I think there is always the potential for a group to become more lopsided towards a particular demographic. Sometimes this is a natural occurance due to time , place , and setting of the group meetings but also in response to the everchanging needs of the community ( biblical and/or secular ). I agree with the author that it is especially discouraging to find out you don't fit in within a church group setting whether an oversight or just a season of life that is not yours it can be really devastating to feel "invisible".

The women's Bible study at our church has tried to keep tabs on the growing diversity of needs in our midst. The hardest part is that the needs are almost
always known but the particular leaders
and staff helpers are not always plentiful for those areas and we see constant changes from year to year due to those hard to fill gaps .

More than ever we as women need to seek out what our unique gifts in ministry are and where God may be leading us to
help others. When we step out of our comfort zones we can find new ways to be of service to HIM and also find new fulfillment for ourselves as well !

Where do women fit in the body of Christ, we all make up the body of Christ with our spiritual gifts God has bestowed on each of us, we are each unique and different, bringing in our gifts. But some churches are so big and orderly they have their set group of people, so where does the rest of us fit in, we want to be apart and use our gifts, were tired of sitting on the pew being invisible. I want to live for Christ Jesus, not be a bystander in the audience, I want to be apart of the body of Christ, not a body count. Women we are apart of the Body of Christ, not a bystander condtioned. Pray that the Lord can show you ,your place in His Body, Christ has not left you out, He has a place for you to fit in. In Jesus Amen

I can SO relate to this isolation, as I am single and celebate, divorced, and my only child was murdered 6 yrs ago. so i dont fall easily into any one 'category' and so I understand how one can be lonely in the midst of a crowd of people! That in itself almost adds to the sense of being 'different' -- that you are in a group of other women, yet you feel very much alone. I'm sorry this happened to you, but I believe that we can learn from every experience, regardless of how painful a lesson it might be. GB!

I can't speak to how minority, divorced, and widowed women feel in church circles, but I do know what it is like to be a thirtysomething never-married single. I find that the results of married church teachers' trying to be "inclusive" with regard to single women are usually disastrous. A Bible study lecturer once told my group, "Marriage is a gift, and celibacy is a gift." Putting the issue of what I believe to be false teaching and incorrect interpretation aside, the teacher was able to say this with a completely straight face because she had been married for 30 years and had 3 children. She also pointed to Lydia in the Book of Revelation and asked whether her example of hospitality made single women feel better about their status. As for me, it did not! (And I personally didn't feel enough information was given about Lydia to use her as such an example.) Being single does not automatically give me more time to serve; in fact, it presents time constraints that are often easier for married couples to navigate because they can turn to each other for help (e.g., the upkeep of a home and finances and errand-running).

I agree that churches and parachurch organizations should acknowledge the changing demographics, but this needs to be done in a thoughtful and empathetic manner and those in the church far too often fall short of this standard.

Many of these events leave people like us feeling that if you aren't washing your husbands sock, running your kids to soccer practice in your SUV, cooking a well-balanced meal, & gracefully climbing the corporate ladder you have failed as a woman in Christ; or maybe it is just me. It would be nice to have these events focus more on where we can serve the Lord in every area of our lives. While a majority of Christian women are married with children it is also important to reach out to our growing population of women just as hungry and able to serve the Lord, if not more so. Singles, men & women, already feel alienated & frustrated enough to not have it brought to their attention every thirty seconds how they have "failed."

Another thing, somewhat related, that irkes me is the placement of singles in the ministry. I recently read about a pastor who was having a very difficult time finding a job due to the fact he was recently widowed. Before he never had a problem but all the churches he had applied to had either told him they did not want a single pastor or offered him a part-time position as a singles ministor. I have also been told it is very difficult for a single woman to find a job in foreign missions. I know this is partly for safety reasons but since when has mission work ever been the safest career choice. It frustrates me because the Bible does say that it is better to be single so you can more easily dedicate you life to the Lord rather having to put much of your time & energy into the family.

It is always nice to hear that I'm not alone & others also feel "pushed to the side" at times.

Thanks for openly sharing your experiences, Camerin. I had a similar experience with false advertising for an event, where it was because of my young child that I was barred minutes before the event. Definitely the burden for inclusiveness and true advertising should be considered carefully by leadership. But most importantly, each of us need to practice a life of inclusiveness with friends who have a different life than us. This is something I am still working on. I was at an informal ladies' dessert last night, and it troubled me how much of the conversation was devoted to children. One of the newest people there, who I invited so she could meet some church ladies, is single without children. I think one of the simplest things each of us can to is to guard our tongues and honour others above ourselves. It's natural to talk about things that dominate our lives, but if we insist on prattling on about things that isolate others, it shows a deep level of selfishness. The real question is, can I put aside my own agenda of the things I want to talk about so that a new friend can talk about things that matter to her?

I agree with the author. This is exactly how I feel sometimes. I am married (have been for 6 1/2 years) and we just started the baby journey and most of my friends have kids some are young adolescent and some are brand new. The kicker is most of my friends are about 5 years younger than me. I felt like I would have surpassed them in the baby arena and my friends that are my age are done having their kids. I feel like I missed the boat sometimes. To make me feel okay with it I feel like God has brought these people into my life so I can learn from them know that it will be my turn someday. I just have to be patient and wait on the Lord to work things out according to His plan. In recent days I found that listening to Him, and doing what He wants us to do, that things will fall into place and the weight is lifted off of us. I just want to let the author know that I really appreciate this article because I have felt like maybe I was being selfish in the way that I was feeling but now I know that a need just wasn't being met. I'm in a much better place now and I will wait on the Lord to working things out for His good.

As a woman whose husband walked out leaving her with a 2 year old after 15 years of marriage, I have been on both sides of this issue. Once I left the stay-at-home world of the married mom and entered the working single mom realm, I became invisible. There was no child care offered for the few after work (evening) women's ministry events and no single mom group. When I inquired, I was referred to the singles' ministry which is primarily a social ministry of young 20-30 year olds. The women's ministry needs to do more than offer support and respite for married mothers, it needs to also address the women who are of all ages and phases of their lives. I feel I could learn a lot from older women who are now empty nesters as well as single women with careers, and I feel I also need to help build them up. More inclusion, less isolation!!! :)

I concur with the writer. I fit an even rarer profile-Black, mid 40s, over-educated. I find myself among women of an opposite demographic-white, young, married with a family, usually with no college education. It did not help things when a white male friend from the Midwest told me that women of my ethnicity are not generally considered suitable for marriage, as we tend to reduce the social and professional opportunities offered to prospective white suitors. Pity... for the Black demographic is shrinking as a percentage of the population and it is hard for women like me to stick to my ethnicity when seeking a partner. My white female friends offer patronizing remarks, rather than express outrage at the level of prejudice that condemns vibrant, attractive, loving women to a life of singleness because of the color of our skin. Oh well...that's just the point of view of a foreign born woman. Were I born in this country, I might be more accepting of my state in life...

Instead I took the opportunity to start a singles group for women and men in their 40s.

It's interesting that the body of Christ, who practiced inclusion at every opportunity, has such a hard time with it. It seems that those who are no longer single have forgotten what it's like to feel the isolation. I encourage my single friends to refrain from sitting on their hands waiting for something/someone to happen along and make it all better, and to put themselves out there to find their niche. On the other hand, I also admonish my married friends to pay attention to how they treat singles. We are not less mature, we are not somehow less Christian as singles, although they would believe that. This attutude discounts--minimizes even--the lives and ministries of both Christ and Paul. By making singles less Christian, we tell them, in effect, "You simply don't count in the Kingdom--there's nothing for you to do, because we're better equipped to cover it all." Pigeon-holing someone as a Christian just because they do not share our demographic is the same as walking on thin ice come judgment day. I would hate to stand before God and be asked, "Why did you quench the spirit of My child, who was not married?"

I am a single again woman of 50 with one 22 year old son. I have been single again for 9 years so I can relate to both categories. It is easy to feel left out at times but we have to remember God made us all different so we will not be in the same place as everyone else. We get in trouble when we start comparing ourselves to other people. We can't do that. We are unique people living unique lives. We should embrace our brothers and sisters in Christ as a family unit....not separate ourselves into groups. It takes all kinds of people to make up a family. We are all valuable. We should not be complaining like the world does. God has set us apart from the world to be thankful, caring, loving, tolerate people. So what they concentrated on families at your get-away. You are part of a family. Use that time to enjoy you mother / daughter....don't complain. God had you there for a reason. I wonder if you learned what he wanted you to learn?

Now that you mention it, I realized why I don’t go to women’s events. There’s at least one message out of all that usually speak to single women, and even that most likely is taught by a married woman reiterating that we “wait”. As I read the beginning of this column, I felt we shared the same trip, only mine was on a cruise. I thought it was going to be a vacation of fellowship and bonding, but the women separated themselves by age and “status”. I didn’t even see most of the people until the end of the trip. I thought I was alone in feeling this way. Hopefully by you shedding light on this area, we all will come together and be more considerate of each other’s needs.

Yep, this article was about me- late 30's, never married single, but with the added complication of living in a small Texas town! The only singles (male or female) in the area are college kids home for the summer or 70 something widows & widowers. Having moved here from the Dallas area where my church had a thriving singles community, this is a no man's land for me!

