I think there is always the potential for a group to become more lopsided towards a particular demographic. Sometimes this is a natural occurance due to time , place , and setting of the group meetings but also in response to the everchanging needs of the community ( biblical and/or secular ). I agree with the author that it is especially discouraging to find out you don't fit in within a church group setting whether an oversight or just a season of life that is not yours it can be really devastating to feel "invisible".

The women's Bible study at our church has tried to keep tabs on the growing diversity of needs in our midst. The hardest part is that the needs are almost
always known but the particular leaders
and staff helpers are not always plentiful for those areas and we see constant changes from year to year due to those hard to fill gaps .

More than ever we as women need to seek out what our unique gifts in ministry are and where God may be leading us to
help others. When we step out of our comfort zones we can find new ways to be of service to HIM and also find new fulfillment for ourselves as well !

Where do women fit in the body of Christ, we all make up the body of Christ with our spiritual gifts God has bestowed on each of us, we are each unique and different, bringing in our gifts. But some churches are so big and orderly they have their set group of people, so where does the rest of us fit in, we want to be apart and use our gifts, were tired of sitting on the pew being invisible. I want to live for Christ Jesus, not be a bystander in the audience, I want to be apart of the body of Christ, not a body count. Women we are apart of the Body of Christ, not a bystander condtioned. Pray that the Lord can show you ,your place in His Body, Christ has not left you out, He has a place for you to fit in. In Jesus Amen

I can SO relate to this isolation, as I am single and celebate, divorced, and my only child was murdered 6 yrs ago. so i dont fall easily into any one 'category' and so I understand how one can be lonely in the midst of a crowd of people! That in itself almost adds to the sense of being 'different' -- that you are in a group of other women, yet you feel very much alone. I'm sorry this happened to you, but I believe that we can learn from every experience, regardless of how painful a lesson it might be. GB!

I can't speak to how minority, divorced, and widowed women feel in church circles, but I do know what it is like to be a thirtysomething never-married single. I find that the results of married church teachers' trying to be "inclusive" with regard to single women are usually disastrous. A Bible study lecturer once told my group, "Marriage is a gift, and celibacy is a gift." Putting the issue of what I believe to be false teaching and incorrect interpretation aside, the teacher was able to say this with a completely straight face because she had been married for 30 years and had 3 children. She also pointed to Lydia in the Book of Revelation and asked whether her example of hospitality made single women feel better about their status. As for me, it did not! (And I personally didn't feel enough information was given about Lydia to use her as such an example.) Being single does not automatically give me more time to serve; in fact, it presents time constraints that are often easier for married couples to navigate because they can turn to each other for help (e.g., the upkeep of a home and finances and errand-running).

I agree that churches and parachurch organizations should acknowledge the changing demographics, but this needs to be done in a thoughtful and empathetic manner and those in the church far too often fall short of this standard.

Many of these events leave people like us feeling that if you aren't washing your husbands sock, running your kids to soccer practice in your SUV, cooking a well-balanced meal, & gracefully climbing the corporate ladder you have failed as a woman in Christ; or maybe it is just me. It would be nice to have these events focus more on where we can serve the Lord in every area of our lives. While a majority of Christian women are married with children it is also important to reach out to our growing population of women just as hungry and able to serve the Lord, if not more so. Singles, men & women, already feel alienated & frustrated enough to not have it brought to their attention every thirty seconds how they have "failed."

Another thing, somewhat related, that irkes me is the placement of singles in the ministry. I recently read about a pastor who was having a very difficult time finding a job due to the fact he was recently widowed. Before he never had a problem but all the churches he had applied to had either told him they did not want a single pastor or offered him a part-time position as a singles ministor. I have also been told it is very difficult for a single woman to find a job in foreign missions. I know this is partly for safety reasons but since when has mission work ever been the safest career choice. It frustrates me because the Bible does say that it is better to be single so you can more easily dedicate you life to the Lord rather having to put much of your time & energy into the family.

It is always nice to hear that I'm not alone & others also feel "pushed to the side" at times.

Thanks for openly sharing your experiences, Camerin. I had a similar experience with false advertising for an event, where it was because of my young child that I was barred minutes before the event. Definitely the burden for inclusiveness and true advertising should be considered carefully by leadership. But most importantly, each of us need to practice a life of inclusiveness with friends who have a different life than us. This is something I am still working on. I was at an informal ladies' dessert last night, and it troubled me how much of the conversation was devoted to children. One of the newest people there, who I invited so she could meet some church ladies, is single without children. I think one of the simplest things each of us can to is to guard our tongues and honour others above ourselves. It's natural to talk about things that dominate our lives, but if we insist on prattling on about things that isolate others, it shows a deep level of selfishness. The real question is, can I put aside my own agenda of the things I want to talk about so that a new friend can talk about things that matter to her?

I agree with the author. This is exactly how I feel sometimes. I am married (have been for 6 1/2 years) and we just started the baby journey and most of my friends have kids some are young adolescent and some are brand new. The kicker is most of my friends are about 5 years younger than me. I felt like I would have surpassed them in the baby arena and my friends that are my age are done having their kids. I feel like I missed the boat sometimes. To make me feel okay with it I feel like God has brought these people into my life so I can learn from them know that it will be my turn someday. I just have to be patient and wait on the Lord to work things out according to His plan. In recent days I found that listening to Him, and doing what He wants us to do, that things will fall into place and the weight is lifted off of us. I just want to let the author know that I really appreciate this article because I have felt like maybe I was being selfish in the way that I was feeling but now I know that a need just wasn't being met. I'm in a much better place now and I will wait on the Lord to working things out for His good.

As a woman whose husband walked out leaving her with a 2 year old after 15 years of marriage, I have been on both sides of this issue. Once I left the stay-at-home world of the married mom and entered the working single mom realm, I became invisible. There was no child care offered for the few after work (evening) women's ministry events and no single mom group. When I inquired, I was referred to the singles' ministry which is primarily a social ministry of young 20-30 year olds. The women's ministry needs to do more than offer support and respite for married mothers, it needs to also address the women who are of all ages and phases of their lives. I feel I could learn a lot from older women who are now empty nesters as well as single women with careers, and I feel I also need to help build them up. More inclusion, less isolation!!! :)

I concur with the writer. I fit an even rarer profile-Black, mid 40s, over-educated. I find myself among women of an opposite demographic-white, young, married with a family, usually with no college education. It did not help things when a white male friend from the Midwest told me that women of my ethnicity are not generally considered suitable for marriage, as we tend to reduce the social and professional opportunities offered to prospective white suitors. Pity... for the Black demographic is shrinking as a percentage of the population and it is hard for women like me to stick to my ethnicity when seeking a partner. My white female friends offer patronizing remarks, rather than express outrage at the level of prejudice that condemns vibrant, attractive, loving women to a life of singleness because of the color of our skin. Oh well...that's just the point of view of a foreign born woman. Were I born in this country, I might be more accepting of my state in life...

Instead I took the opportunity to start a singles group for women and men in their 40s.

It's interesting that the body of Christ, who practiced inclusion at every opportunity, has such a hard time with it. It seems that those who are no longer single have forgotten what it's like to feel the isolation. I encourage my single friends to refrain from sitting on their hands waiting for something/someone to happen along and make it all better, and to put themselves out there to find their niche. On the other hand, I also admonish my married friends to pay attention to how they treat singles. We are not less mature, we are not somehow less Christian as singles, although they would believe that. This attutude discounts--minimizes even--the lives and ministries of both Christ and Paul. By making singles less Christian, we tell them, in effect, "You simply don't count in the Kingdom--there's nothing for you to do, because we're better equipped to cover it all." Pigeon-holing someone as a Christian just because they do not share our demographic is the same as walking on thin ice come judgment day. I would hate to stand before God and be asked, "Why did you quench the spirit of My child, who was not married?"

I am a single again woman of 50 with one 22 year old son. I have been single again for 9 years so I can relate to both categories. It is easy to feel left out at times but we have to remember God made us all different so we will not be in the same place as everyone else. We get in trouble when we start comparing ourselves to other people. We can't do that. We are unique people living unique lives. We should embrace our brothers and sisters in Christ as a family unit....not separate ourselves into groups. It takes all kinds of people to make up a family. We are all valuable. We should not be complaining like the world does. God has set us apart from the world to be thankful, caring, loving, tolerate people. So what they concentrated on families at your get-away. You are part of a family. Use that time to enjoy you mother / daughter....don't complain. God had you there for a reason. I wonder if you learned what he wanted you to learn?

Now that you mention it, I realized why I don�t go to women�s events. There�s at least one message out of all that usually speak to single women, and even that most likely is taught by a married woman reiterating that we �wait�. As I read the beginning of this column, I felt we shared the same trip, only mine was on a cruise. I thought it was going to be a vacation of fellowship and bonding, but the women separated themselves by age and �status�. I didn�t even see most of the people until the end of the trip. I thought I was alone in feeling this way. Hopefully by you shedding light on this area, we all will come together and be more considerate of each other�s needs.

Yep, this article was about me- late 30's, never married single, but with the added complication of living in a small Texas town! The only singles (male or female) in the area are college kids home for the summer or 70 something widows & widowers. Having moved here from the Dallas area where my church had a thriving singles community, this is a no man's land for me!

Yes, I can relate. I am a divorced woman in her early 40's with no children. It is frustrating to find a place for myself in churches when so much of it is focused on family and children. I have read articles that bemoan the fact that singles are not serving or attending church but why would I want to serve a church or attend a church that is unable to relate to me and where I am in life and makes assumptions about where I should serve just because I am single? Some churches are better than others but it is difficult to find one. I am not sure what the solution is but I hope articles like this one begin the dialog between the church and older adult single christians so things can get better.

Thank you for sharing your story. I have felt invisible and marginal for my entire life. At times, it frustrates me and at other times I am at peace with who I am in relation to other people. As an African-American woman immersed in a predominantly white church community, I often have to balance the feelings of insider/outsider. What's more, I have a very "granola" or "hippie" approach to parenting and life that many other moms I know at church do not share. It can be difficult to view myself in God's eyes but that is all part of my faith walk. Not by sight, but by faith right?

Wow - I thought it was just me!
The study group I was part of was made up of women of all ages, some married, some divorced, and they all had kids of varying ages. Everyone except me. Single, never married, no kids, the breadwinner of my "family" (me, myself, and I), I always seemed to not quite fit in. How I looked at things was different and my questions were different.

While they were all nice women, and I enjoyed the group, sometimes it was very difficult to listen to them complain about the very things I was praying for - the kids, the husband, the in-laws...

But I also don't fit in the the secular single - I don't hang at bars, pickup guys, drink, party all night . . . My friends that are more the party types are not the Christian type that I really would prefer to be around.

The funny thing is that many of my friends have always come to me in regards to family issues (dealing with the spouse, having a baby, raising said baby, things like that). Somehow they see me as a font of knowledge on these things.

I have felt the same way the author did at the conference. Currently at the church I grew up in there is neither an organized women's ministry nor a singles ministry. I believe there are many reasons for this, but two main reasons are lack of leadership and lack of participation. There is a women's bible study, but it only meets in the mornings, when those who work can't come. But when a bible study was offered in the evening, only one or two people came (out of a church that has regular attendance of about 250-300 people). There was always talk about a singles group, but many of the singles have left to attend other churches or have moved out of the area. And one of my conversations about a singles ministry was with a divorced mom in the church. In that same conversation she tried to set me up with one of the single males at our church! As a 25 year old never married single, my need for a singles group is not to meet potential dates, but to develop friendships (both male and female) and to address issues that apply to me and other like me, not only to those who are married and have kids. One young lady that attended this church specifically asked the man who was in charge of all the small groups if there was any possibility of a singles group or if he could suggest another group where she would "fit in." To which he replyed that she could try the young marrieds group! When I first returned home from college, I tried to get some women's fellowship meetings going once a month or so. The first few were "fun nights", not particularly "Spiritual." There was a decent turnout at these events and everyone seemed to have fun getting to know each other better, but when I planned a mini Silent retreat one evening, the only people that showed up were me and the single gal that had been advised to try the young marrieds group! No one from the church leadership ever even asked me how the evening had gone. I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, but I felt as if, as a young single adult, I was fit to plan "fun" times, but I wasn't quite ready to be trusted with "spiritual" gatherings. I personally have stopped attending this particular church for some of these reasons, and others, but still have not been able to find a good church in the area that does have a singles ministry that is not college-oriented. I have been out of college for over 2 years. I am dealing with much different issues than those who are in college. I am all for desegregating congregations based not only on race, but also age and marital status. But the way to do this is NOT by assuming that one size fits all categories. There does need to be some opportunites for marrieds and singles, old and young to have separate times to gather and learn from each other and the bible.

As a 50-year-old single woman who's never been married or had children, I've often struggled in feeling like I didn't fit in women's groups for some of the same reasons. Like Camerin, I always assumed I'd be a married mom myself one day. Hasn't happened - yet? My current church is trying to reach out more to all women and last year, I served on a committee for a women's retreat. Most of the women were excited about the suggested speaker, but when her topic was announced and had to do with marriage, a married friend glanced at me and immediately said she didn't think that was a good idea. So we actually went with a different speaker. Most of the women in the group were eager to be inclusive and I appreciated their care. Still, some of the fun preparation times - when t-shirts were tie-dyed and beads were strung - was scheduled during a weekday when I and the other singles (and some of the married moms!) were at work. A couple of weeks ago, I received a letter inviting me to become part of the leadership for women's ministry. I had to laugh (ruefully) when I read that the first meeting would be on a weekday morning. The woman who wrote the letter did say, if I couldn't make it at that time, they might be able to switch the meeting time. Now, in all honesty, my evenings and weekends are pretty busy and I don't feel called to be in women's ministry leadership. But it does bother me that the women's ministry at my church has always met on weekday mornings which automatically leaves out the working (single or married) women.

