. So I did.

I have fewer friends now.

I know there were times when some of my friends (and even the new neighbors) must have thought I was just not friend material, but the ones who were clued in realized that I was really having a hard time and could not (for a season) take the lead in friendships.

We need to be careful with our friends, they may be experiencing some deep pain or insecurity that is holding them back.

I say pray about it and still pursue the friendship! My BEST friend did that to me for a couple of years before I caught on that I should call her once in awhile to initiate a get together! I'm so thankful she never gave up on me or I'd probably be a loner today! Praise God for my "pushy" friend! Pray for that friend too!!!!!

This is so real in my life right now. Have a group of friends (some around 20 yrs) that we have all been involved in a small group together. I being the organizational type would always organize and schedule the gatherings. Last year, I sent a email out inviting everyone to our house for a fall start up meeting and barbecue. NO ONE responded until the day of. I let it drop, but then earlier this spring when confirming a gathering at a members house, she said she would call me back after confirming with her husband because she would be out of town. I NEVER heard back from her, until 2 months after the gathering. She left a message for me on a Friday night, I was gone all weekend and left a message for her on Monday when I returned. This was about a month and a half ago and I have yet to get a phone call back. Another friend went through really rough time in her marriage. I would call several times a week, email, listen, etc. The last few times I called she was more pre-occupied with her kids than our conversation. So, I stopped calling. She called me once, 3 weeks ago, I was in a meeting with a client and told her that I would call her back, and did 3 hours later, got her voice mail, left a message and have not heard back from her since.
I am not going to initiate anymore conversations, small group gatherings, girls nights out because when I have really needed my friends, they have not been there for me. You know, a phone call to say hi wouldn't take that long. Or an email. They all have my cell number. I don't really think I am expecting too much, just a return phone call, but apparently I am. It really hurts alot. I have taken some steps to start friendships with a couple of new people, but it just takes time.

What a timely article and interesting comments. I too have been feeling this way about several of my friends. I'm in my 50's, fairly recently divorced, and to also have some "so-called" friends drop the ball did a lot to my already low self-esteem. However, as others have discovered, I too have discovered that true friendship is a give and take and mutual response. Some friendships need to be let go of, and that although it seems painful to let go, it can be freeing.

Great blog entry! I can totally relate. For most of my post-collegiage life, I have always been the initiator-- regardless of whether my friends are married or single; heck, I'm the one even in my own family!

Sometimes, I do look at it as a gift; people usually are okay with what I'd like to do, but sometimes, it feels like a curse because if I don't, no one else will.

I think some are over-spiritualizing this a bit. We are human and are made for relationships; first with God, then with others. A relationship takes TWO ("If two touch and agree..."). Don't forget that Jesus lived on this earth and HAD FRIENDS (his closest were the disciples). If our Saviour needed friends, why are we supposed to think that can go without?

No one is meant to walk in this world alone. It is frustrating and painful to go through. In my case, my best friend only occasionally is active in our friendship, while I do all the calls, make treats she can share with her family, etc. Being single, I don't have the luxury of the excuse of "I've got kids and a husband". (A note to married women: please don't forsake your closest friendships just because you have a family. If something happened to your husband or kids, you ARE going to need someone to stand by you and count on. If something happens to YOU, you ARE going to need someone to show you they care. Just go to any nursing home, and you'll see how lonely things can get.)

Please pray as I do that God will bless us with fulfilling friendships. Real Christian friendships are a gift from God and are not to be taken casually. They are to be cherished as precious jewels!

For sure, people mostly come into ones life for a season yet I have learnt not to regret and as I go along lifes journey I am yet discovering new companions,new friends ,who appreciate the imput I make into their lives,vice versa -should the time to cut ties occur, so be it-the positve memories will always be cherished.

I enjoyed this blog as it gave me an opportunity to see the other side of the coin. I am not really a social butterfly and just never have been. I feel content with my hubby and family life and just don't seem to feel the urge to get together with my girlfriends. I rarely, if ever, intiate a get-together and now realize how it may be perceived. Thank you for the eye and heart opener. :)

I'm new to my area and find this to be true with the women I am trying to become friends with. It seems like no one has room in their lives for "one more friend." Thank you for this. I really needed to hear it.

How timely. As I read all the other responses, I realized it is something we all struggle with whether we are female, or male! (thanks John for your input). I feel more at ease with my own frustration with friends who never make the first move.

However, one other thought, perhaps the most important one for me, kept crossing my mind: how often is God the only initiator in the relationship between Him and me? How often am I the silent one? You have given me much to think about. Thank you!!

YES! I once had a "girlfriend" named Gloria. I really had an interest with her, but she would never return my calls or anything like that! I even sent her a Christmas card hoping I'd get one back from her! Nothing was ever received--not even a jive post card! So I had to write her off and move on! It's too bad though, since she was very sweet.

Oh well...

I am the one on the other side of this article. I am the one who doesn't initiate, who sometimes doesn't respond, who often neglects my friends.

And I have to say, that selfishly, this is a result of very deep emotional pain and struggles that I am going through. My marriage is in a difficult place. I am feeling unsettled and disconnected in most areas of my life.

You see- I was raped by a stranger at a public recreation center a year and a half ago. It comes on the heels of a lifetime of severe abuse from my family of origin.

It takes all the energy I have (and then some) to stay alive every day.

And I know that sounds melodramatic, but it is absolutely true. I desperately need my friends. I also need to be able to run away if I need to. I need to be able to sit in a cave and hide in order to be well. I need to be still and receive healing and grace and forgiveness.

I know I won't always be in this place. But I am right now, and while I am lucky enough to have a group of friends who totally understands, I do know that I frustrate them more often than I realize. But I couldn't keep going without them, and when I am able to tell them that in a special way or when I find the words--it brings us even closer together.

If you have a friend who is non-reciprocal, you have the choice to stay with them or to leave them. Do whatever you need to do. But consider that it really is true--you may have no idea what is going on in their life, and they may be too afraid to tell you. They may just be too afraid in general. But it's a reflection of them not of you. And if you can remember that, your mercy will run long and wide and deep.

Okay...
(1) I agree with you.
Some people just don't call you or initiate things because they don't really care all that much about the friendship.

The test is in the pudding. What are they saying to you when you do talk? How do they act when you do get together? Do they even think of you when you are not around?

And, when you do re-prioritize:

If they are social friends only, and not close friends, it's up to you to determine if they are worth keeping as social buddies (e.g. for when you need to throw a superbowl party or play soccer). Maybe they are just business associates, people you talk "shop" with. You'll need them someday. Don't burn all your bridges.

(2) I don't agree with you.
In the case of some folks I've met, they really don't have time to pick up the phone during the day. Life is really that busy. So, indeed, they may really be "into you" but not able to maintain the contact that one needs or requires.

Also, some folks are just not good initiators or really hate talking on the phone. So, one brings a sigh of relief by always initiating. One can be a helpful friend and teach the other how to initiate by encouraging them to initiate and suggest how they can do it -- thanking them for doing so when they do do it.

Or, if one always initiate, maybe they figure the job is already taken. So, they can sit back and relax, knowing one will call soon to organize something.

I just thought of another reason folks might not want to get together -- FINANCES!!!

I've certainly been guilty of avoiding my friends because I couldn't afford to hang out with them. (They do not like to stay in.)

Maybe your friend is financially struggling and won't admit it.

I have so many relationships like this - when we get together - it's great, but I always have to initiate the trips to lunch, starbucks, etc. I also found that I was most hurt by a former male friend who was like a brother to me (and lives across country), that after he got married to a very needy woman, our conversations seemed to drop off the face of the earth. I have only talked to him briefly a couple of times since going back to attend their wedding 5 years ago. I'm still trying to let it go, and if he wants to say hi, he knows where to find me. It's hard keeping up those 'one-sided relationships'... but when you really need them, they are right there beside you!

I can sure relate. Many times I have been the initiator with 2 friends. If I don't call we never get together. I finally got to the point where I thought enough is enough. If there is to be a genuine caring about each other/2 sided relationship the other person has to be the initiator once in a while. When I stopped calling the other 2 just seemed to disappear out of my life. I was very hurt initially, but finally have let it go and don't stress over the situation. God is in control and if we are to have a 2 sided friendship He will do a great work in of our lives. Until then I do have some other friends who are initiators along with me. We have committed to getting together every 4-6 weeks to work at keeping our friendships alive. After 4 years we still make time for each other for lunch or tea and have a great time together.

This story perfectly explains one of my previous friendships.
I was talking with a good friend just today and mentioned to her that God puts the right people in your life just when you need them. I think that I was this person for a previous friend.
I still pray for her, love her and wish her the best and though after 9 months of not speaking to each other, because I never called her, she has finally called me. She is in desperate wants of another friendship. And I am willing to be a friend again but this time the effort will be hers.

For all you ladies struggling with this, know that God has a plan. I once heard the analogy that terminating and unhealthy friendship is like cutting off your arm, it will only hurt once. If you continue the unhealthy relationship it will continue to cause you pain. This saying is what made it possible for me to take the stand. I hope if you are going thru the same thing that this saying may offer some kind of logic to help with you decisions.