Yes, I can relate. I am a divorced woman in her early 40's with no children. It is frustrating to find a place for myself in churches when so much of it is focused on family and children. I have read articles that bemoan the fact that singles are not serving or attending church but why would I want to serve a church or attend a church that is unable to relate to me and where I am in life and makes assumptions about where I should serve just because I am single? Some churches are better than others but it is difficult to find one. I am not sure what the solution is but I hope articles like this one begin the dialog between the church and older adult single christians so things can get better.

Thank you for sharing your story. I have felt invisible and marginal for my entire life. At times, it frustrates me and at other times I am at peace with who I am in relation to other people. As an African-American woman immersed in a predominantly white church community, I often have to balance the feelings of insider/outsider. What's more, I have a very "granola" or "hippie" approach to parenting and life that many other moms I know at church do not share. It can be difficult to view myself in God's eyes but that is all part of my faith walk. Not by sight, but by faith right?

Wow - I thought it was just me!
The study group I was part of was made up of women of all ages, some married, some divorced, and they all had kids of varying ages. Everyone except me. Single, never married, no kids, the breadwinner of my "family" (me, myself, and I), I always seemed to not quite fit in. How I looked at things was different and my questions were different.

While they were all nice women, and I enjoyed the group, sometimes it was very difficult to listen to them complain about the very things I was praying for - the kids, the husband, the in-laws...

But I also don't fit in the the secular single - I don't hang at bars, pickup guys, drink, party all night . . . My friends that are more the party types are not the Christian type that I really would prefer to be around.

The funny thing is that many of my friends have always come to me in regards to family issues (dealing with the spouse, having a baby, raising said baby, things like that). Somehow they see me as a font of knowledge on these things.

I have felt the same way the author did at the conference. Currently at the church I grew up in there is neither an organized women's ministry nor a singles ministry. I believe there are many reasons for this, but two main reasons are lack of leadership and lack of participation. There is a women's bible study, but it only meets in the mornings, when those who work can't come. But when a bible study was offered in the evening, only one or two people came (out of a church that has regular attendance of about 250-300 people). There was always talk about a singles group, but many of the singles have left to attend other churches or have moved out of the area. And one of my conversations about a singles ministry was with a divorced mom in the church. In that same conversation she tried to set me up with one of the single males at our church! As a 25 year old never married single, my need for a singles group is not to meet potential dates, but to develop friendships (both male and female) and to address issues that apply to me and other like me, not only to those who are married and have kids. One young lady that attended this church specifically asked the man who was in charge of all the small groups if there was any possibility of a singles group or if he could suggest another group where she would "fit in." To which he replyed that she could try the young marrieds group! When I first returned home from college, I tried to get some women's fellowship meetings going once a month or so. The first few were "fun nights", not particularly "Spiritual." There was a decent turnout at these events and everyone seemed to have fun getting to know each other better, but when I planned a mini Silent retreat one evening, the only people that showed up were me and the single gal that had been advised to try the young marrieds group! No one from the church leadership ever even asked me how the evening had gone. I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, but I felt as if, as a young single adult, I was fit to plan "fun" times, but I wasn't quite ready to be trusted with "spiritual" gatherings. I personally have stopped attending this particular church for some of these reasons, and others, but still have not been able to find a good church in the area that does have a singles ministry that is not college-oriented. I have been out of college for over 2 years. I am dealing with much different issues than those who are in college. I am all for desegregating congregations based not only on race, but also age and marital status. But the way to do this is NOT by assuming that one size fits all categories. There does need to be some opportunites for marrieds and singles, old and young to have separate times to gather and learn from each other and the bible.

As a 50-year-old single woman who's never been married or had children, I've often struggled in feeling like I didn't fit in women's groups for some of the same reasons. Like Camerin, I always assumed I'd be a married mom myself one day. Hasn't happened - yet? My current church is trying to reach out more to all women and last year, I served on a committee for a women's retreat. Most of the women were excited about the suggested speaker, but when her topic was announced and had to do with marriage, a married friend glanced at me and immediately said she didn't think that was a good idea. So we actually went with a different speaker. Most of the women in the group were eager to be inclusive and I appreciated their care. Still, some of the fun preparation times - when t-shirts were tie-dyed and beads were strung - was scheduled during a weekday when I and the other singles (and some of the married moms!) were at work. A couple of weeks ago, I received a letter inviting me to become part of the leadership for women's ministry. I had to laugh (ruefully) when I read that the first meeting would be on a weekday morning. The woman who wrote the letter did say, if I couldn't make it at that time, they might be able to switch the meeting time. Now, in all honesty, my evenings and weekends are pretty busy and I don't feel called to be in women's ministry leadership. But it does bother me that the women's ministry at my church has always met on weekday mornings which automatically leaves out the working (single or married) women.

Oh, the emotions this one stirred! I have run the gamut in my life - infuriated at the exclusion & assumptions, and/or isolated & deeply wounded. My background isn't pretty. My childhood left deep scars. As a young adult I added to those by making poor choices. The last thing I needed was the church adding to it! Today, God has healed many wounds graciously, and usually through the church. I'm now 39, never married & my 19 year old has just left home. I still fit in nowhere. Everytime I look into attending women's bible studies they're in the middle of the day. You guessed it, aimed at the young moms. Well, I work full-time. Another of your readers touched on the idea of "more free time" because we're single. Guess who has to mow the lawn, make house repairs (or find someone I can afford) & shovel snow. The small groups are a mixture of couples, most of whom can't fathom my life. The singles groups are either for

Sadly, this is why I have not attended church in nearly 3 years. And oh, yes, I have been very active in churches previously -- I served on church councils in three churches in three different states for nearly 10 years total, sang in adult choir during that time, participated in vacation bible schools, small groups, retreats, synod conventions, etc. But I'm a never married single with no kids in my late forties, and I am tired of feeling so much more lonely, more isolated, more apart after going to a church service than when I came in because I look around me in the pews and there seems to be no one I can identify with and little in the sermons or church program that speaks to my life. Yes, I can understand why churches gear their programs to young families with children, but as Camerin points out, the demographics of our nation are changing and there are a lot of us out there! I don't know what the answer is. I recently moved to a different state and I'm going to give it another try, but frankly, I have little hope that I will find a church where I will feel truly included and belong.

As a Bible study teacher teaching 1 of 2 women's studies at my church, I really appreciate the comments and feedback. I hope that I've tried to include women of all stages of life: single, working, mother, married, divorced, retired, etc. My group tends to be working moms with teenagers, to the exclusion of young married moms or older retired women; while the other group has developed a focus on stay-at-home moms and retirees.

As much as these comments are good for those of us structuring women's ministry, the problem I have is that they propose no solution. How do I include single women without making them feel belittled or like I'm pandering to them? How do I include retired, Godly women without making them feel old and undervalued? I need solutions, not just examples of how ministries have done you wrong.

Thanks.

Thanks for the article, seems like everyone agrees it's relevant. I've been struggling w/ this issue in my start-up church. I know I'm there to serve and am needed, but i feel very isolated. Small grps??= Women, Men, or Couples. And too often the Women's is all about their husbands and kids...not that I don't want them to share their needs, but no one seems to want to understand where I'm at, an older 30-something, not married, no kids. Running off to another church to participate in "singles" ministry didn't seem the answer either. I did that when i was 20-something..
I don't know how to balance my needs with serving the needs of the church.

I agree with you 100% I am single , never married, 43 and no boyfriend. You are not included in anything , family or church. Even when you know you are doing Gods will. You ask to serve in womens ministries and there at every church service, and ask to serve and study as you should , and other miss, don't study for Sunday School classes ect. guess who is picked. Married, moms with kids, and and women who miss church to do thier own thing and are not faithful to God.

Re my previous post, I meant to mention Phoebe of Romans 16:1-2 fame, not Lydia. Please excuse the mistake.

Am sorry you experienced this, but thanks for sharing it - so true, and obviously experienced by many, with much pain associated.
I recently attended two weddings, where the same Minister officiated. His top and tail (the start and end of the sermon) were identical, and both times they got up my nose and that of other singles present (male and female). He said words to the effect of "if you're married, this occasion might remind you of your own wedding, if you're single AND NOT EVEN REMOTELY INTERESTED IN THIS WHOLE MARRIAGE THING..."

I got my chance to draw to his attention how misconceived this statement was (if he was aiming to be inclusive, as I think he was) when he came over to ask why another single girl and I weren't in the lineup for the bouquet toss - a pagan ritual in weddings (one of many) I will not participate in. I said I may not be in the bouquet toss maul, but just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm "not remotely interested in this whole marriage thing". I then sent him some suggested words -"if you're single, you might hope that one day it's you up here". Much nicer, more hopeful, more inclusive.

The pain that can be caused by churches because of the understandable importance placed on marriage and family is immense and often hidden, because we go home and cry rather than take up the cause of singles and other marginalised people in the church. It's up to us to point out, lovingly, where the church is getting it wrong.

Just a quick note of gratitude to all the ladies who openly and honestly shared their own personal experiences. It's nice to know I'm not the only one feeling "left out" or "outta the loop!" Being a never married, 30something woman definitely has its challenges and it's a HUGE pet peeve of mine that many people downplay (or even ignore) specific issues concerning singles.

