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« How Great a Father’s Love | Main | Hope in Advent »
November 17, 2010The Most Romantic Thing My Husband Ever Said to Me
I happened to be throwing up at the time.
We have funny ideas about romance. We think of it as candlelight, being showered in gifts, and a stolen kiss. That may be sort-of romantic, but at my age those things have worn kind of thin. And I think they have for a lot of people.
Take Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, for instance. He’s probably the most romantic figure in fiction. Women hold him up as the ideal that they’re looking for. But what is he like? For most of the story he’s cold, distant, and insulting. He certainly never does the candlelight and gift thing. He doesn’t even steal a kiss! But he’s a man of action. When it comes right down to it, he moves heaven and earth for the one he loves at great cost and inconvenience to himself.
And isn’t that what we all ultimately want? Someone who has our backs and will be there when we really need them?
The dictionary defines romance as: Ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people. I like that definition. One of the most romantic things my husband ever said to me was when I was puking my guts out after an airline flight. Feeling like the scum of the world, I apologized that I’d once again put a damper on our trip by getting airsick (for about the 3,000th time). His response? “You’re the bravest person I know.” In that moment, I felt an ardent emotional attachment that was much greater than if he’d bought me 10 dozen roses and suitcases full of candy.
So what’s the key to having an ardent emotional attachment and involvement? I can think of at least five things.
1. You have to set aside time together. Regularly make a date to get away from jobs, ministry, kids, and the phone. If you’re living in the same house and never interacting, that isn’t ardent emotional attachment.
2. Become each other’s warrior and defender. Stick up for each other in front of the kids, in front of extended family, and in front of your friends. That doesn’t mean that you don’t see the other’s faults and face them, but do that privately after much prayer and thought. On a daily basis, make a commitment to build that person up whenever possible.
3. Return blessings for arrows. Whenever possible, return kindness for unkindness. Not only will it improve your marriage, but it will make you more Christ-like.
4. Talk about everything. If you’re afraid to talk to your spouse about how you really feel about something, you won’t feel an ardent emotional attachment. You’ll feel that you’re placating him so that you don’t have a blow out. That will end up feeling like walking on eggshells after a while. I’d rather see a couple have a shouting match about something they disagree on than refuse to talk about it at all. Every once in a while, my husband and I have a good old yelling match, which lets us know how strongly we’re feeling about the subject, then we calm down and really talk about it.
5. Sincerely desire the other person’s best. Most times that I’m angry with my husband, it’s because I didn’t get my way. When I step back and think about how I can help him be everything he can be in Christ, I feel a lot more compassion for him—indeed I feel an ardent emotional attachment that I would call romance.
What about you? What do you think romance truly is?
Comments
I am not married and I dont know much about marriage but from my experience in relationships so far - Definitely this is one of the best advices anybody can ever give. In addition, this is a test of true love. I pray that for myself and all those I know.
Posted By: tigist | November 18, 2010 7:00 AM
The most romantic, loving thing my husband ever said to me was "Just keep sleeping honey, I'll go clean up the kid and the vomit." ha, ha. Actually I really like your list of marriage tips. I'm married nearly 30 years and still find we have to take risks to share ourselves with each other.
Posted By: Sheri | November 20, 2010 5:35 AM
I found this site very help because often we value material things and consider them a sign of of romance not knowing that its the little things that count
Posted By: Tinashe muskwe | November 22, 2010 9:52 AM
Well said!
Posted By: Jane Hoppe | November 27, 2010 1:13 PM
This was a great article! The 5 keys listed are hard to do, but with maturity, it can be accomplished. If young women would learn these things to start off with in their marriages, there would probably be a lot less divorce. Recently, I stood up for my husband when his "estranged" step daughter put him down. She has no use for me and decided to cut me off, as well as him, but I hope that someday she will see that I am right about her father....
Posted By: Ruth Basaldua | November 30, 2010 7:12 AM
I love this!! Thanks for reminding everyone that real romance is much deeper than material gifts. Good job JoHannah.
Posted By: Debbie Jansen | November 30, 2010 11:56 AM
Thank you thank you!!!
Posted By: Lerato Motse | December 2, 2010 7:06 AM
This is VERY important and much needed information!!
Posted By: Christina Smith | December 2, 2010 4:10 PM
The ultimate--sacrificing oneself for the good of the spouse. Sounds a lot like my favorite scripture-Romans 12- of lettings ourselves be transformed, and of doing wservice... if it was someone who was financially poor, then a material gift is of ultimate sacrifice--for most of us-it's doing these ''gross'' tasks, or doing something that involves effort and/or sacrifice of our own agenda. This witness story says it VERY well. Thank you. May it penetrate me.
Posted By: Joe S | December 2, 2010 4:47 PM
When my wife says she'll do the dishes! haha. no not really.