Oh, the emotions this one stirred! I have run the gamut in my life - infuriated at the exclusion & assumptions, and/or isolated & deeply wounded. My background isn't pretty. My childhood left deep scars. As a young adult I added to those by making poor choices. The last thing I needed was the church adding to it! Today, God has healed many wounds graciously, and usually through the church. I'm now 39, never married & my 19 year old has just left home. I still fit in nowhere. Everytime I look into attending women's bible studies they're in the middle of the day. You guessed it, aimed at the young moms. Well, I work full-time. Another of your readers touched on the idea of "more free time" because we're single. Guess who has to mow the lawn, make house repairs (or find someone I can afford) & shovel snow. The small groups are a mixture of couples, most of whom can't fathom my life. The singles groups are either for

Sadly, this is why I have not attended church in nearly 3 years. And oh, yes, I have been very active in churches previously -- I served on church councils in three churches in three different states for nearly 10 years total, sang in adult choir during that time, participated in vacation bible schools, small groups, retreats, synod conventions, etc. But I'm a never married single with no kids in my late forties, and I am tired of feeling so much more lonely, more isolated, more apart after going to a church service than when I came in because I look around me in the pews and there seems to be no one I can identify with and little in the sermons or church program that speaks to my life. Yes, I can understand why churches gear their programs to young families with children, but as Camerin points out, the demographics of our nation are changing and there are a lot of us out there! I don't know what the answer is. I recently moved to a different state and I'm going to give it another try, but frankly, I have little hope that I will find a church where I will feel truly included and belong.

As a Bible study teacher teaching 1 of 2 women's studies at my church, I really appreciate the comments and feedback. I hope that I've tried to include women of all stages of life: single, working, mother, married, divorced, retired, etc. My group tends to be working moms with teenagers, to the exclusion of young married moms or older retired women; while the other group has developed a focus on stay-at-home moms and retirees.

As much as these comments are good for those of us structuring women's ministry, the problem I have is that they propose no solution. How do I include single women without making them feel belittled or like I'm pandering to them? How do I include retired, Godly women without making them feel old and undervalued? I need solutions, not just examples of how ministries have done you wrong.

Thanks.

Thanks for the article, seems like everyone agrees it's relevant. I've been struggling w/ this issue in my start-up church. I know I'm there to serve and am needed, but i feel very isolated. Small grps??= Women, Men, or Couples. And too often the Women's is all about their husbands and kids...not that I don't want them to share their needs, but no one seems to want to understand where I'm at, an older 30-something, not married, no kids. Running off to another church to participate in "singles" ministry didn't seem the answer either. I did that when i was 20-something..
I don't know how to balance my needs with serving the needs of the church.

I agree with you 100% I am single , never married, 43 and no boyfriend. You are not included in anything , family or church. Even when you know you are doing Gods will. You ask to serve in womens ministries and there at every church service, and ask to serve and study as you should , and other miss, don't study for Sunday School classes ect. guess who is picked. Married, moms with kids, and and women who miss church to do thier own thing and are not faithful to God.

Re my previous post, I meant to mention Phoebe of Romans 16:1-2 fame, not Lydia. Please excuse the mistake.

Am sorry you experienced this, but thanks for sharing it - so true, and obviously experienced by many, with much pain associated.
I recently attended two weddings, where the same Minister officiated. His top and tail (the start and end of the sermon) were identical, and both times they got up my nose and that of other singles present (male and female). He said words to the effect of "if you're married, this occasion might remind you of your own wedding, if you're single AND NOT EVEN REMOTELY INTERESTED IN THIS WHOLE MARRIAGE THING..."

I got my chance to draw to his attention how misconceived this statement was (if he was aiming to be inclusive, as I think he was) when he came over to ask why another single girl and I weren't in the lineup for the bouquet toss - a pagan ritual in weddings (one of many) I will not participate in. I said I may not be in the bouquet toss maul, but just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm "not remotely interested in this whole marriage thing". I then sent him some suggested words -"if you're single, you might hope that one day it's you up here". Much nicer, more hopeful, more inclusive.

The pain that can be caused by churches because of the understandable importance placed on marriage and family is immense and often hidden, because we go home and cry rather than take up the cause of singles and other marginalised people in the church. It's up to us to point out, lovingly, where the church is getting it wrong.

Just a quick note of gratitude to all the ladies who openly and honestly shared their own personal experiences. It's nice to know I'm not the only one feeling "left out" or "outta the loop!" Being a never married, 30something woman definitely has its challenges and it's a HUGE pet peeve of mine that many people downplay (or even ignore) specific issues concerning singles.

Camerin, thank you for your timely and relevant articles. This one, yet again, underscored a very important issue in the church. As a Christian woman, I don't necessarily fit the mold that churches seem to push on us. I love the Lord. I want to serve Him with all my heart. But, at the same time, I am single and have other God-given pursuits and interests outside the home.

I don't quite understand why the Church insists on marginalizing single women (whether you are divorced, celibate or a single parent) or pushing a certain mold on us. We are the big elephant in the room that no one knows how to deal with. We need more than being told "singleness is a gift" or a trite pat on the shoulder. Obviously, God has called us to singleness (whether for a season or permanent) for a reason. And, it's a shame that we go underutilized and forgotten. Ironically, if we are utilized in the church, there is the glaring assumption that we have nothing to do (because we are single) therefore they can dump x, y, z tasks on us.

I pray that the church develops Biblically appropriate and theologically sound responses and vehicles to TRULY recognize, utilize and nuture the gifts of both single men and women in the church .

Although I'm married now, I can related to Camerin's experience. Before I got married (in my 30's), I rarely attended church women's events. I knew that most of the women would be sitting around talking about how hard it was to raise a family, and the speaker would probably gear their presentation that way. To be honest, I still have no desire to attend these events, since hubby and I have no kids. I'd rather spend the time with him, since I can't relate to the other women.

My experience, having been raised in the church and now 39 married 20 years with 4 daughters, is women's groups are just hard! Whether you're married or single, have children or don't, work or stay-at-home, home school, christian school or public school (the list goes on and on) there is an opportunity to feel singled-out and scrutinzed in some way. I have never felt accepted or that I fit in no matter what stage or category that I've been in at the time. Unfortunately, I'm just not involved in woman's groups anymore because I always end up feeling inadequate and excluded with women. There is a sense of failure linked to this choice but I just can't open myself up to be hurt again at this point...

I sometimes wonder if this feeling of church family and its expectations and inclusiveness in the body of Christ is overrated and we make too much of it. Both roles of men and women change over our lifetime for many reasons.
What I don't like is the pressure that if what you are not doing doesn't fit a particular theology ( ex ' soft patriarchy' ) you are sinning. Bravo Camerin.. ! "who's a good godly match for me." I don't hear that much anymore. Its marry early because of fear of sexual immorality regardless if they are a good match or not.
You can try hard to fit in and keep your standards high just to be told your a legalist or you can be a working mom and be told that you should be home with your kids.
It never seems to end. I really don't like church events for women all that much to be honest. I would rather serve in other areas.

I can totally understand this point of view from previous experiences. I am so grateful for the church I go to now that does an excellent job of capturing issues that are all inclusive. We recently had a women's dinner and the topic was about depression and dealing with it. Everyone, single, married, divorced, has dealt with depression and can learn from each other. Sometimes we have to look at a bigger picture to make sure everyone is included. Lonliness, listening to God, serving, prayer, busyness are all universal themes that can be taught to all stages of life.

I can absolutely relate to the writer of this article. I am a divorced single mother of a 16 year old girl. Our church does not have any type of women's ministry at all; however, the married women with children seem to have a special group that divorced women are definately not apart of, it's almost as though being divorced is an unforgivable sin and to be around us would mean that it might be contagious. Well, that leaves those of us in this position very much alone and quite hesitant to speak up about our needs because it draws the wrong type of attention. The only thing I can do is lift this up in prayer and listen intently for what God would want me to do. My love and prayers go out to all of you......

Great insight, Camerin! The kicker is that many of us "young, married moms" feel invisible at these things too--because the focus on our roles as Mom and Wife diminishes our individual identities. While we love being moms, it's hard when that's all anyone can see. And that's how it feels at many women's conferences, retreats, and Bible studies.

How nice it would be if we could focus on the women God made each of us to be and not just lump everybody into broad categories and assume we were all the same.

While we may be wives, mothers, or singles, and each of those groups needs ministering to, it would be so nice if "womens" gatherings were places where we celebrated the way God made each of us as individual women to reflect him in ways outside those labels. We are more than our roles.

I thank you for you words as this is so how I have felt for such a long time. We attend a very large church and it has been difficult to try to find/build relationships with older women. I joined the weekly evening bible study in hopes to do just that to find the group I was placed in was all young new moms. I am 51 and my prayer is and has been that the Lord will bring the friendships needed in the right time

My heart goes out to all of you - I've been excluded at various times of my life for various reasons - today I find myself as the voice cryiing in the wilderness to please CHANGE the thought process around the retreats at my church. I nag for keeping the agenda inclusive for as many women in our church as possible. I do get resistance, which further frustrates me. Keep praying for our Body to understand that one size doesn't fit all!!! We women NEED the retreat time with other women - but we need to be in a nurturing environment during that time. Giod bless al lof you!

Thank you so much! How often have I felt that I did not fit in for various reasons? How often have I heard from other women that the welcome was just not wide enough to honor all women - that the hospitality was focused on married moms? Here's a thought: when planning ministry to, for and with women, make sure that the team represents diverse perspectives, generations, life experiences, etc. While we can't be all things to all people (only Jesus can), we can certainly hold each other accountable for praying and working together to ensure that "our thing, our experience, our perspective" is not the only one honored in the room of Sisters. And, let's stop saying things like "black sheep of the family."

Yes, I get what you are trying to say - I honor your point and am grateful for it. But using terms like that is an example of what excludes sisters from the company of other sisters. It hurts. Black sheep are God's sheep, too.

I know what y ou mean, I have no children of my own--I married and had no children -- swore I'd never marry again -- but have & this marriage did not bring children either. It's hard hearing stories about others who have this, but can't relate to me whose first & current husband didn't want any more... Baby Showers are difficult, too, and especially Mother's Day at Church...I could go on and on...

Thanks for sharing Camerin. I too have felt that way and have found no answer for my isolation. For numerous years I was in a dating relationship but unmarried so didn't fit in that crowd - then was married to a non-believer - so didn't fit into the young married couple crowd either. Then when I was 30 my husband died from cancer and so became the youngest widow that I knew. So once again was in a "group" that didn't really have a definition or other members. Now I am remarried at 37 and a new mom. So in a way I fit into the "young" crowd who are just starting their families but haven't been through the same experiences in life so we have different outlooks. I also don't fit with the older ladies that are either retired or don't have to work outside the home. So I have no group that I can fit into in my church and feel totally comfortable. However - I still participate in my church and still feel part of the family - just like the "black sheep" instead of the favored one. Sorry I don't have any advise to help - but I think more of us feel this way than we know and it is nice to know that we aren't alone in our loneliness.

I am single at age 48 and have been active in women's ministry; understand the "feeling" of not being included in the family of God in the Church when most others are marrieds with families. While there are no easy answers, here are some important things to consider.

Q. Can I start a women's ministry for others who fit this 'niche'?

Q. Am I growing in my relationship with Christ and/or is my spiritual growth hindered by lack of christian fellowship due to the demographics of my church body?

Q. Is there a Fellowship group/small group that I could belong to that would help to enhance relationships and growth. This might even have to be outside your own church if the church doesn't have one.

Q. Will I miss God's call on my life due to fear of the opinions/beliefs of others regarding my current marital status of divorced/single/never married?

God is in the problem solving business and you just might be the person God uses to fill in the gap for others!

I can so unfortunately relate to this feeling of alienation. I am a never-married mom of two small children. I live in a rural/small town area, and at every church we have tried, I have always been the only single mom. People at these small churches tolerate my presence for a while with that fake "I have to be a good Christian" smile and icy hugs but if we keep coming back the attitude seems to shift more towards "Oh, what are you still doing here?" I have grown so tired and disillusioned that we have not attended church in over a year. I miss it terribly but feel like we have tried every church in the area and have not found a single one where we are welcome. It's so sad. Now I see why so many single moms do not go to church.

I attend a church that seems to mostly cater to either married women, married women with children, divorced mothers, and single women UNDER the age of 30.

I would love to see attention focused on women like ME: single, childless, and over 30!

i am the women's minister at my church. first of all, i think that men in ministry don't always get it that women need women and sometimes it's an uphill battle to even get to accomplish a women's event. second of all, some women don't get it, especially, women who are married with children. last year for our annual women's retreat, i had to lovingly stand up to the women on the retreat committee because they wanted to bring a national speaker who talks about rearing children.

i am the women's minister at my church. first of all, i think that men in ministry don't always get it that women need women and sometimes it's an uphill battle to even get to accomplish a women's event. second of all, some women don't get it, especially, women who are married with children. last year for our annual women's retreat, i had to lovingly stand up to the women on the retreat committee because they wanted to bring a national speaker who talks about rearing children.