Camerin, thank you for your timely and relevant articles. This one, yet again, underscored a very important issue in the church. As a Christian woman, I don't necessarily fit the mold that churches seem to push on us. I love the Lord. I want to serve Him with all my heart. But, at the same time, I am single and have other God-given pursuits and interests outside the home.

I don't quite understand why the Church insists on marginalizing single women (whether you are divorced, celibate or a single parent) or pushing a certain mold on us. We are the big elephant in the room that no one knows how to deal with. We need more than being told "singleness is a gift" or a trite pat on the shoulder. Obviously, God has called us to singleness (whether for a season or permanent) for a reason. And, it's a shame that we go underutilized and forgotten. Ironically, if we are utilized in the church, there is the glaring assumption that we have nothing to do (because we are single) therefore they can dump x, y, z tasks on us.

I pray that the church develops Biblically appropriate and theologically sound responses and vehicles to TRULY recognize, utilize and nuture the gifts of both single men and women in the church .

Although I'm married now, I can related to Camerin's experience. Before I got married (in my 30's), I rarely attended church women's events. I knew that most of the women would be sitting around talking about how hard it was to raise a family, and the speaker would probably gear their presentation that way. To be honest, I still have no desire to attend these events, since hubby and I have no kids. I'd rather spend the time with him, since I can't relate to the other women.

My experience, having been raised in the church and now 39 married 20 years with 4 daughters, is women's groups are just hard! Whether you're married or single, have children or don't, work or stay-at-home, home school, christian school or public school (the list goes on and on) there is an opportunity to feel singled-out and scrutinzed in some way. I have never felt accepted or that I fit in no matter what stage or category that I've been in at the time. Unfortunately, I'm just not involved in woman's groups anymore because I always end up feeling inadequate and excluded with women. There is a sense of failure linked to this choice but I just can't open myself up to be hurt again at this point...

I sometimes wonder if this feeling of church family and its expectations and inclusiveness in the body of Christ is overrated and we make too much of it. Both roles of men and women change over our lifetime for many reasons.
What I don't like is the pressure that if what you are not doing doesn't fit a particular theology ( ex ' soft patriarchy' ) you are sinning. Bravo Camerin.. ! "who's a good godly match for me." I don't hear that much anymore. Its marry early because of fear of sexual immorality regardless if they are a good match or not.
You can try hard to fit in and keep your standards high just to be told your a legalist or you can be a working mom and be told that you should be home with your kids.
It never seems to end. I really don't like church events for women all that much to be honest. I would rather serve in other areas.

I can totally understand this point of view from previous experiences. I am so grateful for the church I go to now that does an excellent job of capturing issues that are all inclusive. We recently had a women's dinner and the topic was about depression and dealing with it. Everyone, single, married, divorced, has dealt with depression and can learn from each other. Sometimes we have to look at a bigger picture to make sure everyone is included. Lonliness, listening to God, serving, prayer, busyness are all universal themes that can be taught to all stages of life.

I can absolutely relate to the writer of this article. I am a divorced single mother of a 16 year old girl. Our church does not have any type of women's ministry at all; however, the married women with children seem to have a special group that divorced women are definately not apart of, it's almost as though being divorced is an unforgivable sin and to be around us would mean that it might be contagious. Well, that leaves those of us in this position very much alone and quite hesitant to speak up about our needs because it draws the wrong type of attention. The only thing I can do is lift this up in prayer and listen intently for what God would want me to do. My love and prayers go out to all of you......

Great insight, Camerin! The kicker is that many of us "young, married moms" feel invisible at these things too--because the focus on our roles as Mom and Wife diminishes our individual identities. While we love being moms, it's hard when that's all anyone can see. And that's how it feels at many women's conferences, retreats, and Bible studies.

How nice it would be if we could focus on the women God made each of us to be and not just lump everybody into broad categories and assume we were all the same.

While we may be wives, mothers, or singles, and each of those groups needs ministering to, it would be so nice if "womens" gatherings were places where we celebrated the way God made each of us as individual women to reflect him in ways outside those labels. We are more than our roles.

I thank you for you words as this is so how I have felt for such a long time. We attend a very large church and it has been difficult to try to find/build relationships with older women. I joined the weekly evening bible study in hopes to do just that to find the group I was placed in was all young new moms. I am 51 and my prayer is and has been that the Lord will bring the friendships needed in the right time

My heart goes out to all of you - I've been excluded at various times of my life for various reasons - today I find myself as the voice cryiing in the wilderness to please CHANGE the thought process around the retreats at my church. I nag for keeping the agenda inclusive for as many women in our church as possible. I do get resistance, which further frustrates me. Keep praying for our Body to understand that one size doesn't fit all!!! We women NEED the retreat time with other women - but we need to be in a nurturing environment during that time. Giod bless al lof you!

Thank you so much! How often have I felt that I did not fit in for various reasons? How often have I heard from other women that the welcome was just not wide enough to honor all women - that the hospitality was focused on married moms? Here's a thought: when planning ministry to, for and with women, make sure that the team represents diverse perspectives, generations, life experiences, etc. While we can't be all things to all people (only Jesus can), we can certainly hold each other accountable for praying and working together to ensure that "our thing, our experience, our perspective" is not the only one honored in the room of Sisters. And, let's stop saying things like "black sheep of the family."

Yes, I get what you are trying to say - I honor your point and am grateful for it. But using terms like that is an example of what excludes sisters from the company of other sisters. It hurts. Black sheep are God's sheep, too.

I know what y ou mean, I have no children of my own--I married and had no children -- swore I'd never marry again -- but have & this marriage did not bring children either. It's hard hearing stories about others who have this, but can't relate to me whose first & current husband didn't want any more... Baby Showers are difficult, too, and especially Mother's Day at Church...I could go on and on...

Thanks for sharing Camerin. I too have felt that way and have found no answer for my isolation. For numerous years I was in a dating relationship but unmarried so didn't fit in that crowd - then was married to a non-believer - so didn't fit into the young married couple crowd either. Then when I was 30 my husband died from cancer and so became the youngest widow that I knew. So once again was in a "group" that didn't really have a definition or other members. Now I am remarried at 37 and a new mom. So in a way I fit into the "young" crowd who are just starting their families but haven't been through the same experiences in life so we have different outlooks. I also don't fit with the older ladies that are either retired or don't have to work outside the home. So I have no group that I can fit into in my church and feel totally comfortable. However - I still participate in my church and still feel part of the family - just like the "black sheep" instead of the favored one. Sorry I don't have any advise to help - but I think more of us feel this way than we know and it is nice to know that we aren't alone in our loneliness.

I am single at age 48 and have been active in women's ministry; understand the "feeling" of not being included in the family of God in the Church when most others are marrieds with families. While there are no easy answers, here are some important things to consider.

Q. Can I start a women's ministry for others who fit this 'niche'?

Q. Am I growing in my relationship with Christ and/or is my spiritual growth hindered by lack of christian fellowship due to the demographics of my church body?

Q. Is there a Fellowship group/small group that I could belong to that would help to enhance relationships and growth. This might even have to be outside your own church if the church doesn't have one.

Q. Will I miss God's call on my life due to fear of the opinions/beliefs of others regarding my current marital status of divorced/single/never married?

God is in the problem solving business and you just might be the person God uses to fill in the gap for others!

I can so unfortunately relate to this feeling of alienation. I am a never-married mom of two small children. I live in a rural/small town area, and at every church we have tried, I have always been the only single mom. People at these small churches tolerate my presence for a while with that fake "I have to be a good Christian" smile and icy hugs but if we keep coming back the attitude seems to shift more towards "Oh, what are you still doing here?" I have grown so tired and disillusioned that we have not attended church in over a year. I miss it terribly but feel like we have tried every church in the area and have not found a single one where we are welcome. It's so sad. Now I see why so many single moms do not go to church.

I attend a church that seems to mostly cater to either married women, married women with children, divorced mothers, and single women UNDER the age of 30.

I would love to see attention focused on women like ME: single, childless, and over 30!

i am the women's minister at my church. first of all, i think that men in ministry don't always get it that women need women and sometimes it's an uphill battle to even get to accomplish a women's event. second of all, some women don't get it, especially, women who are married with children. last year for our annual women's retreat, i had to lovingly stand up to the women on the retreat committee because they wanted to bring a national speaker who talks about rearing children.

i am the women's minister at my church. first of all, i think that men in ministry don't always get it that women need women and sometimes it's an uphill battle to even get to accomplish a women's event. second of all, some women don't get it, especially, women who are married with children. last year for our annual women's retreat, i had to lovingly stand up to the women on the retreat committee because they wanted to bring a national speaker who talks about rearing children.

I remember 24 years ago, reentering the church world as a divorced, single mom and another woman said to me "I can't relate to you because you are divorced and I am not." WOW! I was wounded. She was married to a man who had been divorced. She was a mom. She was a Christian. AND SHE WAS A WOMAN. I never did figure out WHY she couldn't because I felt so isolated from her. I didn't fit in.
I went to a Women's Ministry Leader's Conf several years ago and cried in my room I was so lonely. Many came with their minitry teams; I came alone. Yes, I was alone, lonely, and crying in a room of about 200 women! I'd sit at a table and no one spoke to me even when I tried to enter the conversation. I was an intruder. If I sat at a meal table alone, no one joined me...till one one took pity on me, sat down and talked to me.
It is all sad. I've been in churches where they catered to one group or another, but yes especially to the young MARRIED moms.
We wound those in our cirlce of influence even without realizing it. Maybe those in positions of leadership will read through these letters and go back to the drawing board with their ministry teams and redefind the ministry within their church and reach out to ALL ages, married, single, divorced, widowed. We all need to feel loved and cared for.
Currently I am the Pastor's wife of a very small church and tired as I could, the women's ministry would not 'get off the ground'. I am now feeling alone & isolated in my own church body each and every Sunday. :(
Thanks for allowing me just to 'vent' a bit. I so appreciate all the original posts and comments that follow.
Be blessed....