GOD BLESS!!!

This story perfectly explains one of my previous friendships.
I was talking with a good friend just today and mentioned to her that God puts the right people in your life just when you need them. I think that I was this person for a previous friend.
I still pray for her, love her and wish her the best and though after 9 months of not speaking to each other, because I never called her, she has finally called me. She is in desperate wants of another friendship. And I am willing to be a friend again but this time the effort will be hers.

For all you ladies struggling with this, know that God has a plan. I once heard the analogy that terminating and unhealthy friendship is like cutting off your arm, it will only hurt once. If you continue the unhealthy relationship it will continue to cause you pain. This saying is what made it possible for me to take the stand. I hope if you are going through the same thing that this saying may offer some solace to help with your decisions.

GOD BLESS!!!

Especially when one moves away, one feels it especially in the stages where new friends haven't yet been made.

In my questioning, I felt God say, "Grieve your old friends and enjoy who I bring around you".

God also seemed to challenge me with, "If you care so much for them, have you prayed for them lately? How much do you care about them? Or, do you just want them for your own selfish reasons?

I was challeged to consider how much I really care about their lives. I was challenged to pray for them and their families.

A year later 4 old friends contacted me and we got together! God's blessing, I feel.

I'm always struggling in this area. I really get attached to a female friend and then we somehow lose interest or something happens whereby we don't talk as often as we use to. At this time in my life, I really don't know if God intends on me being alone without close friends who are suppose to be lifetime friends. I think everyone should have at least one of those.

But what do you do when you experience these things in both male and female relationships? My sister has no problem in this area. As a matter of fact, she and her friends have their moments where they don't talk for months at a time b/c of space or change and then they return to being friends again. Sometimes I don't understand, b/c of the investment that's put into the relationships. And then again I do. God allows these moments in my life to teach me the importance of maintaining an intimate relationship with Him. He is teaching that no husband, father, mother, brother, sister, daughter, son, or even FRIEND can take the place of Him. NEVER!

I don't think that it is always a case of a friend "just not being into me." There are different personality types which plays into this. Some people are planners, while others are more spontaneous and open-ended and find it difficult to plan things in advance. Your friend may be happy to spend time with you, and may actually have to come to rely on your superior planning skills to keep the relationship going. I know it's a risk, but having an honest conversation about this
(if it is a friendship you value), is better than simply walking away. It's also not all about us--people only have enough energy for relationships, and if you work and have kids and a husband and church activities, etc., you may really value a friendship, but not have a lot left over for initiating. We need to extend grace to each other!

to sarah on august 8: be purposeful about making a point to put yourself "out there" and call a friend. start with another "homebody" and just do something quick (coffee or soda stop) and take the initiative intentionally. i bet you will have a blast and once you start, you might even swap off on visits to each other's homes too!!

I am blessed to have a wonderful Christian husband but I too can get lonely for girlfriends. I just joined a Jazzercise group and I just love it. I don't have to make any phone calls. I just show up and I can be sure that there will be someone nice there to greet me. As for girlfriends, I have two that I would call "close friends" but I have to do all of the initiating. I keep holding on to the hope that they are just really busy and not just that "they are not into me."

I can't beleive how many blogs there are on this subject. I have been looking for someone who understands for ages! I am the broken hearted initiator. It helps to read all these different perspectives on the issue. I really want advice on the best way to nurture a friendship.
kc.

Well, I am most times the passive one.

While the active ones lament about having to initiate all the time, here's a thought from the other end: We feel inferior.

We feel that you have so much life that you probably would not miss a friend like us. And when you do, you would call us.

My best friend is a social person. She is popular with many & as much as I consider her my best friend, I don't think she does.

So I wait. Most times, since she is always so busy.

I know it's pathetic. But it's true that I feel that & I'm sure that there are many out there who share my sentiments.

I have always been a workaholic. I love having D&M's with a girlfriend but they are very time consuming so I find that there are times when I try to avoid people. I am also a counselor, and find that many of my friends take rather more than they give and leave me feeling drained. Boundaries (read the book!) are very important in this delicate area. If the friendship is 'uneven' and one person is in some kind of 'helping' profession, it is so important to keep professional boundaries and simply relate as an equal - no special answers just who we are as human beings.

I think we do have friendships for a season. There is a special connection as two souls converge then they move onto different paths and there is less of the deep understanding. They can drift away again. Out of the 6billion people on the planet I think there must always be new people to connect with. So look around for those in your sphere who need a friend, you must be a friend to attract one. Everyone is attracted to someone who is genuinely concerned and interested in them, perhaps that was part of Jesus' charisma. He touched so many lives in a deep and meaningful way, but how many of them shouted for his release on Good Friday?

There are always friends out there if you genuinely care to find them.

Been there with several friends whom I still keep in contact with. One particular who I have been friends with for about 7 years. She and I would talk everyday for 10 mins. to an hour. Now we don't talk unless I call. I try to make it at least once a week. We say hi to each other in church but that is about it. As far as the sisters go, well, my older sister doesn't speak much to me unless she needs something however, I pray for her because I am unsure of where she is with the Lord right now. It hurts, but my goal is to bring her to Christ. My younger sister is about the same way. Don't talk unless I call. Praying for her too. I will pray for everyone.

Debbie

Don't give up you wonderful pursuers of friends! Your encouragement and faithfulness is a blessing to whomever the Lord places in your path. I was one of those women on the receiving end of a very perserverant friend. I honestly didn't think I was worth anyone's time or attention and so did not know how to reciprocate in a friendship. This lovley lady taught me how by her example of faithful unconditional love. Don't give up! My life has been changed because of a persistent pursuing friend.

I just want to comment on todays topic friendship I have been going through the same thing over and over and at this present time this friend and I was in an accident I was invited to go with her and the accident happen. I took her friendship serious not because of the accident but of late it as turn in a different direction and I begin to wonder if it was just out of fear she was acting or each person has a different way about friendship. But I leave it in God care for he knows best for me.

Dear wondering,
I read your post and I lifted a prayer for you. "Lord, let wondering know that you are there to hear her heartcrys and will be there for her at this time of need." Amen.
God is so big and He knows everything about your situation, needs and feelings. Trust in that and walk in forgiveness towards your sister. Blessings
btw I am usually the non-initiator friend ;)

Having been a member of a wonderful church for 5 years with many friendships made, my husband felt God calling him to help a new church being planted not far from home. You have opened my eyes to the fact that indeed i do all the calling, e-mailing etc in order to catch up with people. yes, i even thought whats wrong with me/us and obviously the friendships we made were only onesided, our side. i have come to terms with this and needless to say no-one calls. Not to worry, our new church is wonderful and maybe i will look at making friends differently - i will not always be the first to pick up the phone!
But i do feel sad.

Oh my goodness, how I needed this! I seem to have become the initiator in one friendship. Whenever I call, we can talk forever (just like best friends!), but she never calls me. Anything we do together (the few times we actually are together) is because I have suggested it, not because of any action on my part.
It really hurts me, because when my husband died, she was one of the very few friends who really stuck by me and helped. I honestly don't know if I would have made it without her. I worry that she is just tired of all this, even though not everything (even most things now) are about how I am dealing with life now.
I am crying now while writing this. It just hurts so much that a friendship I thought was so deep is just fading away. I have been praying about this and think I just have to accept this friendship for what it was, and move on. It is just harder than I ever thought it would be.
Mary

Thanks, I needed to hear this, Everyone is in a season, and it just seems my season is at home with my three boys. It's been hard because I moved here 10 years ago and I haven't any really close female friends...

I spent several years striving to keep this one-sided relationship/friendship afloat. I experienced so much rejection, then I would become so completely frustrated, agitated and even angry. I was the one always doing the initiating in our relationship, although she would commit to "call back" or "run by later", she never followed through. In fact, I finally realized when she made those commitments, she was more likely NOT to do them, than she was TO DO them. I finally became so frustrated and exhausted, I just stopped calling altogether. I decided it's one thing to make sacrifices for your friends, but it's altogether another to totally empty yourself out and receive NOTHING back.
Thank you for your article, Jane. It confirmed to me that I made the right choice. I hope it will help others to know that we don't have to keep pursuing relationships like this just b/c we're Christians.

I loved this commentary! I am also not the initiator in most of my friendships. But with me, I can tell you it is usually NOT due to the fact of "i'm just not that into her".

I totally agree with Ann's comments above asking you to "not give up on us"!! Take a look at your friendship. If you initiate plans with a non-initiator, and you feel the two of you still click and are having a wonderful time, I'm sure your friend feels the same!

I echo Ann's comments: Thank you for your faithful friendship! Without the faithful majority in the world, where would be non-initators be? I will be the first one in line to stand up and say thank you.

Interesting because as of late I have decided to 'come out of the closet' and not be a 'player' about my beliefs. ( I am a tongue talking calvanist who believes women can and should teach men.) So I attend two churches and say so! Hah not many people are calling me these days. Maybe its because I have been a christian for 30 years now and a older single women approaching 50. To be honest I really don't care what people think much anymore. I don't like compartmentalizing my life but I still do it. I have missions friends,exercise friends,shopping friends,intelectual friends... very few of us mingle amongst each other.
However I can say with certainty this, if our heart attitude is wrong we WILL have the opportunity to walk in the other person's shoes if we are judging without righteous judgement.