I remember 24 years ago, reentering the church world as a divorced, single mom and another woman said to me "I can't relate to you because you are divorced and I am not." WOW! I was wounded. She was married to a man who had been divorced. She was a mom. She was a Christian. AND SHE WAS A WOMAN. I never did figure out WHY she couldn't because I felt so isolated from her. I didn't fit in.
I went to a Women's Ministry Leader's Conf several years ago and cried in my room I was so lonely. Many came with their minitry teams; I came alone. Yes, I was alone, lonely, and crying in a room of about 200 women! I'd sit at a table and no one spoke to me even when I tried to enter the conversation. I was an intruder. If I sat at a meal table alone, no one joined me...till one one took pity on me, sat down and talked to me.
It is all sad. I've been in churches where they catered to one group or another, but yes especially to the young MARRIED moms.
We wound those in our cirlce of influence even without realizing it. Maybe those in positions of leadership will read through these letters and go back to the drawing board with their ministry teams and redefind the ministry within their church and reach out to ALL ages, married, single, divorced, widowed. We all need to feel loved and cared for.
Currently I am the Pastor's wife of a very small church and tired as I could, the women's ministry would not 'get off the ground'. I am now feeling alone & isolated in my own church body each and every Sunday. :(
Thanks for allowing me just to 'vent' a bit. I so appreciate all the original posts and comments that follow.
Be blessed....

Bless you! Your column hits very close to home. As a matter of fact, the experience you described is why I have never participated in any women's ministries anywhere. The strong emphasis on families can be confusing and often sad. Am I nothing because I'm not a mom?!? Was I no one special before I was married?

I married later than many of my peers at 38 (have hope, Camerin!) and am blessed to have found such a wonderful man. However, he also feels very out of place in church functions because we do not have children... we simply can't relate to all the soccor games, birthday parties and the latest kid-craze trends. To compound matters, we constantly feel the need to explain why we're childless. The part we find so bizarre is that people don't seem to mind the fact that we're a bi-racial couple, it's the being without kids that seems to isolate us.

The specific reason why a person is not married and/or childless should not make one bit of difference. We're all created equal in the eyes of the Lord and He loves ALL of us... not just those living in a traditional family unit.

AMEN SISTER!!!

I agree that ministering to the diversity of women in churches are a challenge. It is interesting to find that although ministry is offered, it is often limited in the scope of which it is presented. What we are finding is that women are leaving the boundaries of their church setting for the much needed ministry that comes from settings which allow for openess on topics that affect real life. Unfortunately churches large and small miss this, although it is their purpose. Women have always managed to prevail through out history in meeting their needs outside of the "norm." Take a look around at the small intimate groups within your community and surprisingly you will find that in most communities there are biblical based groups of different diversities that are available. Within that scope you will find a group that would fit for you regardless to what season you find yourself in. If a group doesn't exist, then perhaps from the passion of the need, one can be born. Stay prayerful and seek God's guidance.

I have run into a problem concerning women's events also. I am a working mom. I would prefer not to be but that is another story. Many of the mothers in our church do not work and many home school. I love to celebrate their choices but when many of the kids activities and women's activities take place during the workday, it excludes a whole group of families. I wish I had the answers. Instead, I do a whole lot of praying for God to show me the way to serve Him and my family and job. Perhaps switching the emphasis to celebrating our differences and sharing our simalarities (ie, not enough time, money) would bring us all closer together in His name.

I can identify with that "invisible" or "out of the loop" feeling! I am a single, never married mother of two. I almost always find that women's ministries are for every other group, but mine. Although I may have so much in common with women in each, and may be warmly embraced by each, there is something missing. One option we do have Camerin is to maybe form our own group and our sponsor events to minister to the souls of christian women like us. Think about it?

I subscribe to this newsletter and most of the time I skim over the titles and rarely read an entire article. When I saw this blog I almost started to cry. At this point in my life I am looking for a new church home because for the last 8 years I felt like an outsider at my church, not just with the women. I never felt like I fit in and I thought it was ME! My stats are I'm early 40ish, divorced single parent with a good job/career. When I go to church is in an urban area and I live in the 'burbs. Most of the single people are in the early 30's, 9 out of 10 of the women my age are married. The teens who live in the inner city are different than those who live in the 'burbs so my son didn't fit in either. We were never invited to social gatherings even though I spoke up about it several times. We were always an after-the-fact thought, ie, "oh, I didn't know you would come", even though I mentioned several times that was interested in fellowshipping. I would tell them of my son's achievements and no one ever showed up to events that I announced. Well you get the point and I have given up and am now looking for a new church. It hurts to have left but for my spiritual growth I felt I needed to so I didn't feel anymore bitter towards God's people. I am visiting other churches and am paying attention to the people who attend and prayerfully God will help me find one that I fit into better.

Ijust want to take a minute to say thank-you for bringing this important subject up. I am a leader in an International women's ministry, and I never really thought about the different aspects of women's lives. In the group that I am in locally, we have married women with children, single or divorced women some with children, some not, young women in their 20's all the way to women in their late 50's. We meet once a week for bible studies, or where ever the Lord leads. Children are welcome in our group too. The women all love each other, and the children, and some good advice is handed out, tears, and smiles abound. So it is a good reminder for me to remember that all the differences need to be addressed. Not just some singled out.
Blessings,
Kathy :)

I was single for 38 years, and at all church functions felt like a misfit. I married the shy-est man on earth, and at all church functions felt like a misfit. I adopted from overseas when everyone else was giving birth, and at all church functions felt like a misfit. My child suffered from a debilitating lifelong ailment, and at all church functions I felt like a misfit. Finally, I got sick of feeling like a misfit! Somehow, after 20+ years of all this mis-fitting, one night I began to pray as I drove to a woman's church meeting, Let me be a blessing at this meeting. I guess God has a sense of humor because ever since, whenever I pray that, I become the entertainment for the evening, everyone dissolves into fits of laughter at my antics (none of which are planned), and I end up having a blast as well. If there's anything in that to help anyone else, I'll be blessed again! Here's a big cyber hug to all the single, divorced, widowed, ethical, non-ethical, and anything-else women out there - I love you all!

hi there, i can certainly relate to some of the comments here. I am 39 married but no children. It is hard for us to fit into any kind of group our age. mostly have children or are still single. we struggle to fit in and make things work.

Hi Carerin

Your comments brought back a flood of emotions for me. I can sooo relate to your story. I was a child bride and got divorced when my son was 2. During that time I started attending a local church and didn�t fit in at all. I was a young divorced 23 single woman with a 2 year old son. There was no place for me. I didn�t fit in the single/college/young professional group and I certainly didn�t fit in the young couples group. At that time there were no divorced adults attending this church. It later changed but I was the only one for several years.

So where did I eventually end up? With the retirees and widows. They accepted me with open arms and we had lots of fun. My son and I developed wonderful friendships that continue today. It sounds strange but most of my best friends are old enough to be my grandparents. Several friends have since passed away and/or have had major strokes and can no longer get around. It�s been sad to see them struggle, but I try my best to stay in contact with them.

I remarried 12 years ago and now attend a different church, and how ironic that sometimes I find myself feeling isolated like I did in my early 20's. I had a second child with my second husband and she has severe Cerebral Palsy. Where do I fit in with a young child with a disability? I continue to attend church alone as my husband is Catholic and attends his own church. This has never bothered me as I�m used to going to church by myself. My problem is trying to find a place for her in this church. Her medical needs are so severe that it makes it difficult for her to do anything. She is nonverbal and in a wheelchair with limited upper body movement.

Over the years this church has heard my pleas to do something for mothers with children with disabilities. They responded with a parent�s support group for families like mine. It�s been very successful and a blessing to both my husband and I. It has also become an outreach ministry in our area. As wonderful as this is, our children remain on the outside. The problem is they don�t know how to provide programming to this population - it�s very intimidating to them. So, until the Spirit of God moves someone to do something, our children will remain either at home or on the sidelines watching everything go by.

Camerin --

I've been enjoying your writings for quite awhile, but never more so than this one. You hit the nail on the head, girl! I'm a never married, childless, single 53-year-old woman. I've planned three weddings -- none of which have happened. I don't fit with the young singles in their 20's and 30's (and yes, Camerin, you're still young at 36 in my book), and I don't fit with the divorced 40 and 50 year olds who have kids they're raising. I certainly don't fit with the happily married women my age who are watching their children graduate from high school or college and looking forward to having grandchildren. I often feel like I don't fit anywhere.

The few women's conferences I've gone to where I felt wonderfully included have focused on Jesus -- His attributes, how He can meet all our needs, how He is our husband whether we're married or single -- and filled with worship. The only way I've found out of this self-pity hole is to focus on Jesus and His love.

I think it would be very helpful if women's ministries would focus on intense Bible study, memorization and meditation, worship, deepening your intercessory prayer life, understanding your role as a child of God -- all of those are extremely helpful for anyone of any age in any circumstance.

I read almost all the posts. It made me think of the women who are married but husbands do not attend church. Of about 100 people attending, I can easily think of 6 women. There may be more in our congregation. How lonely must they feel? I remember how lonely it was when my husband was unable to attend. At times, I wished that no one saw me, so that they would not ask how Roger was doing. How many lonely people are in church because of many different reasons?

Women's groups can be lonely places no matter what.

Discussionl take a direction often based on the speaker's phase of life. Can you blame her? If she is recently empty-nest, that is where her jokes and references will probably come from.

If you are looking for events with a singles spin you should become the leader or find a single to lead. Then the life experiences will be relatable to you.

This is good to take note of, however. As a Pathway to Purpose group facilitator I noted in the last group that we had one young mom and many older moms (like myself). I wondered how the younger would fit into the conversation. Next time I may "advertise" it for a certain age market, especially after reading what you have said. We all need a peer group.

There is value, however, in learning from those who have gone before. So not sure about all this. For instance as a mom of teens with empty nest approaching, I want to know from the empty nesters that I'll survive.

That group also had a newly divorced mom so I know my references to "husband" didn't apply. It is hard to please everyone.

I am a mid-40's woman who has attended many local, regional and national women's retreats. I have learnt over the years that when I feel isolated while amongst a group, it is a signal that tells me more about ME than about the retreat. If my needs are not being met in my personal life, it is magnified at large events. Maybe because I am looking for the event to give me something that I am desperately missing in my life at that time? Whereas, when I allow my close circle of friends and family to support me emotionally and spiritually, and when I am keeping my eyes on Jesus ... then I am blessed at any event I attend, even if I am not included in the target audience.

Jesus had an 'inner-circle' of friends who supported Him, as well as a close connection with His Father ... and with those things in place, He had no need to look elsewhere to have his needs met. Jesus was constantly marginalised ... and I wonder what the outcome would have been if He had focused on feeling included?!?

His grace is sufficient for me ... and when I forget that, I start to sink.

Wow! I think you hit on something that touched lots of readers!! As Christian women, we need to include others in our conversations, and for those who feel like an outsider, seek a common ground to discuss with the group you choose. Most women over 40 have many life experiences, that while they may not be recent, they have given you added wisdom, and certainly you have something worthwhile to bring to a group.
I am over 50, have experienced the joy of marriage and children, and have also experienced miscarriage, unwanted divorce, a period of being a single working mom, remarried and then widowed. I can't say that I have ever felt like an outsider.
A word of advice: talk to people, ask questions and show an interest in them, rather than expecting them to be interested in you. That will bring you into the group and you will find some common ground--especially Christians--you already have something in common!!

I agree, In reviewing a few of these post I can really relate. It's amazing that we gather together as women with the hopes(I think) of meeting other women, but it doesn't always happen.
Sometimes, respectfully during our women gatherings we are given a lecture and don't have an opportunity for productive feedback or just working together as a team(maybe that sense of family or oneness is missing) sometimes their are no break-out sessions, or small groups where we can relate on a more personal level.
these kinds of sessions(I think) are necessary for encouragement, strenghtening and relating. We feel good when we know that someone understands us, we feel like we are accepted and not alone and maybe more part of the group.
Women need to know that other women care and can relate. I do see this beginning to happen within our Women's Department. It is necessary that women keep meeting together as women, supporting, loving and intentionally caring for one another on a real level. One way to do that is to communicate your needs with the Leadership in a Godly way, and don't forget to pray. Perhaps classes or workshops on friendship building and it's application might be helpful.
Ffind relatable topics related to your needs and ask othe women what their top needs are, and get Wise Godly Older Seasoned Christian Women(Titus 2:3) to address those needs. We really do need each other and we must also realize that we need Jesus the most, as we stay focused on Him, get full of the word, I think we can begin to see what our real needs are.

I agree, In reviewing a few of these post I can really relate. It's amazing that we gather together as women with the hopes(I think) of meeting other women, but it doesn't always happen.
Sometimes, respectfully during our women gatherings we are given a lecture and don't have an opportunity for productive feedback or just working together as a team(maybe that sense of family or oneness is missing) sometimes their are no break-out sessions, or small groups where we can relate on a more personal level.
these kinds of sessions(I think) are necessary for encouragement, strenghtening and relating. We feel good when we know that someone understands us, we feel like we are accepted and not alone and maybe more part of the group.
Women need to know that other women care and can relate. I do see this beginning to happen within our Women's Department. It is necessary that women keep meeting together as women, supporting, loving and intentionally caring for one another on a real level. One way to do that is to communicate your needs with the Leadership in a Godly way, and don't forget to pray. Perhaps classes or workshops on friendship building and it's application might be helpful.
Find relatable topics related to your needs and ask othe women what their top needs are, and get Wise Godly Older Seasoned Christian Women(Titus 2:3) to address those needs. We really do need each other and we must also realize that we need Jesus the most, as we stay focused on Him, get full of the word, I think we can begin to see what our real needs are.

I feel like an outsider of my church, because I'm disabled and I'm married, but childless. I'm the only woman in my church with a physical disability. However, this is NOT my churches fault. I have a wonderful church that just doesn't recognize my needs. I can only blame myself for that as I've not said anything.

As with many others, this stirs emotions for me.. Seriously!! I have recently joined a church and love it. That said, I do steer away from many of the women's groups for the more generic ones working with new Christians, etc. For most of the same reasons mentioned. I would be more likely to take a week morning off work for golf lessons then to attend one of the women's groups. Sorry girls!! Most of the volunteer work I do is through my community or employer rather than my church. I feel like my single female contributions are valued there and occasionally I am still able to witness, but even when I can't, I can always set an example. I believe that we are obligated to do the work of the Lord where ever we can. However, in order to further the kingdom of God we need support too. There seems to be enough of us now, maybe it's time we spoke up in our own churches!