Bless you! Your column hits very close to home. As a matter of fact, the experience you described is why I have never participated in any women's ministries anywhere. The strong emphasis on families can be confusing and often sad. Am I nothing because I'm not a mom?!? Was I no one special before I was married?

I married later than many of my peers at 38 (have hope, Camerin!) and am blessed to have found such a wonderful man. However, he also feels very out of place in church functions because we do not have children... we simply can't relate to all the soccor games, birthday parties and the latest kid-craze trends. To compound matters, we constantly feel the need to explain why we're childless. The part we find so bizarre is that people don't seem to mind the fact that we're a bi-racial couple, it's the being without kids that seems to isolate us.

The specific reason why a person is not married and/or childless should not make one bit of difference. We're all created equal in the eyes of the Lord and He loves ALL of us... not just those living in a traditional family unit.

AMEN SISTER!!!

I agree that ministering to the diversity of women in churches are a challenge. It is interesting to find that although ministry is offered, it is often limited in the scope of which it is presented. What we are finding is that women are leaving the boundaries of their church setting for the much needed ministry that comes from settings which allow for openess on topics that affect real life. Unfortunately churches large and small miss this, although it is their purpose. Women have always managed to prevail through out history in meeting their needs outside of the "norm." Take a look around at the small intimate groups within your community and surprisingly you will find that in most communities there are biblical based groups of different diversities that are available. Within that scope you will find a group that would fit for you regardless to what season you find yourself in. If a group doesn't exist, then perhaps from the passion of the need, one can be born. Stay prayerful and seek God's guidance.

I have run into a problem concerning women's events also. I am a working mom. I would prefer not to be but that is another story. Many of the mothers in our church do not work and many home school. I love to celebrate their choices but when many of the kids activities and women's activities take place during the workday, it excludes a whole group of families. I wish I had the answers. Instead, I do a whole lot of praying for God to show me the way to serve Him and my family and job. Perhaps switching the emphasis to celebrating our differences and sharing our simalarities (ie, not enough time, money) would bring us all closer together in His name.

I can identify with that "invisible" or "out of the loop" feeling! I am a single, never married mother of two. I almost always find that women's ministries are for every other group, but mine. Although I may have so much in common with women in each, and may be warmly embraced by each, there is something missing. One option we do have Camerin is to maybe form our own group and our sponsor events to minister to the souls of christian women like us. Think about it?

I subscribe to this newsletter and most of the time I skim over the titles and rarely read an entire article. When I saw this blog I almost started to cry. At this point in my life I am looking for a new church home because for the last 8 years I felt like an outsider at my church, not just with the women. I never felt like I fit in and I thought it was ME! My stats are I'm early 40ish, divorced single parent with a good job/career. When I go to church is in an urban area and I live in the 'burbs. Most of the single people are in the early 30's, 9 out of 10 of the women my age are married. The teens who live in the inner city are different than those who live in the 'burbs so my son didn't fit in either. We were never invited to social gatherings even though I spoke up about it several times. We were always an after-the-fact thought, ie, "oh, I didn't know you would come", even though I mentioned several times that was interested in fellowshipping. I would tell them of my son's achievements and no one ever showed up to events that I announced. Well you get the point and I have given up and am now looking for a new church. It hurts to have left but for my spiritual growth I felt I needed to so I didn't feel anymore bitter towards God's people. I am visiting other churches and am paying attention to the people who attend and prayerfully God will help me find one that I fit into better.

Ijust want to take a minute to say thank-you for bringing this important subject up. I am a leader in an International women's ministry, and I never really thought about the different aspects of women's lives. In the group that I am in locally, we have married women with children, single or divorced women some with children, some not, young women in their 20's all the way to women in their late 50's. We meet once a week for bible studies, or where ever the Lord leads. Children are welcome in our group too. The women all love each other, and the children, and some good advice is handed out, tears, and smiles abound. So it is a good reminder for me to remember that all the differences need to be addressed. Not just some singled out.
Blessings,
Kathy :)

I was single for 38 years, and at all church functions felt like a misfit. I married the shy-est man on earth, and at all church functions felt like a misfit. I adopted from overseas when everyone else was giving birth, and at all church functions felt like a misfit. My child suffered from a debilitating lifelong ailment, and at all church functions I felt like a misfit. Finally, I got sick of feeling like a misfit! Somehow, after 20+ years of all this mis-fitting, one night I began to pray as I drove to a woman's church meeting, Let me be a blessing at this meeting. I guess God has a sense of humor because ever since, whenever I pray that, I become the entertainment for the evening, everyone dissolves into fits of laughter at my antics (none of which are planned), and I end up having a blast as well. If there's anything in that to help anyone else, I'll be blessed again! Here's a big cyber hug to all the single, divorced, widowed, ethical, non-ethical, and anything-else women out there - I love you all!

hi there, i can certainly relate to some of the comments here. I am 39 married but no children. It is hard for us to fit into any kind of group our age. mostly have children or are still single. we struggle to fit in and make things work.

Hi Carerin

Your comments brought back a flood of emotions for me. I can sooo relate to your story. I was a child bride and got divorced when my son was 2. During that time I started attending a local church and didn’t fit in at all. I was a young divorced 23 single woman with a 2 year old son. There was no place for me. I didn’t fit in the single/college/young professional group and I certainly didn’t fit in the young couples group. At that time there were no divorced adults attending this church. It later changed but I was the only one for several years.

So where did I eventually end up? With the retirees and widows. They accepted me with open arms and we had lots of fun. My son and I developed wonderful friendships that continue today. It sounds strange but most of my best friends are old enough to be my grandparents. Several friends have since passed away and/or have had major strokes and can no longer get around. It’s been sad to see them struggle, but I try my best to stay in contact with them.

I remarried 12 years ago and now attend a different church, and how ironic that sometimes I find myself feeling isolated like I did in my early 20's. I had a second child with my second husband and she has severe Cerebral Palsy. Where do I fit in with a young child with a disability? I continue to attend church alone as my husband is Catholic and attends his own church. This has never bothered me as I’m used to going to church by myself. My problem is trying to find a place for her in this church. Her medical needs are so severe that it makes it difficult for her to do anything. She is nonverbal and in a wheelchair with limited upper body movement.

Over the years this church has heard my pleas to do something for mothers with children with disabilities. They responded with a parent’s support group for families like mine. It’s been very successful and a blessing to both my husband and I. It has also become an outreach ministry in our area. As wonderful as this is, our children remain on the outside. The problem is they don’t know how to provide programming to this population - it’s very intimidating to them. So, until the Spirit of God moves someone to do something, our children will remain either at home or on the sidelines watching everything go by.

Camerin --

I've been enjoying your writings for quite awhile, but never more so than this one. You hit the nail on the head, girl! I'm a never married, childless, single 53-year-old woman. I've planned three weddings -- none of which have happened. I don't fit with the young singles in their 20's and 30's (and yes, Camerin, you're still young at 36 in my book), and I don't fit with the divorced 40 and 50 year olds who have kids they're raising. I certainly don't fit with the happily married women my age who are watching their children graduate from high school or college and looking forward to having grandchildren. I often feel like I don't fit anywhere.

The few women's conferences I've gone to where I felt wonderfully included have focused on Jesus -- His attributes, how He can meet all our needs, how He is our husband whether we're married or single -- and filled with worship. The only way I've found out of this self-pity hole is to focus on Jesus and His love.

I think it would be very helpful if women's ministries would focus on intense Bible study, memorization and meditation, worship, deepening your intercessory prayer life, understanding your role as a child of God -- all of those are extremely helpful for anyone of any age in any circumstance.

I read almost all the posts. It made me think of the women who are married but husbands do not attend church. Of about 100 people attending, I can easily think of 6 women. There may be more in our congregation. How lonely must they feel? I remember how lonely it was when my husband was unable to attend. At times, I wished that no one saw me, so that they would not ask how Roger was doing. How many lonely people are in church because of many different reasons?

Women's groups can be lonely places no matter what.

Discussionl take a direction often based on the speaker's phase of life. Can you blame her? If she is recently empty-nest, that is where her jokes and references will probably come from.

If you are looking for events with a singles spin you should become the leader or find a single to lead. Then the life experiences will be relatable to you.

This is good to take note of, however. As a Pathway to Purpose group facilitator I noted in the last group that we had one young mom and many older moms (like myself). I wondered how the younger would fit into the conversation. Next time I may "advertise" it for a certain age market, especially after reading what you have said. We all need a peer group.

There is value, however, in learning from those who have gone before. So not sure about all this. For instance as a mom of teens with empty nest approaching, I want to know from the empty nesters that I'll survive.

That group also had a newly divorced mom so I know my references to "husband" didn't apply. It is hard to please everyone.