Thank you for discussing this subject in your publication. For years I have been telling myself and my husband that I am tired of always being the initiator--not only in phone call friendships, but even at church! It seems that unless I say "Hello!" to people, they won't bother to say anything to me.

I think it's sad that such disunity exists in the Body of Christ. It's as if people are afraid to reach out and be friendly anymore. It's even hard to be neighborly when no one will acknowledge you. It grieves my heart, but I'm certain that it grieves the Lord's heart even more.

I pray for the persistance to be bold, because you never know who you will bless by showing them some attention.

I feel lonely, yet I know that I'm never alone--I have the love of the Lord Jesus Christ!

Thank you for discussing this subject in your publication. For years I have been telling myself and my husband that I am tired of always being the initiator--not only in phone call friendships, but even at church! It seems that unless I say "Hello!" to people, they won't bother to say anything to me.

I think it's sad that such disunity exists in the Body of Christ. It's as if people are afraid to reach out and be friendly anymore. It's even hard to be neighborly when no one will acknowledge you. It grieves my heart, but I'm certain that it grieves the Lord's heart even more.

I pray for the persistance to be bold, because you never know who you will bless by showing them some attention.

I feel lonely, yet I know that I'm never alone--I have the love of the Lord Jesus Christ!

The comment on sometimes things just being a matter of personalities and another on what is going on in someone's life? These are where I stand on this.

I am almost never the iniator. Almost never. I haven't been ... I guess, ever.
For me, there have been more than one thing:

Fear of calling and always feeling as though I'm imposing

Lack of confidence bec. I am notorious for calling at the worst times. The first nap someone gets in literally 11 years? That would be when I called. Someone too busy to even want to answer the phone? That is when I'd call.
This goes along with not wanting to intrude.

Now? Now it is usually not one of those things. Now, I am so busy I have to squeeze moments in when I can.

Helping my husband with his business, mothering five and grandmothering two, homemaking, writing, serving so many around us... and on the list goes.

I have friends I've had for years and years and to this day? They come to my house for coffee bec/ they know how hard it is to get out. They call to see if we can work out doing something or going somewhere. I'm just not good at it but I go just about everytime one of them call.

I guess I just needed to share a voice on this ... that shows it isn't always about the heart of friendship. It isn't taking and not giving but giving in a different way.

I don't think I posted correctly- I didn't know what an URL is!
Anyway, I am just so thankful to find this site! I thought it was just me having trouble! It feels like I am in high school again sometimes! I am 44! I met a girl who I feel God placed in my life. We went to lunch once when I invited her and I have stated many times I would love to do that again sometime or go shopping and she has never asked. I don't want to put her on the spot. And yet, I don't understand why she hasn't reciprocated. Maybe she is just one of those who doesn't initiate. I don't mind being the planner. What I don't want is to be inviting someone who doesn't wish to be with me but they are too afraid to tell me. So, what is a good way to find out? I don't want to be a pest to anyone, ya know? Please pray for me too. I really want this friendship.
kc.

Wow I have been struggling with the same things , my good friend that i have known for for 40 years, as young girls and young women and as the years went by we share times with our kids, husbands we always would have so much fun but the time came when i got breast cancer and our friend ship went bad but i went to her and asked for forgivensss and told her i forgave her for some really hard things that others would have had trouble forgiven , i send emails now telling her i love her and miss her she never responds unless i do the calling or inviting then she will say i love you or miss you and then she says well you havent called me ? I couldnt understand until God revealed to me that she was my gift and I should be thankful that i could accept and love her no matter what and that she might be really hurting and ashamed of what is going on in her life , see i know more than i wanted to know about her relationships with her husband I know to much, and maybe she just couldnt face me since my life has change and God is in my life and that i just need to continue to pray for her and her husband. I obeyed God and did what i was suppose to do and now it was His job to change her. I do miss talking an spending time with her but God has filled that empty space and when she needs me as usual I will be there for her . and we are here to serve and its not always about me me me and my feelings God wants to be my best friend first and then he will give me the friends that i need . I will continue to trust God he always knows what is best for me amen

Try not to take it personal . I am the non initiator . I feel very uncomfortable trying to plan for outings or dinners . I'm never sure what my friends will be okay with . Will they like dinner ? Will they think the house is clean enough ? How much time is considered enough time to be together ? If its too little time she may feel I'm rude . If it's too much she may get bored and stay only out of politeness. Call her on the phone more or try to catch her when she's already out and has eased her way into her day. If she's like me ; social situations can be REALLY hard . She may just have to be a phone friend. I'm sure she'd love to hear from you !

I have lots of acquaintances and only a handful of close friends. I am rarely the initiator in these. I am very, very introverted and all of my close friends are very extroverted. Being around a lot of people exhausts me, so I usually only do one on one or small groups. Fortunately, my true friends understand this when they call and I tell them no to certain events or why I seldom call first. My thoughts usually run to - they are busier than me, they have more social events, more friends they do things with, I don't want to bother them, when they have time for me they will call, etc... It is not ever been that I am "not that into them". I guess I am fortunate that a couple friends in particular have always been willing to say things like "we got together at my house last time, lets meet at yours this time" or "I have the afternoon free, lets go do such and such". So we do and it is always great. I almost always drop things and go. And we have remained friends for years - despite moving apart at times as well. Before you write off a friend seriously think about their nature. I am sure I will never have a close friend that is an introvert because neither of us would ever take the initiative and nothing would happen - those are all my casual acquaintances at church and work. We could probably be better friends, but I simply don't have it in me to take the initiative. It's not that I don't care.

Excellent, excellent post. I think we have all been through this, and I definitely appreciated seeing so many people's comments on the subject. Two women I was very close to have moved out of the area. Obviously the friendship was never really the same, but I had thought we would stay in touch more than we did. I once read that some friendships are for life, and some are for a season, and we shouldn't mourn those that are for a season, but rejoice and give thanks for all that they brought to our lives at that particular time. God knows what He is doing.

I am going through the same situation with my best friend or at least i think she's my best friend. the thing is she's more outgoing than i am and she has a lot of best friends. whenever she needs to talk she does not have to call me because she is always surrounded by her friends whereas i on the other hand call her constantly and whenever we meet we have such great times together but im getting tired of being the initiator in the relationship. Or maybe i need to get a life and be more outgoing myself then maybe i wont need her so much.

Yes, this has been happening to me too! I was wondering if I was being too negative as a person, too persistant, too annoying, not nice enough, etc.

But what did you do about it? Did you keep calling her or let bygones be bygones? That is what I'm doing. Giving space.

I agree with Ecc. but the other person can just say I have too much on my plate to spare you an open corner.

Thanks for yours and all the readers' responses.

My husband and I were very good friends with one of his co-workers who is single. We had many things in common and enjoyed visiting. My husband and the co-worker are both great cooks and interested in food so it was always great to visit and have them cook together (great benefit for me anyway!) .

My husband felt like the relationship was one sided with the co-worker not valuing his contribution to the friendship and he ended it - not by attrition but by telling the co-worker the reason why.

I respect and support my husband but really miss our friend. I had a more forgiving view about the lack of initiation than he did and wanted to continue the friendship. Also because he was forthright about the reason, it had made it very awkward when I happen to see this person (fortunately my husband took another job and they are no longer co-workers).

So men do face this issue and they can be more assertive about ending relationships. I think it is easier just to let someone drift away than to confront them with their selfish behavior - but my husband thought it was "wimpy" and "dishonest" not to tell the reason for ending the friendship.

Maybe it is not this at all. Maybe your friend is into you but is just a bad communicator. Maybe she is unsure of herself or her ideas. Maybe she wants you to take charge because she takes charge of so much else in her life. This is definitely a scenario for many friendships, but it is also definitely not the only one.

Wow, I can't say how much this hits home. There are several relationships that I've been praying about and this answers my questions to all of them. The unfortunate thing is that some of them are family ties.

I live out of state and I'm often the initiator between my sisters, my dad and I. Inside, I've often felt bad that we couldn't be in contact more, but I've had to release my feelings to God. He knows my desires and rather than building resentment because they don't feel the way I do, I've learned to modify my expectations and wait it out until they call me back.

God is helping me...thank you!!!!

One issue that I really think needs to be emphasized in all of this discussion is EXPECTATIONS! This is difficult to do in a new friendship, where the "definition" is still up in the air--are we going to be lifelong soul baring friends, or occasional coffee and chat friends? But with longer and more intimate friendships, where that "definition" still remains fuzzy, I think a HUGE step in the right direction is to initiate a conversation about expectations, in a sense to sort-of "define the relationship." I am a missionary living overseas, and some of the best advice given to me during training was to sit down and have honest talks with my family and friends at home about our expectations, especially with regard to the frequency of communication. It helped so much for me to be able to say, up front, that the time difference and exhaustion from my job being to constantly pursue relationships in a second culture and the barage of work-related emails I get every day make it difficult for me to express the importance of your relationship to me through frequent contact, and I need you to LOVE me by being patient with me and not letting Satan lie to you that my affection for you or the importance of our friendship is waning because you only get an email from me a few times a year. And, to be honest, some friends accepted this and some said, "You know, I expect to hear from my real friends more often than that." And it was sad, but, when we couldn't get our expectations and the reality of our situations to match up, I had to let go of those friendships. But I think the important lesson here is, how are YOUR expectations creating or worsening the problems in your friendships? Have you sat down and discussed these expectations with your friend who is not meeting them? If not, is it because, deep in your heart, you know that your expectations are unrealistic and put an unfair burden on that person to "prove" they are your friend? Realize that it is possible that you are letting your own insecurities rule the way you view this friendship, rather than seeking to understand and love that other person for THEIR good and well-being.