Wow! This issue really hit home. I was widowed at 39 after 10 years of marriage. My husband and I did not have children. I'm now 43 and still have not successfully found my fit in or out of the church. I moved so my circle of girlfriends is spread out and making new women friends has been hard. I have found that most women befriend other moms and are leery of befriending "single" women. I adore children and like having all kinds of friends but sadly these women do not share my view. I end up "hanging" with the women over 60 who are also widowed. Don't get me wrong I love these women too but it would be nice to feel welcomed by the women at large. Knowing now that so many other women share this feeling of isolation, I will make a greater effort to make women's groups aware of everyone's needs (including mine!) and do my part to create an inclusive environment. Thank you for sharing this issue!

I can relate as well! I remember attending a womens event with some ladies from my church, and one of the young moms was there with some family heirloom catalog and they were all talking about it. She asked me "Do you have kids?" no, "Are you married?" no, "Do you have a boyfriend?" no, "Oh..." and then she seemed uncomfortable like she didn't know what to say.

I tried to get to know the young mom's at my church since pretty much all the women my age were in that category but never felt like I fit in with them - when I did open up and share about my struggles at one point people weren't sure how to react.

I can thank God though, I ended up in a small group with a 27 year old single, a woman in her late 40s who was divorced, a 70 year old widow and a woman who was married to an unbeliever, and we were really able to support each other and develop really strong friendships despite the fact that we were in different life stages. I've moved 3 hours away and they still call to see how I'm doing. :)

I don't know what the solution is, it's totally natural for women to want to talk about their kids when they get together, and sometimes it seems there are parallels between being single and having leprosy ha ha ha.

Reading the article and the responses has been very enlightening. I think the comments will make all of us more aware of the needs of others who are not in the particular season we find ourselves in. I have felt the outsider feelings as well. Up until 4 years ago, I was a stay at home mom in a long term marriage with living parents and am now a divorced 40 something working mom of teens and no parents. During this process, I found a church where the pastor is a child of divorce who has a heart for and is sensitive to the needs of people in all walks of life. His sermons recognize these differences, and the ministries of the church are set up to address people in different stages of life. Also, participating in ministries where status is irrelevant to what I'm doing is so fulfilling. Serving others has been a transforming experience. More importantly, however, experiencing the Lord as my best friend has healed me and filled the hole in me of feeling like an outsider. What I have looked to others to fulfill, I have found in seeking the Lord as my best friend and allowing Him to direct my choices and experiences so that I am now content.

This was an interesting article and re-affirmed in my own mind why I have, so far, decided not to attend Women's gatherings.

One reason is that, all too often, conversations and discussions at these meetings tend to shift away from the Lord and studying His Word to nagging and complaining about the women's husbands and children. If I attend a church function, I do not go to have my time wasted by listening to pointless whining and bad-mouthing. There is nothing Christ-like about such attitudes and discussions. If the meeting is advertised as a time to fellowship and study God's Word, then that is what they need to be doing during the meeting.

Another reason I have chosen not to attend Women's meetings is because I often am ignored by the older women. I am 23-year-old single woman, I have college degrees and am continuing to work for a higher degree, and I would love (one day) to have a family of my own. Just because I may appear young or because I am single does not mean I am dumb or stupid. I am tired of participating in conversations where, when I share some fascinating nugget of information, I receive blank stares and then am completely ignored, as if my thoughts are not even worth listening to.

How can Women's programs be more inclusive?

For one thing, if your church is holding weekly or biweekly meetings, it would be a wise idea to ask the regular attendees for suggestions on topics that can be discussed at future meetings. Perhaps you can alternative who leads out in the meetings so that a married woman might lead out one week, a single woman the next, a single-parent the next, etc. so everyone can learn more about the women who are attending the meetings with them.

Also, one can never go wrong with Bible studies that cover the Prophecies of Daniel and Revelation. Too many church events are advertised as "studying God's Word" but during the actually event, hardly anyone opens a Bible and the conversations drift away from studying and sharing God's word. That truly irritates me. After all, the Scriptures praise those who study the Word. (Acts 17:11)

One more suggestion... If someone in your meeting asks a question, no matter how simple or stupid it may seem to you, never respond with: "You do not know that?!" Too many times I have seen this happen: a woman with a sincere question finally gathers her courage to ask it only to be rudely shot down by her peers and her question left unanswered. I can garuantee that she will never ask another question again... if she even comes back! Always, always be considerate of those around you. Think before you open your mouth. Remember our Lord's words: "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself." (Matthew 22:39)

I have often thought that church is the loneliest place in the world! I wish there was some way to get past that horrible feeling after the Sunday morning service as the families and couples are making their lunch plans together without including a single man or woman. Many times those plans were made in my presence, by people who love me, and I was still left to walk to my car alone, desperately trying to ignore the ache in my heart for companionship. Some weeks it is easier just to stay home than to navigate the "family-friendly" world of church.

And, yes, I have attended my very last woman's event catered to moms and wives. There are so many topics to teach from the scriptures that I can't imagine why leaders always limit their focus to parenting, or coping with your teenager, or making your man happy. Not to mention there are many topics about womanhood that have nothing to do with the roles we play or don't play at home. As I left, I promised myself I would never go back.

I have concluded that church pastors and women ministry leaders (often married mothers) simply don't know what to do with us, so they ignore us. I truly believe we are not a topic of discussion when next year's Ministry Plan is being developed.

In spite of the heartache I experience at church, I guess I must agree with Peter when he said (re: leaving Jesus) "To whom shall we go?" Leaving my church isn't an option, for we are His Body, His Church, and I need to be taught the Word, and I need to have a place to minister. If the problem is so widespread, where else could I go?

Thank you, Camerin, for giving us a voice. Perhaps some pastors will stumble on this page and realize there are thousands of people that they are failing to serve. (Or maybe you could just e-mail it to all the church websites....)

Well, I suppose I'll break all the rules here by saying I AM a married mom with 3 young kids, yet I STILL don't feel like I fit in. I had to laugh, though only because it's so perfectly descriptive, at the post that mentioned the phony "I have to be a good Christian" greetings or icy "hugs," but then NOTHING after that. It's as though these women have "done their duty," and now we're on our own!

I also agree with My4Girls that women's ministries ARE hard, but it would seem to me that if the regulars at these functions could just look past THEMSELVES and their own tight-knit circles, they might see that their are others who are not seated in a group, not chatting with anyone else, not married, not mothers, etc., etc. I don't mean to sound harsh, but to me it's a matter of selfishness. No wonder people who need it MOST don't want to attend church! In fact, I'll go even farther--when my husband left me & I was alone & devastated, was it the church I'd attended since childhood who came to my rescue, kept me company, invited me along for dinner, get-togethers, just to "hang out??" NO, it was my "heathen" ;) friends from work. That's a sad, sad commentary -- it lends credibility to that "Cheers" song about wanting to go where somebody knows your name & is glad you came -- and it's a BAR! I've had plenty of practice not fitting in, trust me, ranging from being overweight as a child, married & childless, separated & nearly divorced, etc., etc. I've made plenty of attempts to smile, chat, look nice, etc., but I've repeatedly found that it seems the insecurities of many at these functions keep them from venturing outside of their own little clique. I have to say I have my doubts when they profess that oft-used assurance that they'll "pray for me," yet these same women can't even manage to ACKNOWLEDGE me two weeks later! I think we must make God sad when we treat others this way, and the whole experience makes me sensitive to others who may be in that position whenever I see them. Ladies, let's keep THIS order in mind while supposedly conducting "OUTreach" ministries: 1) God, 2) OTHERS, 3) Me!!

here is what it all comes down to (this problem of the lack of inclusion in the community of Christian women in America): everyone wants to be comfy cozy. That means sticking to the familiar, the usual. No one by nature *wants* to venture into the unknown (wifehood if you are single), or the previously known and unwanted (singleness, for a married person, I imagine). It is human nature to want to be around people who are like you, who think and act and talk and look just like you, because you are most comfortable with yourself. *BUT God has NOT called us to be COMFORTABLE.* We have a calling to venture into the unknown, trusting that He will lead us through, and that His Light and His Love will shine from us, through the darkness, when we follow Him. Christ Jesus ventured into the unknown for us. Let us do the same for each other as well as for our own hearts.

I hear the heartcries of the women who responded to this article. Yet, there have always been insiders and outsiders; it is part of the human condition. Beneath the laments of feeling isolated, lonely, etc., I think is the larger issue of each woman needing to feel she is loved by God and has gifts and graces that need to be used and affirmed. But the focus needs to be off of your own needs and on the needs of the church, community, etc. I am a widow, I am black, I am an ordained minister of the Gospel. Therefore, I am an outsider on several aspects of women's ministries.
Yet, my call from God and my living out that call is not to fulfill my needs. It is not about me! Yet, in living out my call, I can address some of the universal needs of men and women, no matter whether or not we are married with children, married without children, single mothers, single without children, etc. Jesus ministered to the whole person, exaclty where he or she was and he tore down walls of separation based on gender, class, ethnicity, etc. The truth is, there needs to be more women leaders in the church who can model the different demographics of women, and who have a sensitivity for everyone in the Body of Christ, and particularly, sensitive to women. Remember, if you delight yourself in the Lord, He willl give you the desires of your heart. Step out on faith, step out of our comfort zone, and pray for opportunities to use your gifts and graces for God's glory.

I agree with what a woman previously said: I AM married and have children, and STILL feel excluded at times. I want something beyond being a mom and a wife - I'm those things every day! I have an identity that is only mine, and how I wish our women's ministry events would minister to those parts of me!!! For this too, I have withdrawn somewhat from our women's events.

Our church has two middle-aged single mothers with elementary school-age kids. I am one of the mothers. We always hear about parties and whatnot, but are never invited, yet we both hold leadership positions in the church, and many expect that we'll be there (the parties).

The pastors have told each of us to go to a singles group that is a 45 mile drive from our town. There are other singles groups much closer to home, but this one's in one of the richest areas of the state. Our denomination is notorious for expecting "only the best." So, we suspect that this is their way of letting us know they'll include us when we find a rich guys and remarry.

I can relate as well. Even though I am married and have 2 young children (3&6), I am also 47 years old. Most people don't believe I am this age, but I am. I can't relate to the newly married young moms~ I have been married for 15 years. It's very hard to find a group that I fit in, most of the women I meet my age have grown children and maybe are even grandmothers. Thanks for the column~just glad to know I am not alone.

I just turned 36 and never married. I do go to a family-oriented church. For the longest time I felt very alone at church, but God renew my mind. Instead of feeling bad about my singlesness, he has called me to be a blessing to the married ones. I can babysit their kids for a few hours so that they can have sometime off for themselves. I can offer my place for the couple fellowship to meet. I am currently serving as a church librarian and a worship team member and I hope to be a wedding coordinator someday. As for my spiritual needs as a single, I know I cannot obtain it from my church so I am looking forward to attending the Singles Chrisitan Conference this year. God has called us to be servants to others, and in serving we will find joy.

After reading all the comments I don't feel so odd anymore ... when I was married without kids, we managed to fit into church activities and pitch-in. But when my marriage unraveled, the advice from the pastor was "hurry up and sin and get on with your life" ...??? I was trying to save my marriage and help a very depressed husband that I loved dearly, now I was a pariah. I tried other churches but learned that a "separated" woman was definitely not a welcomed soul. I had to learn to keep my "status" to myself and be vague, when what I wanted was a place to share honestly. Now that I'm divorced I don't know where to begin and struggle with the pain of trying again.

I ran across an interesting problem in several women's groups I tried during that time and it was predominantly a generational one. The older women didn't feel respected by the younger ones, and the yournger ones thought the older ones were out of touch. In all cases, I felt a keen kinship with both and very hurt by what seemed like never ending feuds. I was losing my mom to dementia and really loved the comfort of the older women, and appreciated their warmth. The younger women were also very interesting and of diverse professions and/or mom's and quite a bit of fun. But because I enjoyed both groups and supported doing some things "together" and wouldn't "take sides" ... I didn't fit in ... but my emotional needs and abilities to minister were in both camps. I think the "push me pull you" effect between the generations is a big problem in many churches.

I am so sorry your feelings got hurt Camerin. I am very blessed to be a part of a church which has a large majority of single women. The only time I felt isolated was when I attended a holiday party solo sponsored by the single's ministry, and maybe I was silly for thinking this, but I did not think the majority of the singles would have dates or friends there to accompany them. And to top things off I was at a table with a bunch of couples, most of them married. Needless to say I left early. I just try not to put myself in situations where I am made to feel like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole.

I can certainly identify with everyone who posted, it's good to feel that you're not alone in this world. But the church hasn't been an option for me, I don't want to feel invisible like that. It's hurtful to walk in and be told that after you sit in the back of the church, you've taken someone's seat.? I've never been back to any church after that remark. After my marriage fell apart because of infidelity, this invisibility even goes down into the family and not just the church family. My oldest son and his wife haven't spoken to me in almost three years. The aloneness is what so hurtful. I am my mothers caretaker, and she just doesn't understand that sometimes I just don't have the time. I have chores, errands and my work hours have changed yet again. But I'm so thankful I have a job. Yes, the Lord and I talk everyday, but it isn't in a church atmosphere.