I am a mid-40's woman who has attended many local, regional and national women's retreats. I have learnt over the years that when I feel isolated while amongst a group, it is a signal that tells me more about ME than about the retreat. If my needs are not being met in my personal life, it is magnified at large events. Maybe because I am looking for the event to give me something that I am desperately missing in my life at that time? Whereas, when I allow my close circle of friends and family to support me emotionally and spiritually, and when I am keeping my eyes on Jesus ... then I am blessed at any event I attend, even if I am not included in the target audience.

Jesus had an 'inner-circle' of friends who supported Him, as well as a close connection with His Father ... and with those things in place, He had no need to look elsewhere to have his needs met. Jesus was constantly marginalised ... and I wonder what the outcome would have been if He had focused on feeling included?!?

His grace is sufficient for me ... and when I forget that, I start to sink.

Wow! I think you hit on something that touched lots of readers!! As Christian women, we need to include others in our conversations, and for those who feel like an outsider, seek a common ground to discuss with the group you choose. Most women over 40 have many life experiences, that while they may not be recent, they have given you added wisdom, and certainly you have something worthwhile to bring to a group.
I am over 50, have experienced the joy of marriage and children, and have also experienced miscarriage, unwanted divorce, a period of being a single working mom, remarried and then widowed. I can't say that I have ever felt like an outsider.
A word of advice: talk to people, ask questions and show an interest in them, rather than expecting them to be interested in you. That will bring you into the group and you will find some common ground--especially Christians--you already have something in common!!

I agree, In reviewing a few of these post I can really relate. It's amazing that we gather together as women with the hopes(I think) of meeting other women, but it doesn't always happen.
Sometimes, respectfully during our women gatherings we are given a lecture and don't have an opportunity for productive feedback or just working together as a team(maybe that sense of family or oneness is missing) sometimes their are no break-out sessions, or small groups where we can relate on a more personal level.
these kinds of sessions(I think) are necessary for encouragement, strenghtening and relating. We feel good when we know that someone understands us, we feel like we are accepted and not alone and maybe more part of the group.
Women need to know that other women care and can relate. I do see this beginning to happen within our Women's Department. It is necessary that women keep meeting together as women, supporting, loving and intentionally caring for one another on a real level. One way to do that is to communicate your needs with the Leadership in a Godly way, and don't forget to pray. Perhaps classes or workshops on friendship building and it's application might be helpful.
Ffind relatable topics related to your needs and ask othe women what their top needs are, and get Wise Godly Older Seasoned Christian Women(Titus 2:3) to address those needs. We really do need each other and we must also realize that we need Jesus the most, as we stay focused on Him, get full of the word, I think we can begin to see what our real needs are.

I agree, In reviewing a few of these post I can really relate. It's amazing that we gather together as women with the hopes(I think) of meeting other women, but it doesn't always happen.
Sometimes, respectfully during our women gatherings we are given a lecture and don't have an opportunity for productive feedback or just working together as a team(maybe that sense of family or oneness is missing) sometimes their are no break-out sessions, or small groups where we can relate on a more personal level.
these kinds of sessions(I think) are necessary for encouragement, strenghtening and relating. We feel good when we know that someone understands us, we feel like we are accepted and not alone and maybe more part of the group.
Women need to know that other women care and can relate. I do see this beginning to happen within our Women's Department. It is necessary that women keep meeting together as women, supporting, loving and intentionally caring for one another on a real level. One way to do that is to communicate your needs with the Leadership in a Godly way, and don't forget to pray. Perhaps classes or workshops on friendship building and it's application might be helpful.
Find relatable topics related to your needs and ask othe women what their top needs are, and get Wise Godly Older Seasoned Christian Women(Titus 2:3) to address those needs. We really do need each other and we must also realize that we need Jesus the most, as we stay focused on Him, get full of the word, I think we can begin to see what our real needs are.

I feel like an outsider of my church, because I'm disabled and I'm married, but childless. I'm the only woman in my church with a physical disability. However, this is NOT my churches fault. I have a wonderful church that just doesn't recognize my needs. I can only blame myself for that as I've not said anything.

As with many others, this stirs emotions for me.. Seriously!! I have recently joined a church and love it. That said, I do steer away from many of the women's groups for the more generic ones working with new Christians, etc. For most of the same reasons mentioned. I would be more likely to take a week morning off work for golf lessons then to attend one of the women's groups. Sorry girls!! Most of the volunteer work I do is through my community or employer rather than my church. I feel like my single female contributions are valued there and occasionally I am still able to witness, but even when I can't, I can always set an example. I believe that we are obligated to do the work of the Lord where ever we can. However, in order to further the kingdom of God we need support too. There seems to be enough of us now, maybe it's time we spoke up in our own churches!

Wow! This issue really hit home. I was widowed at 39 after 10 years of marriage. My husband and I did not have children. I'm now 43 and still have not successfully found my fit in or out of the church. I moved so my circle of girlfriends is spread out and making new women friends has been hard. I have found that most women befriend other moms and are leery of befriending "single" women. I adore children and like having all kinds of friends but sadly these women do not share my view. I end up "hanging" with the women over 60 who are also widowed. Don't get me wrong I love these women too but it would be nice to feel welcomed by the women at large. Knowing now that so many other women share this feeling of isolation, I will make a greater effort to make women's groups aware of everyone's needs (including mine!) and do my part to create an inclusive environment. Thank you for sharing this issue!

I can relate as well! I remember attending a womens event with some ladies from my church, and one of the young moms was there with some family heirloom catalog and they were all talking about it. She asked me "Do you have kids?" no, "Are you married?" no, "Do you have a boyfriend?" no, "Oh..." and then she seemed uncomfortable like she didn't know what to say.

I tried to get to know the young mom's at my church since pretty much all the women my age were in that category but never felt like I fit in with them - when I did open up and share about my struggles at one point people weren't sure how to react.

I can thank God though, I ended up in a small group with a 27 year old single, a woman in her late 40s who was divorced, a 70 year old widow and a woman who was married to an unbeliever, and we were really able to support each other and develop really strong friendships despite the fact that we were in different life stages. I've moved 3 hours away and they still call to see how I'm doing. :)

I don't know what the solution is, it's totally natural for women to want to talk about their kids when they get together, and sometimes it seems there are parallels between being single and having leprosy ha ha ha.

Reading the article and the responses has been very enlightening. I think the comments will make all of us more aware of the needs of others who are not in the particular season we find ourselves in. I have felt the outsider feelings as well. Up until 4 years ago, I was a stay at home mom in a long term marriage with living parents and am now a divorced 40 something working mom of teens and no parents. During this process, I found a church where the pastor is a child of divorce who has a heart for and is sensitive to the needs of people in all walks of life. His sermons recognize these differences, and the ministries of the church are set up to address people in different stages of life. Also, participating in ministries where status is irrelevant to what I'm doing is so fulfilling. Serving others has been a transforming experience. More importantly, however, experiencing the Lord as my best friend has healed me and filled the hole in me of feeling like an outsider. What I have looked to others to fulfill, I have found in seeking the Lord as my best friend and allowing Him to direct my choices and experiences so that I am now content.

This was an interesting article and re-affirmed in my own mind why I have, so far, decided not to attend Women's gatherings.

One reason is that, all too often, conversations and discussions at these meetings tend to shift away from the Lord and studying His Word to nagging and complaining about the women's husbands and children. If I attend a church function, I do not go to have my time wasted by listening to pointless whining and bad-mouthing. There is nothing Christ-like about such attitudes and discussions. If the meeting is advertised as a time to fellowship and study God's Word, then that is what they need to be doing during the meeting.

Another reason I have chosen not to attend Women's meetings is because I often am ignored by the older women. I am 23-year-old single woman, I have college degrees and am continuing to work for a higher degree, and I would love (one day) to have a family of my own. Just because I may appear young or because I am single does not mean I am dumb or stupid. I am tired of participating in conversations where, when I share some fascinating nugget of information, I receive blank stares and then am completely ignored, as if my thoughts are not even worth listening to.

How can Women's programs be more inclusive?

For one thing, if your church is holding weekly or biweekly meetings, it would be a wise idea to ask the regular attendees for suggestions on topics that can be discussed at future meetings. Perhaps you can alternative who leads out in the meetings so that a married woman might lead out one week, a single woman the next, a single-parent the next, etc. so everyone can learn more about the women who are attending the meetings with them.

Also, one can never go wrong with Bible studies that cover the Prophecies of Daniel and Revelation. Too many church events are advertised as "studying God's Word" but during the actually event, hardly anyone opens a Bible and the conversations drift away from studying and sharing God's word. That truly irritates me. After all, the Scriptures praise those who study the Word. (Acts 17:11)

One more suggestion... If someone in your meeting asks a question, no matter how simple or stupid it may seem to you, never respond with: "You do not know that?!" Too many times I have seen this happen: a woman with a sincere question finally gathers her courage to ask it only to be rudely shot down by her peers and her question left unanswered. I can garuantee that she will never ask another question again... if she even comes back! Always, always be considerate of those around you. Think before you open your mouth. Remember our Lord's words: "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself." (Matthew 22:39)

I have often thought that church is the loneliest place in the world! I wish there was some way to get past that horrible feeling after the Sunday morning service as the families and couples are making their lunch plans together without including a single man or woman. Many times those plans were made in my presence, by people who love me, and I was still left to walk to my car alone, desperately trying to ignore the ache in my heart for companionship. Some weeks it is easier just to stay home than to navigate the "family-friendly" world of church.

