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March 12, 2012It’s Awkward
Sometimes God uses the most uncomfortable situations to remind us of who we really are—and who he really is.
A few weeks ago, I got together with my old college roommates. We do this every few months, and have ever since we graduated four years ago. The odd part about this particular weekend was that this time around I felt like an odd duckling.
You see, my friends are all married now—and I’m single. They’re looking into buying houses with their husbands; I’m just trying to pay my rent every month. They’ve made the leap to adopt dogs and cats; I’m still nervous about killing my new office plant, Alan (yes, that is his name). And soon, they’ll start having babies, and I will be not one, not two, not three, but four steps away from the path their lives have taken them down.
I sat in silence as they discussed what they did for Valentine’s Day with their husbands. I smiled and nodded through extensive discussions about how excited they are to begin decorating their new homes. And when asked, I tried my best to make my dating life sound much more exciting than it actually is. While they listened intently, seeing dating in your 20s as mysterious, dramatic, and just like the movies, I felt like the circus freak friend who still couldn’t get her act together long enough to commit.
The change I felt in my friendships was odd and unexpected. Suddenly I didn’t know how to relate to these girls whom I stayed up with until 3 a.m. all through college, running to Target in our pajamas to buy Ben&Jerry’s. We have so many memories together. They shaped who I am today, and I’m grateful they’re in my life. But being around them made me feel weird.
As a matter of fact, I spent much of the weekend feeling out of place and awkward.
As I drove home, thinking back over the weekend, I realized it wasn’t only awkwardness I felt. If I had to admit it, I also felt grateful.
I’m happy for my friends. They have wonderful husbands and I’m proud of them for the commitments they’ve made. But I didn’t drive home feeling envious of their lives; I drove home feeling content over how thankful I am for my current place in life. I like—nay—love, being single. And I know I’m not ready to be married.
It occurred to me that God doesn’t allow us all to tread down the same path at the exact same time. He holds us back, he spins us around, and sometimes he pushes us forward into new places and forces us to cut down bushes and forge our own paths.
For them, that means planning and waiting on new houses and future babies and all sorts of wonderful things.
For me, it means exploring this world on my own for a while. And now that I know myself a bit more, I think that’s a good thing. I probably would have been miserable if I’d gotten married right out of college, and God knew that before I did. Growing over the last few years has brought me back to who I really am: a girl who loves art and music and people and writing and chocolate and lost souls and Harry Potter.
In this “awkward in-between time,” God keeps showing me that he can take care of me better than anyone else. When I needed a job, God provided. When I was lonely and prayed for friends in Illinois, God gave me some of the most incredible men and women I’ve ever met.
Of course, I’d be lying if said I don’t feel like I’m waiting, a little, for the next phase. Singleness isn’t as exciting as my married friends seem to think, and there’s nothing glamorous about painful first dates or getting your heart broken. But I’ve learned to stop trying to push my life forward, and to start loving the here and now. In a twisted way, I’ve learned to love this awkward phase, because most of the time it’s downright funny and makes for great stories.
God’s timing is perfect. And right now he sees fit to use the version of me that has an undivided heart.
So who am I to argue with God’s logic?
The sad thing is, I see a lot of single, Christian women (and men, for that matter) who live with the mentality that they’re at a bus stop, waiting impatiently for the marriage bus to whisk them to their happily ever after. They seem bored and unhappy, but I suppose anyone would be, spending their lives on a hard, wooden bench by the curb, day after day. It’s no way to live. It’s a waste. I think it might even be a sin.
God tells us in Jeremiah 29:11 that he knows the plans he has for us. His plans are not to hurt us, but to give us hope and wholeness and a future. And with that promise, I’m given the freedom to live everyday as an adventure, and more important, to live in the present. I no longer have to wonder anxiously when the next step is going to happen, or if it will be the right one. God knows. He knows me, and he knows his plan. And that’s all that matters.
Although I might be at an awkward stage, it’s in those awkward stages that we do the most growing. Physically, it’s how we move from childhood to adulthood. Spiritually, I think it’s the same.
What is your awkward stage right now? Are you waiting for something? Is it holding you back from living to the fullest?
Comments
I wonder if I'm alone in feeling that there never really is an end to feeling like you're living in an "awkward in-between time!"
It may be most easily understandable and obvious in your situation, Ashley, but I'm almost 50 and still wondering if I'm meant to do something more or something else, despite being a very happily married wife and mother.
I have to keep reminding myself that life is a journey, and the key is to enjoy the ride and make it productive. I think you have the right idea in appreciating all the good things about where you are now, while looking forward to what the future holds -- sort of a "bloom where you're planted" sort of attitude.
Posted By: Jeanmarie | March 13, 2012 1:03 PM
Being in this stage will actually prepare you oftentimes for when you do get married and have children. I speak from my 22 years of married life. It's a wonderful time to experience God as your "husband" which is a rare opportunity even for seasoned believers.