I am co-Director of our Women's Ministries at our church. I agree with so many of these comments! As a 'woman with an unsaved husband' I fall into
another 'outsider' category. And I have experienced the sting of rejection for this as well as the 'I cannot relate to this topic' feeling. Perhaps it is one reason I am involved in WM's - to change things.
Perhaps this is the reason my co-Director and I have purposely tried to encompass all types of women in our women's ministries program by offering a variety of activities/Bible studies/groups, etc. that speak to the hearts of all women, not just a specific demographic. In all that we do, we examine our activities to see if they are exclusive and flat out discard anything that will make anyone feel umwelcome or like an 'outsider.'
We do offer some 'category' related groups/studies, such as "Moms With Small Children" or 'The Heat is On' (menopause). However, most of our large group programming functions are designed to relate to issues all women face. We focus on encouraging women and trying to offer activities that will meet the needs of many diverse types of women, of all ages.
Our ministry is called Inner Beauty and we have planning teams that consist of women of different ages and demographics. These sisters offer insight as to what will appeal to and meet the needs of most women, no matter what specific situations they might be in. As a ministry leader, I appreciate their honest input when we plan the events that make up our yearly calendar. We feel it is crucial to provide opportunities for women to get to know Christ and to grow and mature spiritually. We try to choose topics that will encourage women in their walk with Christ, so they can apply sound Biblical practices to life in the real world, regardless of their social status, ethnic background or age. This is accomplished through the use of various media, whether it is a social event or a spiritual one. Women who are new to the church often comment that they feel accepted and cared for at our events.
A very important aspect of our ministry is evaluation. When we review comments and suggestions, we take those to heart and try to improve. After all, what good is all the planning, preparing and execution of programs and groups if the needs of the women are not being met? Our prayer is for Jesus to show us what the women need and follow HIS plans for the ministry, not our own. We are not all things to all women, but we strive to hit the mark as close as we can!

Thank you for writing so honestly about your experiences to which I can truly relate. I praise God for you! I think Barbara's post has some great questions for us to think about. We really do need to actively look out for each other!

Camerin, your article was very honest and heartfelt. Even though I fit in the demographic of married woman with children, as I've gotten older and there are increasing demands on my time and energy, I find myself avoiding womens events and conferences. Why? Because they so often seem frivolous and not worth the time they require away from my family and other interests. My take on modern day women's groups is that they have become either too focused on women's problems and less focused on Bible study and doing good works (ie.missions). Since our problems will always be different from each other, focusing on them will always be divisive. But focusing on a goal of studying or ministering to others unites us all, helping us forget our individual problems and burdens and instead focuses us on God and serving. In this way, women in very different stages of life can learn to enjoy each others company and become true sisters in Christ.

Yes, I agree. Our daughter is 39 and single. Churches just over look single women that don't fit in with college & career,young marrieds. You just don't belong.

Now I'm starting to feel left out as a woman in her late 50's married with no children at home and no grandchildren. I guess there will always be a gap.

Why do christian women feel something like the Purple Hat Society is wrong? Why do we thing you can't or shouldn't belong to something that doesn't have a bible study every time you meet? It's ok to have fun outside of christian activties - it doesn't mean you aren't a christian.

I think we need to re-think our Womens Ministries because it isn't meeting the needs of all the women. It becomes a private club.

It is not just single women who feel left out at women's ministry programs. I am married with two teenage sons, but I still feel invisible at women's ministry events and retreats. I am an introvert, and find it extremely difficult to join in conversations. Christian women can be just as 'exclusive' as non-Christians. It is difficult to attend an event when you don't know the other women well. I work full-time, and would love to get to know the others better and be included, but the other women seem closer to each other because they are stay-at-home moms who are able to get together frequently and get to know each other. It is not easy to join into their conversations, and I don't find the other women very welcoming. It seems like working moms are looked down upon, like we aren't caring for our families as well as we should, when the reality is I have to work to help support our family. I think we all need to strive to be inclusive and look for the women who are feeling left out. After all, isn't that what being a Christian is all about?

our church has struggled to address this and we are still trying. We have a weeknight "dessert and seminar" a couple of times a year plus a womens conference. This year we have had seminars like extended families, being single, depression in women, the feminist gospel etc. It is important to let the bible do the talking and set the topics as well as looking at where people are at. Titus is very clear about older women teaching younger women and that it INCLUDES teaching them to obey their husbands and love their husband and children. Obediently this teaching must happen, and does in my church. However as a mum of three young boys, I feel our womens events don't try to box me into a category other than a saved child of God.

ironically, when turned to one of the links recommended that were different than the groups experienced, there was also an ad for Christian Women's magazine, with a young woman and child on the cover.

I am a Pastor's wife with two young children and I thank you for this Article. I had the same struggles as I'm not a stay at home Pastor's wife I also have a career and co Pastor our church amongst many other things. I too had to struggle a lot with being a modern day Pastor's wife. But that is focusing on me I would like to thank you for being honest and sharing what is reality to a lot of women who attend churches today. It is a reminder to me to remember and to create an all encompassing program to include all women of all ages and all walks of life! You could well be the gals to help out the leaders to create programs to suite your very need or lead in these programs and events!! God bless you all!

May I suggest that you vocalize to your WM team or WM director what time works best for you for Bible studies, events? I would hope they would be responsive to your needs. Directing WM for 6 yrs. was the most rewarding and most frustrating ministry I have ever been involved in. My frustration came from my desire to truly minister to ALL women in my church. That is a tall order! Another suggestion: please pray for your WM leadership on a regular basis...and tell them you are.

I just read your article and could've written it myself! I had the exact same experience this year at a ladies conference and was so discouraged afterwards. I even vowed never to attend ladies conferences again! But, I'm encouraged to know that I'm not alone. Thanks to all for their comments.

I can identify with you my sister.I used to feel discrimiated against in women's ministry as a single woman minister. But to my surprise things have taken a different turn since I changed location. I have even been invited twice since then to preach on Mother's Day (I don't have any children and have never been married)! I think it depends on the spiritual maturity and sensitivity of those who plan women's ministry programmes. Let's keep praying that such people have a deeper understanding of the role of women in general in the ministry.

Way to go, Nora! I applaud you for your posting. And I so appreciate Camerin's openness. I've found much of the same as a single again woman in my mid thirties with no kids, I have felt it hard to fit in. But once the Lord helped me through my issues, I found there are so many in similar situations. I now have a group of single/single again folks that meet for Bible study and events.

Just like Nora pointed out, just because you don't fit in with what appears to be everyone else, don't let it keep you from the Christian fellowship you need. Start your own if you need to!

And it really helps to realize you can still get something out of the other women's events, we all have something we can learn from one another instead of expecting everything to minister to us all the time.

Even women who are married and have children, etc can feel invisible in their church. I know that's the case for me. I have never been comfortable going to women's functions, too touchy-feely for me, and cliqueish. I am now the mother of grown children and feel as if I have missed out on friendship and encouragement and will never "break into" a group of women to find it.

oh, how i identify with the women lamenting that most ministry activities take place during the workday!! as a young newlywed in my final year of college, i have a hard time not laughing when the middle-aged at-home wives at church ask me why i don't come to the wednesday morning Bible study. i miss my church back home, for they "got" it - they understood working-class folks, students, etc., and scheduled accordingly. i can't think of a single daytime ministry activity there aside from sunday morning service.

I can relate. I am a 39 year old divorced mother of two. I have been divorced longer than I was married. When I attend women's retreats and functions, I feel like I am the sinful, out of place sister. Either it is the divorce issue that gets harped upon ( like i really got married just to get divorced), or the fact that I had one of my children out of wedlock(boy, some make you feel like God shouldn't really even talk to you anymore), or the fact that some conferences make you feel that you should not be single, and convict you on that subject. I am proud to say that the women's ministry in my church gears their programs to ALL women, and even pulls in the young girls to our ministry. All are welcome, and is tailored to ALL the women. All give imput. We also have Special Events for each: unmarried, married with children, married with no children,etc. It is also annonced before hand. We all attend anyway so we can provide love and support for each other. It is hard work, but we do it, and I am glad for it.

As soon as I read the beginning of this blog in the Today's Christian Woman Edition, I hit the link to go straight to the article. I am the square peg also and have been what seems like all my life. I thought I was unique until my mom (who is a precious woman of God) stated some of her feelings to me and I knew I wasn't alone. Women's conferences almost always include pastor's wives, preacher's wives, or other nationally known women. It seems as though they are the only ones who ever get invited to speak at these things. I would sit in the audience, being a divorced twice by the age of 40 with teenagers person and think, that's all well and good for you to say and then you go back to your happy ever after home with your preacher husband who loves you...what do you have to say to ME? Actually, I wanted to jump out of my seat and run up there to the podium and say, "I know I'm not the only one here who feels this way", and start MINISTERING to the masses who were crying inside just like me! But I would just go home feeling more empty than before. Evidentually, I also quit going to these things. I would volunteer to my pastor to do support groups or single get togethers, or other such groups that included all women and get the "look" and speech. I tried it once or twice and the small group minister GAVE ME THE MATERIAL TO USE! He was happily married, with kids and him and his wife have a wonderful ministry all of their own but have no idea what it's like to be me! Why did he have to give me material for a group that he knew nothing about? I had a few takers but because they got criticized they even quit coming. Another time I started a Sunday School class that was more like a support group, and I felt as though I ministered to some, then the wife of the leader had the audacity to tell me what I should and should not be doing in the class. She said I should be sure to include scripture and she had no idea that everything I said was based in LOTS of SCRIPTURE. Later, It got down to me and another lady, but we eventually created our own friendship and "support group". All of the group functions at church were called "FAMILY". I felt like a sore thumb. However, this story doesn't end here. Ladies, there IS hope! Keep praying, keep asking God to teach you what He wants you to learn through these disheartening circumstances because it may be that He is trying to teach you how NOT to be and how NOT to act when He places you in the place of ministry right where He has designed for you to be. It may be to one or two or it may be to the masses. He may be molding you and forming you to be a vessel meet for His use! I am now remarried (which I vowed I would never be unless God brought him and dropped him at my doorstep) That's about what happened. After two years, we started a church of our own, as my husband had suffered many things similar to mine on his own male side of things. We knew all the things we didn't want to do and wouldn't do. We knew how NOT to minister and how NOT to be. Of course we don't have it all together either, God is still teaching us... but I have started a ladies ministry and I have said that it will be in operation even if I'm the only one there...and it will include every woman no matter what age, no matter what circumstances in life, no matter what background because we need one another. A few meetings (that started at the beginning of this year) have had 4-6 people in attendance, including myself, but they are starting to get the idea that no matter what your preferences are, no matter what your idea of entertainment or hobbies are, no matter what your status in life, working or non working (I've been in it all I think!) we have something in common. We are WOMEN. And we can minister to one another because of that single common bond. We need one another. I never dreamed I would be in this position!!! God has turned my mourning into dancing and I just pray that I can be exactly what He has called me to be. I have had a few times where I had to "rebuke" the women who felt that should be in control or who are the spiritual giants to keep it where I felt God wanted it to be, but I did it in love and with (hopefully) Godly wisdom. Most have accepted it and grown from it, one has not and has continued to reject it, but that's ok, because God is the one who is in charge and I refuse to believe that He will not complete what He started in me. Sometimes I still struggle with the big even situations, but I know God is showing me and teaching me and whatever it is He asks of me I WILL pass on to others in spite of the loud opinions and harsh words from others. Jesus was criticized for His ministry, I can take it when I am criticized and will keep going on because I have to please HIM.

It does not just happen in women's groups, picture having to endure the torture of 4 weeks of extreme marital counselling including overt discussions of sex in marriage, frequency and all other aspects of marriage related issues...during the Sunday services: I am a single mother of a 15 year old and I was accompanied by my 60+ mother who has just undergone an extremely painful divorce after almost 40 years of marriage. In the audience was a well-known church member who had just lost her husband less than a month back.... I was so tempted not to attend church but did not know where else to go because we live in a foreign non-English speaking city with few choices of churches to attend. I think people including church ministers, have become insensitive to the needs of their flock.

One suggestion that works for our church is that our Pastor has taught hermeneutics to our women (and of course, men) leaders, and then the leaders have passed on this teaching to all the others. Hence, we have every season of life represented in our monthly hermeneutics' studies, which are focused on books of the Bible - one book at a time. No matter what your season of life, there is application to be found. Then, when we gather at our yearly women's retreat, our topic focuses on some facet of who God is and our relationship with Him. At the start of each year, our women's leader chooses a topic for all of our other monthly Bible studies - this year it is the Armor of God (last year it was prayer). Who doesn't need to focus on that?? The infallible Word of God is what unites Christians in every season of life. When we try to address one particular group, surely many will be left out; whereas when we draw our hearts together under the active and living Word, we all can relate, and draw closer together! Let's go back to the Word of God and find our unity there.

I married late (36) and my husband and I couldn't have children. So I relate to Camerin's experience. But I think the problem with most women's conventions is that they're trying to address OUR "needs," (and likes/dislikes/situations) instead of simply proclaiming the Word of GOD -- the two-edged sword that speaks to all of us in all circumstances.
I'm not a Catholic, but I'm going to suggest that anybody who has cable TV look for EWTN's ongoing broadcasts of talks by Father Corapi as an example of how one can do this effectively in a non-church setting. His numerous, powerful talks are recorded live, to male/female audiences. They're exhilarating, as being confronted by the Word of God always is (ignoring on the occasions when he delves into particular elements of Catholic teaching that non-Catholics may rightly disagree with).

I guess I wouldn't attend a Christian women's convention first of all to socialize or for the "fellowship" or to hear talks about what somebody assumes I'm interested in. I want new biblical insights. A profound understanding of God as he reveals himself in the Bible, after all, is what we are, or should be, basing our daily Christian lives on.

Socially, I prefer male-female groups to just women's groups, in almost all cases and in almost all areas of life. I hate to admit that, in my experience, the chances become much greater in male-female groups for wider-reaching, fascinating conversation about things I'm actually interested in. Thankfully, when the need arises, I have a sister and a couple of close women friends I can talk to about stuff most men might not be interested in.