And, yes, I have attended my very last woman's event catered to moms and wives. There are so many topics to teach from the scriptures that I can't imagine why leaders always limit their focus to parenting, or coping with your teenager, or making your man happy. Not to mention there are many topics about womanhood that have nothing to do with the roles we play or don't play at home. As I left, I promised myself I would never go back.

I have concluded that church pastors and women ministry leaders (often married mothers) simply don't know what to do with us, so they ignore us. I truly believe we are not a topic of discussion when next year's Ministry Plan is being developed.

In spite of the heartache I experience at church, I guess I must agree with Peter when he said (re: leaving Jesus) "To whom shall we go?" Leaving my church isn't an option, for we are His Body, His Church, and I need to be taught the Word, and I need to have a place to minister. If the problem is so widespread, where else could I go?

Thank you, Camerin, for giving us a voice. Perhaps some pastors will stumble on this page and realize there are thousands of people that they are failing to serve. (Or maybe you could just e-mail it to all the church websites....)

Well, I suppose I'll break all the rules here by saying I AM a married mom with 3 young kids, yet I STILL don't feel like I fit in. I had to laugh, though only because it's so perfectly descriptive, at the post that mentioned the phony "I have to be a good Christian" greetings or icy "hugs," but then NOTHING after that. It's as though these women have "done their duty," and now we're on our own!

I also agree with My4Girls that women's ministries ARE hard, but it would seem to me that if the regulars at these functions could just look past THEMSELVES and their own tight-knit circles, they might see that their are others who are not seated in a group, not chatting with anyone else, not married, not mothers, etc., etc. I don't mean to sound harsh, but to me it's a matter of selfishness. No wonder people who need it MOST don't want to attend church! In fact, I'll go even farther--when my husband left me & I was alone & devastated, was it the church I'd attended since childhood who came to my rescue, kept me company, invited me along for dinner, get-togethers, just to "hang out??" NO, it was my "heathen" ;) friends from work. That's a sad, sad commentary -- it lends credibility to that "Cheers" song about wanting to go where somebody knows your name & is glad you came -- and it's a BAR! I've had plenty of practice not fitting in, trust me, ranging from being overweight as a child, married & childless, separated & nearly divorced, etc., etc. I've made plenty of attempts to smile, chat, look nice, etc., but I've repeatedly found that it seems the insecurities of many at these functions keep them from venturing outside of their own little clique. I have to say I have my doubts when they profess that oft-used assurance that they'll "pray for me," yet these same women can't even manage to ACKNOWLEDGE me two weeks later! I think we must make God sad when we treat others this way, and the whole experience makes me sensitive to others who may be in that position whenever I see them. Ladies, let's keep THIS order in mind while supposedly conducting "OUTreach" ministries: 1) God, 2) OTHERS, 3) Me!!

here is what it all comes down to (this problem of the lack of inclusion in the community of Christian women in America): everyone wants to be comfy cozy. That means sticking to the familiar, the usual. No one by nature *wants* to venture into the unknown (wifehood if you are single), or the previously known and unwanted (singleness, for a married person, I imagine). It is human nature to want to be around people who are like you, who think and act and talk and look just like you, because you are most comfortable with yourself. *BUT God has NOT called us to be COMFORTABLE.* We have a calling to venture into the unknown, trusting that He will lead us through, and that His Light and His Love will shine from us, through the darkness, when we follow Him. Christ Jesus ventured into the unknown for us. Let us do the same for each other as well as for our own hearts.

I hear the heartcries of the women who responded to this article. Yet, there have always been insiders and outsiders; it is part of the human condition. Beneath the laments of feeling isolated, lonely, etc., I think is the larger issue of each woman needing to feel she is loved by God and has gifts and graces that need to be used and affirmed. But the focus needs to be off of your own needs and on the needs of the church, community, etc. I am a widow, I am black, I am an ordained minister of the Gospel. Therefore, I am an outsider on several aspects of women's ministries.
Yet, my call from God and my living out that call is not to fulfill my needs. It is not about me! Yet, in living out my call, I can address some of the universal needs of men and women, no matter whether or not we are married with children, married without children, single mothers, single without children, etc. Jesus ministered to the whole person, exaclty where he or she was and he tore down walls of separation based on gender, class, ethnicity, etc. The truth is, there needs to be more women leaders in the church who can model the different demographics of women, and who have a sensitivity for everyone in the Body of Christ, and particularly, sensitive to women. Remember, if you delight yourself in the Lord, He willl give you the desires of your heart. Step out on faith, step out of our comfort zone, and pray for opportunities to use your gifts and graces for God's glory.

I agree with what a woman previously said: I AM married and have children, and STILL feel excluded at times. I want something beyond being a mom and a wife - I'm those things every day! I have an identity that is only mine, and how I wish our women's ministry events would minister to those parts of me!!! For this too, I have withdrawn somewhat from our women's events.

Our church has two middle-aged single mothers with elementary school-age kids. I am one of the mothers. We always hear about parties and whatnot, but are never invited, yet we both hold leadership positions in the church, and many expect that we'll be there (the parties).

The pastors have told each of us to go to a singles group that is a 45 mile drive from our town. There are other singles groups much closer to home, but this one's in one of the richest areas of the state. Our denomination is notorious for expecting "only the best." So, we suspect that this is their way of letting us know they'll include us when we find a rich guys and remarry.

I can relate as well. Even though I am married and have 2 young children (3&6), I am also 47 years old. Most people don't believe I am this age, but I am. I can't relate to the newly married young moms~ I have been married for 15 years. It's very hard to find a group that I fit in, most of the women I meet my age have grown children and maybe are even grandmothers. Thanks for the column~just glad to know I am not alone.

I just turned 36 and never married. I do go to a family-oriented church. For the longest time I felt very alone at church, but God renew my mind. Instead of feeling bad about my singlesness, he has called me to be a blessing to the married ones. I can babysit their kids for a few hours so that they can have sometime off for themselves. I can offer my place for the couple fellowship to meet. I am currently serving as a church librarian and a worship team member and I hope to be a wedding coordinator someday. As for my spiritual needs as a single, I know I cannot obtain it from my church so I am looking forward to attending the Singles Chrisitan Conference this year. God has called us to be servants to others, and in serving we will find joy.

After reading all the comments I don't feel so odd anymore ... when I was married without kids, we managed to fit into church activities and pitch-in. But when my marriage unraveled, the advice from the pastor was "hurry up and sin and get on with your life" ...??? I was trying to save my marriage and help a very depressed husband that I loved dearly, now I was a pariah. I tried other churches but learned that a "separated" woman was definitely not a welcomed soul. I had to learn to keep my "status" to myself and be vague, when what I wanted was a place to share honestly. Now that I'm divorced I don't know where to begin and struggle with the pain of trying again.

I ran across an interesting problem in several women's groups I tried during that time and it was predominantly a generational one. The older women didn't feel respected by the younger ones, and the yournger ones thought the older ones were out of touch. In all cases, I felt a keen kinship with both and very hurt by what seemed like never ending feuds. I was losing my mom to dementia and really loved the comfort of the older women, and appreciated their warmth. The younger women were also very interesting and of diverse professions and/or mom's and quite a bit of fun. But because I enjoyed both groups and supported doing some things "together" and wouldn't "take sides" ... I didn't fit in ... but my emotional needs and abilities to minister were in both camps. I think the "push me pull you" effect between the generations is a big problem in many churches.

I am so sorry your feelings got hurt Camerin. I am very blessed to be a part of a church which has a large majority of single women. The only time I felt isolated was when I attended a holiday party solo sponsored by the single's ministry, and maybe I was silly for thinking this, but I did not think the majority of the singles would have dates or friends there to accompany them. And to top things off I was at a table with a bunch of couples, most of them married. Needless to say I left early. I just try not to put myself in situations where I am made to feel like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole.

I can certainly identify with everyone who posted, it's good to feel that you're not alone in this world. But the church hasn't been an option for me, I don't want to feel invisible like that. It's hurtful to walk in and be told that after you sit in the back of the church, you've taken someone's seat.? I've never been back to any church after that remark. After my marriage fell apart because of infidelity, this invisibility even goes down into the family and not just the church family. My oldest son and his wife haven't spoken to me in almost three years. The aloneness is what so hurtful. I am my mothers caretaker, and she just doesn't understand that sometimes I just don't have the time. I have chores, errands and my work hours have changed yet again. But I'm so thankful I have a job. Yes, the Lord and I talk everyday, but it isn't in a church atmosphere.