I have found that patience is best. I have a handful of very special women I can truly say are my friends. We are not always in the same 'place' at the same time.
Remember when:
Your best friend was dating and you weren't?
You were engaged to be married and she wanted to go dancing at the local club?
She was getting married and you had always said you be in each others' wedding . . . but you were expecting your first child?
You were "living out of the back of your mini-van" and she was driving a convertible?
Your own children are over 18 (yet the nurturing never ends!) and she is frustrated by a 3 year old not ready for the "bathroom"?
Then there are the husband issues! Arrghh!
In most situations I find myself listening. I have either been through her experience, survived and had to do my best NOT to say "you should do this, say that . . .". yes, it is a challenge to me when the table is turned and I need support. I pick the one I know will listen along with a light prayer! Nowadays, I take a light touch in my relationships with my friends. I respect their lives' and likewise. Years go by without any communication and then one day, BAM! We can't get enough of each other's issues in life!
So, I feel good about myself and my relationships with my 'girlfriends'.

What I am struggling with now is my mother. It truly hurts when your own mom is 'not into you'.

Through my life, I have had those people pass through my life who seemed somewhat less than truly interested in a relationship of any value with me. They were however interested in my investment in their lives.
Depending on where my spiritual maturity or walk was at the time, determined my attitude toward these individuals.
Looking back over time, I am confident God had and has a purpose for each perosn that touches our lives. And maybe, just maybe, there are times and seasons when we are meant only to be a vessel to pour out Christ's love or grace or teach through example...
It is easy for me to think I need another friend... But I have a Friend in Jesus! Who could be a better friend? And for girlfriends? I have two I can truly call friends that are two-way relationships!.. Two is more than enough for me... I am content...
Some days it is easier to say this than others... And yes, sometimes my feelings still get hurt. But then I go to my Best Friend, and He puts it all in perspective for me... And then I am content once again.

I have a problem similar to this also. All the friends I have also have children and a partner or both. I also have a partner but we only see eachother at weekends. I feel that I never come first, or second or even third to my friends and partner. I always initiate contact, I make plans which still get changed or dropped at the very last minute. It hurts my feelings and my self esteem is lowered and it makes me not want to bother to keep trying to be friend bt uI dont want to be lonely. I pray to god that I make good friends who can love me like I do them.
Do I put all of my efforts into y old friends or save it for making new friends and if its the last option how do I go about it?
My church congergation is very old, there are no young people there. I use the internet to chat but its not the same as face to face contact...

After much prayer, I ended a long-term friendship in 2001, after the realization that it was so one-sided that it was unhealthy--for both of us. What I wish to add to this discussion is that our kids were also deeply affected by my decision. I was there when each of her 3 were born. I am no longer a part of their lives. It is just too sad...but quite necessary. My kids are adults now and are able to understand my decision. I pray that her 3 will some day understand as well.

As one of the non-initiators I relate to both Anne and Karen's statements. I have suffered from low self esteem all of my life. I have multiple medical problems and have lost touch with most of my friends and sisters in Christ. I rarely am able to attend worship services, much less lunches and coffee times! My husband doesn't accept my limitations. He says I use my illness as an excuse for anything I don't want to do. Sometimes I get so depressed I feel like I have nothing to contribute to a friendship and am just "whining". So I don't call. Most days, I have more than I can handle just trying to take care of everyday things.
Please pray for all of us that have chronic pain and fatigue issues as they are very emotionally draining and damaging.

Wow! Was this ever timely. About six weeks ago I realized that who I thought was one of my closest friends for over 20 years probably didn't think that of me. We always have a great time together, but it is most of the time ME who initiates the get togethers. She never says "no" and we always say "We must do this more often!" Then God reminded me "There is a season...". I'll always be there for her and I'll always reach out, but I have realized I may not be HER closest friend at this time.

No two of us are alike. I have always had lots of girlfriends, some really close and some not so close. I too was usually a receiver and was too "what-ify" to initiate get togethers and coffees etc. My next stage was to say "we must get together" and never follow up on that and I would see my friend months/years later and then it occurred to me to set up a time on the spot. Now I generally initiate get togethers and God has helped me to realize that that gift is one of my strengths. Life goes through phases and I have been blessed with girlfriends. Just this year a friend I had been very close with 20 years ago and I found ourselves working for the same organisation, so now we do the work-lunch thing regularly.

I dealt with this for the first time when I got married at 40. A close friend (one I had even lived with for a couple years) did not attend my wedding and later would find excuses to not get together. We use to talk before about why it was when single friends get married they forget their prior friends. I did not, she did. I finally had to let go realizing it wasn't about me, but about her. Since then, God has blessed me with a whole new group of friends, better than I could of imagine.
People commit at different levels of friendship, and that is okay.

I must admit I'm the friend that is less likely to initiate girl time with my friends. I always talk myself out of making phone calls. My close friend is married w/children. We've known each other for several years. When we do talk the conversation is interrupted throughout the phone call with family issues. So I feel like we didn't really cover much. Also when my friend does call she always asks why didn't I call her. I do enjoy her and we do have somethings in common but sometimes her life is so different since she not single. Maybe we've grown apart.

One of my best friend behaved such an attitude. She did not contact us for a long time. However,when she was about to get married. she suddenly contacted us and tried to be close with us again. She invited us to her wedding for the sake of weddings $$ and gifts. That was 3 yrs back.and again she disappeared from our lives once again!

i can so relate to that! but i reckon that as much as there are friends we try to initiate contact with, there are also friends who have to keep initiating contact with us. i know a few. uh oh, time for some reflection and get some attitudes readjusted! thanks for writing on this :)

I was having a friend for a decade, she was even the one who visited me when i gave birth with my first son. Our friendhip means so much to me, because she sometimes bought me clothes when i did not work or give me moneyand because of this i felt so guilty to let it go although i saw that 'she was not so much into me' she became born again and i saw the signs more clearly that she does not want to talk to me, i ask her about it and she said she wants to protect her from me, because i am a very harsh person and i like to talk badly about people and she is angry with me because i have a second child with the man who is good for nothing. Since then i tried several times and gave up on the friendship. we have not seen each other sine beginning of 2007 although in the same town. And know i understand the end of our friendship. I was very sad and still feels sometimes sad about it, but i am slowly let it go. She was my rolemodel, but i started to see her bad side now.

After going through a family tragedy and taking care of a now adult beautiful daughter, who is total care, every outside venture is a tremendous effort. I have one sister-in-law who has been an unbelievable support, not only in physical care for our daughter, but emotional and spiritual support for me. I treasure friendships that developed after our daughter's accident, but old friends seem to have fizzled out. I can understand now that many people don't know what to say or know what to do. I have two other children, one in college and another married with two children. Their busy lives sometimes flow over into ours and I must say, it's a welcome distraction.
In an already stressed lifestyle (constantly being needed---I'm not complaining, I love her more than I could possibly express) it's hard to initiate anything. Because, as with a young dependant child who depends on you for feeding and changing, our adult daughter depends on us for even turning... day and night (we've yet to have bed sores) Our happy times usually happen in her room.
I thank the Lord for people who stepped up to the plate after she was injured and gave of themselves. It was hard to receive at first because, we were accustomed to doing everything for ourselves. But, sometimes the only way to get through to hard headed people like my husband and me, is to call and say , I'm coming over this Friday or Sat. (whatever) and you two are going out or we're bringing dinner over to spend time with you all or come over to pray for our daughter. (And for strength for us).
For my 50th birthday, my husband and our married daughter orchestrated a 'surprise' birthday party/ southern BBQ. I took that opportunity to thank everyone present for every way that they had impacted our lives. I tell people that just praying for our family is the greatest gift, even if they can't physically be present.....but, having that physical interaction is important and oh, so appreciated.

Amazing how God works! I needed to read this article today! Thanks and to everyone, have a joyful, Spirit-filled week.

Be blessed

I've recently recovered from a life threatening helath myself; 'just in the nic of time' to face my husbands cancer! I can't believe how people have avoided both of us; why? thinking we're too sick, too busy, too depressed, cancer is contagious? It's a scary thing to have to face alone.