I appreciate hearing from the many women that posted comments about their identity and lack of connection to some group in the church. I really didn't realize how they felt in being left out of the church and not being addressed to their needs. I have been an elder and am an educational counselor in a para ministry that addresses singles, married and divorced called marriageinsight.com which does focus on dating, engaged, and married. But I am also starting classes for singles and divorce people. Again I know from what I hear that it doesn't include all those that responded. I do think that sometimes we can not cater to every subgroup from that identification but I would think we should be able to relate somewhat closer in a broader areas such as prayer, sickness, loneliness, or God's niche for my life. I do thank you for exposing this issue. I always thought that women seemed to have something in common with one another. But since I now realize how important it is to have a friend or a goup of friends that can relate to issues similar to theirs that can fill a void in their life. I think your blog was a good medium for understanding for the rest of us that may have our heads in the sand. Sad to say. Larry

I am a twenty-something married woman without children, and I also regularly feel like an outsider at these events. Reading over the comments, it seems like many women of all ages, married or unmarried, with or without children, feel similarly. I wonder if this is because we are all comparing our knowledge of who we are to the seemingly perfect images that others portray. I think many of us who secretly feel like we don't fit in might look to other people like we're part of the inner circle. We need to be willing to be more vulnerable with each other and admit our limitations and weaknesses to other women, instead of trying at these women's events to look like we fit the image of the perfect Christian woman.

I have been in this position, although I'm not now. As a women's ministry leader, I'm very sensitive to this. God laid it on my heart last year to begin to reach out to single women, whether never married, divorced, or widowed. So much is done for women with children, but the childless woman is often ignored. Through the "Naomi Project", we try to address some of those issues. Through the ministry I lead, we also have 2 different groups that meet for a ladies' night out each month. No children are allowed. This gives all women the opportunity to participate. Men in the church babysit. I believe that fellowship and friendships among all women has to be a priority.

Girls, Girls, Girls, My heart is breaking reading all these posts. I feel so much pain, but I think it's a good thing that we have this place to be real!! Praise God and thank you for this opportunity.

I challenge all of you to love each other like Jesus loves us... right where we're at. Right here, right now, the good the bad and the ugly.
He doesn't wait until we are perfectly obedient, He doesn't wait for us to be perfectly anything, just to be... in Him. He says he forgives our sin and our shame... Did you hear me? He forgives our SHAME. So do not be ashamed of who your are, be real. God will mold you in his time, not in your time and not in the timeframes of others. Celebrate who you are! Jesus does!! Blessings to all!

Thank God for square pegs! I felt invisible pre-husband, married without children then married with children! Finally I realised that who I am in God is what matters, became secure in that and am now actively involved in loving and caring for other square pegs. It's not that we just don't fit, it's just that God has a different way for us to fit. I've read a lot of pain in and between the lines of peoples comments & I just want to say that there are those of us out there who love you regardless of age, demographic, ethnicity etc. We don't care if you're divorced, widowed, single, married. We just love you cause you're you. Hope we all find each other some time soon.
Rachel.

It's not just single women who feel this way, I know professional women with hubby and kids who get fed up with the implication that life is all about family duties. they love and serve their families but their lives go beyond that as well. let's just say that Christian women have too long accepted the restricted role in which they've been placed and it's getting almost pathetic.

You really touched a nerve with me. I am married but have no children. I love the women at my church but I feel consistantly left out and have struggled alot with the idea that I have to be a mom to be a good Christian. Add to that the fact that I am not standard female matterial. I don't like make-up, pink, or frilly things. I like airplanes and fishing and bugs :) I can cook well enough to get by but I'm no Martha Stewart. No one has every said out loud that I should be anything other than who God made me but I have certainly felt the undercurrent that emphasises certain roles. We aren't trying to have kids but we arent preventing it either yet I feel if I dont have a child I am somehow lacking as a Christian. I understand how important the family is but there are other members of the body fulfilling other roles that could use some encoragement and support as well.

Wow! I did not think this was so big of an issue. I thought it was just me. My husband is not a christian and I fell just as isolated. I quit going to thde ladies ministry meeting. I don't know if it is being done on purpose but I know it is not encouraging. This is something that we should be praying about as God has a purpose and a plan for all of us regardless of our status . Thanks Camerin. This is so timely. Nida.

It is heartwarming to see that all of us 'misfits' seem to fit right in here! I will pray for each of us to experience the fellowship God intended for us, irregardless of status or place in life.

I have felt 'isolated' for the past three years. As a single woman in her twenties working on my 3rd degree, the last time I felt 'at home' in a church was in a college town where most of the people my age were also single and in school. Since then, I have found it very interesting trying to find a place that fits me. Am I supposed to wait to be married, or seek to be married? I'm fully a woman regardless of my marital status, right? I'm not sure if people know what to make of women who aren't in some form of relationship.

I stopped attending singles conferences years ago because they only seemed to be geared towards tons of women praying for their husbands (with not as many male prospects around). They always made me feel kind of down, like I wasn't 'enough' yet. I do want these things, but they seem to overwhelm me at times and take me away from fully appreciating my current season. Instead of being single or married, I'd rather focus on being whole.

Just a few days ago, I found an amazing women's conference that I was very excited to attend. However, when I checked the content of last year's conference online, every workshop except one was geared towards being a mother or a wife. Well, there went the women's conferences, too. I don't want an isolated conference of women who are only my type, I want to convene with women of all types!

Finally, the church. I've been in the church my entire life, but have taken seasons away in the past few years. I began to feel like I was supposed to be a workhorse because I was single..and supposedly had so much more time... However, I worked a full-time job and came home to empty walls in the evening... so I was out looking for support as much as anyone else!

Not having children doesn't mean that you have hours on end with nothing to do... some of us are very busy, and feel taken advantage of when people look at us like we should be happy to sacrifice what time we do have. I always felt bad saying no, even though I knew I was constantly getting sick from over-exertion (no one else seemed to have that problem, or they were great at hiding it). I had to step away to create boundaries. Now that I have them, I'm honestly a bit timid of going back and getting stuck in the same cycle again. I don't know what to expect.

I do know who I am as a woman. I know that I am enough, and I celebrate that. I trust God to lead me in the path that will use my experience to fulfill His purposes, and bless me with the fellowship I need to grow as His child. God's blessings to you all.

My experience and observation is that more women feel like an outsider than not! The "young mom demographic" is easily identified because it is easy to see them and put together a program for them.

I'm another whose life didn't match my expectations. I was married in my 20's, divorced and single again in my 30's, remarried in my 40's, experienced infertility, and then adopted a beautiful baby girl - when I was 44! Not long after we adopted our daughter, my husband began showing signs of clinical depression. He has been unable to work 3 of the last 5 years. But he is usually able to mask that depression for a time, so that many of the people in our new church don't realize the depths of his struggling. So I don't have a lot of help at home sharing - the good or the difficult.

I decided in my 30's that I would not be a casualty because of the lack of a group I could easily fit into. (Being a divorced woman at church is not easily dealt with by many folks.) And now that I am a 49-year-old mother of a 5-year-old, I feel more strongly about that than ever! :)

I have been involved in choir (they usually don't care of you're married or single!), drama (ditto), missions (been on 5 overseas trips), and volunteered in media. And I've done them while single and while married.

I'm with many who have posted here - I don't fit the demographic, and I never will. (I am older than many of my daughter's playmates' GRANDparents!) But I continue to seek God's will for my life. My life is intentional. He has given me some interesting and meaningful places to minister and to worship.

Be encouraged!

Camerin,
I can also relate to your article. I am 39 years old, never married, no kids. I left the singles group at my church b/c there was noone my age, too many women and not enough healthy men. Most of the single women I know do not go to women's events because all they talk about is marriage and family. I have been looking for another church but have not met any singles at them. Most of them don't want to have a singles group and want to incorporate singles in the church but it is still nice to hook up with them to do things since we do have some more free time to go out and stuff. I've also found that sermons and other speakers will act like being married is the most important thing after college, and in a way it is, but with half the population being single, it feels like a knife in the gut when they talk that way.

Greetings from Down Under!

This is a great article and not only has it brought together women who feel excluded but I think it also offers an opportunity to women.

I just want to exhort everyone who feels like their needs are not being met to NOT leave or withdraw unless God's leading you elsewhere.

Ultimately only God can meet our needs - people and church will inevitably let you down. It's not excusing the lack of focus on diversity in women's ministries, and certainly church leaders have a role to play but we can do something too!

The greatest thing that pain offers us is the ability to relate, have compassion and empathy - YOU are the right person to make a difference. Stay in your church/ministry and raise these issues, offer to serve and change the focus or start your own group.

Most of all, take comfort - God knows and sees and feels your pain and loneliness. Give it to Him and He can turn it into something beautiful for His GLORY.

Wow! This has been so wonderful to see my experience written about by so many! I'm single never married no kids, age 36, and have felt so much more alone so many times after going to some "women's" event that was supposed to bring fellowship and encouragement. Recently I moved to a new state and even going to church itself is very painful. They are proud to say it's a "family oriented church" which is fine for some, but what about the people who need family the most? Those like me who have no family outside the church? I've been judged so much simply for moving here alone, no one can understand that, so nobody from church has tried to be my friend. Virtually everyone is married, even the 20 year olds.
I gave up and started making non christian friends and don't see the point in being hurt over and over just to please "church" people who dont even welcome me. Yeah, rather angry, you can tell. This was a big shock to me because I felt led to this place and I'm used to a variety at my old church. At my old church it was mainly the women's events that were the problem. I'm glad this stirs up ideas for having real "fellow"ship for women who are not stay at home moms.

I am amazed at how many single women out there who feel the same way I do. As a 52 year old who suddenly became a widow at age 49, I have struggled with fitting in at church activities.My church is very family oriented and while this is necessary in todays world, it leaves me feeling so alone at church and its activities. I pray continually for God to help me accept my "lot" and to find a way to use me for his good. I know he has a plan, so I continue to attend church, but find myself shying away from other church activities since I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.

It seems to me that I am always excluded, when I was singe, everyone was married, when I got married and then divorced, boy did I NOT fit in ANYWHERE. I got married again and had kids later and still did not fit in. I don't really need to learn how to be a better mom or wife at these conferences, what I want is to be a better Christian. I want to know how I can serve God better, get to know Him better and be a blessing to to others, including my husband and kids.

I'm a member of a Bible Study at my church that is wonderfully inclusive. We range in age from mid-twenties to mid-seventies, about equally split between genders, hometowns. In our suburban church the fact that we are multi-cultural is a small source of pride.
However, I went on a women's retreat several years ago. At one point, I was told how lucky I was I didn't have stress because I didn't have a husband and kids. Gee thanks, glad to know it was my imagination that made me think the full-time job, evening classes, friends, family, and three ministries at church weren't what was causing me to feel stress!
I fully support women who are married, but open your eyes a bit, we are different not less than you.

This is a very needed article! The following is true: I am married with no kids and I'm also in a "minority" group. I attend an almost all-white church in a state that has very little minorities and it has always been that way here. I do not mind that the majority are white, but many of the whites struggle to love and respect minorities here. It is indeed a very real, spiritual struggle! Hence, there are many folks here who can barely "tolerate" seeing a non-white such as myself, in a small town church in this upper Midwestern state.

Needless to say, I have stopped attending any woman's ministry function because I always feel like the "outsider". Many White Christian ladies here cloister to one another and talk around me to speak to others but rarely to me. Some have even gossiped (openly!) about the fact that I am a homemaker and do not hold an "outside" job at this time, but doesn't the Bible speak against being a busy-body?? And besides, it has no bearing on their lives whether I work outside the home or not. I simply cannot find a job at this time in this rural area that has very little jobs!

I guess I am one of those here who are "easy" targets because of the way I look. Even the woman's ministry leader - so very obviously proud of her European heritage (she has spoken of it many, many times!), made it a point to blow me off a several times when I attempted to smile and say, 'hello'! I must admit I was surprised and even bitter at first by all of this, but I realize God see's everything and He will judge people someday. If we call ourselves "Christian", then we better learn the basis for our faith: LOVE - or we are indeed in danger of judgement. It's that simple, folks.

Let's face it: Your Christianity is only as good as how WELL you treat the people you LEAST like!"

Thanks for listening.

Ladies, I know a ministry that strives to be as diverse as possible for young and old, single or married, and still be completely focused on God. It includes main speakers, more personal mini-sessions, and wonderful praise and worship music. It can be that dose of freshness needed by all of us...it is also free to attend...that "free" includes meals and lodging too...you just have to get yourself to it...contact promiseseekers@classicnet.net for the next available retreat or mini conference.

Camerin, thank you for your honesty on a matter that most of your readers can probably identify with at some time or another, myself included. However, I think we, as women, unfortunately sometimes define ourselves by our "season of life" instead of just what we all are, children of God. All of us need encouragement, love, a sence of belonging, reminded that we are not alone on this "spiritual journey", etc. I have found that when I attend a WM meeting/conference, the speaker might be addressing working moms on time management, and for myself, as an empty nester, I can still use the skills and techniques shared that will make my time stretch out a little longer on a busy day. And at the same time, I am thankful that there is a group of women who care enough, to take time out of their own busy schedules, to mentor & encourage others. I also have learned that if my specific needs are not being addressed while listening to a speaker, I probably have a friend or relative who could use the information and I try to take notes for that person and pass them along. This gets my mind off of myself and my circumstances and on others. It sounds like, while your specific needs weren't addressed during the "speaking" portion of the weekend, you were able to spend time with your mom (some of us are not as fortunate), you were able to get away from the daily grind and fellowship with other believers. Each day is a gift. What we choose to do with that gift will impact not only our life, but those around us. The Lord has made a place for all of us to "fit in" and serve Him. Anyone can send a card of encouragement, or make a phone call to a widow, or push a swing in the nursery on Sunday morning. ( I read some of your other blogs) I'm reminded of a song I sang when I was a child in Sunday School and the chorus speaks volumes "and they will know we are Christians by our love, by our love, yes they'll know we are Christians by our love". Hang in there girls!