I am co-Director of our Women's Ministries at our church. I agree with so many of these comments! As a 'woman with an unsaved husband' I fall into
another 'outsider' category. And I have experienced the sting of rejection for this as well as the 'I cannot relate to this topic' feeling. Perhaps it is one reason I am involved in WM's - to change things.
Perhaps this is the reason my co-Director and I have purposely tried to encompass all types of women in our women's ministries program by offering a variety of activities/Bible studies/groups, etc. that speak to the hearts of all women, not just a specific demographic. In all that we do, we examine our activities to see if they are exclusive and flat out discard anything that will make anyone feel umwelcome or like an 'outsider.'
We do offer some 'category' related groups/studies, such as "Moms With Small Children" or 'The Heat is On' (menopause). However, most of our large group programming functions are designed to relate to issues all women face. We focus on encouraging women and trying to offer activities that will meet the needs of many diverse types of women, of all ages.
Our ministry is called Inner Beauty and we have planning teams that consist of women of different ages and demographics. These sisters offer insight as to what will appeal to and meet the needs of most women, no matter what specific situations they might be in. As a ministry leader, I appreciate their honest input when we plan the events that make up our yearly calendar. We feel it is crucial to provide opportunities for women to get to know Christ and to grow and mature spiritually. We try to choose topics that will encourage women in their walk with Christ, so they can apply sound Biblical practices to life in the real world, regardless of their social status, ethnic background or age. This is accomplished through the use of various media, whether it is a social event or a spiritual one. Women who are new to the church often comment that they feel accepted and cared for at our events.
A very important aspect of our ministry is evaluation. When we review comments and suggestions, we take those to heart and try to improve. After all, what good is all the planning, preparing and execution of programs and groups if the needs of the women are not being met? Our prayer is for Jesus to show us what the women need and follow HIS plans for the ministry, not our own. We are not all things to all women, but we strive to hit the mark as close as we can!

Thank you for writing so honestly about your experiences to which I can truly relate. I praise God for you! I think Barbara's post has some great questions for us to think about. We really do need to actively look out for each other!

Camerin, your article was very honest and heartfelt. Even though I fit in the demographic of married woman with children, as I've gotten older and there are increasing demands on my time and energy, I find myself avoiding womens events and conferences. Why? Because they so often seem frivolous and not worth the time they require away from my family and other interests. My take on modern day women's groups is that they have become either too focused on women's problems and less focused on Bible study and doing good works (ie.missions). Since our problems will always be different from each other, focusing on them will always be divisive. But focusing on a goal of studying or ministering to others unites us all, helping us forget our individual problems and burdens and instead focuses us on God and serving. In this way, women in very different stages of life can learn to enjoy each others company and become true sisters in Christ.

Yes, I agree. Our daughter is 39 and single. Churches just over look single women that don't fit in with college & career,young marrieds. You just don't belong.

Now I'm starting to feel left out as a woman in her late 50's married with no children at home and no grandchildren. I guess there will always be a gap.

Why do christian women feel something like the Purple Hat Society is wrong? Why do we thing you can't or shouldn't belong to something that doesn't have a bible study every time you meet? It's ok to have fun outside of christian activties - it doesn't mean you aren't a christian.

I think we need to re-think our Womens Ministries because it isn't meeting the needs of all the women. It becomes a private club.

It is not just single women who feel left out at women's ministry programs. I am married with two teenage sons, but I still feel invisible at women's ministry events and retreats. I am an introvert, and find it extremely difficult to join in conversations. Christian women can be just as 'exclusive' as non-Christians. It is difficult to attend an event when you don't know the other women well. I work full-time, and would love to get to know the others better and be included, but the other women seem closer to each other because they are stay-at-home moms who are able to get together frequently and get to know each other. It is not easy to join into their conversations, and I don't find the other women very welcoming. It seems like working moms are looked down upon, like we aren't caring for our families as well as we should, when the reality is I have to work to help support our family. I think we all need to strive to be inclusive and look for the women who are feeling left out. After all, isn't that what being a Christian is all about?

our church has struggled to address this and we are still trying. We have a weeknight "dessert and seminar" a couple of times a year plus a womens conference. This year we have had seminars like extended families, being single, depression in women, the feminist gospel etc. It is important to let the bible do the talking and set the topics as well as looking at where people are at. Titus is very clear about older women teaching younger women and that it INCLUDES teaching them to obey their husbands and love their husband and children. Obediently this teaching must happen, and does in my church. However as a mum of three young boys, I feel our womens events don't try to box me into a category other than a saved child of God.

ironically, when turned to one of the links recommended that were different than the groups experienced, there was also an ad for Christian Women's magazine, with a young woman and child on the cover.

I am a Pastor's wife with two young children and I thank you for this Article. I had the same struggles as I'm not a stay at home Pastor's wife I also have a career and co Pastor our church amongst many other things. I too had to struggle a lot with being a modern day Pastor's wife. But that is focusing on me I would like to thank you for being honest and sharing what is reality to a lot of women who attend churches today. It is a reminder to me to remember and to create an all encompassing program to include all women of all ages and all walks of life! You could well be the gals to help out the leaders to create programs to suite your very need or lead in these programs and events!! God bless you all!

May I suggest that you vocalize to your WM team or WM director what time works best for you for Bible studies, events? I would hope they would be responsive to your needs. Directing WM for 6 yrs. was the most rewarding and most frustrating ministry I have ever been involved in. My frustration came from my desire to truly minister to ALL women in my church. That is a tall order! Another suggestion: please pray for your WM leadership on a regular basis...and tell them you are.

I just read your article and could've written it myself! I had the exact same experience this year at a ladies conference and was so discouraged afterwards. I even vowed never to attend ladies conferences again! But, I'm encouraged to know that I'm not alone. Thanks to all for their comments.

I can identify with you my sister.I used to feel discrimiated against in women's ministry as a single woman minister. But to my surprise things have taken a different turn since I changed location. I have even been invited twice since then to preach on Mother's Day (I don't have any children and have never been married)! I think it depends on the spiritual maturity and sensitivity of those who plan women's ministry programmes. Let's keep praying that such people have a deeper understanding of the role of women in general in the ministry.

Way to go, Nora! I applaud you for your posting. And I so appreciate Camerin's openness. I've found much of the same as a single again woman in my mid thirties with no kids, I have felt it hard to fit in. But once the Lord helped me through my issues, I found there are so many in similar situations. I now have a group of single/single again folks that meet for Bible study and events.

Just like Nora pointed out, just because you don't fit in with what appears to be everyone else, don't let it keep you from the Christian fellowship you need. Start your own if you need to!

And it really helps to realize you can still get something out of the other women's events, we all have something we can learn from one another instead of expecting everything to minister to us all the time.

Even women who are married and have children, etc can feel invisible in their church. I know that's the case for me. I have never been comfortable going to women's functions, too touchy-feely for me, and cliqueish. I am now the mother of grown children and feel as if I have missed out on friendship and encouragement and will never "break into" a group of women to find it.

oh, how i identify with the women lamenting that most ministry activities take place during the workday!! as a young newlywed in my final year of college, i have a hard time not laughing when the middle-aged at-home wives at church ask me why i don't come to the wednesday morning Bible study. i miss my church back home, for they "got" it - they understood working-class folks, students, etc., and scheduled accordingly. i can't think of a single daytime ministry activity there aside from sunday morning service.

I can relate. I am a 39 year old divorced mother of two. I have been divorced longer than I was married. When I attend women's retreats and functions, I feel like I am the sinful, out of place sister. Either it is the divorce issue that gets harped upon ( like i really got married just to get divorced), or the fact that I had one of my children out of wedlock(boy, some make you feel like God shouldn't really even talk to you anymore), or the fact that some conferences make you feel that you should not be single, and convict you on that subject. I am proud to say that the women's ministry in my church gears their programs to ALL women, and even pulls in the young girls to our ministry. All are welcome, and is tailored to ALL the women. All give imput. We also have Special Events for each: unmarried, married with children, married with no children,etc. It is also annonced before hand. We all attend anyway so we can provide love and support for each other. It is hard work, but we do it, and I am glad for it.

As soon as I read the beginning of this blog in the Today's Christian Woman Edition, I hit the link to go straight to the article. I am the square peg also and have been what seems like all my life. I thought I was unique until my mom (who is a precious woman of God) stated some of her feelings to me and I knew I wasn't alone. Women's conferences almost always include pastor's wives, preacher's wives, or other nationally known women. It seems as though they are the only ones who ever get invited to speak at these things. I would sit in the audience, being a divorced twice by the age of 40 with teenagers person and think, that's all well and good for you to say and then you go back to your happy ever after home with your preacher husband who loves you...what do you have to say to ME? Actually, I wanted to jump out of my seat and run up there to the podium and say, "I know I'm not the only one here who feels this way", and start MINISTERING to the masses who were crying inside just like me! But I would just go home feeling more empty than before. Evidentually, I also quit going to these things. I would volunteer to my pastor to do support groups or single get togethers, or other such groups that included all women and get the "look" and speech. I tried it once or twice and the small group minister GAVE ME THE MATERIAL TO USE! He was happily married, with kids and him and his wife have a wonderful ministry all of their own but have no idea what it's like to be me! Why did he have to give me material for a group that he knew nothing about? I had a few takers but because they got criticized they even quit coming. Another time I started a Sunday School class that was more like a support group, and I felt as though I ministered to some, then the wife of the leader had the audacity to tell me what I should and should not be doing in the class. She said I should be sure to include scripture and she had no idea that everything I said was based in LOTS of SCRIPTURE. Later, It got down to me and another lady, but we eventually created our own friendship and "support group". All of the group functions at church were called "FAMILY". I felt like a sore thumb. However, this story doesn't end here. Ladies, there IS hope! Keep praying, keep asking God to teach you what He wants you to learn through these disheartening circumstances because it may be that He is trying to teach you how NOT to be and how NOT to act when He places you in the place of ministry right where He has designed for you to be. It may be to one or two or it may be to the masses. He may be molding you and forming you to be a vessel meet for His use! I am now remarried (which I vowed I would never be unless God brought him and dropped him at my doorstep) That's about what happened. After two years, we started a church of our own, as my husband had suffered many things similar to mine on his own male side of things. We knew all the things we didn't want to do and wouldn't do. We knew how NOT to minister and how NOT to be. Of course we don't have it all together either, God is still teaching us... but I have started a ladies ministry and I have said that it will be in operation even if I'm the only one there...and it will include every woman no matter what age, no matter what circumstances in life, no matter what background because we need one another. A few meetings (that started at the beginning of this year) have had 4-6 people in attendance, including myself, but they are starting to get the idea that no matter what your preferences are, no matter what your idea of entertainment or hobbies are, no matter what your status in life, working or non working (I've been in it all I think!) we have something in common. We are WOMEN. And we can minister to one another because of that single common bond. We need one another. I never dreamed I would be in this position!!! God has turned my mourning into dancing and I just pray that I can be exactly what He has called me to be. I have had a few times where I had to "rebuke" the women who felt that should be in control or who are the spiritual giants to keep it where I felt God wanted it to be, but I did it in love and with (hopefully) Godly wisdom. Most have accepted it and grown from it, one has not and has continued to reject it, but that's ok, because God is the one who is in charge and I refuse to believe that He will not complete what He started in me. Sometimes I still struggle with the big even situations, but I know God is showing me and teaching me and whatever it is He asks of me I WILL pass on to others in spite of the loud opinions and harsh words from others. Jesus was criticized for His ministry, I can take it when I am criticized and will keep going on because I have to please HIM.