Recently my husband scolded me for not returning phone calls.
Here was my response. There is an unspoken understanding between women friends. If I don't call you back for a few days then please don't take it personally.There will come a time when she doesn't return my calls immediately.We are so incredibly over extended (you all know the feeling). She knows I love her, I was in over my head at the time. Would a friend really want me to counsel her if I was emotionally unavailable?
Also, here is another rule I have lived by. I will not always be best friends with someone who is best friends with me. I still make time for her. We are friends. Maybe my closest emotional girlfriend won't consider me her closest emotional girlfriend. I am so OK with that.
This is what I believe makes the very circle of friendship go around.
You know when you are in a toxic friendship because you are physically and emotionally drained after being with them. So, unless this is happening stay in touch with the women you care about and know that her capability of care for you is just different (not bad). It is the circle of best and fair weathered friends that make up our communities.

I agree with Deidre. I have some friends that never initiate meeting up or call, but Jesus said it is more blessed to give than to receive. It is only our sinfull nature that struggles with this. I will make more effort with friends who don't call in future 'cos you don't always know what people are going through.

I have been in this situation many times and once again I am the initiator. It gets old really fast since I am always the one the do the initiating. After a year or more if I am still the initiator, it will die a natural death.

I hear what you are saying and I can say I have been blessed with many friends, so I think I can say I have found myself on both sides of the fence, both receiving and giving. I believe I can count on one hand the few friends where it is entirely reciprocal and remains so over many years. That is precious! On the other hand I think we need to look at our own motivations for seeking out a friendship. Are we truly interested in that friend and do we want to help that person, or do we simply find she is handy to have around when it happens to suit her plans and she also happens to have the same interests? Is that really what friendship is about? I truly value my real friends and I know who they are but I hope I never take them for granted.

I don't completely agree with the assessment that if the "other" person is never the initiator, then it has to mean they're "not into you". I believe that is an assumption that just may not be true. You may have the gift of being able to plan & organize events, you may have more time on your hands or maybe you're just better at using your time wisely and not procrastinating, maybe you're better able to see an opportuninity and to plan ahead for a get-together. Your friend may just not have those same skills. Some people tend to be natural procrastinators, may not be great planners, may just get wrapped-up in the busyness at hand or may just not be good at or comfortable with initiating get-togethers or planning events. The friend that you're assuming just must "not be into you", may just be that kind of person. Before assuming that your friend just doesn't want to spend time with you anymore, feeling bad or hurt over the fact or at worst, ending the relationship, you may want to consider simply asking your friend how they feel about your relationship. You just may find that they look forward and value your time together, but just aren't as skilled or comfortable with making the plans.

I can definitely relate to this! A lot of times, though, it's a matter of me having more time on my hands then my friends, but what's most frustrating is that people often expect me to go out of my way to see them (I'm in a different town in the same area than most of my good friends) but they don't want to make the effort to see me. Yes, they have their families and I don't, but I'm tired of being the one to put the most effort into seeing my friends. I know that families do take time and that people with them can't just up and do whatever they like, but I do have stuff as well that take my time and friendships should be a two way street.

Thankfully I've met some people in my town who are able to get together with me. I have to realise that people can't always put the same effort into old friendships because of new things in life, and it is sad when these fade off, and I'm moving on as well. I hope that those old friends know I'm still here for them when they need me. I do what I can to let them know this, and I hope it's clear to them. :)

I already know where I stand when it comes to maintaining the friendship. I realized recently that I am not that important because when a friend resigned from her work and she had a going-away party, I was not among those invited. No goodbyes, no nothing. Prior to this, we were close and shared burdens about family matters. We also had to go out for lunch just to exchange difficulties we experience, which are all arranged and paid for by me. It's sad losing her, but it will be quite a disappointment if I maintain the friendship. If God wills for us to cross paths again, then I know he will make a way.

Seriously- have there ever been so many blogs about ONE subject?? I am sorry so many of us struggle with this- but at the same time I am soooo comforted to know, its NOT just meeee!! Whew! I am excited to read all these different takes on the subject. I particularly like the one by Brenda who said being genuinely concerned was part of Jesus charisma and that out of the 6 billion people in the world there is surely someone we can attract to be our friend! How true! Thankyou for this site- I've got to get busy reading....
Kim.

I had this happen with a close friend.
I have called, emailed etc and she will not return my calls. The last I heard from her she was excited to get together again, the nothing.

I guess I should realize this is the end. I just wish I had an explanation. It really hurts......

Through the years I have had many girlfriends. I have been rejected by a few that left me devastated. I have also ended a few relationships that I grew apart from, or just moved away from, and felt terribly guilty. Thank you for helping me understand that rejection doesn't necessarily mean I've failed, but that there are seasons in life that require different kinds of friendships. Now when I feel rejected by a friend, I can thank God for the time we had together and place the whole thing in His hands and accept the mystery that God is. Joy

I'm on the other side, I have a friend who calls me all the time. I don't feel comfortable with her. She is a little arrogant, too sure of herself and knows everything. I ignore her phone calls and sometimes she leaves messages saying, "I'm avoiding her." I know I should be honest with her and end the relationship, but sometimes you try to like everybody.

This blog site has encouraged me not to give up on what I consider an important friendship. I am not the mind reader that I thought I was! I want to be the one to reach out and be caring. If it is returned then wonderful- if not, then its still a blessing to try. I am going ask what her expectations are of a friendship too- I liked that whole view that was given by Marianne. I want to stop thinking of just myself and what I need and try to give my friend what she needs. Kim

As I am preparing to deploy to Iraq, I have internal conflict for logical reasons and lack of family. Yet disappointed because this is probably one of the biggest phases of my life, I mainly notice the lack of my phone ringing and the amount of people who smile in my face on Sunday at church but do not have any interest in my life outside of those doors. Probably the closest person to me actually asked me if people were hosting a going away party for me. Because he was so evasive when I asked him where that question came from, it ended up feeling like an insult. Surely, I have no intention of hosting a going away party for myself. It?s bad enough that if I don?t initiate gatherings or simply call, I am not invited/included. [Note: people are social it can be economically or elaborately driven, but you (we) make time for what is important to you (us)]

The enlightenment that God gave me during that conversation was, ?we choose to remain stagnant in relationships: with people and more importantly our relationship with God?. He has blessed me to live a successful single life with no children. All of my alone time is not spent in prayer as much as I should?.nor is it filled with friends and family. Today, I stand convicted for not being more spiritual, and still ponder how to find the balance of both considering the Lord has created us to be interdependent people.

Some of my friends have a friend like this. She can go a year and not be in touch--no calls, no response to emails, nothing. For years it bothered us. Then we realized that's her way. Now we don't even try. When she's ready, she'll seek us out but until then we let her have her way--she LIKES it like it is. Sometimes that is what you have to do. Don't take it personal or let it bother you. My other friends and I get together when we can as we are all busy women. But now that we're in our 50's, we've decided to live and let live!

Well, I guess I might as well own up to being a bad girl. I've let a friendship lapse because I really wasn't into her. This woman wanted to be friends with me, but we had nothing in common. I'm married but don't have kids, she's a single mom. My husband and I were very careful to undergo counseling to make sure we were doing the right thing by getting married. This woman was on her third lousy marriage. In the time I knew her, she went through yet another messy divorce/custody battle, and then started trying to date men on the rebound again. Nothing was ever her fault, it was always her husband's. Yes, the guys may have been jerks, but she was the one who married them. I finally got tired of all the whining and excuses and so when we moved to another city didn't contact her again. Sometimes I feel guilty, but most of the time I don't even think about it.

I don't mean to be rude, but the book referred to earlier really was right: if your "friend" isn't making any effort to be with you, then they pretty much don't want to. For your own mental and emotional health, give up trying to pursue them and move on to other relationships.

How about you non-initiators considering mailing a greeting card every once in a while to, at least, let your initiating friend know that you appreciate the friendship, and that you're thinking about them. If you truly value a particular relationship, you must put forth SOME effort-- even your relationship with Christ will go nowhere if you don't DO something. Healthy relationships are NOT one-way streets.

Anything worth having takes effort! And, yes, it's better to GIVE than receive. So, if you are ALWAYS on the receiving end, you need to reconsider. If you are too busy for a close or engaging friendship, please extend a courtesy and let your friend know!

I think about Mary and Martha in the Bible, two sisters who behaved very differently toward Jesus, and toward one another. People are different! There are different types of friendships; some last a lifetime, others, for a season. Some of the relationships we call, "friends" are really acquaintances, not meant to go deeper or last a lifetime. I have had many different types of friendships and like me, my friends are not perfect, nor do they love perfectly. But I am thankful to God for those who have been supportive in the past, for those who remain supportive now and (hopefully), for those in the future. I recently asked God for a closer friend, and someone I had been mentoring called! In essence, mentoring is being a friend, and I have gained friends from a few mentoring relationships. One never knows how God will answer our prayers and our deepest needs. Being a widow, I am also praying for a husband. I am excited about God's answer to that prayer!