I know it hurts to feel alone. But isn't it amazing that God sees us and our situation even when we think no one else does(it's encouraging to read the story about Sarai and Hagar,found in Genesis 16, please read all of it).

We are probably familiar with the story of Abram and when God makes him a promise, and tells him that he will have a son. Sarai his wife who is past the age of childbearing laughs when she hears the news. She offes Abram her maid Hagar so that they may have a child through her. Hagar conceives and Sarai and Hagar start having problems. Sarai treats Hagar harshly, Hagar runs away and we are now at the part of the story that I want to get to. In Genesis 16, Verses 7,11,13
It let's us know about God's Intervention in the matter.

Genesis 16:7 "And the angel of the Lord found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness,by the fountain of Shur.

V 11,"And the Angel of the Lord said, you are now pregnant and will give birth to a son. You are to name him Ishmael, for the Lord has heard your misery. and V. 13.
Thereafter, Hagar referred to the Lord who had spoken to her, as "the God who sees me" for she said,"I have seen the one who sees me!"

In closing, I will share something that may encourage some of you. Just last nite, I went along with my mother to her speaking engagement, and at the end of the service, a missionary told people to come up for prayer, I went up and the missionary told my mom to come over to me as well, and she said that I needed to know that I am loved, and that I am not alone, my mom echoed her words, and hugged and kissed me. then the missionary told me to go to where the other missionaries were standing and told me to let them embrace me as well. How could she know that I felt lonely and that I felt unloved and like I was not a part of the group(yeah I was a bit embarassed, yeah maybe I needed to die to pride- but this silent thing wasn't silent anymore)
Yes, I needed my mom's love and I guess, just to know that I was a part of the group, accepted,and cared for, part of the family and these were women from our Women's Ministry.

God saw me(He saw that hidden desire of my heart, that I just probably thought that I would just cry over every now and then)
He remembered and allowed it to be seen.

God hears and He Even Sees(even when we think it's not seen)

He does see

I certainly understand the issue here. I'm divorced--have been for more years than some young moms have been alive. I have a grown daughter. I don't fit into the mold, either. Because of this, early on in my church membership, I became involved in women's ministries--and I have stayed involved. BECAUSE, someone has to tell these Godly women when they aren't ministering to all women. We track our female demographics and to our surprise at last survey, we changed from young married non-working moms to not so young working women who may or may not be moms; but if they are, the children are not little anymore. We have been adjusting our programs accordingly and striving to reach out to all. We all must remember, however, that it is impossible to meet the needs of everyone in a single event. Events must be diversified and we must encourage all to join in even when the topic doesn't suit our particular need. It is how we learn what others need from us and it is how we serve others. Provide your thoughts and feelings to your women's ministries leadership. You may find her/them to be very receptive and supportive. She/they may be trying to do their best and may not realize how many women feel un-connected. We had a ladies night that reached out to the "un-connected" and lots of women came. It turns out that most women feel unique in some way and even those women who seem to fit in do not always feel as comfortable as they appear. Thanks for sharing; and thanks for letting me share. May God bless your relational skills at whatever stage of life you are in.

This is so very interesting. For so very long I felt alone in the Body until I really embraced why I was there. There are such a myriad of individual issues that if we miss what we go to meetings for and/or what it is we are seeking - alone time with God - we tend to focus on the wrong thing. I want to be better, feel better and get everything I can from each experience I have with the Body of Christ and I can qualify for all of the uniqueness that makes me different and I will continue to seek out those things in a conference that make us all the same. I don't know somehow it seems what I am looking for is not to identify in but to be one in the spirit with other believers. We all have different crosses to bear but a spiritual conference is not a secular one... seek the Holy Spirit and I don't think we will be alone again wherever we go... we will get exactly what we need. Just my experience.

Rev. Wanda

Where I think the problem lies partly is that at least in some communities, many people were not single and saved at the same time, therefore, they don't really understand what it is like to experience all of the feelings associated with being single and saved, and haven't really thought about the appropriate way to be empathetic. My suggestion: see where God would have you to access His grace to fulfill not just your need but the needs of others, because we are never alone in our present situtations...there is always someone we know going through the same thing.

Finally!!!!

I am 37, single(never been married), childless, African American and well educated. There is no one in my entire church of 400 members that fit in this category other than myself. I must say I have a loving church family, but I often feel inadequate. I go to singles groups where I am supposed to learn how to be celibate and wait on God. Hello... that's why I am still single! I don't need to learn how to be celebate. I haven't had sex this century! I don't need a very married person with five children telling me how to abstain. Recently two men that I dated in the past have asked me to marry them. Neither of them are Christians and both refuse to attend church! Natrually I turned them down. I wait patiently for God's blessing. Yet people talk to me as if I am a child ( even women who are younger than myself), think that I dislike children or men, or that I am desperate for a man. Worst of all, some assume that I chose a career over having a family. I love children, but most people won't let their children near me. They are very offended and treat me like a leper. They make it seem as if I am at fault for being single. I try not to be upset with them because all of society is like this. If a man is single he is a bachelor and other guys celebrate him. If a woman is single she is a spinster and is held accountable. Then we are made to feel that God has not blessed us with a mate because we still need to learn something. Do these people realize that they are saying that we are not even good enough for God to bless! I don't need the singles classes or the blaming. What I need is encouragement from persons of mature faith. On that note... Ladies there is NOTHING wrong with us. God knew that we would be single, without children, divorced or whatever when he called us to be his children in eternity past! He loves us just as we are. In His word he reminds us that He is always with us, that He will never forget us, and that we are in his thoughts. Just in case that is not enough he sends wonderful articles and reponses like the ones I have read today to brighten our lives. Isn't it wonderful to serve such an awsome God! Be encouraged.

I can only comment from my experience of being a single, now 40 year old, Christian women. I agree with many not all of the comments above. "The church" has got to figure out a way to reach a group that does seem to be invisible to the default of the church "the family." I realize reaching the needs of single women may pose a challenge, but I believe it is an area "the church" can no longer ignore. I think churches would be shocked if they looked at the amount of single women from the age of 18 to elderly. I believe it would make up a large population of the church. My church is trying to figure out how to meet the needs of single women and men of ALL ages, but it has not been easy. We are thinking about having some kind of conference, gathering or something for single women. We are not sure how to do this or even if it would be accepted, but I do believe an acknowledgement of the single Christian woman is crucial if we are not to feel like the invisible.

This topic is very close to my heart. I've done some research on this too. I found that most churches don't have the resources or people to put towards ministering to the needs of the Christian Singles. Its seems to be a stumbling block of the church. With 44-50% of people in the US earmarked as singles something needs to happen. I once asked a pastor why people do not seem to be interested in ministering to singles.He said to me that he wasn't sure why it is such a struggle for others but that for him personally he feels that there needs to be a calling in someone's life to minister to the singles. And then that person needs to choose to be obey and act on that obedience. He also said that perhaps people are intimidated to reach out to singles because of the vast types of singles-never been married,divorced, widow & widowers,singles w/children.

I do believe that you need to be called to minister to singles but I dont necessary believe that it should be someone that is married. I think it would be a good idea that maybe a couple would pastor the group but have other group leaders -some from each type of singledom.

Here are some questions for you:
Have you ever been in a service when the pastor asked for the fathers and their children to come up to front?And then he asked for their mothers to join? Did you look around? What did you see?

While you are single, what are you doing with your time?Are you serving the body?What is your focus-your singleness or allowing God to use you to reach others?

I'm 30 years old and 2 years ago I found the love of God in Jesus and I broke up with my fiancee because he was not a (real) believer. Since then, I'm waiting for the one from God. The first year was a relief to be single, but little by little I started to see myself belonging to the group of the "single adults".
In my church I recognize that we are a "spectacle" for the others, almost seen as "losers".
I notice, though, that a certain exaggeration from some married women in stating so strongly that they are happy and fulfilled is that in reality they are not. The really godly couples are so discrete and even share this hard time with us, they seem to understand how important it is to wait for the Lord, so that we can have our character transformed.
Now, those who scream their "christian politically correct" status of being married having children are normally the ones that everybody (no exception) flees from (their company).
My sister who is happily married has never made me feel bad or given the impression of being in a better situation (as if the grace of God would have reached her and not me). She got married at the age of 21! It means, it is exactly her satisfaction and the fact that she is really aware of the spiritual things that makes her understand my situation (not because she's been through the same situation).
Once I travelled to the beach with a single friend, she is also a christian. We had such a great time and when we got back, that "happy" married ones did not want to see the pictures or even listen to our funny stories...
It is also hard to be willing to have a great time with friends, but having to take care of a husband, house and children. As a consequence they try to convince the church that they are in a better position...I've seen this human behaviour in so many areas.
Also the fact that they don't have the chance to meet the "prince" they dreamed about, not knowing that their husbands will turn into this prince in 10 or 20 years, with their help.
But for us, single and waiting, we have the chance to meet someone "ideal", let us say...God knows all the things, it can happen, or not (i.e., it may take a while).

The ones who are filled with the Holy Spirit are always thinking about the others. Therefore, the ones who "forget" us or make us feel invisible are the ones who need prayer and help. They are desperate and need to be conforted.

As for our families, I believe that we can have hope and dream.
Sometimes I think that my husband simply does not exist. But then the word of God comes and gives me hope:
Romans 4:17 God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were.

Let us occupy our minds and hearts with hope and dreams, good ones, and because they are so good, pleasing and perfect, we will praise God.

In the end it was all about that anyway :o)

God bless you sisters!

Van

I understand the invisible woman syndrome but perhaps in a different way. I was married at the time and my daughter went to a local Catholic school (this is in Australia). She was I thought accepted into this school despite the fact that she was not Baptized.

I thought too that they were willing to accept all comers. Also I was not a Catholic. It quickly became clear to me that the acceptance I believed was there really wasn't. Any kind of acceptance was contingent on my daughter and by extension myself becoming Catholic. I felt that my needs were second in line. I was being pushed into something I was not ready for. I started to understand the only thing that was important to them was the proselytizing. Whatever I wanted was invisible to them. In effect I was invisible and this extended to my daughter.

I think the effect this has had on me is to be a religious person without a religion. That's OK. The only affirmation I need is my own and that of my family. If I had a religion? It would be to believe utterly in the goodness we can extend to each other. Simply kindness.

I feel SO alone as Christian woman. My woman's group is made up of wonderful women of God. But, I don't have children and I'm disabled. So, since most of them can't identify with that, it's very lonely. I don't even attend any women's group at church any more. I have several online woman friends who are Christian, but it's not the same as having someone to share with HERE.

I go a church in a surburb of Atlanta. It has
a singles Sunday School Class. Most of
the members are women that have
been married and that are single Moms.
It has been interesting to hear of these
folks and their struggles with their children.
It seems that in todays suburban society
churches need to reach out to women
in the surburbs in the cul de sacs that need
ministering to.
If one goes to a church that has a singles
ministry find out more about it and support
it and ask what can you do.

I have read some of the comments and
find them interesting. Being single in
a singles class of woman with children
is very lonely. I find I cannot relate having
never been married and not having children.Many Churches seem to be oriented towards young couples with
children. This is hard to understand as
if church membership is declining why
not go after single people too. I didn't feel
part
of a church for many years because of
the lack of the churches responsiveness
towards singles in general.
There was one Presbyterian
Church in Atlanta that had a Singles Sunday School Class and if it still existed
could be used as a model. It was
called SCIONS. Serving Christ in One
New Spirit.Could it be that churches
need to aquire a new spirit towards
singles.

Thanks for this article...at least I don't feel so alone. A previous post mentioned the pain of Mothers Day. I gave up going to church on Mother's Day when one year, the pastor asked all the mothers to stand. They then each received a long-stemmed red rose. I barely made it out before the tears came and I cried all the way home, vowing that God would just have to forgive me for not going to church anymore on that day. I'm 42 and never thought I'd be alone and childless, working 2 jobs I don't like just to survive. My church's singles group is for those in their 20's and 30's...and I'm not yet old enough for the senior citizens group. The women's group is something I used to attend before I worked so much, but to be honest, none of those acquaintances I made from it were becoming deep friendships, mostly because of a lack of anything in common. I'm also an outsider because I'm not from this area (I moved here 4 years ago hoping to find a better job- bad choice!). I just keep hoping that as the church grows, maybe more childless single people will come that are over 35, but younger than 50.

Last week I attended a women's conference and actually came away feeling more alienated and discouraged. How can this be? I immediately blamed myself, but then began to look more closely at the issues.

Christian women's groups are much like those in the world. There tend to be cliques and invariably, some women are left on the fringe. I'm a professional Christian woman who has a graduate degree. I'm not interested in how to fix my hair, or how to use my slow cooker more effectively!

I long for fellowship with women who have similar interests. However, I have yet to find that depth of fellowship.

When it comes to faith and wanting to belong in/to a congregation; it's difficult sometimes. To forget yourself and see the others would seem to be a reasonably good solution. Some days it really doesn't. The church sometimes seems to be concentrated on kids and teens.As a result some days I feel isolated.. Mothers talk about Their family, children school activities. I have been married, divorced and my son lived in Africa, taken there by his father. In 16 years I lived in sorrow. It was difficult at the end of sundays after hearing all about children .. Sometimes I long to be just me, instead of having a "stamp". Sometimes I just sing:"His eye is on the sparrow, and He watches over me"...