It does not just happen in women's groups, picture having to endure the torture of 4 weeks of extreme marital counselling including overt discussions of sex in marriage, frequency and all other aspects of marriage related issues...during the Sunday services: I am a single mother of a 15 year old and I was accompanied by my 60+ mother who has just undergone an extremely painful divorce after almost 40 years of marriage. In the audience was a well-known church member who had just lost her husband less than a month back.... I was so tempted not to attend church but did not know where else to go because we live in a foreign non-English speaking city with few choices of churches to attend. I think people including church ministers, have become insensitive to the needs of their flock.

One suggestion that works for our church is that our Pastor has taught hermeneutics to our women (and of course, men) leaders, and then the leaders have passed on this teaching to all the others. Hence, we have every season of life represented in our monthly hermeneutics' studies, which are focused on books of the Bible - one book at a time. No matter what your season of life, there is application to be found. Then, when we gather at our yearly women's retreat, our topic focuses on some facet of who God is and our relationship with Him. At the start of each year, our women's leader chooses a topic for all of our other monthly Bible studies - this year it is the Armor of God (last year it was prayer). Who doesn't need to focus on that?? The infallible Word of God is what unites Christians in every season of life. When we try to address one particular group, surely many will be left out; whereas when we draw our hearts together under the active and living Word, we all can relate, and draw closer together! Let's go back to the Word of God and find our unity there.

I married late (36) and my husband and I couldn't have children. So I relate to Camerin's experience. But I think the problem with most women's conventions is that they're trying to address OUR "needs," (and likes/dislikes/situations) instead of simply proclaiming the Word of GOD -- the two-edged sword that speaks to all of us in all circumstances.
I'm not a Catholic, but I'm going to suggest that anybody who has cable TV look for EWTN's ongoing broadcasts of talks by Father Corapi as an example of how one can do this effectively in a non-church setting. His numerous, powerful talks are recorded live, to male/female audiences. They're exhilarating, as being confronted by the Word of God always is (ignoring on the occasions when he delves into particular elements of Catholic teaching that non-Catholics may rightly disagree with).

I guess I wouldn't attend a Christian women's convention first of all to socialize or for the "fellowship" or to hear talks about what somebody assumes I'm interested in. I want new biblical insights. A profound understanding of God as he reveals himself in the Bible, after all, is what we are, or should be, basing our daily Christian lives on.

Socially, I prefer male-female groups to just women's groups, in almost all cases and in almost all areas of life. I hate to admit that, in my experience, the chances become much greater in male-female groups for wider-reaching, fascinating conversation about things I'm actually interested in. Thankfully, when the need arises, I have a sister and a couple of close women friends I can talk to about stuff most men might not be interested in.

I appreciate hearing from the many women that posted comments about their identity and lack of connection to some group in the church. I really didn't realize how they felt in being left out of the church and not being addressed to their needs. I have been an elder and am an educational counselor in a para ministry that addresses singles, married and divorced called marriageinsight.com which does focus on dating, engaged, and married. But I am also starting classes for singles and divorce people. Again I know from what I hear that it doesn't include all those that responded. I do think that sometimes we can not cater to every subgroup from that identification but I would think we should be able to relate somewhat closer in a broader areas such as prayer, sickness, loneliness, or God's niche for my life. I do thank you for exposing this issue. I always thought that women seemed to have something in common with one another. But since I now realize how important it is to have a friend or a goup of friends that can relate to issues similar to theirs that can fill a void in their life. I think your blog was a good medium for understanding for the rest of us that may have our heads in the sand. Sad to say. Larry

I am a twenty-something married woman without children, and I also regularly feel like an outsider at these events. Reading over the comments, it seems like many women of all ages, married or unmarried, with or without children, feel similarly. I wonder if this is because we are all comparing our knowledge of who we are to the seemingly perfect images that others portray. I think many of us who secretly feel like we don't fit in might look to other people like we're part of the inner circle. We need to be willing to be more vulnerable with each other and admit our limitations and weaknesses to other women, instead of trying at these women's events to look like we fit the image of the perfect Christian woman.

I have been in this position, although I'm not now. As a women's ministry leader, I'm very sensitive to this. God laid it on my heart last year to begin to reach out to single women, whether never married, divorced, or widowed. So much is done for women with children, but the childless woman is often ignored. Through the "Naomi Project", we try to address some of those issues. Through the ministry I lead, we also have 2 different groups that meet for a ladies' night out each month. No children are allowed. This gives all women the opportunity to participate. Men in the church babysit. I believe that fellowship and friendships among all women has to be a priority.

Girls, Girls, Girls, My heart is breaking reading all these posts. I feel so much pain, but I think it's a good thing that we have this place to be real!! Praise God and thank you for this opportunity.

I challenge all of you to love each other like Jesus loves us... right where we're at. Right here, right now, the good the bad and the ugly.
He doesn't wait until we are perfectly obedient, He doesn't wait for us to be perfectly anything, just to be... in Him. He says he forgives our sin and our shame... Did you hear me? He forgives our SHAME. So do not be ashamed of who your are, be real. God will mold you in his time, not in your time and not in the timeframes of others. Celebrate who you are! Jesus does!! Blessings to all!

Thank God for square pegs! I felt invisible pre-husband, married without children then married with children! Finally I realised that who I am in God is what matters, became secure in that and am now actively involved in loving and caring for other square pegs. It's not that we just don't fit, it's just that God has a different way for us to fit. I've read a lot of pain in and between the lines of peoples comments & I just want to say that there are those of us out there who love you regardless of age, demographic, ethnicity etc. We don't care if you're divorced, widowed, single, married. We just love you cause you're you. Hope we all find each other some time soon.
Rachel.

It's not just single women who feel this way, I know professional women with hubby and kids who get fed up with the implication that life is all about family duties. they love and serve their families but their lives go beyond that as well. let's just say that Christian women have too long accepted the restricted role in which they've been placed and it's getting almost pathetic.

You really touched a nerve with me. I am married but have no children. I love the women at my church but I feel consistantly left out and have struggled alot with the idea that I have to be a mom to be a good Christian. Add to that the fact that I am not standard female matterial. I don't like make-up, pink, or frilly things. I like airplanes and fishing and bugs :) I can cook well enough to get by but I'm no Martha Stewart. No one has every said out loud that I should be anything other than who God made me but I have certainly felt the undercurrent that emphasises certain roles. We aren't trying to have kids but we arent preventing it either yet I feel if I dont have a child I am somehow lacking as a Christian. I understand how important the family is but there are other members of the body fulfilling other roles that could use some encoragement and support as well.

Wow! I did not think this was so big of an issue. I thought it was just me. My husband is not a christian and I fell just as isolated. I quit going to thde ladies ministry meeting. I don't know if it is being done on purpose but I know it is not encouraging. This is something that we should be praying about as God has a purpose and a plan for all of us regardless of our status . Thanks Camerin. This is so timely. Nida.

It is heartwarming to see that all of us 'misfits' seem to fit right in here! I will pray for each of us to experience the fellowship God intended for us, irregardless of status or place in life.

I have felt 'isolated' for the past three years. As a single woman in her twenties working on my 3rd degree, the last time I felt 'at home' in a church was in a college town where most of the people my age were also single and in school. Since then, I have found it very interesting trying to find a place that fits me. Am I supposed to wait to be married, or seek to be married? I'm fully a woman regardless of my marital status, right? I'm not sure if people know what to make of women who aren't in some form of relationship.

I stopped attending singles conferences years ago because they only seemed to be geared towards tons of women praying for their husbands (with not as many male prospects around). They always made me feel kind of down, like I wasn't 'enough' yet. I do want these things, but they seem to overwhelm me at times and take me away from fully appreciating my current season. Instead of being s