This is such a big thing I am dealing with right now--I have to come back and add a few comments to my previous post. I used to be the "non-initiator" in most of my friendships--at least until we knew each other a long time. I was (and still am) shy, didn't think too much of myself--why would they want to hear from me? I didn't have time to do much--church, work, family took all my time.
Sometimes now, I wonder if God isn't punishing me for how I acted, or at least is really showing me what my friends used to go thru :-( After my husband died, I regretted so much not having a good solid base of friends. My one friend who helped me so much, is the one who won't call, etc. any more (although she never acts mad, etc). But is she tired of hearing about my problems, do I bore her, can she not stand to be around me or does she just not have the time?
I don't expect her to plan the most memorable evening I have ever had. I would be perfectly happy planning everything we do. I just want some contact. For everyone who wrote in, did it take you 2 minutes to write, 5, 10? If I could just have an email from her--no matter how short--that is all I ask. I understand about being busy. I'm busy myself and really prefer email. Just a short email asking how I am and what's going on. Maybe something funny that happened to her.
I really am just talking to myself--even after all this I don't stay in contact with my other friends like I should. But with God's grace and help I try to do better.

I think this is such a great topic and seems to hit home for so many people. It does for me as well. I am 35 and have had the same best friend since I was 15. She constantly calls herself anti-social and she is definitely a homebody. She is married with two kids (and another on the way) and I have always been single. I have ALWAYS, ALWAYS been the initiator. I have tried to talk to her about it, but I don't think she even knows HOW to initiate. It helped me to read the comments from many of the self-proclaimed non-initiators because I understand a bit more where my best friend is coming from. As for whether to keep trying or cut ties, I think you have to look at each individual situation. In my situation, God made it crystal clear that He wants us to stay friends. We had not spoken for a while due to my getting sick of the one-sidedness of everything. But God knew I missed her and I really started praying about it. Then one of her good friends showed up at my Singles group (she wasn't even single - she was just visiting my church with a friend of mine. ) I did not even recognize my best friend's friend, but she recognized me. She encouraged me to get back in touch with my friend and I did. There's more to it, of course, but God was all up in this situation. No doubt. And just like some of you said, even with the rekindling of this friendship, I am working really hard on going to God with things rather than always turning to her everytime I need to talk. And I think it has helped our friendship. She even called and asked me to lunch one day - a BIG deal for us! Unfortunately I couldn't go because of a work meeting. But anyway, I don't think you can give a blanket answer for these. Sometimes it's personality - my friend is just an introvert, plain and simple. And sometimes it may be that your friend really doesn't like you. I've had those, too, and they were easier to let go of. But God is bigger than any of our problems. He just is. He still works miracles. So if you have a friend that it hurts to let go of, give it to Him and see if He works a miracle in your friendship. Maybe the longing you have for your friend is from Him. Because I don't long for the ones that consistently didn't return my calls, etc. Remember that He causes us to desire the things He desires for us (Psalm 37:4). Just seek His will in all things.

Boy does this subject hit home. I have/had 3 fairly close friends. Two local and one pen friend. All are very long term relationships the pen friend is a 40+ year relationship we have never met. The other two are at least 30+years. One gal never calls, or responds to suggestions for dinner for the four of us (husbands included). Yet she brings me a birthday gift every year. I feel that this is silly as there seems to be no relationship any more. A card would be fine, no gift necessary. The other friend attends our church and I see her most every Sunday but she has developed a new friendship with a gal that shares her love of fishing. We used to be very close but that seems to have gone by the wayside. I feel hurt by these failing relationships but I can't resurrect dying relationships.I have called from time to time and sugessted getting together for lunch, everyone agrees but nothing happens. As I look for new friendships I find most everyone seems to have enough friends already. Does this sound like a pity party?? Back to praying about this very painful subject.

Thanks for recognizing that the "unreciprocating" friend may be dealing with more than she cares to handle. I am so thankful for my persistent friends who remind me they really do want to spend time with me and who make the effort to initiate times together. I can get so exhausted from health, family and ministry that adding one more person to my schedule feels like it might be the end of me. However, I rarely turn down an invitation from a friend; when I accept, I'm reminded how much that time fills my tanks. I just lose sight of it easily in the midst of every day life. I'm trying to change, but it's a slow process.

I consider friendships very special. I have a friend in Maryland that I haven't been in touch with like I should. She has called me on several occasions and I have failed to return her call and when I do, it's days later!. When I call or email her she is as open as always. I appreciate her and I believe her expectations have changed about me staying in touch regularly. When we talk we are like old friends, and I am thankful that she has accepted me as I am. with all of my faults She is still a dear friend and she will be there for me if
I need her.

Well, now after reading Lori's comments I think I will just back off. "If someone isn't making any effort to be with you or talk to you then they pretty much don't want to." That hit me. Duh! For my own emotional health I will let it go. There are more important things in life to concentrate on.
Like praising God for all His blessings!

i think we call all relate to this topic in one form or another. this is what i have been learning for myself. we need to bring jesus into every situation and let him be the guide as to what to do in that circumstance.
i happened to think what might attract one person to another is the fact that one is initatior and one is the other.
we also need to find our value in Jesus. It is nice to get it from friends but sometimes it is more than what they have to give.
we are given such a short time on this earth to life out our purpose.
So show grace when needed.... look for Our Heavenly Fathers glory placed in someone and do what you feel the lord is leading you to do and sometimes the best gift is to pray for them and bless them and follow the journey you are on.
May the Lord Bless each of you who have shared and give you peace. love and guidance in all things going on in your life

Great post! I needed this today.

Do you know why feeling rejected is much more common now adays? I just figured it out. Because not too long ago, we didn't have answering machines, cell phones, call waiting,texting, computers with e-mail and chat. We had a home phone. If someone called and you didn't answer, you didn't owe anyone an explanation. You weren't home! Or you didn't hear it. The end. Plus you had no idea who it was who called you til they told you later "hey, I tried calling you last nite." "Hmm," you say, I missed it I guess."
I know I am guilty of feeling rejected when I get no response from all my forms of communication. People are probably just busy or have People Overdose.
I need to relax, and live and let live.

I have been living in a new town for a year now, and have left lots of old friends from my old town, who thankfully call now and then but that is fine, but my true friend who I can relate this too, has been in my life since our teens, and I find I always call her and sometimes she can manage a long call but most times she says am busy can I call you back and guess what, she never calls me back, so I have continued over the months to continue to connect with her, but after reading this great post and reading othes post I think I am going to not call her so often now and will appreciate the contact we do have now and then. Thanks for not feeling so alone in this feeling.

It hurts when your friend just doesn't seem to really be interested in you. I mean, you may call them they may call you, but you don't always know how they feel about you, you may ask and they may say that everything is find to them.
How can you agree with someone if you don't even know if you agree on even your friendship? It's weird, when the person doesn't express how they feel about you, they kind of talk around you and you have to guess that that's for you. some people just don't come out and say, I love you, I am glad I have you for a friend, want to come over, what do you think? Is this a healthy relationship?

I have a friend like this. She can ignore me for long periods of time. i wont hear from her unless i email or call. I start to feel like she is brushing me off, then she'll write and want to talk and say she misses me and loves me and we need to get together. Its the back and forth not knowing whats up? that is so tiring. I can handle what ever it is, like a new friend or maybe she just needs her space, etc. Just tell me the truth, your real feelings and i can handle that better than worrying about whether we are still friends or not. or if Ive done something wrong, or hurt her feelings. I ve read lots of books on womens friendships, very interested in this topic. thanks

I am with you on that jana. Just Tell The Truth, all you people out there who have no interest in being friends! Why let us waste our time trying to be your friend? We are not mind readers. We have found something interesting in you and only wish to be your friend. If thats too difficult for you then be honest and let us move on. This is a very frustrating area of life.

thank you for your insight I have been having a rough time fitting into another new church. My husbands job takes us to a new location ever couple of years. I have made few friends as I go about being a mother of two, and finding ways to minister to others. I am saddened at the difficulty I am having making new friends. It seem to get harder as I get older. I seem to always invite other over but usually end up with them cancelling plans or wanting to continuously reschedule. Why is it so hard to let newcomers into the "group". Its been over a year now at this church, I'm still on the outside looking in and asking God for the second time in this particular location, if this is the right church for us.

Wow! This topic really hit home for me. I have been the initiator for the past four years after moving to a new town. I have been so hurt by not being included or even turned down by those in church that I recently decided to not attend anymore. I tried setting up a playgroup in our church and no one showed up...not even our pastor's wife. I felt really low and dejected. I no longer try to initiate friendships because I think maybe God is trying to get me to focus on him and him alone. Its a tough season but I'm recognizing it as just that..a season that will move on to another season full of friendship and authentic relationships. I never had friend problems till I moved so I believe this is God's will for me now. Even knowing that, it still sucks to live through a friendship drought.

Communication is so key. I think we have to state, to the other friend as well as to ourselves,is this relationship beneficial? are we being helped,learning, growing ? are we enjoying this? We might also need to evaluate what type of relationship it is? Is it a Mentor/Mentee Relationship or a Reciprocal Relationship? and what do we both want? If we don't get real or put our feelings out there, we may just keep wasting time. Some relationships are seasonal. I guess we have to pray and find out what God wants. Relationships should bring happiness and I think you should feel good about them

Sarah it Does suck to be in a friendship drought. I have one friend who lives out of state who I feel very close to. Her only problem is the distance! I really long to have a friend who is close in heart and proximity! I beleive God wants us to draw close to Him too. I try to concentrate on that. I fully understand how you feel though. I am praying for this season to pass soon for you and me and everyone who is experiencing it.