When it comes to faith and wanting to belong in/to a congregation; it's difficult sometimes. To forget yourself and see the others would seem to be a reasonably good solution. Some days it really doesn't. The church sometimes seems to be concentrated on kids and teens.As a result some days I feel isolated.. Mothers talk about Their family, children school activities. I have been married, divorced and my son lived in Africa, taken there by his father. In 16 years I lived in sorrow. It was difficult at the end of sundays after hearing all about children .. Sometimes I long to be just me, instead of having a "stamp". Sometimes I just sing:"His eye is on the sparrow, and He watches over me"...

Looking at all who commented on this topic leads me to believe this is a HUGE problem! I live in a small town, was widowed suddenly 3 years ago at 49, and have struggled to find my place. I tried to start a singles group, but felt totally inept at this. So, I trudge along, feeling so lonely at church. I am going to a women's retreat next month and I am dreading it, wondering if I will again feel lonely in a group of 30,000 or so women! Hopefully all this awareness of the problem will start to change. I keep praying! God Bless all of you who struggle with this.

Just want to congratulate the above women for expressing themselves as so many are silent about their views.

God Bless you all
Lura Ann

Thank you for the article - and the responses. It helps to know that I am not alone. Yes, I really like the church that I attend and learn so much each week; however, I attend services weekly and after almost eight years, feel so alone at times. I, too, don't fit into the "family-focused" church programs being in my late 30s, never-married and having no kids. Yes, I have a lot of acquaintances and yes, I am in leadership, but even still, I don't feel like I am a part of the whole. And trying to start a "singles" group is a joke - trust me, I've tried...and said, "Never again!" I've even thought about going to a church with a single's ministry, but after reading the feedback, there's really no point. Again, thanks for the article - and the feedback.

I worked in secular and then, Christian, broadcasting for 14 years. You wisely picked up on the fact that it's a demographic slant, not a cut-down for single, Christian women.

As cynical as it sounds, they do this to make sure they can get a big enough audience to pay back their investment.

This has been a growing issue in American churches as many are geared like this (towards families..and women) because of statistics and demographics.

Single women (like me) aren't the only ones to feel left out. Men struggle also with churches and radio station play lists geared towards women. (I've rarely heard men singing along with "Watercolor Ponies" and "Butterfly Kisses". ;-) )

However, the Christian station I worked at did what they could to start the trend to be more inclusive. My boss featured a single mom with her kids in their flyer.

P.S. Right on, Nora! Thanks for your attitude of choosing to bloom where you're planted!

As well, for all of you that are single, you're doing an awesome job with your place in life and the church. :-)

I can relate in an odd way. I am a baby boomer. Guess what, we are not included as much as you might think. Our church has a single group, and a young married, well, up to age 49 I guess group. The rest of us are just there. Oh, they are starting a WEd study for the rest of us who arent in groups. It really makes me sad and angry that as we get older we become more invisible. What happened to the younger being supported by the oder. They don't want it any more as they are "educated" women. Also, I am married but my husband does not come to church at all so that puts me out of the "couples' events. Sometimes demographics in church does more harm than good. Thanks

I applaud this women for speaking up clearly about this topic. The truth is the inside of church looks amazingly like the outside of church and trying to say we are different because we beleive in Christ is meaningless without actions. This discussion has merit because we are ineffective as Christians if we behave no differently than those who do not believe.

I know that "alone, invisible" feeling too, altho I am married, age 48, with four kids.

I live in a rural, predominantly blue collar county where anyone with a college degree is seen as an alien, an intruder. We moved here six years ago and we're still considered "new" and therefore suspect. At church, the natives all circle the wagons in their comfy, "us-only" cliques. They they don't want anyone new coming in and messing things up, thank you very much!

This is the only place I've ever lived where well-educated, articulate Christians are viewed as either Martians or the perpetrators of some heinous crime.

Yes, I feel this way all the time. I have even felt this way around other "singles" which prompted me to form my own group for single women. Wow! What a shame that this problem is not being addressed in the church. We need a revival. Only God's spirit can show people how to treat others.

I'm a Christian woman, or at least I try to be. I just turned 45 yesterday. Never married, no kids. I have a very respectable job. I don't get out much actually at all. It seems to me like most people are married or at least were at some point. I'm scared I've missed out on one of life's most important experiences, a family. I just wonder if there is anyone else out there in the same situation. I have noone in my position to talk about this with. My married family and friends say "you're better off". "you don't need kids". Any feedback would be appreciated.

It looks like you've touched a nerve, which is sort of comforting to me. I have long felt invisible in my church. I'm 26 and I've never been married... this is not the life I'd envisioned for myself. I always figured I'd be married by the time I was 20 or so, but it hasn't worked out that way. Thank you for this article... it's so nice to know that I'm not alone in this loneliness.

In spite of being a wife and mother, I can relate to this. My mother, widowed at 58, began attending a new church when she was about 60, and was completely invisible. My husband and I visited her two years later and met an elder there, who made a beeline after church to introduce himself to us. We said we were visiting my mother, and he introduced himself to her as well! It was not a large church, but he had never bothered himself to get to know a single, older woman.
I'm also really bothered by the trend of "homeschool churches," which by definition are based around a nuclear family.
And yet, when you read the Bible, you see many single, older women who are singled out for praise/attention by God (ex Mary & Martha, widow with her mite, Anna in the temple, numerous examples of barren women, Miriam (career woman of sorts), etc)
Great post, and obviously a timely topic.

I have often thought that church is the loneliest place in the world! I wish there was some way to get past that horrible feeling after the Sunday morning service as the families and couples are making their lunch plans together without including a single man or woman. Many times those plans were made in my presence, by people who love me, and I was still left to walk to my car alone, desperately trying to ignore the ache in my heart for companionship. Some weeks it is easier just to stay home than to navigate the "family-friendly" world of church.

You, too? I thought this had to be only me! *insert sarcasm*

Ditto to everything Carmen has to share in the article. Thank you for being brave enough to say it!

Kudos to TCW for printing it!

GRRR...to everyone who says, "Bloom where you are planted." or "It's not about you...serve others, and God will bless you."

If it were that "easy", don't you think those of us who are never-married and childless in our 30's or 40's and in church since the womb would have "fixed" the problem?

I love Jesus with all my heart, but I've grown to hate going to church. Who needs the pain?

I'm glad to read this article. I have been churchgoing all my life, saved at age twelve when I first heard the salvation message, educated in a Christian college, faithful in marriage, a devoted mother, a teacher, a volunteer, and considered to be "too nice" to people who misbehave. I'm modest and considered friendly and attractive, hardworking and pleasant. But, I today I cringe at the thought of going to church or women's meetings. Here's why:

I married someone who on the exterior was an ideal mate, but he was abusive and selfish. He had affairs, beat me, and forced me to change my major in college from premed to education. I love kids and wanted peace, so I complied. He did that because people teased him about my doing better in school. I helped him get into medical school in various ways.

Eventually, he tried to kill me when I stated that I wanted to talk to the pastor about the physical abuse and that I was becoming overwhelmed with depression, though I do not have a depressive personality. He was afraid that he would get kicked out of medical school, and so he tried to kill me.

Well, I escaped. I didn't even think of calling the police. I stayed pure but was often treated very poorly in church as now I was divorced. Mind you, he divorced me to marry a woman he'd gotten pregnant. I was also considered very, very attractive, and many married women resented the unwanted attention I got from the men in the church. Remember, I was modest, and I was friendly but never, ever flirtatious. I was rejected by these women, and men would talk to me about business, or I'd talk to the elderly people. When I had been married, people fawned on me because I was safely married and to a medical student!

My child was also very friendly, attractive, happy....and very busy. He is now a brilliant, easy-going teenager with scholarships flung toward him left and right. The girls love him though he doesn't go after them, the teachers love him, older people love him, etc. But, when he was young, I was verbally battered left and right for not spanking him. Spanking was the only solution to a very busy, adventurous kid it seems. Men left and right would try to intimidate my son, and women would "tsk, tsk" me and advise me left and right. But, their kids were often rebellious behind their backs. Mine was just busy.

I kept going to church year after year, sometimes hearing from the pastor that if I were married, people would accept me, or if I were married to a well-off man, people would accept me. Because my son was so far ahead and so busy, I had to home school him. So, instead of making good money as I had come to do before in high tech, I nearly starved to take care of my child. Even homeschoolers tended to criticize me, but they didn't know me. They just assumed that I was less than them, and once I was told that they "let" me come to the church because they "forgive sinners." This was a reference to my being divorced.

I moved to the buckle of the Bible belt and was told by the school that I couldnt' put my son in gifted classes because they didn't know me and homeschooled kids could not keep up. I put him in another town's school, and he beat our town's kids at everything in academic competitions. Our church had lots of fun things for kids, but the pastor and his family ran everything, and when I suggested that we have a mentoring program for boys that didn't have male role models, they told me my son could wait until he was a teenager in youth group, even after I told them my son was so despondent about having no male role model. This was after a "Bringing Up Boys" seminar led by the pastor's daughter. She had gone on and on about how we have to invest in our boys. I was told that it would be a "liability" for the church, even if for fifteen minutes and I was present for my son to be mentored.

I got cancer and put my son in school. Sorry this is out of order. The pastor told me he was going to stab my hand with a pencil because I couldn't make it to church several times a week anymore. I was also working fulltime and helping my son adapt to school.

When I had a biopsy earlier, the sunday school class prayed for God to "help her with all her problems." They were referring to money problems when I was homeschooling and my town wouldn't properly place my child. He was too far ahead to put in regular classes. Another woman had the same type of biopsy, but they had a church wide laying on of hands for her, an hour long meeting to pray for her.

No one called or came when I had cancer. I needed lots of help transporting my son to and from school, making meals, cleaning, mowing, just going through medical bills. No one came. No one called. Finally, I had so little energy the doctor told me to quit work. But, I had no other means of support, so I stayed working. He told me to stop everything else. So, I did. My house became layered with things, my child did his own laundry and cooking and did the grocery shopping and brought me water when I needed it. My boss was sexually harrassing me, and I lost my job when I reported this quietly to his boss.

I took us to a different church, and the kept saying they would help us, though I declined. Finally, I said they could, and they wanted to know all my financial business. I had medical bills. They lambasted me for "not paying my bills." They ordered me to put my house up for sale that day and they would let me live with my son in someone's basement. They said I had no business living in a house of my own when I had bills. I heard they were worried about me being a drain on them because I had not been donating much money to support the pastor in this small, inward church.

I went to a large church and when I asked for help with a church member who was pushing me for a relationship and was calling my house when drunk, the pastor took up for the man and scolded me as "making trouble."

I went to other churches but knew no one and was exhausted. I stopped going. My son had seen how I'd been treated and questioned whether God loved us. He is still sweet and loyal, and I know he believes in God, but he is wary. In my several attempts to get him a mentor, no church ever was willing to provide even minimal mentoring. My son is a favorite among teachers and even has a very responsible job where he can make enough money to pay our mortgage in about fifteen hours. He is well liked, but no church had time for him.

As a single mom, I have been left out of gatherings where families get together because I have no man beside me. When I have attended sunday school classes for parents of kids of a certain age, I was told to go to the singles class, though I am a parent of a child.

It's as though married people with kids, even if they have sordid backgrounds, think that they own the church and get to decide if anyone who is "different" meaning not in their category will be accepted. Where in the Bible does God say that only average married people with kids belong in the church and hold the keys?

I am so happy to have found this! I'm 36, single and have no children. I have felt so bad about myself and couldn't imagine anyone else in my position.

I would love to start a singles group for women in my area outside the church, so we can speak freely about our common experiences. Any thoughts about how to do that?

I know how it feels to be isolated in a place that is suppose to be home. It seems that everyone has their own cliques and I haven't been able to find where I belong.....even as the " normal " mother of five children and married, but I am 34 and I like right in the middle. I have always been a black sheep, not ever fitting the mold of anyone's ideals. I live my life spiritually, but I also thrive with a thrist to learn more. Isolation is a barrier within the church that shouldn't remain, but we have to keep in mind the members are still only human. and that is ashame for so many wonderful gifts come from those in the shadows of the Wings of Our Father.

been dating a christian divorcee of 1 for over two years now. Am i wrong for feeling empty. we have talked of marriage and nothing is taking place. am i wrong for having a deadline. Confused.

Thank you for sharing this. Hearing perspectives like yours and others like you can help open the eyes of those of us in the ministry. I wish people would speak up more to their directors. Their director may not even be aware or thinking about it, esp if they are in the "young mommy" stage.

All these horrible, horrible, stories. People, why do you allow yourself to be stepped on and abused like this? Anyone who would treat a fellow churchwoman like this is not a Christian. I don't care what you say. There is no excuse for it, and anyone who would stay in such an abusive situation for more than two minutes-sorry, but you are not doing God's will. You are allowing yourself to be abused. You are a child of God, and He does NOT want you to put up with being abused.

As a man (Please don't hit me for being here) I am sort of surprised that there are so many women who related to this story.

It sounds very much like my story as a single 43 year old man who has only come across 2 single Christian women my age in the church, neither fit for authentic Christ centered living.

Thus, like many of you women, I often find myself in retreats with young married men and young married men with kids and I have no clue how to relate to them.

I also relate to your stories of finding a big gap within the churches of all denominations for older singles to connect and make friends with the same gender and marital status.

I think the solution is in part this. If you see a need, and there are others like you, then do something to fullfill the need within the church - it doesn't have to be "connected" to your church if your leaders are blind to the needs.

I'm so encouraged to find this blog, and have experienced many of the same things as the folks who have posted comments. I'm married (was in my 40s when we 'got hitched') and do not have children, we have 2 God-Daughters who are great Blessing. Does anyone know of a Facebook group, or other 'virtual' association or organization for women without children? Because there is - seems like - a need for a resource, am prayerfully considering starting a group either thru FAcebook or similar, or in my town. Feedback, ideas welcome! Blessings, Jill