I think it's all about selflessness. Jesus' greatest example was how selfless he was and His extraordinary love for everyone else around him.
My wife is the most selfless person i know and i think it's romantic because she does so much for me when i'm so selfish - i don't deserve it.
Posted By: matt kocaj | December 2, 2010 7:00 PM
I like what Joe S said. I am wore out from doing things that are considered good fruits for my husband only to get the comment that I am lazy. Not very romantic for sure!
Posted By: Bobbi | December 2, 2010 7:45 PM
Very true indeed. I like the comments by Joe S and true, I realise my mistakes of being lazy whereas my wife is selfless and has so much for. God bless.
Posted By: Aubrey Talasasa | December 2, 2010 10:45 PM
This is excellent. As a divorced person I can attest to the lack of #1, #2, and #4 as major contributors to the demise of our marriage. We co-existed in a house and he refused to talk. After 10 years of praying and begging him to go to counseling, I left. I am happier and our kids respect me (he never stood up for me in front of the kids.) It is very sad that it turned out this way - singles out there be warned... if the guy doesn't talk in courtship, he will REALLY clam up in marriage and you will be lonely and miserable. You can't work things out if he won't talk. And if you think you can change him, dream on!
Posted By: beebee | December 2, 2010 11:18 PM
This so true. I was married for 5 years and on my 6th year things started to go wrong, we just drifted apart. 1,2&4 are the ultimate in marriage. I will defnately foward this to my sister as she is now engaged.
Posted By: Nondumiso | December 3, 2010 2:15 AM
Thank you very much for this teaching, it is great for those of us that not yet married, I beleive that God shall use this teaching prepare us in our homes, as in to make a good home by the grace of God.
Posted By: MARY | December 3, 2010 2:58 AM
Your words and advise are true wisdom. I am 57 years old and my husband and I have been married 4 yrs. At our age...the usual romantic things are nice but to me...a kind word, a soft touch, holding hands taking a walk etc. A kidn and gentle compliment is sweet and more memorable than flowers or candy etc. The ultimate romantic gesture is reading scripture together. God always allows me to feel closer to my spouse during that time.
Posted By: Rose | December 3, 2010 5:41 AM
This is very encouraging...I have been married 5 months now, great way to start off...thanks a bunch...keep the articles coming in...younger women, glean from the older ones and older ones r being a good example!!!!God bless
Posted By: Norma | December 3, 2010 6:22 AM
Wow! that's encouraging. I'm not marries as yet, but with my relationship, i can test to this romance.U c is not all about material things, but the encouraging words that we say to each other, the quality time spent together and just the being there for each other every time we really need each other is what keeps us going and keeps a relationship alive, not forgetting Christ is the ultimate leader. with marriage on the next list in my life, i am really looking forward to spending a great life with the one i love. an encouragement to all.
Posted By: Ms. Charles | December 3, 2010 6:36 AM
I think this is a wonderful article. I'm going to print this out and save it. We will celebrate our 1st anniversary this New Year's Eve - second marriage for both of us. My husband is very romantic and open about his feelings for me and I feel very blessed to have him. The most romantic thing he has ever told me was "a thousand men may love you, but none will love you the way that I do". He is a good friend, father, and husband and most importantly he is a good person. My last marriage was a cold and lonely place due to my first husband's refusal to participate in the marriage. I am much happier now and grateful for a second chance to love and BE LOVED in return.
Posted By: Jennifer | December 3, 2010 7:24 AM
its great God bless.
Posted By: sarah | December 3, 2010 7:55 AM
Great,food for thot.Hope i can translate it to practical,im sure it would workwonders
Posted By: Adeola | December 3, 2010 8:22 AM
I don"t agree with the your first statement. My wife like to do all the little things such as the stolen kisses, gifts, holding hands etc. But all of the other advice for marriages is great
Posted By: Wilbert | December 3, 2010 8:41 AM
Romance is all the traditional things - hearts and flowers and carefully-chosen gifts, plus respect and open admiration, but for me kindness and integrity are on the top of the list. When my husband tells me he will do something, his words are completely meaningless. He follows through about 25% of the time, and he has no remorse whatsoever for not keeping his verbal committments.It's difficult to feel romantic with someone who so deeply disrespects me. But I keep trying.
Posted By: Lynne | December 3, 2010 2:18 PM
How true.All teh five points are very very good and practical enough.We must constantly , consciously /unconsciously try to build up our spouse how ever he is and it really helps.For me too yes material things boost up my emotional feeling towards my husband but as mentioned by JoHannah i really feel these points will work out and brin the purpose of God regarding marriuage to a fulfilment.
Posted By: Jyothsna | December 4, 2010 1:49 AM