It's amazing that as females we all have gone thru this at one point or another in our lives. It can be so hurtful and when we have been there thru thick and thin with our friends and they are not there when we need them. My girlfriend and I were so close.......the kind of friend that I would leave in my house when I am not there, she would call me at any hour of the morning, financial.....whatever it is I was there. Until she dropped me when she met someone (a man). I didn't hear from her for months. She started to call again when he dumped her. I am happy that the Lord has brought me to a point where I have grown to be totally dependent on him. If it wasn't for that situation I wouldn't have grown this much spiritually. Other times, I would be chatting on the phone when I could have been reading my bible and having a more intimate relationship with God.........So I just have to say a big thank you to her!!!

Well, I know we are to have a close walk with Jesus. I am not as close as I should be. But, he didn't put billions of people on this earth for us to be alone either. We are here to take care of each other and share life. So I am still praying for a best friend who lives close by. I will work on my relationship with Jesus too. That is something that can be closer too with the encouragement of a good friend.

I thought I had a best friend. I had known her for some twenty years.I was in a new relationship with a very good man. I wanted her to meet him.
All was OK for a while after she arrived. Quite chummy. Later she started telling this wonderful man things she knew about me that I hadn't told him yet. To his credit he was very cool and circumspect.Later still, as we were about to go to bed I said my good nights to her and then he said his. After we went to bed he told me she had grasped his hand and had attempted to stroke it. Not your innocent stoking mind you. I'm sure she didn't expect him to tell me. Her experience of men is that they are neither honest or kind and I had the love of my life that I think she wanted to destroy or at least make very difficult.

I forgive her this but the relationship is now irrevocably altered. I am saddened because I thought she was my best friend for such a long time. I feel enlightened and betrayed at the same time. An odd mix of feelings.

I just wanted to say that this even did help me in a relationship that I am experiencing with a man. I really have deep feelings for him and his daughter, but it's always up to me to make the plans for us (them, my children and me) all to get together. It's sad to say, but maybe I am barking up the wrong tree and I need to move on. Thanks for the insight on this one.

This post really stirred up feelings inside for me. I've learned some very hard and important lessons on friendships over the past few years.

A dear friend of mine, a couple of years ago, was always upset that i never initiated our time together. What she didn't understand was that there were and still are priorities in my life that take precedence. I work full-time, go to school, church, AND I'm married with a child. I was always happy to make time when she would suggest something, but unless I had to make the time, I chose the down-time. Ultimately, i lost that friend, mostly because of my faith in God and her lack thereof.

I have since made some really awesome friends, those who understand my situation and priorities and I have had tell tell them up-front that they will have to tell me straight out if there is something they want to do---otherwise, i will always choose down time when I can get it. And it goes both ways, I have a friend who doesn't always call back. She gets busy with her toddlers and by the end of the day, she's tired and wants peace and quiet.

My biggest lesson, is that when I really need one of my friends(or even my husband) and they aren't available for me, that's God's way of saying to me that I need to talk to HIM first. He kindly reminds me who comes before my friends. He is the ultimate advice giver.

I am in the camp that believes that friendship is a 2 way street. If all you get out of the friendship is bad feelings because someone is not returning your calls or initiating contact, then it is time to move on. I have had several "friends" do this over the past 20 years or so and it has taken me a while to realize that life is short and you just move on.

I read and learned a lot from all these postings. One of the earlier postings by Rob refers to 'energy' and type A & B people being different. The Meyers-Briggs psychological 'types' include Introverts and Extroverts (not in the conventional way we think of them): In M-B, extroverts get their energy from being around other people - after a full day of interactions with others at work/ministry, they still crave time with others...while introverts can also have a full day of interactions, but at the end of the day must have quiet, solitude and time alone to get their energy recharged. I have experienced this frequently over the years and still smile how some of my co-worker friends grudgingly allow me to return to my hotel room at the end of a full day of conference work and presentations, while they are off to even more social interactions each evening when we attend and/or present at seminars, etc.

In addition, as the oldest of 7 children, I have always craved time alone in the house when my parents and younger siblings were elsewhere... quiet and a bit of solitude were cherished moments for me even when young and a teenager!

I also remember a rough time period when there were both financial and relationship problems in my marriage and with our children; all 4 of our parents were seriously ill and/or dying and we were the primary care-givers; my work was suddenly tremendously difficult and nerve-wracking; my husband was also struggling with seminary studies and only part-time jobs to help support the family.

Being a M-B introvert to begin with and exhausted by the problems associated with elder care challenges on top of everything else going on in our busy lives, I just had to let everything go that was not a top family priority for that 'season' of time.

During that time, a formerly close, long-time friend became totally exasperated with me because: "You are no fun any more. You don't want to go anywhere we used to go or get together for an impromptu lunch or dinner. You don't even enjoy shopping any more!"
I admit that I was actually afraid to be in a situation where I might be tempted to share deeply with someone who was so very self-absorbed, had sent her own mother to live with her sister in another city because she couldn't cope with her (healthy) mother living with her, and all the other aspects of what I now considered her very shallow life that was focused on personal experiences, and a materialistic (clothes, decorating, vacations, belongings) approach to her life. While I was glad to help her if she had a true emergency as I had in the past, I honestly could not cope with one more "non-core" relationship at that time.

I was just too "life weary" at the time to enumerate the many reasons for my lack of available time and lack of interest in getting together with her (Besides, my challenges were already known to her). I asked for my friend's understanding and that I truly didn't know when I might be available for "fun". I never heard from her again, and I must be honest that it was a relief.

One thing that was very positive from this "loss" of a friend was that instead of confiding in female friends, I had to go to our Lord and to my husband to share how difficult life had become. I learned that in the priorities of my faith and marriage, this was the better way for me to 'confide' in another. Sometimes friends are "there for us", but may not be the very best help for what is really weighing down our spirit. The priorities of God, husband, children, ministry/job, church, and then all others had to be sorted out and prioritized to allow me to continue through that difficult 'season'.

Although that most difficult time is now in the past, I still require some 'recharging' time, not more social interaction, after a very busy day! I also no longer feel that I need to apologize for how God made me, and have friends who understand that I will never be a 'social butterfly', as I find true joy in time with God, family and even an occasional time alone in order to best meet other responsibilities and obligations. I have found great fun and happiness in sharing worship, prayer and ministry with like-minded friends who are less concerned about being constantly entertained and pursuing new experiences.

I must say, I am bothered by all the commenters who excuse their not initiating phone calls and outings with their friends by stating that they're introverted and therefore require more time alone and/or with their immediate families. I know plenty of introverts who, in spite of their needing extra downtime away from crowds in social settings, do their part to maintain their friendships because they value them. Genuine friendships are reciprocal -- there is no way around it!

I believe it should be reciprocal too Gillian. Even if its just a quick call or e-mail now and then.
I wonder if my inability to let go of "friendships" that do not reciprocate is just me living in a fantasy world of having friends who really don't exist? Moving on would be better for everyone involved. Hmm. I just had a duh moment. Thanks.

Hey, I happened across your blog while searching for something to lift my spirits because I�ve been struggling with precisely this issue for quite some time now. First, let me say that I�ve never been a big pursuer of friendships. I suppose that�s partly because I�m just more naturally inclined toward introversion and partly because it�s always seemed easier and less intimidating to just let such things happen naturally as opportunity or proximity presents itself. This, obviously, is one of the main reasons I�ve established hardly any really close friendships over the years. So, in this sense, I�m not really an initiator. But that doesn�t mean that I don�t value a friend and put forth an effort to establish and maintain the relationship once I identify or sense that a friendship potentially exists. At this stage, my recent experience has been that I�ve had to do almost all the initiating and supporting and encouraging in most of the friendships I�ve sought to cultivate.

Now, I do certainly understand and sympathize that people are very busy with their families, jobs, and other responsibilities, and many people are dealing with various other issues as well. And I absolutely acknowledge that no relationship is going to be 50/50 all the time or, for that matter, at any time. Sometimes people do have legitimate reasons for needing some space for a while. But in spite of all that, I must agree with Gilliam and Kim that genuine friendships are ultimately reciprocal. A friendship is a relationship and, like any other, can by no means be built or maintained other than by mutual effort.

So, if you are blessed to have someone in your life who extends the hand of friendship to you in kindness, encouragement, and support, please make at least some degree of consistent effort to let them know you appreciate them and value their efforts on your behalf by demonstrating a willingness to give back some of what you�ve received. To consistently do otherwise simply demonstrates you don�t truly care.

It helps to know that others struggling with the same issues understand what I�ve been experiencing�.

As I read this I could see that I am definately not the one to call my friends, but I now know that is because I have been hurt in some of my very close friendships in the past. Which in turn makes it very hard for me to initiate things, because of all the old negatives.
I can also say that I do not initiate because I had never been taught (or saw) others do these things, because I never saw my parents or siblings do these things. So I can say that it is something that for me is something that I need to work on doing more often & sometimes I need to be reminded that it is my turn to initiate somethings in the relationship (since it is not a part of my nature).
Sometimes what we see or learn as a child carries over to our adult lives and we don't even know that what we do or don't do hurts others around us, unless we are told or can be taught how to change our behaviors.
Thanks for helping me become more aware of how others might feel when I don't initate things into our friendships.