Posted By: Anonymous | March 16, 2012 10:09 PM
Thanks for sharing your story. I just spent a weekend with some wonderful friends and felt the same way you describe in your story. However, we're all married (or have been married) with children, so that wasn't where my awkwardness derived. To be honest, I can't really describe where my awkwardness came from. It may have been a spiritual awkwardness (because we all spend time with Christ in different ways), or it could've simply been that we've outgrown each other.
Posted By: Rhonda | March 19, 2012 7:32 AM
Thank you for sharing this story, Ashley. My place in life is being a mom. For a long time, I wasn't willing to be a parent, and even when I felt God nudging me to give up control and trust Him I did so very begrudgingly! Now I have two children. I love them, and I'm glad I trusted God enough to let Him be in control. But unlike the majority of my friends, being a mom wasn't on my list of things I really wanted to do - that creates some awkwardness. And there's more when they all LOVE playgroups and hanging out at each others' houses for half a day, and I am ready to leave after 30 minutes. I spent most of my adult life doing youth ministry - it's all but impossible for me now, which is really hard to deal with. Most of my youth ministry colleagues don't have kids, so it can be really awkward. People ask "how are you? how are your kids?" and I go into this whole explanation of how "so-and-so didn't sleep well and I was up all night doing such and such, so I'm really bleary-eyed today... oh, you mean the high schoolers, huh?" And then I feel a little ridiculous and like I've over-shared! oops!
I find myself anxious for the kids to get older, be a little more independent, get into school, etc. so that I can go back to doing the things I love - hanging out with teens, spending time with my husband, talking about something other than how to get the kids to sleep better or picking up toys from under the couch... But I am also convicted almost daily that these moments with the kids will never happen again. My son will grow out of the hilarious ways that he plays, my daughter will soon be running pell-mell behind her brother. I won't have enjoyed them enough if I am always looking forward. There are lots of things I won't miss, and probably even more that I will struggle to remember in a few years. I have to remind myself that these kids are the mission God has given to me for now, and that someday it will be their friends my heart breaks for, and that it's ok for me to forge a different path through parenting than every single other person I know. So, like you, I'm more happy to be in this place than I wish I was more like all my friends.
Posted By: Surrounded but lonely | March 19, 2012 2:52 PM
Well, I guess you could say I'm at an awkward stage, too. At 58 and never married, my old girlfriends are now talking about the joys of being grandmas.
Posted By: Kathy | March 19, 2012 8:58 PM
I think life is full of awkward stages, God's way of stretching us out of our comfort zones and comfort relationships. New or different times and situations in life call for new relationships or friendships. Not that we have to completely give up on old friendships, but to gain new ones with different perspectives and wisdom. Good article.
Posted By: jb | March 22, 2012 12:36 PM
LEARNING in whatsoever state I am therewith to be content; REMEMBERING that each season/stage of life, chronological or natural, has its challenges, beauty, lessons, and boundaries (at least in most parts of the world!);TRUSTING that His plans are indeed for a future and a hope!
Posted By: ldtc | March 24, 2012 6:19 PM
Yes each season or stage brings different challenges, lessons and opportunities for growth. I need to look outward and upward not so much inward and backward.
Posted By: jb | March 27, 2012 11:35 AM
i am envious i try not to be but i am its true. its because somethings come so EASILY to some and so difficult for others. i've always been different odd woman out and this is no different. i hate it actually what i used to revel in being not like those girls now i secretly long for, not so much marriage i have had relationships that never worked, but being chosen. there is something special about belonging to chosen and being chosen. i have know rejection as some people will never know and knowing that someone desires me and want me, more than being married, b/c i guess that doesnt really matter to me as much. If i had and was equip to be a wife im sure i would be. But so far God hasn't made me that way and im cool with that. on somedays. i suppose i should not be jealous of what GOD does in someone else's life, but married ladies PLEASE remember your enept sisters and try not to GLOAT. :)
Posted By: p | May 17, 2012 2:02 PM
Some of your readers have already hit the nail on the head, I believe, when they say "In WHATEVER circumstances...I am content"-etc.
As a former Pastor I can 'counsel' that part of getting the victory in life is to "BE THE BEST IN THE SEASON YOU ARE IN".
You will have seasons. We all will. The obvious choice is what YOU "do" with/in those seasons.
Some of your readers may be encouraged by the following article, as well:
"Mountaintops and Valleys"
http://christianarticlesoffaith.com/?p=5059
-Whoops, gotta' run!. . .
. . I see some clouds coming in over that mountain
-so I've learned that that means "it's time to draw NEAR TO HIM and pray" . . .
(Amen?)
Posted By: Hugh | August 11, 2012 7:14 PM