I think there are some friendships so valuable that you don't mind initiating. The main reasons to end a female friendship is if the person continually hurts you, and you are always in pain for whatever reason. I have a mentor/friend who I always contact and call - because to be honest - I am honoured by her friendship and she has family commitments. Some female friends break your friend-heart but I have found the Lord will usually restore a mended love for them even if we must keep our distance. Some women are spolt, narcissistic, self-centred and arrogant - forget busy and introvert - those women don't make good friends. My main struggle is my birth mother who will have no contact with me except her request that I 'call her occasionally' . The slight problem being is she constantly moves and leaves me no forwarding number! I do still call her when I can get her, because i have the Lord, she doesnt - and I love her - even though I need her - she doesn't have the love I need. God is Good - best to rely on him.

My problem with female friendships is that I allowed my partner to drive all of them away from me. He was so afraid that if we were to go out and have some fun, that we would be looking for other men.
I know now that his insecurities ran very deep. He could be an abusive man, but had the nack of doll-baby this, and please forgive me that. I guess that I was afraid to lose him coming from an abusive step-fathers home, in which my Mother acted like nothing was happening. Now that I am older I have no use for men at all. I don't love women, just because I hate men.
If a young girl of 4yrs. through 14 can't count on her Mother to protect her, then she has nothing. I learned to hate my Mother like my step-father. She put me out of the house at 14 because of jealousy. It wasn't that I wanted to live with them, I just didn't have anywhere to go. That's where my real Fathers Mother stepped in and took me out of their home.
She wanted to bring them up on charges, but was afraid for our lives. God bless this old woman who died when I was 16, the only person that ever loved me. I hate to think of other young girls going through this type of abuse, and plan to start a website for abused young women. Bless and protect the children!

Dawn, your comment "God is Good - best to rely on him" is true enough. I can't think of a single person in my life...parents, spouse, siblings, children, friends...who hasn't failed in some way to love me the way I need to be loved. Human love isn't perfect and never will be, so we shouldn't place our hope in human love. It's hard, though, because as long as we are in this world, we feel a need for warm, affectionate human contact and look for God to reach out to us through other people.

It's very discouraging and disappointing to continually reach out in friendship to others who seem to have little interest in responding. I've been struggling with this for a while but seem to be feeling a little better lately. Maybe my acceptance of the situation has grown to the point that I'm just not focusing so much on my feelings about it all.

At any rate, I have to believe the lesson to be learned in all this is always to seek God first. If we're always seeking and fretting about human love...or lack thereof...when do we have time to truly be seeking God first? He said all things would be added to those who seek first His kingdom and that all things work together for the good of those who love Him. Our experience is yet another reminder of our need to learn to let go and trust Him completely with our lives, another faith-building exercise.

I empathize with your feelings about your birth mother. I have basically the same feelings about my mother, even though she is a constant in my life. I struggled with it for years until I finally accepted that she couldn't offer what she didn't have the capacity to give, and that her inability to love me the way I needed was a result of her own life experience and issues and really had nothing to do with me.

May God bless you in your journey toward peace.

this is where we can learn from other religions: the Buddhists call it 'attachment' to the outcome. Jesus taught us to love anyway. All love comes back to us from God- just not always as we expect or more likely demand it! Do we trust- then don't worry. This is when I pray and hand to God life's disappointments, misunderstandings and mysteries!

Its funny how my brain works! When I found this blog I was so excited to find people in the same situation and I read it everyday thinking I would surely find the answer or the key to what I can do to change things with one particular friend. It didn't work. So, as Dr. Phil says "hows that workin for ya?" It aint! So I will stick with Jesus and leave the rest to Him!!
I found peoples input very emotionally helpful anyway and comforting- it just didn't change anything as far as my frienship goes.. I know prayer changes things. So I keep praying. It is good to have sisters in Christ who support one another. Thanks for that.

In all my friendships I've been too shy to initiate initial contact; others have approached me. When they'd extend an invite to do something, I'd be open and take up the offers. I have been, and still am very appreciative of these friendships. The friendships would develop into a 2-way relationship. Unfortunately, for a couple of those close friendships, something would blow it out of the water, the season would be over and the friendship would end. Today, I still moarn those losses, but feel it has to be. Currently I'm down to two dear friends only, who all 3 of us live in different states. I miss the contact of going to the mall, movies, out for coffee, and just talking about girl stuff, etc. Especially, when my husband isn't into doing anything but working and sleeping. And currently I do not work outside the home so I don't have the contact from people at work. I keep thinking God has that plan for me because he doesn't want his own lonely and sad. Maybe he's using this time to strengthen my hope, faith and trust in him. Particularly in the area of bringing in new friends and friendships that I can again nurture.

First of all, it was such a relief to know that so many women experience these 'friend feelings' if not kind of sad to hear the heartache.

I have found out that because my father was an alcoholic and controlling as well as my ex, I have been unknowingly drawn to some controlling friends. When i really just wanted someone to feel like 'family' because my own is so broken up-

i was attracting people that were not healthy. I have signed up for 'changes that heal' at my church. about healing from the past.

My mom had me when she was 19 and 'had' to get married. I have always felt her distance from me. I have to forgive her. I am working on it.

My dad was controlling but the one to say 'i love you' and the 'hugger' so i guess i was drawn to more controlling people.

i started feeling like i don't want to be with this or that friend because they are driving me crazy and stressing me out, so I still have like 4 close friends that are kind of spread out. i wish i had a neighbor to walk and talk with......

i have one teenage son and i am single, cannot just get up and go to all these single things at night, and can't afford it either.

however, can someone reassure me that , yes, God will provide a couple new friends i can talk with. I have decided to attend classes at church as well as the 'changes to heal'......

i just need reassurance that yes i can make new friends...

sounds silly but would love to hear from you all.

Warmly
linnie

I

I try to ask God to make it clear whether it's His plan for me to stay friendly with this individual or let her go. My hubby reminds me not to judge. Do men even fret over these things? I doubt it.
Oh, and occasionally a "friendship" will get toxic, and I dump THEM!

Posted by: quinns_crossing on August 7, 2007

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I'm a male. And yes I understand completely. I've experienced this with both men and women. Ex work colleagues can a sticking point. I don't fret over whether there is something wrong with me or not (because there is something wrong with every one really, it's just that we are so good at maintaining facades) but I do get dissappointed when I'm the primary or sole initiator. The most consistent friendships I have are those where we keep in contact with each other - eqaully. Whether that is a weekly, monthly or greater communication - just knowing that the other person values the relationship by reciprocating is enough to heep it alive - otherwise I will tend to let it die, thinking that I'm more a burden to the person than a blessing .

I've been tearing up as I've been reading all the comments--- It really helps to know how much others struggle in balancing friendships. thank you to everyone who put in their input and suggestions.

I went through certain phases in my life where I was either the initiator or the friend that wasn't reciprocating... The latter was the worst, because I was going through some personal issues and just didn't want to see anyone. All I wanted to do was to hide out and be left alone...

After a while, I began to ask myself : What kind of a Christian friend was I to the ones that were constantly reaching out to me but I was not responding? And was this God's way of reaching out to me?

So finally, I decided to involve God into my friendships.

The ones that were reaching out to me - I prayed for strenght to 'force' myself out of my shell to and meet up. After sometime, I realised that it was God reaching out to me... the love and the warmth I received from them was just what I needed to help me get back on my feet.

As for those that were not responding, after sometime, I told God that I would leave it in His hands. I had done all I could to reach out to them, so now it was up to God and them . I prayed that if they ever needed a friend, they will remember me and never be afraid to call me. Which they have...

Isn't God just amazing?

^__^

Thanx editor, i just cant believe that in life its not only me that undergoes such situations. As i waw reading the text, i felt i wzs the one who wrote it. Honestly, we are in the same shoes. Im always the initiaoto of communication between me and a friend whom i want to be my gilr friend and later wife in future. As you lamented, Our relationship too is unrecipricol- it is a one sided relationship that has even made me think that im a fialure as regards keep friends (female) around me is concerned. Have learnt to let go and believe in a scripture of Ecc: 3:1 that says there is time for every thing!!! Ya have now sturdily started believing in that. At one time God will Provide me with A woman who;ll always be there for me anfd that will value our relationship by making it two sided as opposed to one-sided. Have aswell learnt not to blame thy self for such stinging situations in friendship. Thanx Editor!!

Wow! Thank you for posting such a relevant story...I've lived this one in spades. About 6 years ago my best friend from high school (I'm in my 40's now) simply stopped responding to any calls or E-Mails that I initiated to him.

Talk about experiencing the grieving process! My first inclination was to take an introspective look at what I MIGHT have done to cause it...It was really painful and the mystery of it hurt me deeply.

About three years later he called me late one night and I accepted the call: turns out the issue was with him...forgiveness is key here.

Moral of the story: never assume, try your best to find out reasons for the behavior and pray as much as you can.

Yours letters are good.